Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Oh, another thing.

I'd still like to install apps on her phone to monitor, but I'm wondering if that's academic now. Even if I'm slowly accepting that we will never be together again, I still perversely want to know what's going on. Is it worth it for me to try and gather this information? It's possible she may resist at this point, I get the growing sense that she is already accepting that I am leaving and it may be what she wanted all along (in which case she's probably not inclined to do me any favors, despite the 'I love you's' and 'I'm sorry's' that still come into my phone every few hours.

Should I insist?

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post #47 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Oh, another thing.

I'd still like to install apps on her phone to monitor, but I'm wondering if that's academic now. Even if I'm slowly accepting that we will never be together again, I still perversely want to know what's going on. Is it worth it for me to try and gather this information? It's possible she may resist at this point, I get the growing sense that she is already accepting that I am leaving and it may be what she wanted all along (in which case she's probably not inclined to do me any favors, despite the 'I love you's' and 'I'm sorry's' that still come into my phone every few hours.

Should I insist?
Are you divorcing or not?

I say file for divorce and quit the snooping unless she has a miracle turnaround.
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post #48 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 11:01 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Only insist if you decide to reconcile later.
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post #49 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 11:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Are you divorcing or not?

I say file for divorce and quit the snooping unless she has a miracle turnaround.

Yes I am filing. That was my question, am I just being self-indulgent now. Or do I just need some tough love: "

"Forget it, Jake. It's Cheater Town."
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post #50 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Yes I am filing. That was my question, am I just being self-indulgent now. Or do I just need some tough love: "

"Forget it, Jake. It's Cheater Town."
Then quite frankly catching her anymore is not going to help you emotionally recover.
You need to let her go and live by the 180 now. No more focus on her and what she does.

You need to focus on your kids and self now.

The Healing Heart: The 180
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post #51 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Oh, another thing.

I'd still like to install apps on her phone to monitor, but I'm wondering if that's academic now. Even if I'm slowly accepting that we will never be together again, I still perversely want to know what's going on. Is it worth it for me to try and gather this information? It's possible she may resist at this point, I get the growing sense that she is already accepting that I am leaving and it may be what she wanted all along (in which case she's probably not inclined to do me any favors, despite the 'I love you's' and 'I'm sorry's' that still come into my phone every few hours.

Should I insist?
No. Don't do it if you are divorcing. Look up the term "pain shopping".

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #52 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

At this point Jay its moot....leave her to do what she wants as long as you are correct not in the martial home. you just have to tell her, that she killed any trust you had in her, so what is the sense of monitoring her actions. she has proven herself to be unable to be honest with you. good luck Jay. please stay in touch and tell us how well you are doing.
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post #53 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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No. Don't do it if you are divorcing. Look up the term "pain shopping".
Jesus, I just did. And while the article is informative I suddenly find myself alarmed by one item in the article: HIDDEN DEBT.

I run the finances in the house, so it's not on the usual places. ****e, time for a credit report.
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post #54 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

JayOwen,

You wrote, I get the growing sense that she is already accepting that I am leaving and it may be what she wanted all along

Sadly many women seem to only really be in love with a man that's not "their type" for a short while and loose the physical attraction rather quickly. She may not have actually been in love with you for a long time and you just didn't know it. You were driving a car without an engine but since you were coasting downhill it seemed ok.

Still I would suggest you read "his needs her needs" and "surviving an affair" and "fall in love stay in love" by Dr Harley. Even if you don't save your marriage it will prepare you for your next relationship.

You're a stronger man than me if my W had an affair with a "trainer" I would go bazerk on his conceited a**.

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post #55 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:09 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

No point in any monitoring if you're resigned to divorce. If you believe that you may choose reconciliation at some point, though, I'd definitely recommend it.

Also, depending on the type of phone that she uses, it may be possible to restore deleted texts, pics, etc from backups. If you believe that you may change your mind about reconciliation, I'd recommend that as well.

Have you communicated your intention to divorce to her? If so, what was her reaction?

Has she indicated what would seem to be an honest desire to reconcile?

ETA: I wouldn't recommend going the polygraph route prior to establishing a somewhat comprehensive monitoring solution, as you'll obviously want to catch any web searches along the lines of "how to beat a polygraph".

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post #56 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

JayOwen,

One other point, you say you are not going to expose to the OMW because she is a horrible alcoholic, but I think you have things backwards.

It's more likely the OMW became an alcoholic because of the OMs serial cheating and lying year after year, the OM created OMW and was enabled to do so because no one told OMW the truth.

OM will rewrite history however to make his W out to be the villain.

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post #57 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:23 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
Jesus, I just did. And while the article is informative I suddenly find myself alarmed by one item in the article: HIDDEN DEBT.

I run the finances in the house, so it's not on the usual places. ****e, time for a credit report.
Financial infidelity often goes hand in hand with marital infidelity. This is why you need to file for S or D quickly. Once you file, the clock stops on the marriage and you are no longer liable for her debt after that point.
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post #58 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:31 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Then quite frankly catching her anymore is not going to help you emotionally recover.
You need to let her go and live by the 180 now. No more focus on her and what she does.

You need to focus on your kids and self now.

The Healing Heart: The 180
Your goal is indifference toward her. To not care what she is doing. You cannot do that if you keep snooping. Let it go and concentrate on you and your kids.
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post #59 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:50 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Detach from her and quit worrying over what she is or is not doing. You need to only concern yourself with how you handle your divorce and separation.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #60 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:56 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Don't move out until you've spoken to a lawyer as in some states that can work against you in the divorce. I also wouldn't install any type of monitoring applications on any of her electronic devices at this point if you're deadset on divorce anyway (as someone stated it would be moot and pain shopping) and again until you've spoken to a lawyer.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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