Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 12:58 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
Your goal is indifference toward her. To not care what she is doing. You cannot do that if you keep snooping. Let it go and concentrate on you and your kids.
This has been the consensus, but I am going to vote the other way. It's not uncommon for WS's to lose their minds, crying and snotting on the floor, begging, etc. It's not uncommon for BS to miss their WS and consider reconciling multiple times before actual reconciliation or the divorce is final. I say snoop for a bit longer so that all info is available in case of a change of heart.

My neighbors have cameras at their front and rear doors they got online for something like a hundred dollars. The video is stored on their PC for review and can be streamed via mobile app.

Definitely paint and fix things like loose door handles, etc. If you can finish the kitchen update, do so. Selling in winter tends to take longer as it is, but selling a house that needs work in winter only goes well for the seller when their market is HOT or their price is low enough that it makes the hassle of reno worth it for the buyer. Also, call out a local inspector if you can afford it. Have him/her go over the house and let you know of any possible updates or fixes required by code before you can sell.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #62 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 01:05 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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5) I will not be approaching Fitness Bro's ex-wife because she an abusive alcoholic
Not saying you should, but I am sure this dude has contributed heavily to her current situation.
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post #63 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 01:06 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

JayOwen,

Actually an affair costs about $2500.00 on average excluding lawyers, court costs and shortened lifespans.

The cost of loving: That secret affair can run up the bills - TODAY.com

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post #64 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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This has been the consensus, but I am going to vote the other way. It's not uncommon for WS's to lose their minds, crying and snotting on the floor, begging, etc. It's not uncommon for BS to miss their WS and consider reconciling multiple times before actual reconciliation or the divorce is final. I say snoop for a bit longer so that all info is available in case of a change of heart.

My neighbors have cameras at their front and rear doors they got online for something like a hundred dollars. The video is stored on their PC for review and can be streamed via mobile app.

Definitely paint and fix things like loose door handles, etc. If you can finish the kitchen update, do so. Selling in winter tends to take longer as it is, but selling a house that needs work in winter only goes well for the seller when their market is HOT or their price is low enough that it makes the hassle of reno worth it for the buyer. Also, call out a local inspector if you can afford it. Have him/her go over the house and let you know of any possible updates or fixes required by code before you can sell.
Totally agree with this!!
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post #65 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

OP, You're handling this very well. Most BH's that come here aren't nearly as decisive.

Even if you want to leave a crack in the door to consider R, you're doing the right thing in starting the divorce process. That still gives you enough time to see if she ends contact and demonstrates remorse; and time for you to sort out your feelings. And I would let her know that. But she needs to receive the important consequence of believing she may very well lose her husband for cheating on him.

If she doesn't do what she needs to do or you can't see yourself getting past her A, then go through with the D. You'll be that much closer to putting her in your rear view mirror and moving on with your life; than if you had waited.

If she does stop contact and demonstrate remorse; you can choose to "delay" the D. But check back with us. A lot of us here have an idea of what genuine remorse looks like.
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post #66 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 01:57 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Quoted for truth.

I see many 'reconciled' members on that board and the list of atrocities their cheating spouses pulled on them is enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Cheaters with numerous OCs, years of hidden gay activities, 15 year long affairs, years of serial cheating, members who have to number the amount of OWs in order to keep them all straight, those whose cheaters who have been frequenting escorts and massage parlors for the last 5 or 10 years, and on and on.

And not surprisingly, most are STILL monitoring their supposed 'former' cheater's activities to some extent or another. Why anyone would willingly sign up for that sh*t show for the rest of their lives is beyond me; I have to assume it's desperation or an affinity for eating a steady diet of sh*t sandwiches well into their twilight years.
There is on one reddit right now about a guy who found his wife and friend joining a swingers group. I can't even, it must be a hoax. Has to be. How can people be so monstrous.
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post #67 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Be prepared for any outcome. @MMJEAN could very well be correct. She might have never envisioned life without you. Her "I love you" texts might be sincere. She just was thinking like a child, enjoying the moment in her "open marriage" and never imagining the consequences of getting caught. Now she stands to lose her husband, friend (who stimulated her intellectually), her children (half time), her house, and half of her assets.

Your job is to bring this reality home by striking hard and fast. File for divorce. DNA the children in her presence. Arrange an STD test in her presence. Move into a different room and put a deadbolt on the door. Expose the affair to all of her family, your family and anyone who ever had respect for her. Inform the other man's wife even if we think she's written him off (you never know what their current relationship is, or if she was even an alcoholic). Start an anonymous blog to post your experiences and make sure she sees it. Do the 180. Be business-like in your dealings with her. Polite, but only discussing matters related to the children and division of assets. Make a schedule for watching the children. When it's her turn to watch them, you spend most of your time out of the house. She doesn't need to know where you're going or when you'll be back. Have her verbally promise, under threat of legal consequences, that she will not have dates with other men (and yes, use the term "other men", plural) either outside the home or inside the home, while it is her turn to take care of the children.

As time passes, you'll have a clearer idea of whether you want to reconcile and whether she's willing to make EVERY sacrifice necessary. If so, you can stop the divorce proceedings at any time.
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post #68 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 02:40 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

A couple of other things, do NOT let her seduce you and do NOT sleep with her. She's most likely going to attempt this. Also make it clear that the only things you are willing to discuss are the divorce, finances, and children (forgot if you two had any). Anything else she can get a lawyer to talk to your lawyer about. Do not get drawn into some 3, 4, or 5 hour conversation with tears and hugs like a lot of BS make the mistake of doing which makes it even harder to do what needs to be done. Don't bother trying to psychoanalyze her and figure out "Why" or to get "closure". You'll just be wasting your time.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #69 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Hi all,

7) I've seen a few mentions of polygraphs -- it's interesting on one level, but not sure if its necessary any longer (even if there is the desperate part of that wishes for the magic wand that takes everything back to the good 'ol days). But if I do decided I need it -- how do I go about locating? Lawyer? Google?
I'd ask your lawyer for recommendations.

In my case I didn't have a lot of choice without driving 800+ km to a city with a 1 million population. My province here in Canada only had 1 polygraph tester in the entire province. I found him via google and yellow pages. I spoke to him several times over the phone, I gave him a job interview I suppose. I liked what I heard, he was a straight shooter, seemed like a good guy, most importantly was retired law enforcement of 30+ years with many years experience giving polygraphs in law enforcement.

I agree with your thinking, it would be a waste of time, money, and tension with your wife if you're going to divorce her. Consider a polygraph only if you decide later to reconcile.
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post #70 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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I do believe that she's not slept with him in the past 72 hours (ha) but I think all this is spot on, it was only a matter of time before a relapse. I found it odd how quickly she was willing to cut it off, took it as a sign of her love for me. But if she built up to this for 18 months (at least) planned it for months, hid it for weeks ... it wasn't a mistake, was it? It wasn't getting drunk and making out -- not that that would have been okay.

Nope, it was a decision|choice she made. Affairs are never mistakes

Even if it was not malicious, she was powerless to stop herself, especially now she's hurting and if I'm not around. I know this sounds naive -- but there's not really a chance that she has like a brain tumor or a psychotic break, right? She's just so unlike the woman I married and have our first children with.

Sorry but this is a typical cheater story

I told my friends. They're supportive, I don't know why I ever hesitated -- it's a good group of guys. I have people at least, I now realize.

You did nothing to deserve this. Support is a good thing


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post #71 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 05:25 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I will never understand this. She cheated tell her to leave. Why are you leaving? Tell the cheater to find her own place or move out of the master bedroom.

Good night, why is it always the bh that has to give everything up.
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post #72 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:44 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

What ever else the adultery is on her and no one eise. The OM owes a big debt to you and your children as well. Understand he could have been a friend to your marriage. Instead he choose to Fick you wife, fick you, fink your children. That is the only thing you should say to him and then try to destroy him personally.

You have given up professional goals to live in a small town. Does that change if you move?

Understand exposure at her work will not result in termination, perhaps denial of tenure, unless he is a student of her's.

Gus is right, you are taking the right steps except they are not focused in the right direction. The question is how do I get the best post divorce life and then taking the steps to get it.

So right now what is the best outcome for you in a divorce. Post it, kick it around.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #73 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:51 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Sent you a PM on the 180. Did you get it.

To echo others your wife's tears are to finally acknowledging a loss of her dreams not for your's or your pain. They are not unlike the tears at high school graduation, accepting it is over but still sad.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #74 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 10:48 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Jay,

You have laid out the facts pretty well. No one knows whether this attraction to him while she was pregnant was the catalyst or not. It does not matter at this point. You know exactly what she was doing, and you also are not sure at all if she is still banging him.
As others have told you if you are filing for divorce, which you should do, what she is doing now does not matter UNLESS YOU need to know in order to convince yourself as much as possible that you are doing the correct thing. If you need that bump to get out of this without looking back, then take the pain of the pain shopping and do the snooping. She has inflicted enough pain so what is a little more. The pain shopping you do not want to do is after this is over to do stuff like stalk her on FB to see what she is doing, etc. But this is entirely your decision. Under no circumstances, if you decide even after filing to try to R, should you not insist she take a polygraph. There is absolutely no way with her next door to him that you have any other way to know the truth.
So do what you need to get through this. It is not our decision to tell you on this one. We are all different. And you can always stop snooping anytime you want to.
The most important thing at this point is to file the papers. I believe in most places once you do that you are no longer responsible for her debt and protecting yourself financially is of utmost importance right now. And understand this, whatever expenses or loss you take on the house now has to be weighed against what it will be if you stay with her for that reason and put up with the infidelity. No one is expecting a dramatic increase in the housing market anytime soon and the repairs will not get any cheaper. So bite the bullet and get on with your life.
And Jay, please remember, do not believe anything she tells you that you cannot verify. Her saying she is sorry is meaningless. They are all sorry when they get caught. But you have clearly stated that the most confidence you have is that she "maybe" has not banged him in 72 hours. Not much to reconcile on.
Hang in there, and yes check your credit and get those papers in her hands and do not tell her a damm thing.
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post #75 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 08:12 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by Jasel View Post
A couple of other things, do NOT let her seduce you and do NOT sleep with her. She's most likely going to attempt this.
^^^^This^^^^

Without Fail... Start sleeping with her again, and you think your head is messed up now.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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