Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)
Me again. It's been a hectic 24 hours, work hasn't noticed yet that I'm offline but it's starting to get to that danger zone, fortunately the weekend is coming and will buy me a day or two extra. Maybe by Monday I'll be able to put in enough to keep the alarm bells from tripping.
She's been out of town on a work trip for the past few days -- I think that has been helpful to my processing. I know what you're thinking -- her out of sight, unmonitored -- I'm thinking it too. But I've found that I no longer care what she's doing now. I've started calling it the Alien. My wife is gone, the Alien is here, and I find it hard to give a **** what that thing does now.
Which is not to say I'm not engaging in behaviors that everyone here would be happy about. I got the PM about the 180. The spirit of it makes sense to me, and I think it's what I'm trying to do with initiating the divorce and selling the house. But the finer details of it aren't my style. She and I are talking A LOT. Texting A LOT.
I think the threat of the divorce is knocking something loose. Yes, you'll shake your head, but I've been psychoanalyzing the **** out of her. It's what I need to do to get some control back, to figure out how the Alien came to exist. I'm usually the person who has everything figured out. And so much of this was just so ALIEN that I couldn't wrap my head around it. The vindictiveness, the desire to be caught. And I believe I now understand at least some small part of it, or at least I have something I can hang my hat on -- she has been trying/not trying for years now to explain the horrendous child abuse she suffered as a little girl. I won't go into details but a lot of life patterns that I never noticed before start to make sense now. She is incredibly intelligent, and she has taken the ****ing cake for repression of anger and trauma.
I can you hear you all now! "No!" "Don't listen!" "She's making excuses!"
She is. But I think it's truth as well. And you don't have to worry, it's not changing anything that I'm doing. I understand more of her now, and I also understand how very broken she is. I cannot fix it. Only she can fix it. Maybe. Very long odds, and only after years of painful work. And honestly, even if she does ... she made decisions that were so catastrophically harmful to me that I will never be able to put them behind me. I want to say something, though I feel disrespectful to the men and women of the armed services, but I am starting to worry I have mild PTSD.
I dumped all the alcohol last night, sleep is not great though. It's starting to show. I ****ed up this morning, barely got the big kid to school (they literally had to open the locked school door and the Asst Principal let my daughter go to class without a tardy -- whatever, I'm not going to stress). But then I forgot the baby had his halloween parade at daycare, he was so heartbroken that I had to race home and get the costume. But it meant I missed my 9am appointment with the lawyer. They didn't have anything later this morning, so now I'm rescheduled for Wednesday morning. That's very frustrating to me, I want this process started now. I now feel like I'm stuck in limbo for another week. ****ing sucks.
More than anything I need information, I could probably find a lot online I guess. I need to know how quickly this can go, I need to know that the Alien can't take back control and is out there plotting something to take away the kids. I just need to get the safety codified in a legal document.
I pulled the credit reports, there's no new accounts, and there's no weird changes on the accounts that she has access to. So that, at least, is okay.
There is so much **** going on in that woman, and I'll be trying to unpack in therapy. But the conclusion that I've come to:
She will almost definitely relapse.
She is addicted, not really even to him (though she is), but to self-destruction. I actually would PREFER that she relapse with him, because at least it would be the devil I know. It's going to hurt when it happens, but at least she'd not be out there trying to screw some psycho in a country bar or one of her colleagues or students (i.e. imperiling her career and the 50% of the income that our family needs). At least I would know about Fitness Bro, and would be able to control how she tries to hurt me.
But I've resigned myself to that fact thait's going to happen. And I've made peace with it. Because it's not my wife doing something to me. It's the Alien, and I'm not married to that creature (and soon won't be in the eyes of the law as well).
And yet. My wife is gone, but still here, and that's hard. I hear her in the words when she says to me when she says sorry and that she supports whatever I need to do. And I almost hope (I did last night).
And then, I wake up the next morning, and I remember. The Alien is still out there. I have no idea if that was my wife talking last night, or the Alien using the words that it knew would allow it to hurt me again. That creature was so skillful in her deceit, and the lies.
And so I've concluded that it's always the Alien, and I am unwavering in my decision to end things. The kids and I actually had a great night last night, they were happy and giggling. I'm hoping that my growing peace is starting to be picked up on, maybe they're feeling a tiny bit like "Okay, whatever was weird seems to be passing". Probably not, but I'll take a tiny win when I can get it. They were laughing, that works for now.
And plus, that hot jogger definitely made serious eye contact when I drove by her this morning ... maybe the future isn't so bad, right?
ps -- to the questions of who is moving out. I'm not sure what's best right now. The kids, especially the baby, need their mother in the house. For now I do believe I can trust her with them. Of course, maybe it's just the next world-shattering revelation away. But I can't let everything be a crisis right now. I won't make any plans until I get the lawyer and the papers. Maybe we can sell this poisoned home and find side-by-side apartments somewhere. Then I could be out of the house but close by.
Anyway, brain is fogged. Progress is slow. But I think I'm moving forward.
Even if I still can't help, every time I see her, to break down inside. I love her so much. And now she's gone.