Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #106 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 06:28 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

JayOwen,

It was interesting what your wrote about self-degradation being one of the driving factors behind an affair, with my W I think her affair with OM-1 was mostly her giving him oral. With OM-2 she spontaneously started licking my armpit during sex, something which never would have happened without outside influence. The armpit licking went away quickly as it was something she couldn't perform with me except when drunk with passion from someone else.

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post #107 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 06:35 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Oh yeah!!! She should move out!!


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post #108 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 06:48 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Jay, do yourself a favor. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and realize that what you do or do not do in this immediate moment will have no impact on how things will be 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years from now.

Can you do that?

There is a stark difference between taking action because action is necessary versus taking action because you feel like you need to do something.

Do you see the difference?
Quoted to emphasize...

Jay, it's been only a few days.

Please take the above advice and step back, take a deep breath.

You are rushing into filing for divorce. I'm not saying that divorce is or is not the best answer for you. I'm staying that you seem to be acting at least you feel you are taking control and doing something.

Remember that divorce costs a lot of money. The retainer will be thousands of dollars. What if you change your mind? You are not getting that money back.

It's good to find out your legal rights and get some advice at this stage. But just slow down for a while.

There is a book that I think will help you. It's a quick read, so it's not a large investment of time. But it gives a lot of info that I think would help you.

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley

Surviving An Affair -
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post #109 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 07:03 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by Popcorn2015 View Post
I'm sorry to be Captain Hindsight, but a 26-year old man should not get in a serious relationship with a 33-year old woman. You were just starting your prime, and she was well past hers. The good news is you are still in your prime.

Get DNA and STD tests.
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Originally Posted by Graywolf2 View Post
Your wife sowed her wild oats with hot bad boy types. Unfortunately those types tend not to provide the stability and security needed for a family. Female fertility starts dropping around age 30. She needed a nester nice guy like you. Those qualities were what she found attractive in you.

Think of her as your teenage daughter who was dating a bad boy you didn’t approve of. She had you for security and stability and the OM for fun. She’s upset because she doesn’t want to lose what you provide. She may “love” you but it’s like loving a family member. The only leverage a dad has over a teenage girl in heat is to let them know that they can be kicked out of the house. (No more security from dad). She will tell daddy whatever it takes to keep her room then sneak out of her window at night.
This relationship had so many negatives right from the beginning. With her biological clock ticking LOUDLY, she grabbed an opportunity to have a kid with a guy who could be "marriage material " even though he was not her type. She was able to suppress her desires for a short time but with douche bag next door, she couldn't restrain herself.

As a mid 30s, never married woman, she probably has been riding the carousel for quite some time before meeting you and has learned quite a few tricks that can ensnare a man. I bet you had very little experience with women and were probably quickly pvssy whipped when she busted her moves on you.

Problem is that if a wife isn't strongly attracted to you, it doesn't take long before her mind starts wondering. You said 2 of her past boyfriends were strong fitness types and then when she finds herself with a neighbor that is her type, she can barely contain herself. Even with your child in her belly, she's fantasizing about POS and QUICKLY starts her action plan to hookup with him.

To top it off, you suppressed your career so she could further hers. This caused her to lose respect for you. In her head, now that she achieved some success in her career, you're beneath her or at best her equal. Women want to look up to their man.

You may find that you're a better man and father without an emotionally draining woman.

Last edited by jsmart; 10-29-2016 at 10:14 AM.
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post #110 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 07:26 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Step back, yes on year own protect your future with or without (not to do so is insane) do what you need to do but do not destroy your wife.
A good guy will cut someone eises throat if necessary, but not inflict needless suffering.

Before I confronted my exWW I prepared an email to her friends who where not enablers, and her family explaining what had occur and who the other man was as a man. I closed by saying I am not asking you to convince her to stay. I am divorcing her the marriage is dead and not worth saving regardless. I am asking you to help her make healthy choices and this guy isn't one. I gave her a choice MC rebuild the marriage from the ground up and NC. I got back I don't know, in short no. I walk into the other room and sent the emails. Any attempt for help resulted in an email to them outline the need for help and walked away. Solved or not the problem was not for me to deal with.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #111 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 07:29 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

@jsmart summed up many the issues correctly. The question is: is the pain worth the attempt regardless if the attempt succeeds. Keep in mind my thoughts of protecting yourself first.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #112 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

All,

It has been an exhausting week. I make sense of my world by building narratives -- it's what I make my living at. I realize after much thought is that in this case I was just chasing shadows. Exhaustion, paranoia, three rambunctious children -- it's draining right now.

What I was searching for was "a reason" that I could not only grasp but one that I could look at and determine "can this be fixed?" I don't think such a reason exists other than "she chose to". But that right there is the reason I am moving forward with divorce. Yes, it will cost thousands of dollars. But I need it rolling to feel like I can even listen to what she's saying. Reconciliation is always on the table, but in the meantime I am determined to push things to the precipice. If she wants to save it, she can. If she saves it, I will then decide if I am able to stay. And in the meantime, if she slips up, or even shows that she's unsure, then it's over. For good. And I can try to find some way to rebuild my life.

Also, I don't fear that our children are unsafe, sorry to be alarming/paranoid. I am averaging two hours of sleep a night and it is not putting me in a good place. I thought I saw something that made sense and said she might treat our kids (when they are teenagers) in a damaging way and it scared me. But they are in no danger, they are happy, watching too much T.V. perhaps and excited for Halloween. That's all I need for them right now.
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post #113 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 09:12 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Be gentle moving forward, at times expend random acts of kindness if you can. Your are not wrong in your choice. Only you can determine the worth of your marriage. What was the poem "a measure of a things worth, is our walking though a flame to the other side" ? Did I get it right?

My signature, she does not deserve it. Now on the other hand X's WS - hell yea !

Be well.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish

Last edited by JohnA; 10-29-2016 at 11:44 AM. Reason: Added flame
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post #114 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 09:19 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Jay, don't show your hand. If you're going to file, don't let her know. Just make your moves and have her served at work. Expose to all family and friends. Then implement the 180 to help you detach.

Work on yourself. You just took the worst beating a man could take. Right now you need to work on your health. Making sure you eat and get some rest. If you have a chance, leave town for a few days to get your head straight. Then come back with a battle plan to change your life for the better.

Hit the gym HARD. It helps get your T levels up and will help boost your confidence.
Start taking care of your appearance. Get a quality hair cut, gets some nice threads, makes sure your hygiene is on point. You do these things not to win her back, not to attract a new woman (you're not ready) but to boost your confidence. Her betrayal broke you and you must rebuild your psych for your own good.
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post #115 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 09:37 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Jay:

You need respite.

You need time away to clear your head.

72 hours would be enough.

No life altering decisions should be made on 2 hours of sleep over a series of nights.

Get away, clear your head, reassess, then execute your plan.

One more thing. Don't let anger guide you to decisions that you will later regret. I would bet that serving her at work would be one of those things best left in the imagination.

Keep talking, Jay. You will make it through this.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #116 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 10:00 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

You're handling this great. You should take diphenhydramine (50-75 mg) to help with sleep. You can buy it at the dollar store very cheap, labeled as "Sleep Aid" or something like that. It is the same active ingredient as Benadryl or Tylenol PM. It's good because it's not habit forming. If this is still not enough, or if it loses efficacy over time, you should think about seeing a doctor and getting something more serious.
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post #117 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 09:40 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Jay,

Really sorry you are under the gun like this, someone once said that having your spouse cheat on you turns your therapist into your rapist. The person who could have supported you has turned into the one who most destroys you. I think it is even worse for men since they have no support network.

You have a real problem on your hands with this OM because his PROFESSION is seducing and complementing people and looking good, that's what trainers do all day long and they get better at it than most husbands.

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post #118 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 11:31 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Jay:

No life altering decisions should be made on 2 hours of sleep over a series of nights.
^^^ Agreed ^^^

JO,

It's amazing you can even get 2 hours. For weeks after discovering my WW was cheating on me (had been for years) I was literally "Dead Man Walking". I really don't think "most" people understand what turmoil and stress the BS has during the initial weeks post DD. I remember shifting from grief, to anger, to disbelieve, to uncertainty, to numb all within minutes of each other... then the chaotic cycle would repeat.

Just keep reminding yourself... Infidelity does not have to mean a "death sentence". Don't crater in. Regardless of whether you R or D, better days lie ahead.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #119 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 11:57 AM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Hi Jay,

@jsmart nailed it on exercise. Stress is like diabetes. Diabetes leaves large amounts of sugar roaming free in the body that act like a weak acid on organs and muscles slowly dissolving them. Stress floods the body with hormones that functional does the same and denies sleep acceoerating the process and degrading mental acuity. You heard the expression "use it or lose it"? For stress burn it off or be destroyed by it.

Go for cadio with light weights. Don't need a Gym put using one helps. Stay focus on feeling the "burn" while exercising. Embrace it, chase it. I was early forties 210 and while eating 3000 carbs a day and dropped to 168. blood sugar AC1 was 5.9. My doctor bottom jaw hit the floor and muttered "christ" not possible. I have maintained my weight but lost the exercise, but eat carefully.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #120 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 02:12 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
I don't think such a reason exists other than "she chose to". But that right there is the reason I am moving forward with divorce. Yes, it will cost thousands of dollars. But I need it rolling to feel like I can even listen to what she's saying. Reconciliation is always on the table, but in the meantime I am determined to push things to the precipice. If she wants to save it, she can. If she saves it, I will then decide if I am able to stay. And in the meantime, if she slips up, or even shows that she's unsure, then it's over. For good. And I can try to find some way to rebuild my life.
For me, this says it all, you are doing the right thing. Pursue the divorce, show your resolve and do not let her actions affect you in any way. I think you have this well thought out, and you aren't being rash, like others say. She broke he marriage contract, not you.


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"
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