Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #121 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 07:21 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I think you need to take tomorrow off from the web, take the kids to the zoo, park or somewhere and just do something fun to chill out for the day. You are over stressing and need to give yourself a break. The legal process is going to take sometime, as well as selling the house, so you need to figure out fun days for you and the kids to lighten things up a little.

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post #122 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 08:16 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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You're handling this great. You should take diphenhydramine (50-75 mg) to help with sleep. You can buy it at the dollar store very cheap, labeled as "Sleep Aid" or something like that. It is the same active ingredient as Benadryl or Tylenol PM. It's good because it's not habit forming. If this is still not enough, or if it loses efficacy over time, you should think about seeing a doctor and getting something more serious.
That can make him groggy as hell, he should go doc and get ambien and a good AD like Lexapro....worked wonders for me to help clear out stress and help me think straight and decisive.
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post #123 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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I think you need to take tomorrow off from the web, take the kids to the zoo, park or somewhere and just do something fun to chill out for the day. You are over stressing and need to give yourself a break. The legal process is going to take sometime, as well as selling the house, so you need to figure out fun days for you and the kids to lighten things up a little.
Thanks @VFW. I did in fact do exactly that this weekend. It was beautiful weather and the kids were a good distraction. Today was another visit to the therapist, which felt good and I think was productive for me. We still haven't gotten into couples counseling yet -- the program we're using it understaffed right now, so I may need to go outside it.

I'm meeting with the realtor tomorrow, the lawyer on Wednesday, though I've decided in both cases that it will be primarily information gathering rather than signing any commitments -- I'm still not feeling rested or rational enough to sign the dotted line for anything.

And my wife is giving me what I ask, I believe the gravity of the situation is now clear to her and she has realized how deeply she has screwed everything up. I see remorse, that helps for now. Who knows what next week will bring.

A few books have been recommended but wanted to ask if anyone had any others they wanted to throw out there?

Thanks all
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post #124 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

What are you doing for you, besides IC?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #125 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 01:40 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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I believe the gravity of the situation is now clear to her and she has realized how deeply she has screwed everything up.
This is why you should always file for divorce even if you want to stay married. The faithful husband’s value is the security and stability they provide. That is often taken for granted. The only way to get the WW's attention is to let them know that it can be taken away.

If they think that the nice guy husband will never divorce then all is lost. Welcome one way open marriage.
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post #126 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Is she still in contact with the OM?

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #127 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

@farsidejunky what am I doing for myself ... I guess I gave myself person to stop work last week, though I guess that's not really true. I'm going to take a couple of days here soon and just travel to see my friends. it's tricky right now with work travel and the fact that my grandfather just passed (best week ever?) which I'll need to travel for as well. but I do plan to get some time just for myself soon here. My other "for me" pasttime -- craft beer -- is currently on hold, I dumped everything out last week, but maybe I'll treat myself to something this week.

@TX-SC no she is not. he tried calling her work a number of times today (presumably knowing that her phone is open to me now) she told me about it as soon as it happened. I am debating whether I need to knock on his door and remind him that it would be very easy for me to talk to his pastor and employer about what happened. I'm tabling it for now unless he persists.
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post #128 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

It's probably (past) time for you to confront OM. Let him know that any further attempts to contact your wife will result in full exposure of the affair to everyone in his circle -- including his own STBXW.

You're asking about books... which books has your wife been reading?
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #129 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Tell his boss and his pastor. Tell him if he persists you will put an ad in the paper outing him.

Book wise get the MMSLP book
Linked to below. It's also available as a download at B&N and amazon. You have been replaced by what she perceives as a more alpha male. Look up Machieavelli'a (sic) posts. Do not take them lightly.
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post #130 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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It's probably (past) time for you to confront OM. Let him know that any further attempts to contact your wife will result in full exposure of the affair to everyone in his circle -- including his own STBXW.

You're asking about books... which books has your wife been reading?
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She is reading Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave -- recommended by a friend.

At the same time she bought me "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" though I haven't cracked it yet. Haven't read anything yet actually, though Surviving an Affair was recommended.

Re: confronting the dude. Having done so once on the night of discovery (waking half the neighborhood in the process I'm sure) to tell him it was over and once a few days later to verify when it started (his answer matched hers) where he tried to apologize with "This isn't my character...". I cut off that conversation and don't really want to start another one. But perhaps I can text him to make it clear there is no slack moving forward.

What I really need is for the idiot to drop is house to a price in line with the $/Sq Ft the rest of the houses in our neighborhood are selling for so he can get his ass out. But his stupidity is persistent in many things I guess...

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post #131 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:30 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Don't table anything for this POS. He needs repercussions for fvcking your wife. If not for yourself, for your kids. This guy desecrated their mother. Yes she chased him but he willingly went for the ride seeing you and your kids all of the time. Now he's addicted to the easy wanton sex that he blatantly tried to pursue her days after Dday.

Don't put your guard down. We have had countless BHs that thought their WW was honoring a R but she just took it deeper undercover.

A woman that has been banging a dude for over a year gets addicted to the man. There are chemicals in sperm that help attach a woman to the man. With you being almost cut off, she's been on a steady diet of his elixir for quite some time. WWs may logically want to cut it off for the sake of the family but they're addicted. It's like a crack addict. And with him living next door and you traveling, getting a quick fix is VERY easy and tempting .

Personally I think you should still pursue the D. It has to be real to your WW. You can stop it down the road but she has to see that you're serious. You can even complete the divorce and then date and start a new untainted marriage. (if she earns your love.)

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post #132 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:42 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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She is reading Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave -- recommended by a friend.

At the same time she bought me "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" though I haven't cracked it yet. Haven't read anything yet actually, though Surviving an Affair was recommended.

Re: confronting the dude. Having done so once on the night of discovery (waking half the neighborhood in the process I'm sure) to tell him it was over and once a few days later to verify when it started (his answer matched hers) where he tried to apologize with "This isn't my character...". I cut off that conversation and don't really want to start another one. But perhaps I can text him to make it clear there is no slack moving forward.

What I really need is for the idiot to drop is house to a price in line with the $/Sq Ft the rest of the houses in our neighborhood are selling for so he can get his ass out. But his stupidity is persistent in many things I guess...
No texting w/ OM -- you need to re-confront face-to-face. Push the exposure angle, specially regarding his STBXW. Doesn't matter if you do it or not, he just needs to know that you will.

And what exactly has your wife told him? If she's not told him that it's over between then and to never attempt contact w/ her ever again then there's no point in you saying anything to him other than "Here, take her. She's all yours now."

Also, your wife's choice of reading material -- for the both of you -- is quite telling.

As for the friend that recommended her book -- is she married or divorced? Is she an adulteress as well?

And here's a lesson that you need to learn:

You can't control what others do or don't do -- all you can ever control is how you choose to react to it.

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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #133 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:54 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

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Also, your wife's choice of reading material -- for the both of you -- is quite telling.

As for the friend that recommended her book -- is she married or divorced? Is she an adulteress as well?
QFT.

I thought you said she was reading a book about infidelity?

This book is used to gauge whether to remain in your current relationship.

I know I have encouraged you to be patient and take a deep breath. Looking at this, I might take that time away and deep breath after I filed for divorce.

"Wife, help me understand how I should read anything positive from your selection of this book as a means to heal our marriage from your infidelity, or the 'friend' who suggested it?"

I am sorry for your situation, Jay.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #134 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 03:31 PM
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

My opinion? Way too early for Marriage Counseling. Waaaaaaaaay to early. Your wife needs to go to IC for a few months and work on finding out why she has sh!t for boundaries and thought it was okay to drop a nuclear bomb on her family.

You need to heal from your wounds. You just suffered a shotgun blast through your chest. You are still in triage and you haven't even moved to intensive care yet. You need to be out of I.C. and in your own hospital room overlooking a brick alley before you even think of going to counseling with her. Get my drift?

And second, just because your wife tells you the affair is over and shows you OM's e-mails and all that? Doesn't mean sh!t.... unless you follow up and verify everything. Don't believe one fvcking thing your wife tells you, and even if you halfway believe something, you need to follow up.
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post #135 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

@GusPolinski @farsidejunky

She bought them yesterday after returning from the work trip. It was recommended by her best friend (who was cheated on, I believe, or it came very close, now divorced) -- I will ask her what she thinks of it, I'm pretty confident there's no significance that she would choose this one over others, it was a recommendation by a person she trusts (one who both warned her that an attraction to this man was not a dangerous thing but also told her NOT to talk to me about it ... all of which is to say, not the greatest advice giver.) My wife is feeling her way through this -- still coming to terms with the reasons she has done this, but I believe she is taking steps, not throwing up more walls.

As for the book she bought for me, I know her, it was a self-punishing gesture. She is apologetic and has repeatedly assured me that she wants me to be happy. I believe it was her way of saying "maybe there's something in here that tell you if you could be." A weird apology if you will.

All of which is to say, I do not share your alarm in this regard. I may yet be proven wrong, but I think the motivations here are positive.

I know it's hard to convey these details via a forum post, but I do honestly trust her when she says she broke it off with him (starting that night in which she texted him, while I was standing there, that it was over and to not contact her again) and that she recognizes the stupidity and selfishness of her actions (her words).

That's potentially naive, but knowing the alarm bells that were going off in my head previously, there are none ringing now, I see genuine actions here. It does appear that the fog has lifted.

That said, the risk of relapse is a question for another day.
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