Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long) - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 543Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 66
Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Hi all,

72 hours into my world falling apart. I was recommended this forum as a good place to vent and get better advice than I'm maybe seeing elsewhere.

I'll try to condense as much as I can but I’m a writer by trade and I can’t edit myself for ****. The basics: I'm 35, wife is 42, married 7 years, been together for 9. 3 kids. Life was hectic but solid. I'm a freelancer, she's an academic. I gave up a lot of my career so she could pursue hers (or rather, I took the ****tier version of it but we did okay). We built a life, a house, kids, rhythms -- maybe more suburban than I would've liked, but it was working for us, and I wanted to give her the family she never thought she’d have.

As a side note: I would say we came in with a very strong foundation, not built solely on sex (although that was great): shared visions of our future, similar aspirations, some overlap in hobbies, we respected the hell out of each other, loved each other even more. Even today I don’t doubt any of that. Just wanted to say: it WAS good.

Fast forward to three years ago -- careers are going okay, finances are always edgy (freelancing is a lot tougher in a small town, but that’s where her career brought us), but we've got a house (thanks to a couple good years for me), we've got a family (3 babies in four years, it was intentional!).

It’s important for me to state that I think both of us would say at this point (4 years into marriage, 6 years into relationship) we felt VERY SOLID. Like our life was coming together finally. So many milestones, new baby, first house, jobs going good, etc, etc. But cracks are starting to show.

Sex is disappearing. Normal, right? Babies are hard, pregnancy is hard. Except... unlike the first two, after number 3 it doesn't seem to be coming back AT ALL. Every 6-9 months maybe ... for three years.

Fights. Prior to this mark (3 years ago) we had maybe 2 big fights. Nothing else. We literally didn't fight. I was amazed (I think something different now, but more on that later). We weren't fighting that much more at this point, but we were having the same fights: for my part it was feelings of isolation (a big city guy with no friends in a small town), career frustration, and lack of support and affection from her. For her: she felt I had anger issues and I was letting them affect our children (she was abused as a child I now understand). We had maybe 3 of these BIG shouting fights in the past three years.

We worked through many of the issues, spanking is no longer a thing in our house (or rather, I have stopped using it, she never did). I still get frustrated, but I’m trying to work on it. For her … well. We were roommates. We worked great as parents, but we were nothing beyond that. I had a wife, but I no longer had a lover. Recently, in the past year, she has taken the view that she has shut me away because of these anger issues, that’s where the lack of intimacy, support, general affection all went. A big fight like we had would cause 9 months of walled off emotion. Then there would be a thaw.

Maybe I shouldn’t describe it as a thaw. She wasn’t an ice queen, she wasn’t malicious. It was just … bland. Gone was the girl who was so in love with me I could see it shining in her eyes.

It had gotten so bad that I had decided that come December of this year (once she passed a major milestone at work – a five year project completed) and I finished my latest commission that we would start couples counseling. Otherwise, I was seeing no change in my unhappiness and I was thinking about divorce, not vindictively, but it felt like if we were both unhappy and there wasn’t going to be an effort to change then we should probably look for happiness elsewhere.

And then she beat me to the punch. We managed to carve out a few hours one Sunday night for a date, she took the opportunity to cautiously asked me if we could have an open marriage. I was stunned, how could she not see how broken we were? How could she not want sex with me, but want it with other people? Strangers, just physical, she insisted. It was an emotional night, she relented almost immediately, felt terrible that she had even asked, we really connected, spent a ton of time talking, tried to understand each other, we had sex for the first time in forever. Was this a turning point?

The next few weeks were tough but felt like we had achieved something, I was gone for a few days of every week for work trips. When I was home we were working through stuff, I started lifting and running again because I felt like she was telling me she had an attraction to that kind of super fit guy (more on that in a second), we were having good sex, we both started (solo) therapy. Things were getting better … I actually was starting to have hope that this might have been a turning point for us, that we might be back on the path to a happy marriage even if there seemed like a ton of work to go and the idea that she wanted the open marriage had been such a mind**** that I was still processing it.

And then.

I’m unsure if it happened immediately after she asked the “open marriage” question, or if it was a few days after that. But either way, she entered into an affair. In truth, she now admits the “open marriage” question was actually a cloaked request for permission to sleep with one specific man: our neighbor.

I’ll call him Fitness Bro. He’s a personal trainer, an Ironman athlete (key note: she used to be too, it was a huge part of her life before me, both of her major long-term relationships before me were men nearly identical to Fitness Bro – I wish I had known that). After much interrogation on my part I have come to the conclusion that it was not out of the blue, it was a long time coming.

When we moved into house three years ago, she admits she immediately found him attractive, but deliberately took steps to isolate herself. One might think: good! She knew the warning signs!

I now suspect it was merely because she was embarrassed of her pregnant body (we had our third a few months after moving in), and that he might not find her attractive, or at the least she was no longer in the shape that she might be considered a peer to Fitness Bro (and his equally fit wife), for the first 18 months we lived next door to them I believe she felt she was invisible to them, she was just the pregnant neighbor. Lots of self-esteem issues here I’m now realizing. It was not until 18 months ago (approximately) that I think she started to let herself think she might be attractive enough for him. Basically, once our youngest started giving her time to get back in shape. Jump ahead to this past summer.

In June I was gone for a month. Almost immediately a For Sale sign goes up next door. I do think this was purely coincidence, if only because I never told Fitness Bro anything, he was kind of annoying as a neighbor, though not anything I wasted time on. It’s possible she had already sparked a friendship, but with his wife still in the picture I’m not sure she ever would have. But then … the For Sale sign. Turns out Fitness Bro is separating from his abusive alcoholic wife.

No sympathy from me, but I do have sympathy for their poor soon, 10 years old, quite a **** sandwich he’s been getting from Dad and Mom. But I digress.

My wife started visiting his house to work out a training plan, to use his compression thing-something (for recovery), maybe once a week she’d go over. I’ll admit, I was jealous, but she was happy to be starting serious training again and I didn’t want to rain on the parade.

I’m a ****ing idiot.

They were doing all of that, but with Fitness Bro’s wife out of the picture now, my wife had taken her vague attraction for the hot neighbor to the next level. I believe she now had a crush.

That continued up to the “open marriage” question in September. During this time they started texting, that turned to flirting, and … following the open marriage question he eventually told her that he “wanted to be with her”. Her response was “[HUSBAND] will be out of town next week.” They had planned just to kiss, kidding themselves that it wasn’t really cheating … but it went straight to sex.

That was second or third week of September. It has been ongoing since then up until Sunday night.

I’m crushed. Because during this same time, following the open marriage question, I really thought we were getting somewhere. But now I realize I was just getting the emotional echo of her infatuation with this other man.

All the moments of great sex and happiness coincided (I now know based on a “hunch” log I was keeping) with encounters she had with him. In the stretches where she wasn’t seeing him because they were trying to be “just friends” she became distant, like she had been for the past three years. And then magically she’d transform from the stone-faced roommate I said goodbye to in the morning to her old flirtatious energetic self by the time we had a date that night. I’d later find out that it was only because she’d given him head in her office three hours before (that perversely seemed to be her pattern for how she ended their “breakups” she’d invite him to meet her in semi-public place – her office, our minivan in the Target parking lot – and suck him off. I’m sorry for the gory details. I just don’t know what to do with the mental images.)

This whole time I was insane with jealousy. I was losing sleep, I was convinced I was crazy because there was no evidence. No huge chunks of time missing (though I now realize she has a lot of freedom at work, it’s a quiet office where no one keeps tabs – it’s academia after all!). She quickly discovered Whatsapp. She locked her phone and turned off notifications, I was traveling so much it took me until two weeks ago to REALLY notice that odd behavior. And I was too caught up with maybe things getting better.

I kept a log though, and it matches up with startling accuracy. So there’s that at least. My “gut feeling” – it was ****ING RIGHT.

I caught her Sunday night because she made the mistake of going into the office at an unusual time to finish grading papers (normally she’d do that at home).

When I saw Fitness Bro drive off in the same direction as she left I knew it was on. I followed with the kids (in our – unknown to me – recently defiled minivan) and stood outside the office building while I watched the light turn on in her office, and two silhouettes appear, and come together.

Oddly, I just felt triumphant. I even said “I ****ing knew it!”

I went home, put the kids to bed, waited for her to come home. I worried she might deny it, I went for a drive – that was a mistake. I think she knew something was up. Texted me: “You okay?” I think that’s a pretty common guilt question from cheaters, right?

I drove home, stormed into our room, snatched the phone out of her hand and starting shouting. She stonewalled (had managed to lock the phone) for a few minutes and then eventually confessed.

The rest of the night was a lot of tears on her part, a lot of prying on my part. An almost immediate promise that it was over. At one point I stormed next door. The dip**** answered the door in his underwear. I wanted to break his jaw but I knew me spending the night in jail (much less potentially losing that fight) was not a good look for our kids. So I just told him “It’s over” and kept repeating it until he stopped pretending he didn’t know what I was talking about.

Yuck.

And so here I am. Three days later. ****ed up. Lonely. Hating this woman. Desperate to get her back, to get back to the way we were years ago. Wondering if we’ve changed too much. Wondering how she could be so vindictive in how she went about it – I mean asking me? Then days later making plans to do it anyway? It’s like a ****ing alien took over her body – she’s like the sweetest person you’d ever meet. I’m seriously wondering if there’s a brain tumor at work here. And most of all I’m wondering why I keep ****ing her every night, why holding her while I fall asleep makes me feel so calm. Only to wake up the next morning and hits me in the face like a hammer that ITS ALL STILL HAPPENING.

****.

I’m seeing signs of remorse, but there’s still a lot of “I don’t know” and “it was a blur”. She tells me the sex was bad, I’ve read that’s a common white lie. She’s been slow to reveal details, though I’m getting most of them now I think. I believe she wiped her phone after I confronted her. I can see why she would do this, but I’m not sure if this is a huge red flag or not. She otherwise seems remorseful and checking off all the boxes.

I do have a few questions that I was hoping someone could help with:

Exposure – if the affair has ended (so far that appears to be true) is that necessary? I want all her people to know, and none of mine. I’m so ashamed that my wife has done this to me, I know my friends will be supportive, but I just can’t feel lesser in their eyes. And my family, God. They LOVE this woman so much. I swear, they’d adopt her if they could. They’re either going to get their guts ripped out, or my sister is going to try to beat her ass. I can’t deal with all that stress right now.


I keep hearing about “scripts” that affairs follow. Is there anyone with experience trying to reconcile with a spouse with the affair partner still next door? (The dumbass won’t drop the price on his house, which is still for sale at 10% more per sq ft than every other house that’s sold in our neighborhood recently. He just can’t stand to take a loss because he overpaid. He’s a ****wit.)


Speaking of proximity, how do I deal with daily (or multiple times a day) triggers, and it seems like a huge risk for my wife. Especially when I travel. How do I track her movements while I’m gone?


How do I deal with the fact that she’s being remorseful and honest, but today she told me that she wanted to call him? She didn’t. But she felt that way. It feels honest, and a good step. So I’m glad. But I’m also not sure, I didn’t trust so many red flags that I saw before. What do I trust now?

And more than anything, I just need to know that I’ll be happy again one day. The kids are already picking up on it. I can’t raise three children who imprint that “a good Dad” is one who’s miserable. Like what are the odds here? 50-50 if you’re willing to work? Or … Han Solo navigating an asteroid field?

Anyway, if you managed to defeat that wall of text. Thank you. Here’s your reward: my gratitude for reading the entirety of my pain at a time when I just need somebody to listen.

PS – I am in therapy already, it’s helpful, but only once a week.

JayOwen is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 03:53 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5,955
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

The affair isn't over. Exposure is mandatory. So is no-contact, which probably means selling the house and moving since he's a neighbor. You really want to go down this road? Personally I recommend you dump her right away. Even if you are going to reconcile, she's going to fight everything unless you've got her begging to come back.

By the way, none of the actions you've listed "seem remorseful". I'm not sure where you're getting that impression other than wishful thinking.
WorkingOnMe is online now  
post #3 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:00 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,020
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Immediately file for divorce.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
 
post #4 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:14 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 52
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Burn the witch!
bojangles is offline  
post #5 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:17 PM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,954
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Immediately file for divorce.
And torch the minivan OP.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 10-26-2016 at 04:24 PM.
BetrayedDad is offline  
post #6 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:17 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: SE USA
Posts: 2,417
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

File for divorce. It can be stopped at anytime before the judge signs it as "final". You have to let her know you consider what she has done as unacceptable, even if you want to R.
For me her planning, lying, and the level of deception involved shows that you are her plan B. The paycheck, the babysitter, while he is her party partner. She is not showing anywhere near what would count as true remorse. You can not even think of reconciling while this guy is still in the picture and she has easy access to him while you are working. You are looking at a life filled with doubt, suspicion, and detective work if you stay married. She did this because she wanted to do it and did not care about the affect it would have on you or your family.

Tell her that you love her and because of that, you are going to file for divorce and let her chase the live she really wants. But you cannot be a part of that.

See a lawyer.

PS; Expose to everybody including your family. You will need their support. Don't keep them in the dark.
TDSC60 is offline  
post #7 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:23 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 229
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Not that it really matters, but the affair could have been going on much longer than what she's told you. The "open marriage" question might have been her way of asking for after-the-fact permission in order to alleviate her guilt. I would not trust the things that she tells you. Cheaters have a gift for lying, specifically understating the amount of contact they had, or how enjoyable the sex was.

If I were you, I'd tell her to go ahead and call him. She should tell him that she's moving in. You can help her pack up her stuff and bring it over to the neighbor's house. I realize you want her back, but sometimes the most effective way of knocking her back into reality is to see what she's losing. She took you for granted for many, many years. Now she can see what it's like to have deep academic conversations with a musclehead instead an obviously talented writer.

Get a DNA kit to perform testing on the kids. Yes, you're sure that they're yours. But let her see the consequences of living as someone who cannot be trusted. Get an STD test for yourself and let her see the results. Most importantly, contact an attorney so that you become fully acquainted with your rights and how much alimony and child support you're entitled to, as well as what percentage of her 401K you can expect.
Tatsuhiko is offline  
post #8 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:29 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,020
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

No contact is absolutely necessary for reconciliation to occur, and that's not going to occur for as long as the POS lives next door. Hell, NC is necessary for the affair to functionally end. So for as long as he's next door, the affair is still on.

Remorse is also necessary for reconciliation, and for as long as she's wanting to reach out to him IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER, she's not remorseful.

She wiped the phone because she's lying about something. Maybe she told him the sex was the best she's ever had, or how much she loves him and can't wait to be his forever, or keeps thinking about his manhood, or whatever. Bottom line -- whatever it is, she doesn't want you to see it because she knows that the truth regarding that something will likely prompt you to pull the plug and file.

After all, even if she does want the marriage to end, she wants to end it on her terms and on her timeline in order to secure a soft a landing as possible. You filing screws all that up for her.

Also, the affair likely began well ahead of the open marriage proposition.

So, like I said...

Immediately file for divorce.

That said, if you want to reconcile, expose the affair to family and friends. Exposure does a pretty good job of clearing the fog. Just be sure to expose out of concern for your marriage and family and not out of vindictiveness.

Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #9 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:30 PM
Forum Supporter
 
drifter777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Seattle
Posts: 183
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Read my post:

For Male BS, who chose a quick D over R how did it go?

Then set up an appointment with a divorce lawyer and get filed ASAP. Trying to cling to a dead marriage will make you crazy and hurt your kids more than you know.

The woman you live with is no longer your wife. She wants to be single and have you around to take care of the kids and such while she gets sex from other men. She's not going to stop because all of her needs (and wants) are being fulfilled.

I don't think there is any way you will be able to reconcile with her. That said, your only chance to shake her out of this is a server handing her a court date for her divorce. If she comes back asking for another chance well, that's up to you. If not then you are already headed down the path to healing from her disgusting betrayal.

Let me repeat - your marriage is dead. You may be able to build a new one, if you want to, but this one is over.

And the others are right, she's still screwing him.

Last edited by drifter777; 10-26-2016 at 04:36 PM.
drifter777 is offline  
post #10 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:34 PM
Member
 
Popcorn2015's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 119
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I'm sorry to be Captain Hindsight, but a 26-year old man should not get in a serious relationship with a 33-year old woman. You were just starting your prime, and she was well past hers. The good news is you are still in your prime.

Get DNA and STD tests.

Popcorn2015 is offline  
post #11 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: SE USA
Posts: 2,417
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Understand that the wife you knew and loved is dead. She is no longer the woman you have so many happy memories with.

That wife has been replace by a lying, cheating woman who thinks so little of you and your marriage that she has been f*cking your neighbor and still values him over you.

Mourn the death of your marriage. Mourn the death of the wife you thought you had. But never forget that the woman in your house at the moment is the one who intentionally killed them both with no thought of you.

Almost every betrayed spouse WANTS the wife and marriage they thought they had before infidelity happened. They wish for a way to turn back the clock. One of the hardest things you have to do now is accept the fact that that part of your life has been forever destroyed by her. You cannot get it back.
TDSC60 is offline  
post #12 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:35 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 1,885
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

Your words: she denied you love and intimacy for roughly 3 years. The occasional romp during this period. You attributed it to the third baby and the pregnancy weight that she had a hard time losing.

But it was more than that. She had lost the desire for you and what you could offer and gave it to a neighbor.

You put her infatuation and her grooming him [each other] into a month time frame. I suspect that it was going on much longer.

And her being in Academia.....this may not be her first rodeo, after your marriage??

This is what hurts the most. She longed for this affair. She plotted and planned it. She had fantasies about this.

How cruel of her to offer up an open marriage. She has no boundaries.

She has three young children and pulls this crap. Where is the maturity, the common sense. This is letting the VJ rule the big head. You did nothing to deserve this.....from what you have chronicled.

She does not deserve a 2d chance. No way Jose. Why? Because of her age, her education, the fact that she has three babies and a good, loyal husband and she was willing to throw it all away for sex?

Educated women she is.........smart, insightful, intuitive, spiritual, kind, emphatic....NOT. She threw you off the cliff...... using immature cliff-notes tactics.

To no avail. You can fly on your own. I suggest you get away from her. I pity those babies. Take good care of them during your 50 percent custody.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #13 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:36 PM
Member
 
snerg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 401
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

1) lawyer - now. You need to find where you stand legally
2) Start getting your money in order
3) Sleep - get plenty of it
4) Eat - you need energy to survive this
5) No Alcohol - just water - you need to be healthy and sharp minded
6) IC - you need professional help
7) Be the best father you can be
8) You fight to get as much custody of the kids as you can (50/50 minimum - I would fight for all custody)
9) 180 now because your mental health depends on it
10) DNA your kids (this is to show her that everything she has done is a lie that needs to be verified)
11) STD test ASAP - your life could depend on it

Then do the following:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

Question - Are you happy?

If YES - You have chosen wisely!
snerg is online now  
post #14 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 398
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

I am terribly sorry you are going through this. I know this is hard but you need to hang tough for the kids. The best education you can give them is a vision of a REAL man. A man who is NOT the douche neighbor.

First of all, it takes careful planning and lots of effort to have an affair. There is no such thing as "it just happened". Your wife had been going through extraordinary length to pull this off. Her suggestion of "open Marriage" proves she put a lot of thought in to it.

When you have children your self-image will always be through the eyes of your children, at least for most people. I know I started flying straighter after the kids came along. Your wife did this knowing how she would look to her children if it was made public. She was willing to destroy the image of their "mom" for this affair. (No, she is not sorry. No, they're still doing it.)

She needs to know that there are consequences for her action. This is not revenge. This is not just for her benefit, her education. This is for your children's sanity. In my opinion, "My parents had a great marriage but it just didn't work out" messes with the kid's mind more than knowing that their mother is a ****. They will know definitively that this is not THEIR fault. (That's the first thing kids think about. "Was it my fault that my parents divorced?")

It's time for you to be their hero. Be the vision of justice and morality. If that makes your wife look bad, so be it. Go public with the affair to your family and all of her friends and acquaintances. Then go see a lawyer.
KillerClown is offline  
post #15 of 247 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:41 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,402
Re: Here goes nothing... (sorry, very long)

DEFINITELY do the DNA and STD tests ASAP.

Also throw her out of the house. That's your best chance at reconciliation, because you'll be able to see if she really means it when she says she's remorseful.

Please read my story here for a look at what a truly remorseful spouse looks like. Hello
Hope1964 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Loss of a child - long story Good Guy Dealing with Grief and Loss 66 08-17-2016 10:39 AM
Long time no see COguy General Relationship Discussion 7 08-10-2016 05:14 PM
Trying to be patient... Long post. lessthennone General Relationship Discussion 3 04-03-2016 12:34 AM
To BS who's WS had a long term affair... badmemory Coping with Infidelity 35 02-10-2016 04:08 PM
How long do women take to decide? thunderssmith Going Through Divorce or Separation 22 01-07-2016 11:59 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome