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Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

49K views 145 replies 66 participants last post by  Evinrude58 
#1 ·
Really looking for positive comments and encouragement, I already have plenty of negativity.

Backround:
I am 44 my wife is 42, been married for 16 years and have 3 great kids, 17, 14, & 11. We both work full time and drive to work together everyday (my wife doesn't drive any more she developed some type of fear of driving about 5 years ago. This is what makes my situation a little different, I was driving her to have an affair....).

Situation: (apologize if I am all over the place)
About 5 months ago I caught my wife having an affair with someone her office does business with. Before catching her the affair went on for at least 6 months, although, I believe it was much longer than that. As a side note, this is not the first time my wife has cheated on me. She cheated with an exboyfriend very early in our marriage (I was able to dismiss this fairly easily as our marriage did not start off as a typical marriage, it was rough going in the beginning and neither of us I think were ready for it).

Back to the current situation.
I love my wife with everything I have and have absolutely no intentions of leaving her or my family, but, am struggling terribly. I want my marriage to survive and thrive in a positive and happy direction, but, my fears of this happening again, not being able to forget things I learned that happened in this affair (I am an IT specialist and when I found out about this I was able to find and read her messages and internet search history, bothers me she did things with another man that I wanted her to do with me. Also bothers me that she was in communication with him on days like Christmas (now I hate Christmas) and while I spent some time in the hospital, I was in the hospital and she was communicating with him!). I am also scared it is still going on at some level, she still works at the same job (very small office, 2 people) and claims she has had no contact with him, I am having a very hard time believing this as I know her office does business with this person. All this said I want to believe my wife and have our marriage get through this. Problem is my own mind and thoughts are preventing any type of progress.

I could type for days on more details, but, don't know what else is relevant. Please feel free to ask anything, I am a 100% open book, just looking for help and encouragement.
 
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#132 ·
You requested positive comments only. Were you hoping to hear this could be worked out? That all you had to do was _____?I hate to say this but your wife is a serial cheater and she will not change. People like this feed off of the newness in these flingy hopeless relationships. I think it is because their own self image is so scarred but trying to make a difference in their lives in like pulling teeth, it is next to impossible.

You might not want to leave for whatever reason but this will not stop and you have ever right to be hurt and offended. So do you stay and make the best of the situation despite what is going on or do you leave and find your own happiness?
 
#135 ·
Not really. There are several on TAM that have reconciled. I think the count is positive to the R if was added up. The thing is if the cheater actually shows that they regret what they have done and shown real remorse. If they come clean when discovered or the sheer shame and guilt lead them to confess on their own. That I believe the husband or wife could get over it.

But if they hide, lie and belittle the BS then only come clean with hard proof. Then screw the POS cheater and kick them to the curb.
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#137 ·
The repeated characterizations that TAM is this or TAM is that are simply cases of individuals lashing out because they feel they are not being heard.

TAM does not have a uniform voice on D, R, women or men. Please pause, reflect, and understand the poster you are arguing with SIMPLY HAS A DIFFERENT OPINION.

And no one has a lone voice here as the only one supporting a particular position - that is victim-speak actually.

So take a chill-pill and realize that the 5th time you've stated your opinion probably means that we know what you're thinking.

Sorry to interrupt - please continue shouting at each other.


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#139 ·
You are not going to like this as you want to stay but here are my thoughts for what it is worth. I have thought about how I would react in a similar situation as I have some "questions" on my end given current circumstances. But seriously, if she cheated, and this is the second time, I would leave her my friend. You go out and find some smoking hot young women that would appreciate you and not just want you for your money (or if they do who cares...you're not marrying them). Then you bring one of your new girlfriends along when you or your wife pick up the kids and watch her jaw hit the floor. Payback is a mofo.
 
#141 ·
EleGirl said:
There is not one person on TAM who has training and experience in marriage counseling, recovering from infidelity, etc.
I do. The church made some of us young ones take a few courses in it. I wouldn't consider myself full-fledged or an expert. I did advocate for reconciliation but if OP continues being as ineffective as his initial post suggests, authentic reconciliation is but a dream.
 
#145 ·
To: hurtingtechguy
You have not told us very much about your wife. Is she remorseful? What actions have she taken to show you she is remorseful? Does she respect you? Is she willing to do all that is available to put the trust back into the marriage?
Since you did not give us very much information on your wife I will address this to you.

First a little recap:

1 Your wife cheated on you many years ago and again this year

2 She put the OM ahead of you in some pretty destructive ways (e.g. when you were ion the hospital she was in contact with him)

3 You have three children with her (11, 14,17)

4 You said, I have and have absolutely no intentions of leaving her or my family

5 You said, am struggling terribly.

6 You said I want to believe my wife and have our marriage get through this. Problem is my own mind and thoughts are preventing any type of progress

7 You do not trust her

8 You want something positive



Here is what I think is positive:

It will be extremely positive if you diligently pursue every possible source that can help you get stronger emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I mean go after that very aggressively; like a badger going after honey!

If you get a lot stronger you will have a chance to attract your wife back to you if that is your goal. Of course your wife will have to make some changes. In addition, when you get stronger you will be in much better shape to get your life in order and help your children regardless what your wife does. Some people may try and tell you this is selfish for you to just concentrate on yourself but it is not selfish it is SURVIVAL. You are unable to help your wife until you are strong enough to stop “struggling terribly”

Your wife does not respect you like you should be respected and she does not have strong love for you at this time. YOU must take action to help yourself as she is limited in what she can do to help you. You are weak because she has devastated you just like all of us were in the first months after D-Day. You do not have to be ashamed to admit that you are weak but you will regret it terrible if you stay weak!

I found that building yourself up and allowing natural consequences to occur for your wife is about all you can do. You cannot change her to the degree that you want she will have to do that. You need to force yourself to put her out of your mind, do not shield her from any consequences, and strive with focus and extreme vigor to build yourself up. Any time you allow her or her actions to occupy your thoughts and activities is time that will make you go backwards.

You asked if we thought that she would not continue to be a serial cheater. My positive answer is yes if she is truly remorseful, takes actions to be discipline and accountable, and learns to respect and love you with a strong and committed love.
 
#146 ·
This is so exactly correct, perfect advice. You should listen. I was weak when all this started with me. Honestly, had I not been so weak and somehow forced myself to stop acting on my emotions-- i.e. hysterical bonding, begging, pleading, getting depressed, I think I could have gotten through this with my crappy, cheating, ex wife. But I didn't. I stayed weak and struggled as you put it.
You CANNOT fix this until you get yourself in a totally different frame of mind. I would see a therapist, and force myself to work out and exercise, and force myself to do things I know I should be doing and was putting off. He is exactly correct in telling you that every minute you spend thinking about your wife, is a step backwards. When you find yourself dwelling on her---- right that minute you'd better get busy, or it will eat you up from the inside. This stuff ain't easy. I couldn't do it. I'm divorced and dealing with a broken family and 3 kids now. It's hard.

Don't let this happen. You MUST get stronger, or you will get worse. You can do this. You just have to spend that emotion getting angry, motivated, DESPERATE to improve yourself in every way possible. When you get yourself to the point that you can see yourself with a good life no matter what happens, you'll be able to handle whatever comes your way.

I'd reread the quoted post over and over every day.
 
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