Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Really looking for positive comments and encouragement, I already have plenty of negativity.

Backround:
I am 44 my wife is 42, been married for 16 years and have 3 great kids, 17, 14, & 11. We both work full time and drive to work together everyday (my wife doesn't drive any more she developed some type of fear of driving about 5 years ago. This is what makes my situation a little different, I was driving her to have an affair....).

Situation: (apologize if I am all over the place)
About 5 months ago I caught my wife having an affair with someone her office does business with. Before catching her the affair went on for at least 6 months, although, I believe it was much longer than that. As a side note, this is not the first time my wife has cheated on me. She cheated with an exboyfriend very early in our marriage (I was able to dismiss this fairly easily as our marriage did not start off as a typical marriage, it was rough going in the beginning and neither of us I think were ready for it).

Back to the current situation.
I love my wife with everything I have and have absolutely no intentions of leaving her or my family, but, am struggling terribly. I want my marriage to survive and thrive in a positive and happy direction, but, my fears of this happening again, not being able to forget things I learned that happened in this affair (I am an IT specialist and when I found out about this I was able to find and read her messages and internet search history, bothers me she did things with another man that I wanted her to do with me. Also bothers me that she was in communication with him on days like Christmas (now I hate Christmas) and while I spent some time in the hospital, I was in the hospital and she was communicating with him!). I am also scared it is still going on at some level, she still works at the same job (very small office, 2 people) and claims she has had no contact with him, I am having a very hard time believing this as I know her office does business with this person. All this said I want to believe my wife and have our marriage get through this. Problem is my own mind and thoughts are preventing any type of progress.

I could type for days on more details, but, don't know what else is relevant. Please feel free to ask anything, I am a 100% open book, just looking for help and encouragement.

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post #2 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:19 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

So you're married to a serial wayward that is lying to you about having no contact w/ her latest AP.

I'm positive that you should file for divorce ASAP.
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post #3 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:19 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

well if you are going to try R she has to change jobs.

Is the OM married or have a girl friend? if so Expose
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post #4 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:24 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

@hurtingtechguy
I'm sorry that you are hurting.

Have you and your wife considered counselling?
Is she remorseful?
What excuses did she say for having an affair?


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post #5 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:24 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

You're not going to leave her and she knows that. Why are you staying in the marriage? Because of the kids? If so, you just have to stick it out for 7 more years.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #6 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:26 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingtechguy View Post
Really looking for positive comments and encouragement, I already have plenty of negativity.

I could type for days on more details, but, don't know what else is relevant. Please feel free to ask anything, I am a 100% open book, just looking for help and encouragement.
Sorry for your situation. But have some optimism in the fact that you landed in the #1 place that will help you progress on your situation, be it with her or without her.

You will be asked to give much more details to get accurate advise though, especially for the evaluation of her present state of still being in the/or another affair...

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

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post #7 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:30 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

I was originally was going to type out a long thought, but read over your post again and decided to make it simple

Your wife is a serial cheater. She will never stop. There is a real high probability that she has had several more affairs that you have no clue about.

You - you are far too codependent. The fact that you won't divorce and apply a consequence shows that she can walk all over you because she knows you are her doormat.

You - do the following:
1) IC today - you need to talk with a therapist that deals with infidelity recovery (for you not your marriage)
2) Lawyer - you need to know your rights
3) Get your finances in order
4) Get your backside to a doctor today and get STD, HIV, HEP C battery of tests - your life depends on it!
5) Start divorce with lawyer in step 2
6) Eat correctly
7) drink plenty of water
8) get as much sleep as you can
9) expose - far and wide
10) start 180 - your mental well being depends on it

As I have stated in other threads:
Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #8 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:33 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

OP

Please see a therapist for your codependency.
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post #9 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
@hurtingtechguy
I'm sorry that you are hurting.

Have you and your wife considered counselling?
Is she remorseful?
What excuses did she say for having an affair?


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We have been to counselling and it hasn't really helped.

She seems to be very remorseful.

Her excuses were the typical bull****. In reality it was due to her lack of self confidence and when someone showed interest it made her feel good and selfishness took over.

A ton of comments so far, still trying to digest some of them and am praying that some of the comments are wrong and not reality.
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post #10 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:48 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Asking for positive responses only sounds a lot like an attempt to deny some truth that you fear. Don't do this. Seek the truth of your situation, whatever that is.

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post #11 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by convert View Post
well if you are going to try R she has to change jobs.

Is the OM married or have a girl friend? if so Expose
The OM is married and has a serious track history of cheating on his wife and pursuing other women.
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post #12 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:54 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Well, this will be an ongoing occurrence until she changes, has boundaries. She is the same person with the same programming and likely to occur again and again.

So, you have a better understanding of her and what is likely to happen. If you want this relationship, but you also need to lose it at the same time, she needs to seek ongoing help to resolve her issues. I would be supportive and yet detached to a certain degree at the same time so if things do not work out, it would not hurt as much and make it easier to move on. You cannot trust the person she is now and if she is motivated enough to change, perhaps she can change into someone you can trust.

In the meantime, you should protect yourself and find out your options just in case.

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post #13 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 08:57 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Reality:

Your wife is as you describe. She's going to cheat anytime someone shows her attention. At least that's what it looks like.

Positive: You say your wife is remorseful. That's good.
What you need to tell us is why you think she is remorseful and truly sorry about what she did, or is she just worried her meal ticket and free ride to work is in jeopardy? That's what you need to determine. If the other man has to take her to work and deal with all her problems, I guarantee he will be history.
If she's still working with the guy in a small office, she's either still doing him or he's dumped her. That simple, really.

Positive: Your wife really may be remorseful if you've been a good husband.

Positive: If you went about things right, which is start the divorce process and have the iron will to shut her off emotionally and show her you won't tolerate cheating, she may experience enough consequences to be afraid to do this again. Because if she gets attention from a new man, she's most likely going to WANT to cheat again. It's an obvious pattern.

Positive: You can serve her divorce papers, and not go through with it.

If you rug sweep this and go forward and try to nice her back, she will have no respect, Know there's no consequences to her cheating, and it WILL happen again most likely. Provide severe consequences or expect a repeat performance.

GOod luck,
I know this crushes you, the pain is relentless, etc. BUt if you can be strong and institute some obvious changes in your life and interactions with your wife, I think it's possible to fix it if she's truly remorseful. Finding out if she is truly remorseful and not just dreading consequences is probably the hard part.
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post #14 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 09:00 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

You really only have two choices. You can either accept your wife for who she is with all of the good and bad or divorce her. What do you want? You can't change who she is so that is not an option.
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post #15 of 146 (permalink) Old 10-27-2016, 09:00 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingtechguy View Post
Really looking for positive comments and encouragement, I already have plenty of negativity.
How about a positive outcome. That's what you're really looking for isn't it? What's best for you?

It's foolish to rule out divorce. Because based on your wife being a serial cheater and still being in contact with OM; it's very likely she will cheat again. That, made all the more likely because she knows you are afraid of D. In the mean time, the mind movies will cause you constant misery and growing regret.

You can't see it right now, but divorce can be a "positive" outcome for you.
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