Will he ever forgive me? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2011, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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Will he ever forgive me?

My husband and I met in the military and dated for a year before we got married. Every thing was good except after a couple of years, the communcation was almost non-existant. Everytime I would try to talk to him about anything, he would shut me out. I would ask him his feelings and I would try to tell him my feelings but it was like I was constantly hitting a brick wall. Except he didn't have any problem calling up his ex to talk to her about how he felt nor did he give his input in any decisions for our household and children. This frustrated me to no end.

I started talking to an old friend that I use to work with and we would hang out a few times. I liked his attention that he was giving me and his company that I surely was not getting for my husband. One thing lead to another and I cheated. I felt the lowest of low and my guilt got to me so bad that i told my husband. It was only then that I realized how dumb I was to do what I did. I owned up to what I did. And there is no excuse for what I have done. I was stupid, immature, selfish and every bad thing I can think of.

We went through all the motions. We cried together, talked and I was up front and honest with any questions he had. I told him I would understand if he never wanted to be with me. He chose to forgive me and we would move forward with our marriage. We had good and bad days and the guilt for me was so bad that I went into a depression and wanted to even take my own life.
Fast forward to now, 6 yrs later, he is telling me that feelings about what I did are starting to come up and he wants us to go to counseling. I want to go because I want to do anything it takes to let him know I care about this marriage and I want it to last. I have done everything in my power to prove to him it would never happen again. But at what point does it get better? I am starting to feel like maybe he should have just let me go at the time all this was going on. It's been 6 years! I just don't know what to do anymore!

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2011, 08:29 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

Infidelity changes a relationship forever. He will never forget what you did. My advice is to go to counselling w him at his request. Talk, communicate. Good luck.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2011, 08:37 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

It seems that the counseling should have been done right after you came clean but instead it got swept under the rug. Your husband never healed because he ignored the wound and just let it fester. Now he wants counseling because he realizes that it is too much for him without outside help.

I agree with Jellybeans that you should accompany your husband to counseling but be warned, pick a counselor with experience in infidelity otherwise you won't know what you'll be getting and it may be more harmful than good. Oh and before the first session begins, tell the counselor that you will not tolerate having him/her berating your husband for things he should have or shouldn't have done before you had your affair, that you take full responsibility for your bad choice to have the affair. Once that is cleared then the counseling can begin.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2011, 09:14 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

My guess is that something has triggered your husband or he has let things fester. Either way, if he wants counseling, please go and support him. How has your relationship been during the past six years? I'm not from the school of thought that the BS is always a blameless victim. I wasn't. That doesn't mean my husband's infidelity didn't cause every fiber of my being to ache, but I understood why it happened and I take responsibility for my part in letting our marriage bottom out. Still, I understand the problems your husband may be experiencing. Consider yourself lucky that he wants counseling as opposed to just giving up or getting even. Support him.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2011, 09:52 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

How long was your A? Do you have kids?

From what you describe, you are on the path of R. Your H triggers now and then is something you must accept to live with for the rest of your life. Why do you despair so much? Do you want him to completely get over it and never to mention it? Do you want to live as though it never happened?

I emphathize with you, but I think you are over-reacting. I think you should feel lucky that he took you back and is doing what he can to heal himself.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-29-2011, 10:23 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

Run to the counseling, because it maybe your only chance to pull this out of the gutter. He's trying it seems, but something is triggering his memories and he may not be able to get over it.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-30-2011, 02:21 AM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

Originally Posted by happydayz View Post
. But at what point does it get better?
This answer is diferent for everyone...you know,infidelity is one of the things in life that you can't undo and its one of the things that makes a huge mental damage for the BS...He will never forget no matter how your marriage is good,and the only thing you can do is to be there for him and to comfort him and to show him that you love him...I wish you and your husband luck and hope that your marriage survives...
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-30-2011, 08:08 AM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

Your job is to make your husband feel totally safe, and it has to come from you, and effort to change your boundaries and the precautions you put in place to protect the marriage from any outside interference.
you should be accountable for all your time....
he should have complete access to all your communication devices,
you should not ever have any conversations with any other man about anything personal, you should never be alone with any other man ever again.
I would only have a joint email and a joint facebook, things like that,
avoid doing anything that reminds him of that affair, places where ever it took place......cut those things out of your life.
If you make him feel safe, meet all his emotional needs and focus on him, he has to be the only thing you think about anymore......he has been hurt so he will be needy, he will have doubt why wouldn't he, he knows you can make decisions that don't have his best interests at heart....
He knows you can lie to protect yourself.......you have changed who you are in his eyes......you have changed the foundation of your marriage, have you offered to renew your vows as a symbol of your remorse and love for him?
fix what you can.
he may never forgive you totally and trust well that you are going to have to earn every day......hopefully in time you will have made him feel so secure with you, he won't let the triggers get in the way of your marriage and his feelings, I am a BS too and I know how awful it is to have your life and all you believed and trusted in be ripped from you, you know BS didn't even have a choice in the destruction of our lives, the disrespect was unbelievably hurtful......
It takes a long time and a lot of work by you to fix what you broke....
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-30-2011, 10:30 AM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

It happened 20+ years ago and I still get images and triggers. You have to understand that your husband chose you as a partner one who he put his full trust and love in. He and you took vows to that.

You made a choice to S**T on those vows and in essence to S**T on him with no care for his feelings.

That memory will never go away. You can make a strong marriage but it will never be what it could have been.

You cannot unring a bell.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-30-2011, 12:38 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

You cheated so...guess what! You can't sweep that under the rug. If you're fed up with it being 6 years later and he has problems...then maybe you should divorce him so he can move on with his life. He didn't cheat...you did. You gave yourself to another man. You shared something special with someone else that you promised to him alone. That is a pain that you'll never fully understand.

If you love him, you'll see it through....if your fed up....then let him go.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-30-2011, 12:55 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

Post and run?
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-30-2011, 01:03 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

Originally Posted by RWB View Post

Will he ever forgive me?... You say he has. However, he will never forget. Just doesn't happen.

BTW, something or someone has stirred his memory and emotions.

Hear a truth from another Betrayed Spouse. While we can and do sometimes forgive and reconcile, we indefinitely reserve the right, the choice, the decision to abandon, divorce, leave the DS even after R, regardless of the level of contrition of the DS. To some this sounds unfair, so what, cheating has major consequence.
No I disagree with this. We do have the right to ask for as much time as we need to decide what we want, but we do not have the right to fake forgiveness and hold this over their head indefinitely. Our choice is to offer the gift of R or else to D, once we make that choice we have to work towards it... if this BS is holding it against his DW or using it to manipulate her or the relationship she still has the right to be treated with decency and even express her concerns.

Of course the damage will never go away, he will never forget it and it will affect him forever, but he still has love for her or else they wouldn't be where they are. Whether it is 6 years or fresh, he wants to go to counselling so by all means the OP should work on the relationship with him, so long as they don't put blind faith in a bad counselor to fix this.

And conversely, no matter how much time has passed, perhaps he just cannot rest with it or heal while still married, if both partners aren't committed to making it work then it is basically over. This may all sound contradictory, but my point is that if both partners want to make it work then they can.

Last edited by Lon; 11-30-2011 at 01:09 PM.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-30-2011, 02:04 PM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

Go to counselling. It is the right thing to do for both of you.

Your husband's request is admirable because he has highlighted to you that 6 years on he needs help and that request from him should be treated with great respect, more respect than you gave him when you cheated on him and your marriage.

You should understand that you have acknowledged your guilt and have shown a need to express remorse to your husband for the terrible damage you have put on your marriage.

As cheaters go, I guess you are a better class of cheater.

The cheater that cannot face up to the damage caused and runs away with OP giving no closure to a BS is the lowest of the lowest of cheaters and you aren't in that category. Although a cheat, you do merit some respect because you have owned up and are prepared to face the music of your wayward ways.

With strength and courage you have come into the lion's den seeking advice and that too is a measure of your desire to make some good out of the worst possible thing you can do to a human being, betrayal. It is so bad, it sucks.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 12:20 AM
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Re: Will he ever forgive me?

I will not hold my wifes infidelity over her head. What she did is on her. My forgiveness is on me and I reserve the right to take it back.

Just like she has the right to go back to a individual behavior that is not only emotinaly unhealthy for her but hurts others in the process.

My forgiveness is what I own and the only reason I would take it away from her is if she slept around again.
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