Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

If the realtionship continues the cheater always gets the best deal..

21K views 116 replies 41 participants last post by  jb02157 
#1 ·
So there is a wonderful post on SI/Wayward from a person 5 years out. She basically says her life is great, really not even a word about the pain she caused her husband. The affairs happened and they suck. Not much more, basically I was really a crazy person when I did all this.

I have been reading a lot of these blogs for a while now, not sure why. I think because for me as a person who hates injustice the injustice of it all really is an eye opener. It's kind of like a car crash type of thing. I have come to the conclusion the when you really look at it people who have affairs almost always get the best deal out of it. I mean REALLY get the best deal. This being said only if the couple stays together, but maybe even if the leave. I think most are not even capable of even understanding the hurt they have caused. It's sad but it is really true, if you don't have much of a conscience why not have an affair. Even society doesn't frown on you now a days. Your spouse will be upset but hell they will get over it, at least enough to stop hassling you about it. Really it is only painful for a while and only a long term personal problem if you have some shame, which if you are going to do this you really don't have much to begin with.

I guess I always knew this, I mean cheaters very often win in sports. But man is it evident. It's just so much worse when you use other peoples emotion to get your victories. One of the reasons I believe in God is because I think I would truly go insane if I had to live in a world and think it was without justice. My sister told me once that she believes Hell is having to relive the pain you caused others from there point of view. I hope she is right.

Anyway go read the post, especially if you are thinking of R, it gives you a good perspective of the kind of people who do this. I am sure in her mind this is a lovely post, there is obviously no shame (at least from mine). I wonder what her husband thinks of it. From her perspective it was the catalyst that lead to her happiness. All on his emotional back. There really are Vampires in this world, and too many of them.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
I have been reading a lot of these blogs for a while now, not sure why. I think because for me as a person who hates injustice the injustice of it all really is an eye opener. It's kind of like a car crash type of thing. I have come to the conclusion the when you really look at it people who have affairs almost always get the best deal out of it.

My sister told me once that she believes Hell is having to relive the pain you caused others from there point of view. I hope she is right.

All on his emotional back. There really are Vampires in this world, and too many of them.

@sokillme I will not kill you. You are flame to injustice.

Those that swim the depths see the dark hues, the carnage at the surface.

Those that swim at the surface care not about the depth. They swim, eyes "left-right", back over their shoulder. Never up, the Sun blinds them. All their friends and finny school mates course with them. They fear the sharks, and wish they were that ilk.

Religion give its adherents hope. And hope gets you out of bed.
 
#11 ·
As you say, not clear how well the husband is doing , other than "everything's great now". The way I feel now I think the scars will stay for life, so she is maybe a tad blasé and if he blogged it would be a different story.
Indeed.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#4 ·
This is one reason why I am not generally pro-reconciliation.

The forgiven WS gets to have awesome, titillating dangerous sex with their AP. They get to live this second secret life of excitement, fun and romance unencumbered by marriage, kids and mortgages. And...even when they are caught, more often than not all they suffer is a period of embarrassment and shame followed by a couple of years of spats and arguments; but they come out four or five years later relatively unscathed.

The BS on the other hand gets the all the gifts that keep on giving: humiliation... degradation...STDs...mind movies...anguish...depression...anxiety...fear...sleeplessness...self-loathing...shame...paranoia...anger...rage...confusion...insecurity...disillusionment............FOR YEARS AND YEARS....

Yeah. How equitable.
 
#6 ·
I am harder on waywards than most.

That said, all of them cannot be categorized the same. Some spend a lifetime trying to make it up to their BS's, several of whom have been or are still on this site. Many more are just simply lost. A few are plain evil.

Nobody wins in infidelity, least of all the cheater.
 
#16 ·
Nobody wins in infidelity, least of all the cheater.
I have to disagree. Anyone who gets to keep their marriage after an extended period of intentionally deceiving and inflicting pain on their spouse, while enjoying the excitement of an "affair" can only be thought of as the winner. Even if they went through a little difficult period after D-Day, they got the prize in the end.
 
#12 ·
Your right sokillme. My take away is a little different though. I don't view reconciliation as a gift per say to the WS. I look at it as simple gritting your teeth and saying if these conditions are meant and only if they are meant it is worth it. In short what could have been pure good has been diluted and mixed with toxic impurities but never the less some gold is there.

I believe the first thing a BS should do is see a lawyer, protect their finances, establish custody guidelines for themselves with no regard to the WS. Then confront and let the BS ask for, and prove the marriage still has worth. In short divorcing is the first choice. Anything else is asking to live in limbo.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Palodyne
#13 ·
PS any chance of shooting me a PM with a link? I am banned, why I am not quite sure.
 
#20 ·
I believe some percentage of cheaters view their affairs as learning experiences, with wonderful memories of amazing sex they can think about when having sex with their clueless spouses.

I think part of the reason my W reduced and then stopped having sex with me after I recovered our marriage, is that she could no longer fantasize about OM-1 as guilt over the improved way I was treating her started creeping in.

Another percentage of cheaters feel they are doing their spouse a favor by recommitting to them, they gave up what they wanted most in their life for you, some of the statements my W has said support that that is how she felt.

I also get the impression that deep down my W feels she is morally superior for escaping the affair, although it's a bit of self deception as the OM dumped her most likely.

Tamat
 
#23 ·
Not sure my H feels this way. Two years plus out from the last D day and he's still in the basement. I haven't invited him back to the bed and he is left to wonder if I am still in touch with my EA partner but knows he has no right to ask.
Is he suffering for what he did? Yes, he is. But he still has his family intact and the facade of a normal marriage. Sometimes I think it's more than he deserves, other times I think he's suffered enough. Jeez, cheating messes everything up.
 
#32 ·
Disagree the cheater always gets the best deal if the relationship continues.

My wife had an EA because I was not enough for her, emotionally.

Due to my demands, she ended the EA, we firebombed that relationship, which was one of her lifelong best friends.

She hasn't spoken with that friend in 4+ years and he is removed from her life.

She still has emotional need issues and struggles with her self worth.

Neither of us "won", but ultimately, I get to have a wife who no longer has a male BFF. She loses a close friend. She still feels emotionally unfulfilled. I'm no longer hurting from her EA. We have generally mended fences, while I try to be more supportive.

Net net, she is generally in the same place. And I am better off.
 
#35 ·
@Wazza hi,

What I meant was the BS should have a carefully planned divorced with the aid of an attorney in regards to knowing first how to maximize custody and second a realistic of their finances post divorce and again how to maximize as much as possible. Then explore the posdibility of reconciliation. Knowing you have a solid option allows the BS to feel in control. This echoes the concept of "to save a marriage, firth you must be prepared to lose it".

I've posted this thought before and received very negative feedback that it was a gift to the WS. Fine, but it could be viewed as a gift the BS gives themselves because the WS enabled them to consider by showing remorse, trans, etc. That the afterschocks will aways be oartenity of the marriage. Yet the reconciled marriage is worth it to the BS to endure because their emotional needs and physical needs are meet and a great deal of healing has occurred. This is actually somewhat cold hearted view based partially on a transactional POV.
 
#43 ·
I just like to add that once you've made the decision to reconcile, you've basically boxed yourself up in the wheelie bin. There's just no point wondering about who has the better deal. I am not a fan of reconciliation when things have crossed the physical boundaries. The stink is too much for me to handle but there have been people who've borne the stench and continue to do so but I'm sure they would've driven themselves nuts moaning about the injustice. Onward and upward, lads.
 
#44 ·
I went over to SI and read the "Five Years" post. The only good thing I saw was she at least used Paragraphs. For some reason most of the SI posters are nothing walls of Text.

SI... Paragraphs separating ideas, PLEASE!
 
  • Like
Reactions: sokillme
#46 ·
I tend to agree with the OP in that the cheater almost always comes out ahead when the smoke clears. It's just plain reality. I am also the type that feels if my spouse cheats on me and I keep her around, I would likely have a revenge affair. I have no need for an affair, but it would be the likely scenario for getting my pride back and to let her share in some of the pain. Yeah, I know I would lose my moral "high ground" but that means very little when your spouse has stabbed you in the back.
 
#55 ·
I feel the same as you on this Tx-Sc ... I've discussed this with my husband.. I told him I am the type of person that would NEED to get back in order to forgive.. whether this is right or wrong makes little difference to me.. I know what I'd need - I'd want him to feel the pain, the sheer jealousy...if he didn't care.. I'd know he never loved me anyway..

I completely understand those who've contemplated or had revenge affairs... I don't think I could get past something like this -unless the score was evened somehow..that's just me, my humanness.
 
#47 ·
I read the thread you are talking about. She appears to even now put much of the blame on her husband. She also talks like she is a completely new person and doesn't recognize her old self. I think people can change some, but I always have to question if the change can be that drastic or if they are just deceiving themselves.
 
#48 ·
Don't forget - there are a lot of snakes over there who do a whole lot of show-boating on the Wayward board purely for their BSs benefit, because they KNOW their BS is reading their posts (and posting on the BS side). If anyone thinks for one minute that any of those particular cheaters are going to make a confession or say anything to contradict the lies they already told their BSs on D-Day, then I want some of what they're smoking. These cheaters are ALL about posting how sorry they are, and how they can't live with their guilt and how they've changed and become SUCH a better person and how they'll never cheat again and how they loooooooove their BS, and on and on. It's actually laughable when you know their BS is over on Wayward hoovering up every single word of their placating posts.

In reality, a good many of them are probably on their burner phones setting up dates while they're simultaneously posting on Wayward about their deep sorrow for what they've done. :awink:

The delusion over there makes my head hurt.
 
#52 ·
It is called shunning and when a group shuns effectively it is devastating to the person being shunned.
 
#56 ·
I will never stop hating myself for not divorcing my cheating wife after d-day. I lied when I told myself that I could move past it - that time heals all wounds. I was a coward and used my son as an excuse for staying. That a good father would never leave the kids mother. What a crock of ****. I was a great dad and nothing his mom could do would have changed that fact.

She got over on me. Not just that she screwed two guys and had one move in for a couple weeks. Not just the humiliation of her disgusting slu*ty behavior. She got me to accept being treated like a dog - a scared puppy. The strength I had melted when it was all on the line. That's not her fault - that is all on me. But she got the benefits. She got all that sex with OM and I got stabbed in the heart. She will never get it - I do not believe any WW gets it. But lots of BHS know exactly what I mean. There is a big part of me that hates a small part of her with a vengeance and that will never change.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#63 ·
Yeah. I have it SO much better than him. He's not the one still crying every day a year later. Telling people at work your eyes are puffy because you're sick. (Even though you are sick, but it has nothing to do with your eyes). Answering the phone when your mom calls and again playing it off that you're sick and just stuffy, that you haven't just been bawling wishing you could change what you did.

He doesn't drive down the road and temporarily forget where they are because he's fantasizing about driving his car into a tree. He isn't the one that's thought about packing up and leaving and going ghost on everyone, including family because what he did is too hard to carry.

He's not the one who has ignored 5 texts and 3 phone calls from his sister today because he just can't people today because life is just too f^cking heavy.

He's gone out 5 times this week while I've been lost in myself. And yeah, he cheated too. When this doesn't work, and it's not going to, it won't be because he cheated. It'll be because *I* cheated. I will lose the one that meant the most to me because I was too stupid and too drunk to do the right thing. That's not winning.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#75 ·
I don't believe that people ever benefit from doing the wrong thing. It mightn't come back on them today or tomorrow, but one thing we can be sure of; Karma is a b!tch who will demand payment sooner or later...

I used to think this was a load of nonsense, but I've now lived too long to not believe that it's true.
 
#77 ·
I think because for me as a person who hates injustice the injustice of it all really is an eye opener. .
I think you should figure out why do you feel so much injustice out of injustice, not being disrespectful, but some childhood upbringing might have something to do with it.
This world is full of injustices and they aren't going to end anytime soon......infidelity is clearly one of them....but we also cage animals in confined spaces for a short lived cruel life, and then slaughter them to eat them and get away with it....just a thought.
 
#89 ·
I agree with the original post, in theory. It does often appear that once there has been reconciliation that the WS gets off fairly easy.

However, for me, I feel like an absolute piece of human garbage. And sometimes I start feeling good, better, healing, and my ex reminds me that I am a disgusting wh0re. I feel like it will be decades before I feel normal again.
 
#93 · (Edited)
Still being in touch with my EA partners is what tells me that I'm not ready to forgive my H and reconcile. When he finally confessed to the 5 affairs (I know there are more), and to hacking into my phone and laptop with keyloggers, I was so enraged that I told him he no longer had the right to tell me with whom I could or could not be friends with, that it was now none of his business. Those relationships have evolved, the one friend reached out to me last year because he had cheated on his wife in a PA and she found out. He wanted my sympathy and advice, ironically. The other man is estranged from his wife and would like to reconcile, but he does nothing to make it happen. I hold no illusions or fantasy that either of these men are good relationship material. No fairy dust for me.

Thanks for your kind words, MJJEAN. I am not very religious, but I do have family and friends. I know I'd be okay, just have to figure out what I truly want. Like you, I know it means taking action myself. I did everything possible, short of a PA, to make my H leave me. I wanted the decision to be easy, but it rarely is when children are involved and after decades of building a life together. Now he's being kind and considerate and acts like he truly loves me. Pisses me off half the time, makes me feel guilty, and then angry the other half. Every once in a while, it makes me feel like there is hope for us. I will say it again, cheating messes everything up. :(
 
#94 ·
I'm here to say that my spouse got a good deal out of reconciliation. To say that I got a better deal our that she got a better deal is a foolish comparison of the same sort that makes people hate football games that end in a tie just because there must be some"winner".

We both lost something in the process, but my wife didn't lose 90 percent of her earning potential. She didn't lose her home. She doesn't have to compete with anyone for time with her children. She doesn't have to go through the process of finding a sexually compatible partner, which would be no mean feat.

She did lose her completely unreserved trust in me, but I don't think she would have ever had that again after the fact.

We both feel that we gained a great deal by staying together rather than divorcing. No one really considered it to be a **** sandwich, on either side.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk
 
#95 ·
I can't really speak from personal experience since I chose to D my XWW (I definitely got the better deal on that vs her), but I have run into my XWW's former AP a couple of times who is doing a R with his wife and he looks like sh1t now. He's gotten fat, face has drastically aged, and he generally looks stressed and miserable. I don't think R always works out for the cheater. Knowing this guy and his wife I'd bet anything that he is in a sexless marriage with his W having his nuts totally locked up in a jar. Again, this is just an outsider's opinion but I'd sure hate to be in his shoes.
 
#97 ·
My hat is off to you for choosing divorce before pushing yourself into the senseless agony of reconciliation. When you cut your losses, learn from the experience, and move forward with your life you give yourself the best chance to heal. Guys often stay because they fear disrupting the family life they know and are comfortable in but that is often times a slow boat to hell.

So, I am sorry you had to deal with a cheating wife but very happy that you took the right road for you to move past it and feel so much happier now.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top