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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-02-2011, 04:04 PM   #16 (permalink)
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So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:05 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Her response should be, 'Sure, here you go.'
Anything else, I feel, is red flag territory.
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:06 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Ok, thanks a lot everyone for the info.
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:06 PM   #19 (permalink)
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So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.
In a marriage there are no secrets , privacy is for the bathroom secrecy is deceit . For the marriage to recover she has to give you full transparency of everything and should have no issue if you check on her.
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:14 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I would still go ahead and file for divorce because during the time you file and the time it becomes finalized, she will have the opportunity to move Heaven and Earth to get you to withdraw your divorce petition. If she doesn't, then you will know right away that all her talk about marital recovery is nothing but lip service and you will have not wasted time on a false recovery. Hardball? You're damn right but it is the only way to deal with a cheater.
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:18 PM   #21 (permalink)
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If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? She claims to have screwed this guy 4 times (Most cheaters never tell the full truth) putting your health at risk for STD's. It is absolutely essential that the both of you be checked for STD's. These are the consequences to affairs.

By the way where did she screw this guy 4 separate times? Did she ever bring him to your home?
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:41 PM   #22 (permalink)
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So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.
You should recognize that there is a problem with this scenario.

She had sex with another man, yet you are walking on eggshells wondering about what reaction she will have when you ask her for access to some of her personal communication tools.

What you are asking for, under the circumstances, is NOT unreasonable!
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:42 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Sorry to say that it doesn't look good, sounds like another false R story
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:45 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Not to scare you, but here's a worst case scenario

False Recovery
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:55 PM   #25 (permalink)
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So now even though 4 months have gone by I should now ask her for access to her facebook and phones? I'm sure her response will be something like, "Why do you need to see them now?" Because she has assured me there has been nothing going on since late June.
Honestly, she doesn't seem to have been willing to do much at all considering what she did rightfully should end her marriage in divorce.

See when she cheated she broke the marriage contract and your trust in her. It's ended, the marrage she was in ended as well.

Now it is up to her to do what is needed to get you to accept her back to build a new and different marriage.

First thing: she no longer has a right to be trusted. At ths point she has to re-earn your trust. Don't lie to her, don't sugar coat it,. You do not trust her, because she has shown through her actions and adult choices that she can and will break her promises to you. Trust means you can't believe she is not lying and she won't break her promises. She did both.

Second: you, the betrayed spouse have the right to check up on her and to question things that do not feel right to you.

Third: you,the betrayed spouse will bring up the affair, and ask any question you like at any time. You are not accepting limitations or restrictions. You are not negotiating to get the truth, you are demanding and accepting nothing less than the truth.


Now, I wouldn't believe her for a minute on anything she tells you about the OM. Find out fir yourself who he is, and if he is married or has a gf. Then contact the wife or gf.

Her answer of why,is a bull**** fluff non answer. Why did she think it was ok when she did it? Why does she think you shouldn't divorce her now?

Also, other than saying she feels guilty, what changes has she made? What consequences has she faced?
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Old 12-02-2011, 05:06 PM   #26 (permalink)
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You are NOT at fault in any way for her betrayal. No marriage is perfect, but there is no problem that justifies an affair. I am just over one year out from finding out that my husband of 11 years had an affair. It does get easier. But you will never forget, and there will always be things that remind you of it. I still struggle with the triggers (songs, tv shows, cheating policitians in the news, etc.). But time does ease the hurt. I still have a long ways to go, but I am well on the way to healing.

It is important that she is truly committed to working on the relationship, that you have healthy boundaries in place, and I believe counseling helps a lot.

Good luck. Hang in there, it WILL get easier. I know that you hear that a lot, and as a newbie I used to get tired of hearing it, but it is the truth.
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Old 12-02-2011, 05:10 PM   #27 (permalink)
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The only consequences has she faced are, I have asked her not go over the the girlfriends house that she originally went bar hopping with and so far she hasn't. The only other thing is whenever she goes any place by herself, like shopping for groceries , she checks in with me every 30 minutes by calling me. Other than that, nothing.
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Old 12-02-2011, 05:15 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Not to scare you, but here's a worst case scenario

False Recovery
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Man, that false recovery is bad news. If I find out that type of crap is going on I'm just going to walk away. life is way to short to spend it with a piece of **** like that.
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Old 12-02-2011, 05:17 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Install a keylogger on the home computer, hide VARs (voice activated recorders) inside the home and in her car; install a GPS in her car and telephone. The point is that you need to verify her whereabouts and what - and with who - she is communicating when you are not around. If she is truly being honest that she wants to help rebuild your trust, she will behave accordingly. If she is not, then you will have all the evidence needed to confront her and walk away from her and the marriage.
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Old 12-02-2011, 05:19 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Bill,

Drop a keylogger on the pc.

What kind of phones does she have? Google them and see about getting into them and deleted texts.

Put a gps tracker on her phone.

Demand that she stops going out with and back to the places and people that let her cheat.

Btw, I don't believe her story about it ending. She was able to have sex a lot of times before she stopped. That's not the action of someone who stopped due to guilt. A one time and then stopped is how a guilty person woud react,

I suspect it didn't end, instead she came clean with sonething to make you think it was done, but it is still going on,

Her refusal to gve you open access, and her protecting the OM means her affair is still her safe secret.
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