So upset...please help
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-02-2011, 02:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default So upset...please help

One month past D-Day, and I'm having an awful, awful day. My WW and I sat down to start working through excercises in the book his needs her needs. She admitted that she is finding it increasingly difficult to be affection towards me. I suspect that this is because she is depressed through withdrawal. She says she loves me but.....

Do they ever fall back in love. she says she wants to deperately and her head knows she should be here with me but my heart is broken....Do they ever heal and does it ever work out when your wife is in love with another man, even if she is doing everything we are advised. This seems to upset her as much as me!

Every day I seem to get hit with a sledgehammer. I thought we were making progress when she committed to no contact and started taking an active role in counselling and reading books etc, but I'm starting to wonder if she will ever stop loving the OM and start loving me?

I cry so hard and so often. I used to be a confident strong man. I just want to get off the rollercoaster and stop hurting so much

Last edited by HusbandInPain; 12-02-2011 at 02:52 PM.
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Old 12-02-2011, 02:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

For what it's worth, when my wife and I started on R she felt the same way. I asked her why she wasn't being affectionate towards me and she said that, really, it felt false.
I gently reminded her that the reason is due to the fact she never paid me attention or gave affection before - the exact same reason she used for her affair - and wasn't used to it.
She went quiet as the statement sank in.
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by HusbandInPain View Post
One month past D-Day, and I'm having an awful, awful day. My WW and I sat down to start working through excercises in the book his needs her needs. She admitted that she is finding it increasingly difficult to be affection towards me. I suspect that this is because she is depressed through withdrawal. She says she loves me but.....

Do they ever fall back in love. she says she wants to deperately and her head knows she should be here with me but my heart is broken....Do they ever heal and does it ever work out when your wife is in love with another man, even if she is doing everything we are advised. This seems to upset her as much as me!

Every day I seem to get hit with a sledgehammer. I thought we were making progress when she committed to no contact and started taking an active role in counselling and reading books etc, but I'm starting to wonder if she will ever stop loving the OM and start loving me?

I cry so hard and so often. I used to be a confident strong man. I just want to get off the rollercoaster and stop hurting so much

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I've been married for two years. Two short years.

You have been married 2 years and she's cheated already.

Does someone who loves you cheat?
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You have been married 2 years and she's cheated already.

Does someone who loves you cheat?
Certainly, happens all the time.

I'm more inclined to wonder why you'd be married to someone who isn't in love with you.
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

1. She is not in love with you.
2. She cheated on you and put your health at risk for STD's after only two years of marriage.
3. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?
4. She does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
5. You deserve better than this. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

Hey HusbandInPain I feel your pain- im only a week and and half from DDay of my H's EA and in essentially the same boat. He loves me but is not in "love" with me- we are spending time together every day, he is compiling with everything I have asked- but when i try to get affectionate or cuddle ( which is something our relationship was lacking before this) while he doesn't reject it, I feel like its not really being reciprocated. I ask him what he feels toward me in those moments and he says "friends". He says he trying and wants this to work but i am left with the same sentiments that you have will he ever love me?
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

Maybe she is too selfish and lacking in empathy to actually love you or anyone?

Any one who cheats do early in marriage is doing it purely selfishly, not due to built up relationship crap, there hasn't been time for it to build up yet. No, her cheating do soon was purely because she wanted to cheat.
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Old 12-02-2011, 05:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

Ugh....2 years into the marriage and she cheated? Plus she is in angst over Mr. Wonderful? Yuck. That's a lot to deal with.

Make sure you take care of yourself first. You shouldn't be the one doing the heavy lifting in saving this marriage.
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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just let them go..
you deserve better..
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

The OP is looking for help in reconciling, not the same old "get a divorce, get a divorce". He's having a hard time and doesn't need a bunch of people piling on like a bunch of bullies.

As to the question. It takes time and patience. If she used to love you she can do it again. Keep working at it.

Affairs are like other addictions. Its not easy to get over, but people do it all the time. It will get better but there will be good days and bad days.

The book you are using is supposed to be great. Work hard at it but stay calm and do not push. Most people don't get the opportunity to reconcile but 80% of the couples that divorce over infidelity regret not sticking with it and working it out.

Many, many people on these threads say their marriage ends up much better and stronger than ever before.
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

That sucks, man. Just hang in there until you say enough is enough. Please value your integrity and happiness too.
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

A month isn't that long. It not going to happen overnight. In the meantime however, go to an MD (both of you) and get some meds.
Other posters say the results are dramatic in helping them deal.
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

"I cry so hard and so often."

Your not letting her see this are you? This would be absolutely repulsive to a woman. Do not act needy or clingy. She needs to be certain that you know you can get along with out her even if you have to fake it.

Also, what are you doing to improve yourself. One of the best tension relievers is working out. I recommend weight lifting because free weights are relatively inexpensive, you can double your strength in no time they make you look more manly, and it gives you nice buzz. A buzz that makes me feel better into the next day. Its also something physical you can do with your wife that's a great way to bond.
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: So upset...please help

Consider teasing her with kisses and caresses that she may initially believe will lead to sex but will not because you will stop and leave her alone. The purpose is that she sees that you truly love her and that your physical expressions of love are not a prelude to sex. Hopefully she will allow herself to be comfortable and begin to enjoy them to the point where it will be she who will be the sexual aggressor. I can tell you that I practice this approach with my GF constantly and by the time evening comes, she is waiting for me naked and jumps me like a wild woman practically ripping my clothes off and begging me to enter her. What do you have to loose by trying this approach?
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