Another enlighting post from SI - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 27Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,158
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
I'm probably going to get blasted but... yes it was.

Let me explain. First, I would never have gotten my wife to marriage counseling if she hadn't learned of my affair. I had been asking her for years and she just refused. Marriage counseling helped us enormously and we would never had made progress on our own.

Second, I would have never gone to individual counseling otherwise. And what I earned in IC was that I needed to be more assertive regarding my wants, needs and opinions. By bottling up my frustrations I open myself up to bad behavior (drinking, affairs, etc...) instead of being able to talk to the person that really matters.

Did it hurt my wife? Yes. Would my wife been hurt if I walked away from the marriage? Absolutely.

I'm absolutely not recommending that an affair will fix problems but getting caught in one went a long way to fixing ours.
Your wife would be SO much better if you had walked away from the marriage because then she wouldn't be married to a cheater.

Again your post is the perfect example of what I am saying, it is all about what your affair did for you, you barely touch on what it did to her, in your mind she won because she got a better you. If you had true shame she wouldn't have to worry about her house or heirlooms or any of that. If it was me who cheated on my wife my shame would have made me promises her I wouldn't try to take them from her. From an impartial person maybe you won but she lost. Your two posts only prove this.

Thank you for being honest though Chris, your post is enlightening as well.

It can't be emphasized enough the person who stays with a cheater always gets the bad deal.


Last edited by sokillme; 11-17-2016 at 02:35 PM.
sokillme is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 02:45 PM
Member
 
Chris Taylor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,503
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Your wife would be SO much better if you had walked away from the marriage because then she wouldn't be married to a cheater.

Again your post is the perfect example of what I am saying, it is all about what your affair did for you, you barely touch on what it did to her, in your mind she won because she got a better you. If you had true shame she wouldn't have to worry about her house or heirlooms or any of that. If it was me who cheated on my wife my shame would have made me promises her I wouldn't try to take them from her. From an impartial person maybe you won but she lost. Your two posts only prove this.

Thank you for being honest though Chris, your post is enlightening as well.

It can't be emphasized enough the person who stays with a cheater always gets the bad deal.
I appreciate your point of view but it is NOT all about me. Read what I said... a divorce would have been a psychological disaster for her, not that the affair wasn't. But I have to look at the results... today... where we are and can honestly say we're better off as we are now than if we has split up. She would have never gone to marriage counseling, we would have never worked on our marriage.

And saying anyone "lost" when we went from a failing, miserable, hostile marriage to a renewed loving relationship is just ridiculous.
Chris Taylor is offline  
post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:03 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 11,706
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

@Chris Taylor, am I confusing you w/ someone else or were you -- either earlier this year or at some point last year -- looking into whether or not your wife was cheating?
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:24 PM
Member
 
Chris Taylor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,503
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
@Chris Taylor, am I confusing you w/ someone else or were you -- either earlier this year or at some point last year -- looking into whether or not your wife was cheating?
Posted via Mobile Device
Wasn't me.
Chris Taylor is offline  
post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 06:39 PM
Member
 
Clay2013's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 891
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by Apexmale View Post
Would sacrificing time until the kids are grown before filing for divorce right or wrong?

In my mind its wrong. Children need at least one happy healthy parent. It doesn't matter if they life with the children or not. Even a few days a week with a healthy person can change a child's outlook on life. The more they are around positive good people the better chances they will have in life.

C
Clay2013 is offline  
post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 02:32 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,021
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Darkness Falls is mentally ill and most likely BPD. Anyone who goes on there should take everything she says with a grain of salt. IMO, her husband is just as to blame for taking her back after what she did. He is more delusional than she is.

The only point of humor in that whole debacle is that DF's husband had a brief physical affair with her best friend after they separated the first time. She likes to throw that out there as some kind of mitigating factor and one more way to vilify and blame shift to her husband.

Yeah. She's a piece of work.
If she really has a husband.
Posted via Mobile Device

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 10:53 PM
Member
 
Apexmale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 247
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyOfTheLake View Post
I'm a WW and no, of course it's not worth it. I certainly did not gain what I was looking for in the end.


What is SI?
If we as people don't learn to control our own pursuit of pleasure, we get blind to the consequences.

Just ask a drug addict how the pursuit of pleasure turned out for them. Or ask an obese person with a fixation on foods who constantly struggles with thier weight how the pursuit of pleasure turned out. Or even ask a smoker battling cancer from its effects how the pursuit of pleasure turned out.

If only closed minds, came with closed mouths too.
Apexmale is offline  
post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 04:34 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,021
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Your wife would be SO much better if you had walked away from the marriage because then she wouldn't be married to a cheater.

Again your post is the perfect example of what I am saying, it is all about what your affair did for you, you barely touch on what it did to her, in your mind she won because she got a better you. If you had true shame she wouldn't have to worry about her house or heirlooms or any of that. If it was me who cheated on my wife my shame would have made me promises her I wouldn't try to take them from her. From an impartial person maybe you won but she lost. Your two posts only prove this.

Thank you for being honest though Chris, your post is enlightening as well.

It can't be emphasized enough the person who stays with a cheater always gets the bad deal.
But you aren't an impartial observer.

Your opinion seems to be that the only valid reaction to cheating is divorce and that no one should ever stay with a cheater.

And that is not an impartial view point.
Posted via Mobile Device

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 09:05 AM
Member
 
weightlifter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NE US
Posts: 4,125
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

>To quote my WW, "I regret hurting you, but I don't regret having the affair". She says it helped her find herself and revived parts of her psyche that she had shut down. <

Emptyinside

shakes head. While I couldnt stay on a PA, i understand some want to give a second chance...

But THAT being said should have made him leave her that minute.

The Mike Heck wedding speech puts the value of family in perfect perspective. Both me and my wife dont get to do things we want to. You sacrifice for them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_TyK-asbfY
weightlifter is offline  
post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 01:52 AM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 11,706
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
Wasn't me.
My mistake then. It must have been someone w/ a similar name.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 02:06 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,158
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
But you aren't an impartial observer.

Your opinion seems to be that the only valid reaction to cheating is divorce and that no one should ever stay with a cheater.

And that is not an impartial view point.
Posted via Mobile Device

Did I say I was impartial? Maybe I did, don't remember.
sokillme is offline  
post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 12:13 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 81
Re: Another enlighting post from SI

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
But you aren't an impartial observer.

Your opinion seems to be that the only valid reaction to cheating is divorce and that no one should ever stay with a cheater.

And that is not an impartial view point.
Posted via Mobile Device
It may not be impartial, but IMHO it is a healthy POV, and I say that as someone 9 years out in a R that is probably much better than most.

Sure, there are situations where a R is justified and preferable to the alternative, but I have come to realize that those are truly the exceptions and should not be considered as the rule. Although by all measurable accounts, our R would be defined as a success, I am still haunted by things I can never "un-know", along with nagging doubts about things I still don't know.

Some people either have much better coping skills than me or they are just much more skilled at self-deception, which I believe best describes most self-proclaimed successful R's.

I also come to this issue with the experience of being cheated on and D'ing and being cheated on and R'ing and I can truthfully report that "I" recovered quicker and healthier by taking the D route. OMMV, but IMHO, not by much.
MyRevelation is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Standard Evidence Post weightlifter Coping with Infidelity 259 01-13-2017 11:08 PM
First Post - Need help, *long Post* MrW General Relationship Discussion 92 10-12-2016 03:19 PM
May be the saddest post of December Dude007 Going Through Divorce or Separation 80 12-13-2015 07:57 PM
Post is long but I need advice...HELP! mwilliams Considering Divorce or Separation 6 12-08-2015 09:18 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome