No matter what happens, you can handle it! You will be happy and fulfilled again. You will have good relationships with high quality women. The specifics may be unknown at this time, but the future will be far better for you than the way things are now.
Zeke's been in a relationship , a long one, with a severely disordered woman. I was in one for almost 12 years before my XW's sister came to me and implored me to divorce and save myself.
What I am alluding to , the recovery from the relationship, is something that I have and am going through.
The abuse is insidious and one does not even notice how it changes one. By the end, you are unrecognizable to yourself and others.
Life is just tto short, ZAeke, to live that way. In about a year or two, you will look back at the things you put up with, that you accepted as normal, and be amazed.
In my first relationship post divorce, I was amazed at the lack of raging and abuse. I just kept expecting the abuse and it never came. Then, I knew what folks were talking about when they said they were at peace in their relationships. It was wonderful.
Ha. Actually funny story about this. I went into her closet a night or two after I found out after waking up at 2am in a complete nightmare and took all her clothes, I mean ALL her clothes and threw them into the front lawn while saying "I'm going to wash all your wh*re clothes in the front lawn so everyone will know what a wh*re you are." The kids were upstairs asleep so thank God they didn't see it. I then grabbed the liquid detergent and squirt an entire gallon all over all her clothes while saying the same thing over and over...
One of our neighbors called the police on me and when the cops got there and I told them what happen and what I was doing they started laughing their asses off.
This is so unlike me, I swear unless you've been through this you never know what you're capable of. I feel like such a fool for acting like I cared so much.
BTW. I did take all her NEW lingerie that she told she bought for me and even wore for me during the affair to "spice up our sex lives" and cut it up into pieces in front of her. It was very expensive (yes my credit card) stuff too.
So what was her reaction to this? PRICELESS to what you did, absolutely PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!
What happened Zeek, don't tell me you busted her again?
Is the blame shifting getting to you along with all the crap thats comes with thier fog/fantasyland?
What a perfect phrase.... BLAME SHIFTING. That must be the most exquisite term I've heard to describe what is happening to me on the planet.
Actually it comes and goes in waves, her behavior I mean. I wanted to test her yesterday, to find out if all that she was saying was bullsh*t. Her reaction is what finally made me decide to leave.
Right after the affair I was in a scatter-brained panic to hurt my W so I kicked off a message on Facebook to a old squeeze who has been chasing me down since her divorce 3 years ago. I've consistently told her we will only be friends and her messages were inappropriate considering I'm a married man with 5 children (because that's what f*cking married people do). But this particular night, the night right after I found out, I told her I needed to get my wife back for cheating and asked if she wanted meet at a hotel. She agreed but within 20 minutes I came to my senses and messaged her again to apologize for my behavior, that I was wrong to have messaged her and told her that was a terrible idea.
Either way the second message was a different message on Facebook and I purposely left the first message on my screen when I knew my wife would be sitting at my desk to watch Ghost Adventures Friday night.
After my W sat down I waited for about 2 minutes and she came storming in the room telling me it's f*cking over and she wants to sign the divorce papers. That I was a liar and that sex with the OM was so much better than we have ever had. How could I do that to her and a bunch of other similar comments. The comment I remember the most was, "Just because I had an affair doesn't mean you can."
Bingo. That's all I needed to hear. I of-course showed her the second message where I cancelled and said it was a bad idea. I also asked her why she shifted from perfect, sweet wifey to angry, hateful - "I can have an affair but how dare you even consider it!" wifey. She started telling me that I was deceptive and mean. Now THAT'S the woman I know.
It was all an act. Her reaction said enough. If she was truly sorry she would have felt horrible for what she had caused me to do and blamed herself. Or at least not said such hurtful things.
Yes it was a dirty trick but sh*t man, my life was riding on her acting job and I had to know if she was being authentic.
Althogh I am pretty sure I would divorce my W if this happened to me, then again I am not you. You have children to worry about and each situation is different. I just hope that you have come to this decision based on what you really want considering all factors, not because many posters here urge you to do so.
Here on this forum, you can get many helpful advices as to how to cope with infidelity, but when it comes to whether to D or R, it should be your personal decision. Do not jump to such decision just because everybody here says so.
Indeed. I have a 6 year college education and plenty of wisdom, I would never let a few comments steer my personal choices. It's just nice to be be reinforced for what I was already feeling. Validation can work for evil and for good, in this case it just lent an introspective view that I'm incapable of seeing for obvious reasons.
So what was her reaction to this? PRICELESS to what you did, absolutely PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!
Actually she tried to stop me physically once I brought out the detergent. I just pulled it away from her and continued on. I know, I just told this story to my barber today and he couldn't stop laughing.
I don't think she has one once of respect for you Zeek.
When the topic of a revenge affair was brought up by my wife, I was told that I could have a pass, but she didn't think it would be healthy for me as an individual or the marriage but she was willing to take me to one of her old sex clubs for a go at it. She wanted no part of any strange ...she had enough and that life style of lies and deciet and running around with OM was something she wanted to get passed.
She stated that she only wants me but understood if I felt like I need to get some strange to help heal. Interesting but getting strange would not help me heal. She then stated even I she would watch, I told her thats not why i confronted you so amnt dyas ago. I confronted you b/c both our behaviors were unhealthy and a real change was needed to take place as individuals and we can only hope that these change benift out marriage as a couple.
Any way my point was her intent was if I need to get some strange to heal then fine but it was my choice, and she would have dealt with it.
The bottom line is she was thinking about me, she had no desire to swap or swing or be with other man, she had enough and she wanted to make her own positive changes, as far as she was concerned it was about me healing.
For a minute I though she was seeing another man but nothing paned out. I truely believe she would have given me a pass if thats what it took or I wanted to.
I think if my WW acted like yours did I *would* had a revenge affair, Kind a like tell me not to do aomething then I'll do it anyway just for spite. IDK but I do know I though my WW responce was more healthier then "do as I say not as I do" you know what I mean?
Your chick is way off base and just doesnt get it. I doubt she ever will. My quess is that you will not regret the divorce and once you get this monkey off your back you will be better off for it.
In thinking about this as I do all day every day... I have come to realize that my wife is not smart enough to pull off manipulation on such a high level. In other words, I truly believe when she says something to me, she believes what she is saying is true. However because I've completely picked apart her personality disorder lately I know that she has no ability to react with a rational thought process. Her life is a sequence of short-sided actions based on her emotions at any given time.
I think she is truly miserable. She has bulimia, anorexia, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder... hmm.. I could probably find a few more if I wanted.
The thing is, I know from living with her for 15 years that she genuinely feels the way she acts in any moment.
Her problem is the complete disability to be introspective. I don't think she has the capacity to self-analyze herself in order to begin to change, even if she wanted to.
She just says when I attack her with the "why's" and "don't you care's" with "I'm not a bad person...".
She's just ill man. She stopped mentally developing during the onset of her panic disorder 2 years after we were married and just acts like a 23 year old girl.
That's why it's so damn hard to figure her out. After this long I could not tell you what the hell she is thinking at any given time... Because she couldn't tell you either.
Either way... Just found a great home that I'm going to look at tomorrow.
Her family is very, very wealthy and will take care of her. I can move on and find true love. To be honest this whole thing was designed by someone to release me from my self-stricken responsibilities.
I'm going to be free and after this hole in my heart heals, I will be a much stronger, much happier individual with so much more mental time to dedicate to my children.