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I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help!

72K views 216 replies 28 participants last post by  Chaparral 
#1 ·
Hello,
I am brand new to this forum. While I am familiar with forums in general (I admin one), I am very apprehensive about discussing my wife's infidelity issues in public. I don't want to come off as an idiot, and I really feel like one now after discovering what she did.

Anyway, here goes, I'm going to give it a shot as I really need some advice right now. I apologize in advance for rambling and for the length of this post. I'm just not thinking too clearly right now :confused:

I feel like I'm at the bottom of the ocean grasping for rocks. I have a severe back condition which keeps me in constant pain. However, that pain is Nothing compared to what I'm feeling now due to her cheating and continued lying. I have NEVER felt pain like this before.

So, here's the full story. I am 58 & my wife is 57. We have been married (happily, or so I thought) for 37 years. I must be honest and tell you that due to her going through menopause, and my back condition, we've not been intimate (except for 2 times) in the last 12 years. Previous to that, we were...how do I put this...pretty wild in our sex life.

In the early mourning of November 18th I was updating my wife's laptop with some security stuff while she was sleeping. She usually has her email account closed down when she goes to bed but for some reason, this time she had her Hotmail open. I just glanced for a moment at her inbox and was shocked at some of the subject headings I saw. I then began to open some of the emails & it was like an atom bomb went off in my head & chest. I immediately began to get a severe panic attack as I read the extremely graphic verbal give & take of the messages. In addition there were also very graphic photos and some videos. I guess I was gasping and probably crying so loud my wife woke up. She saw the look on my face and asked what was the matter. Like an idiot, I returned the laptop to her and went upstairs to try and compose myself. Again, I was suffering from a major panic attack which I thought might have been a heart attack at the time. After about 15 mins., I went back downstairs to confront her about what I had found. I saw the look on her face and immediately knew that she knew she had been exposed. I can't remember the whole conversation, but I guess I asked the usual questions, like "are you in love with him", "how long has it been going on", "Are You planning on leaving me for him" etc..etc.. The answers back as I remember were "No I don't love him", "Not that long", "no she wasn't planning on leaving" etc.. At that point the pain from the panic attack became so severe, I told her I couldn't handle it and that I had to get out to collect my thoughts.

I drove around for about an hour, getting more mad, hurt & upset as I went. I really can't even begin to explain the gamete of emotions going through me. After an hour of driving, I decided to go back home and pack a bag to leave. I just couldn't be in that house right then as even though I'm not a violent man, I didn't really know what I was capable of doing. Long story short, I drove about 100 miles out of town to a motel. Oh, yeah, I forgot, we were doing some texting via phone during my drive. I was telling her I couldn't be there right then and I didn't know how long I'd be gone. She was telling me how sorry she was and how she wished that it had never happened etc.. etc..

I stayed in the hotel for three days. It was the most miserable three days of my life. We were still texting and also doing some PM's on our forum site. On November 21st, I decided I was going to move to another location. She had text me in the mourning asking how I was. The conversation seemed to be a lot calmer & I thought to myself that maybe I could go home for a little while and we could talk things over. Again, long story short, I went home & we came to a somewhat understanding that we still loved each other and maybe we could work it out.

This is getting way too long so I'm going try to cut to the chase.

While I was still very hurt, we did come to an understanding and were actually talking things out. A BIG part of the understanding was that the affair was completely over. Also, that it was mostly cyber sex and they had only met one time. Again to try and shorten things up, I have since discovered via tracking software I placed on her computer that she has lied to me all through this supposed reconciliation. I now know that the affair lasted for almost three years, their were numerous meetings and that she was still contacting him. It has just been a series of lies and deception on a daily basis. Every time I think I finally know the whole story, something else comes up. She says it's an obsession and she can't control it. Also that she still loves me and does not want to end our marriage. I'm so confused, I just don't know where to turn, or what to do or say anymore.

Here's the real crux of the situation. While there is much more deceit and lying to this story, I still REALLY REALLY love my wife!!! I know that may sound weird at this point but it's the truth and I can't seem to let go. I would like to find a way to fight for her and resolve things. She has agreed to counseling but I have absolutely no faith and/or trust in what she says anymore.

Please, please could someone with experience in this weigh in and offer some advice as to what I should do!? Should I just give up and leave her. Should I stay and fight for her. Should I just ask for a temporary separation? I just don't know. All I do know is that I still love her & I'm not sure I could survive without her. I do believe her relationship with this guy is sexual only. She has a term for it that I can't put here but it goes "bad word_Buddies!???? I really need help. Any comments and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.
John :)
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Read the following :-

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Run the 180

Call your children and expose the affair to them

Call the OM's wife siblings and parents and expose to them

First thing Monday go to a lawyer , understand your rights and ask him to draw up seperation papers .

Move all monies to a secure account

When she steps out of the house , change the locks , cancel all her credit cards and lock her out of the accounts.

Your wife has been in a three year affair , they have made plans and I assure you she will carry on with the affair until you make it unpleasant .

A very clear message to you , your wife is no longer the woman who loves you , she really really really does NOT give a dam about you. Do not be a doormat , your marriage can only recover if you stand up to her adultery and fight it . Exposure is a key part of that plan, the 180 is a must and preparing yourself for life without her will give you strength to make decisions . You are waging a war for your marriage , no time to be nice . Keep records of her mail and communication secure , buy a VAR and hide it in her car.

You have a major advantage , waywardness follow a script , we have a collective experience of how to counter adultery , you however
must trust us .
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#3 ·
She has a term for it? Well you have convinced her that she dodged a bullet. How could you stay married to someone who would rather have sex with another man, while her husband's heart is being sent through a blender. Hey if you can stand being a cuckold. Sorry nothing to offer while she is still in the affair and you are considering staying when she won't stop. You could really, Really, REALLY love her. But it doesn't matter a hill of beans as long as she goes heals up under some guy. She doesn't love you. She loves your security.
 
#5 ·
Cheating and lying after getting caught the first time is even worse than cheating. You can never trust such a person again. You will have to worry about her every time you are not at home, every time she goes out. Living as such would be hell without any mental peace. To have any chance to your marriage working out, file the divorce. She will know how serious you are and it will prepare you for the life after if the marriage does not work out during the separation period.

For what it is worth, this might be not the first affair she had during the marriage.
 
#6 ·
It's a tough choice for your wife as it seems that she is getting her unmet needs from OM. If this is the case, frankly what can you do? She has this sexual needs you cannot meet. Or, can you?

Another reason she refuses to end the affair is that she knows that you will not leave her no matter what. This puts you in a very difficult position. I know you love her and keep this marriage, but think this way. If one finds himself/herself in an abusive relationship, he/she should be able to walk away, right? But, if the abused spouse refuse to walk away, what motivation is there for the perpetrator to stop the abuse?

What I am saying is that although you can try some minor moves to derail her affair, but with you not wanting to put your foot down to give her the ultimatum, she may never stop this affair. Her initiating this affair is 100% her fault, but her not stopping this affair after getting found out is just as much your fault as hers in a sense.

You will get more advices from other posters, but honestly I don't think anybody can give you a real workable strategy to end this affair, other than you needing to demand divorce if she doesn't end it.

Sorry for your sitch.
 
#7 ·
Diluting the advice we give you will not help you, you have to be firm resolute and draw on your inner strength. Make the affair common knowledge, affairs thrive in secrecy shining a light on the adulterers cause problems especialy when those who impact them most start talking.

Insist on her going for an STD test.
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#8 ·
So she has a highly sexually charged online affair and then meets him and they don't have sex?!


Uh...yeah right


This is trickle truth, get an std test


And add the fact she claims to have no control over her actions - that is blameshifting


You have no marriage while she continues her affair and you can't have R when she continues to lie and show no remorse (she shows guilt not remorse)
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#9 ·
I am 54 and my wife is 50 - married 28 years.

Last year she had a cyber affair that made me react like you. It tore me to bits.

She said it will never happen again.

Last week I confronted her while she was with someone and this affair has been going on for months..

As of right now there seems to have been no physical sex. They kissed once. Do I know for 100% No, but it does seem that they kissed once. I do believe that had I not called at the time I did on Tuesday that sex could have happened. My wife says that she thought it would have happened that night and was hoping the guy was willing. It did not get to the point as I confronted them.

Last year my wife lied about everything, and never fully came clean. My son told her that this time you better not lie about anything or dad will leave you. So far she has been fully cooperative.

I was prepared this year and it was not as big as shock as I had time get my head together.

It gets better down the road. Don't be hasty at trying to fix things. I was last year and have some regrets.

This year like last year I have told her everything is hanging on what she does to fix things.

Divorce or reconcile? I don't know. At the present I have prepared to divorce her but I willing to try R again.
 
#10 ·
TallJohn

Sex only twice in 12 years due to her bad back and menopause....sorry considering she has had a **** buddy for the last 3 years. Looks like she has been giving you the "sorry honey I have a head ache" while she healthy enough to spread them for someone else.

Tall, have to wonder if their wasn't someone else or more in the prior 9 or more years; my opinion your marital story of 37 years may include more people than you know about.

Take care of yourself, sleep, exercise, drink water (stay off the booze)...stay strong!
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#11 ·
Tall,

Your initial reaction was you gut telling you the right thing to do - to leave her. Your marriage has been over for years, you just didn't know it. She was staying around to keep the roof over her head, you taking care of things, and paying the bills.

If you go back her cheating probably started longer ago - say back at menopause when she suddenly "lost" her sex drive? It was in reality another man. She chose him for sex, and you for a roof over her head.

You discovered she was fully able to lie to you for years and years while living with you. When discovered she stayed true to her ways and continued to lie to your face.

It's not an obsession she has - IT IS A CHOICE SHE IS MAKING. She chooses to lie to you. She chooses to lie to you so she can contact him and have sex with him.

Is that the act of someone that has either respect or love for you?

Is someone who will lie like that, as person you want to waste any more of you life on? Serious 57 is a great age for living life. Why waste anytime with someone who obviously cares so little about you.

She obviously has a very healthy sex drive. Yet, for 12 years you've been told she has none.

You say you had a pretty wild sex life - I suspect all those years ago she met someone, and decided to stop being with you, but to keep living under the same roof.

Perhaps the OM is married?

So what to do now?

1. Find the OM.

He is very likely married, and that this why your wife has used you to provide a home.

2. Find the OMW and tell her about his cheating. She deserves to know. This will hurt the affair, but it also informs her about the truth and lets her make honest decisions.

3. See lawyer and get divorce papers drawn up. Even if you don't end up filing them, show your wife that you are very seriously looking at that option.

4. Have your wife take a polygraph test and answer questions about the past and present.

5. Decide after you know the truth from if you can still even be in the same room as her.

Frankly, her actions are so hurtful, and so awful - I don't see how anything but divorce
 
#12 ·
Hang in there and take things slow. It does feel like the world has come crashing down. She's like an addict who's been getting a fix right now, so there will be lies and setbacks. Drive down the street and think about the statistics. If there is infidelity in 50% of relationships, How many houses do you pass where couples have survived this? I write to say there is hope. It is not easy. There is no silver bullet. If your wife is committed and you are committed, you should not rush out and file for divorce. Read the books you see recommended on this site such as The Monogamy Myth. But remember you are doing that for yourself. You can be there for her, but you can't fix her. You can fix yourself. Expect all the symptoms of PTSD. It's just like you've been robbed and raped. But it gets better. There needs to be a "we" for there to be a new start. Was your wife disconnected because there was no "we"? None of the things you do or say or buy will make any difference until she can look at the marriage as "we" .
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#13 ·
Again to try and shorten things up, I have since discovered via tracking software I placed on her computer that she has lied to me all through this supposed reconciliation. I now know that the affair lasted for almost three years, their were numerous meetings and that she was still contacting him. It has just been a series of lies and deception on a daily basis. Every time I think I finally know the whole story, something else comes up. She says it's an obsession and she can't control it.
Ok, so you TALKED it out. You gave her no consequences. Basically, you swept this under the rug. Since she received no consquences for her actions, she did what all cheaters do in this situation: She took the affair underground. And it lasted a whole 3 years? This is a LONG TERM AFFAIR (LTA), the most damaging affair of them all. She has deep feelings for this OM, and will likely remain in her heart forever, whether you reconcile or not.

So what did she do with the precious gift of R? She stomped on it.

Also that she still loves me and does not want to end our marriage. I'm so confused, I just don't know where to turn, or what to do or say anymore.
Of course she doesn't want to end the marriage. She's a cake eater. She wants the security of marriage and the freedom to f#ck her OM. You've been living in an open marriage and not realizing it. There's no room for 3 in a marriage, unless you're into that sort of thing.

Here's the real crux of the situation. While there is much more deceit and lying to this story, I still REALLY REALLY love my wife!!! I know that may sound weird at this point but it's the truth and I can't seem to let go.
Over the years, you have become so co-dependent. You have to learn to start to detach. Follow the advice on the 180 now!

I would like to find a way to fight for her and resolve things.
You have it backwards. She betrayed the marriage, destroyed your trust in her, f#cked an OM behind your back for another 3 years, lied to your face. It is SHE who should be fighting for you, not the other way around! You cannot make her love you. She should be on her hands and knees begging you to take her back and make it work. If it's been the opposite, then you have major problems. She sees you as a doormat and has no respect for you. She knows that she can do whatever she pleases and all she has to do is wait out your anger. Then she will resume her affairs because she knows you will just sweep this under the rug as you have done in the past.

She has agreed to counseling but I have absolutely no faith and/or trust in what she says anymore.
Is that all she's agreed to? MC is useless until the affair is over and she is committed 100% to you and the marriage. Anything less is a waste of time. What has she done to be remorseful? What has she done to be transparent? Has she willingly done any of this?

If not, then you're in for more FALSE R. Personally, if it was my WW in a LTA like that, I would divorce her. She's now too damaged for R.
 
#14 ·
. She has agreed to counseling but I have absolutely no faith and/or trust in what she says anymore.
Counseling doesn't end affairs. It doesn't change a persons mind. All it does is teach couples how to talk to one another and work through conflict.

She is still in the affair 100%. Counseling won't stop this, or her choosing to lie to you.

Her goal isn't to end the affair. Her goal is to return to the time when you didn't know, and she could use you for a roof, while having her lover.

This is very different from what you want, which is for the lover to vanish and her to return being faithful and honest.

This is why counseling while the person is still deep in the affair doesn't work.

So save your money and time until the affair is truly dead and she no longer desires it.

All I do know is that I still love her & I'm not sure I could survive without her.
You absolutely can and will. You've already survived for years with only part of another human in your life. You will survive quite well after that remaining part is gone.

I do believe her relationship with this guy is sexual only.
Unfortunately it's not. It also a relationship that she has made a priority over yours. It's a relationship that - even when you discovered it and are feeling like you've lost your world - that she continues to turn to, indifferent to your hurt or feelings.

Sex cheating is about sex, but it's also about trust and respect. You wife doesn't respect you. She sees a man that she has been able to lie to for yes. In the her eyes that makes you a weak man.

Her lover is more important than her relationship with you. If it wasn't the guilt would have eaten away at her years ago.

Right now she has no remorse, only frustration that she got caught and might loose her nice home and the guy who took care of it for her.

And she continues to turn to him. Does that seem like it's only sex? Sex is something that takes are few minutes and your done. She's got a relationship with this guy, and she is continuing to turn to it even though it causes you deep pain.

Does that seem like only sex?
 
#15 ·
One more thing Tall, please don't think the advice you are reading here is just from some angry biter betrayed people, because it's not.

The advice your reading here is from people who've been through it, and from people who've seen many people's story just like yours.

The advice you're getting is also from people who have had the chance to look back, with emotions less raw, and to see where the truth lay, and where the lies led.
 
#16 ·
John,

I know it's painful and your ego (manhood) is hurt, but ask yourself why are you the one feeling all the pain. I honestly believe that your wife really does love you. Love making and intimacy is very important in a marriage/relationship. I know you have back trouble and yes menopause can bring on its on difficulties, but when you are not having the sex you must find a way to maintain your intimacy with each other. Otherwise you start feeling and acting like roommates and or relatives. Intimacy is the binding force that sustains the closeness when the sexual part is not available.

People are so quick to just give up and make decisions according to their hurt and pain. John I realize most people might not agree with me, but you did violate your wife trust and privacy when you viewed her personal email. What were you looking for? Did you already have some suspicions? Then you mention you checked the tracking software after you both agreed to stay together. John you have to choose to trust even after trust has been broken.

John I'm saying take responsibility for your part in this as well. I'm not saying what your wife did or is doing is right, but again have you tried to understand why she feels she has a need for these things? It may hurt you to understand, but if you truly love your wife and want to save your marriage and I feel like you honestly do then ask her to open up to you and be totally honest. Explain to her you are not trying to judge nor condemn her, but you are honestly trying to understand her needs so that you can give her what she needs again. * John when you talk to her provide a warm and passionate environment where she can feel secure to open up to you totally.

Let her know that you do not trust her anymore and what you found from the tracking software. Then apologize for spying on her. Let her know that was wrong of you and you will never do it again. Ask her if she feels that what she is getting from cyber man; she can get from you. While watching her videos in her personal email did you learn anything? Ask her if she would like the two of you to make your own video? Do you still kiss her with passion, do you hold her hand, do you read or write her love poems & thoughts. Do you make her feel beautiful and desired? John loving your wife is so much more than the 4 little letters.

As a woman I encourage you not to punish her by taking away things. That's trying to control her and make her do and act the way you want her to and then you have taken away her own identy. John ask God to allow you to see your wife as he does (pure love) when you ask be prepared to accept what will be shown. Dont try to change your wife. Change yourself ask God for his guidance and I belive you wife will fall back in love with the new man in Christ. Your wife will follow you as she see you follow Christ.

I'm believing in the possibilities of you!
 
#17 ·
Wow, that is some awful advice! :rofl:

So he is supposed to take away his one means of knowing that she is still in the affair and lying - AND - he is supposed to appologize for snooping and promise never to do it again?

Should he also buy her a new car and condo so she can meet her lover and have a nice ride to get over there?

This advice will only result in her running right back to her affair and it never ending. It will also turn the betrayed spouse into a passive rug sweeping doormat.


Wow.
 
#19 ·
Thanks for the advice and for posting back so soon. I can't say anything else right now I'm just crushed! I know you're probably (no absolutely) right. I just have to get my **** together. HOW COULD I BE SUCH AN *******!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if I can take this hurt, it's killing me. Thanks again, I'll be back, gotta take a drive and think things out!
 
#24 ·
Tall : hang in there , give yourself a bit of a breather then read our posts again . Create a plan along the lines we proposed . There is a book "surviving an affair" by Harley that will help you understand your position and help give input .
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#28 ·
You have a tough road ahead of you.

Do you know who the OM is ? is he married , has family children etc.

You need as much information on the OM , key is to make the affair unpleasant so you can focus on your choices with your wife. Read the 180 and start running it , move the monies , gather and secure your evidence . Do not tell your wife what you are doing .
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#29 ·
Get yourself a couple of VAR's , one for her car or a place where you think she is secure to make calls to the OM and one to carry with you especialy when talking to her. Waywards try all sorts of dishonest tricks and often make up claims of abuse , cover yourself.

I read you have a keylogger loaded , keep it there or upgrade it to a better one you want to know of all their communications and plans .
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#30 ·
Since the latest is a subsequent exposure your pain will lessen a little in due time as it did the first discovery.

As you should realize by now, your wife is not telling you the truth. Your better position to take is to assume everything she says is a lie till you have independent verification. This includes any of her attempt to minimize or reconciliation.

She's too long into her affair to really care about you. She currently has the fallback of another man. And if you really think about it, she does not need you.

Dont further confront her till you are prepared. That includes hiding and securing any assets you have so she cant touch them. Slowly remove her from any joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc.

Read about "letting her go" and the 180.

Note that the 180 is for you only and for your mental health and strength as you continue to encounter emotional and family turmoil.

Your wife is unethical, she's a cheater and a liar. Once you are able to see and truly comprehend that, you'll start detaching. Unless, of course, you like that type of a wife. But, from what you have written, I dont think so. So read the 2 links above, start preparing yourself and start detaching.
 
#31 ·
John my heart goes out to you because I also found out a video of my ex-wife engaging in sex with her OM (Other Man). The difference was that our sex life was full and she was a very loving wife towards me during the entire time she carried on with POSOM (Piece Of Sh!t Other Man). So you see, it doesn't matter how the sex life is at home, if the cheating wife/husband is a broken person, you could be the greatest lover in the world giving her/him multiple mind blowing orgasms, and they will still cheat.

Know that you are not alone and that you are not less of a man because of your wife's betrayal - actually she is less of a woman for it.

Lastly, if you want to prevent future comments from members like posibiltypusher View Post, go to the top of the page and click on 'User CP' under 'Control Panel' and 'Settings and Options', click on 'Ignore List' and put the name of the member you want to ignore and then click 'Okay'. It should then prevent that member from commenting to your thread or contacting you.
 
#32 ·
Quote From PosibilityPusher: Let her know that you do not trust her anymore and what you found from the tracking software. Then apologize for spying on her. Let her know that was wrong of you and you will never do it again......

WRONG, HORRIBLE ADVICE!!!!! You did no wrong in confirming your fears....you didn't violate her privacy - you exposed her lies. Don't disclose or give up your sources and your tools - if you do you lose you ability to "trust but verify". - if you expose your methods all that your WW has to do is, if she desires, is to go deeper and change her communication methods.

She is a proven lier, and a cheat, who thinks nothing of crushing your heart, if you want to reconcile, great I wish you luck but do so with your eyes and ears wide open and your heart protected -
and remember she has to do the lion share of the heavylifting and work in your relationship....

My first thought was that PosibilityPusher was you WW.....I am certain she is a WW or FWW!
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#33 ·
After gaslighting you in the aftermath of the first discovery, you can't in NO WAY take her word on ANYTHING anymore.

Oh... and its called "f@#$ buddies," and the younger generation uses this often to denote friends with benefits. By using this term, it seems your wife is in some kind of mid-life crisis, and is probably using these encounters to feel young again. At least that's how I'm seeing it.
 
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