MrK

I did read the whole thread. I just missed how you guys got to this honeymoon stage so quickly. What happened to her gaslighting you for 10 years? What happened to her making excuses for not wanting sex with you for 10 years? What happened to her showing ZERO remorse until it looked like her safety valve sprang a leak? What happened to definite divorce? And how is it all of these experts are giving you thumbs up when this is all playing right into the standard script?

No fear about what she will do once she realizes that there were no consequenses to making a mockery of your marriage for 10 years? Not wondering how she could treat you like s.h.i.t for 10 years then suddenly realize you were her true one and only? Not worries about the lies about lies for the past 3 years?

Sorry, I'm not one of your top 5 pals, but it looks like they are letting you down here. Might want to listen to some other voices for a while.

Again, I read the whole thread, but look at my time stamp on that last one. That's eastern US time. It was late and I was tired. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to pile on, just bring you back down to earth a little. If you don't want my advice, just pass over it.

Jonesey

i to wonder how fast the honeymoon came around.

DoormatNoMore53

You're NOT bringing me down shag. You're my voice of reason.

Oh Fu*k No! Will never happen I can assure you.

Ah, Fu*k No again! I've had way enough of that sh!t for a lifetime.

OK, Fu*k No #3! No more Mr, nice guy. Only Mr. my way or the highway guy for a least the next few years.

and understand. Hell, I don't even consider us in R yet and I'm not 100% convinced that that's what I want to do. She keeps telling me that she knows she has to convince me EVERY day that shes worthy of R. So, we shall see if she can keep it up. If she doesn't I've already told her where the door is. WW is well aware of how I feel on this, so if she slips, it's on her NOT me!

I am going to still enjoy HB for as long as it lasts though

Shaggy

Sounds like you've got your head on straight. Keep it there and you'll be fine.

DoormatNoMore53

It's not a honeymoon! It's HB or haven't you heard of that!? Geez, I never even said I was going to R yet and I'm still not sure. What is so wrong with taking a little back of what I lost the last ten years? WW has tested clean and so have I. I have never said one word about forgiveness, R or anything else remotely like it. Please see my other posts on this.

As for having 5 good friends, they are the same friends that have gotten me through this thing so far. And none of them has ever tried to jam something down my throat. They've also let me have it when I've done something stupid. So yes, I do value their input.

Hey, you're entitled to your opinions. Just like I'm entitled to make up my own mind in my own sweet time frame. I don't feel I should rush or hurry about making decisions that will last the rest of my life and effect my kids and grand kids.

BTW, No harm, No Foul. Go ahead and post away. You have every right to express your opinions.

MrK

No, I haven't actually. But if it means I can enjoy screwing my wife when I can barely stand to be in the same bed with her, enlighten me. Maybe I need it too.

I'll leave you alone now. Just be careful that you're giving your heart and sould back to someone that has proven in the past that she can chew them up and spit them out with no problem.

Good luck to you.

DailyGrind

WOW, Doormat....You don't have to agree with advice....but lashing out at someone for their advice? I have to say, I agree with MrK..to the extent that I'm sure it is fun right now..but be careful. That bonding works both ways. It may wind up skewing your ability to disengage should this turn sour again. Thought I'd throw my .02 in, at the risk of being flamed.

Beowulf

I can completely understand Door's wanting to do the horizontal mambo. I don't believe he ever lost his attraction to his W and after going without for that long I would be eager as well. As long as he can stay objective regarding the marriage I see no harm in it really. Heck, maybe his W will figure out what she is really losing if she screws up again!

DoormatNoMore53

FYI,

Hysterical Bonding

Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

From Surviving Infidelity - Why do I want to have sex with FWS?

Note: There are many other references to HB available. Here's an example search link - G Search Hysterical Bonding

DoormatNoMore53

No flames here Daily and thanks for your post. I was trying to make a point and yes, I probably went over board. Please read all my posts., but for the sake of expediency, here are the main points as they apply to this issue:

1. I am very aware that HB is temporary.
2. I in no way consider WW and I in R due to this.
3. I'm not even sure yet if I'm willing to R.
4. WW knows this as she has been told many times by me that she will be shown the door if she skips a beat.
5. I am just taking my time to evaluate this entire situation while staying level headed. I am in control now, so time is on my side for once, and it feels really good.
6. Yes I'm enjoying the sex. Wouldn't anyone after a long absence from it and two back-to-back surgeries that I'm now just fully recovering from?
7. This is NOT lovemaking. It's raw sex with someone I have a 37 year history with; in lieu of a stranger which I would then consider myself cheating.

Hope that explains things again.

DoormatNoMore53

Thanks for the understanding Beowulf. And yes, I am staying objective and level headed.

morituri

Door do you know the act of writing your last post can be therapeutic because it is a reminder to yourself of where you should be in this period of time? The marriage is on probation.

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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Almostrecovered

guys quit trying to c0ckblock him and let him enjoy it, poor guy was sexless for a decade!!

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HelloooNurse

Yeah, might as well get your use out of her before she's gone. I like the way you guys think.

MEM11363

DNM,
First off I agree you should stay the course and see what happens. Secondly HB is very real and has many behavioral "kissing cousins". The end of a long term marriage is like a type of death. Coming close to that and then avoiding it is like coming close to death and living. Tons of war stories about what civilians do after surviving a bombing raid - they fvck like crazy.

I have a post from last year where my W created an intense level of conflict to which I responded aggressively. Prior to that conflict we were at a frequency of a little over once a week. Right after we had many weeks of almost daily intense sex.

Your challenge is going to be defining a steady state that you feel good about and that is sustainable. So my gentle suggestion is for you to begin thinking about how you are going to help your wife transition from anxiety based lust to a sincere desire to please you. She will need your help in making that transition. You will need to be firm and low affect. You will also need to move away from "sudden death" penalty mode into a more graduated type of reaction to her behavior.

I think what you are doing is great. If you get to the point where you want some feedback on how to transit to a healthy steady state, let me know.



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