I'm so sorry for not updating in awhile. My only excuse is that things have been really crazy here and I just plain forgot. I'll try to do a better job of keeping everyone in the loop as I really do appreciate all the help.
So, here's an update on what's been happening up to now.....
Things right now are like a f*cking roller coaster ride...up, down, up, down. One day it's sort of OK, and the next it's total sh!t. A lot of this has to do with me. When I'm home and around WW so we can talk, I'm fine. However, as soon as I go out of the house and I'm alone, the mind movies and evil twins start beating me up to the point where I want to choke WW and OM's necks again. I've been working on exercises to help with this , and they're beginning to pay dividends to some extent.
HB is continuing and in fact, may be even a little more intense of late. And yes, I'm still doing this with a level head. I am still not letting WW get away with any back sliding. I immediately call her on it when it happens. BTW, it's happening less and less lately so maybe she's finally starting to get the fact that it's got to be an everyday thing, not just when she feels like it. I told her yesterday again that until I feel completely healed, we can not expect final R. Funny thing is that I still can't commit to us being in R, or if I really want to. S&D still rolls around in my head, mostly because it would be so much easier to run from this constant pain. I have to admit that sometimes I feel guilty about this and wonder if it's normal. MY IC says it is and so do the books I'm reading. I just think that at some point I'm going to need to make a decision. I'm NOT
pressuring myself on this though. I know I have time.
I'm not taking Lexapro anymore. While it helped with the panic attacks and seemed to raise my mood a little, I started to have really bad side affects from it. I could only sleep for 2 hours at a time and then I would wake up in a frenzy, almost like a paranoid state. It scared the sh!t out of me. I also would have ridiculously vivid nightmares almost every night. I know they were from the Lex because they stopped immediately after I stopped taking it. I was also getting concerned about the sexual side affects of Lex. I did a load of research on this and found out that Lex is famous for SSA's like permanent ED, inability to orgasm, and apathy. What really disturbed me was that these side affects happen in up to 70% of guys taking it, depending on what study you believe. That scared the sh!t out of me too! I lost 12 years of sex and I'm not getting any younger. FYI, for anyone else thinking about taking Lexapro, be forewarned and extremely careful.
I'm now on a brand new med called "Viibryd". It has none of the side effects of Lex and seems to be working really well. The one draw back to it is that it's super expensive ($200 for 30 day supply! grrrrrrr!). My doc gave me some samples and a coupon for a free 30 day supply which helped at first but man, $200 a month is tough to swallow (pardon the bad pun).
WW and I are going to MC together as well as IC individually. IC is working fine, but I have some doubts about our "C" in MC. I'll do another post on that as I have some questions for you all.
Last but not least, I've been reading a lot lately (love the library now - lol). Anyway, I just finished "Not Just Friends"
. Man, I love that book! For me, it really hits home on loads of issues. I gave it to WW and she's half way through it. We plan on talking about it after shes done.
Well, that's all for now. You're all up to date. I promise it won't be so long next time
As always, thanks for listening and your comments and advice are most welcome.