DoormatNoMore53

Just an update about New Years Eve

First and foremost, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!!

Last night WW and I had plans for an informal NYE with just the two of us. A few appies, a bottle of wine and a movie. Our plans quickly turned to sh!t though. Remember I've told some of you that WW owns and operates a cooking forum that I built for her. Well to make a long story short, she spent half the night cooking the appies, taking photos of them and posting on her site. I started to feel like a second fiddle again, so I confronted her on it and we had a little blow up at first, (I think this was the wine as we're not really drinkers).

Things settled down and we would up having a three hour discussion (mostly me at first) where I told her in low and controlled tones, and in no uncertain terms, that I refused to be the under-card anymore to anyone, or anything, and that included her website. I told her that if she couldn't put me first before everything else, that she should just be honest and tell me so I could move on. She let me talk without saying a word, and then apologized profusely. She admitted she was dead wrong and told me that she made another mistake that won't ever happen again. We shall see, but I have to tell you that the convo was an empowering experience. If you could have seen the look on her face, you would know what I'm talking about. All in all, New Years eve turned out to be pretty cool in the end.

BTW, Just so I don't get flamed - all the members on her cooking forum save 3 or 4 are women. The OM is NOT a member and I track her every movement on it. I have not asked her to give up the site because to be honest, it brings in a little income every month which we need at the moment.

I hope everyone has a great day today. I plan on doing nothing but watching football and chilling.

__________________
Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong — Truth is, that sometimes it’s letting go.

Shaggy

Good job confronting the back slide instead of internalizing it and getting resentful and over thinking what you should do.

This is exactly what I was warning you about - and it sounds like you handled it like a pro.

Calling her on it, but staying calm is what worked here.

morituri

Excellent! You kept your cool which showed her your emotional strength and your message was spot on.

It is so easy to go back to the same old habits that created the marital environment where the affair was born, unless the two of you are eternally vigilant, like you were last night. The old marriage is dead, good riddance.

Hopefully your wife will continue to show through her actions that she is worthy to be your life companion. Maybe even one day, you may wish to renew your vows.

Happy New Year DNM53! (Hopefully the ancient Mayans just happened to run out of rock )

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links

DoormatNoMore53

Hi Everyone!

I'm so sorry for not updating in awhile. My only excuse is that things have been really crazy here and I just plain forgot. I'll try to do a better job of keeping everyone in the loop as I really do appreciate all the help.

So, here's an update on what's been happening up to now.....

Things right now are like a f*cking roller coaster ride...up, down, up, down. One day it's sort of OK, and the next it's total sh!t. A lot of this has to do with me. When I'm home and around WW so we can talk, I'm fine. However, as soon as I go out of the house and I'm alone, the mind movies and evil twins start beating me up to the point where I want to choke WW and OM's necks again. I've been working on exercises to help with this , and they're beginning to pay dividends to some extent.

HB is continuing and in fact, may be even a little more intense of late. And yes, I'm still doing this with a level head. I am still not letting WW get away with any back sliding. I immediately call her on it when it happens. BTW, it's happening less and less lately so maybe she's finally starting to get the fact that it's got to be an everyday thing, not just when she feels like it. I told her yesterday again that until I feel completely healed, we can not expect final R. Funny thing is that I still can't commit to us being in R, or if I really want to. S&D still rolls around in my head, mostly because it would be so much easier to run from this constant pain. I have to admit that sometimes I feel guilty about this and wonder if it's normal. MY IC says it is and so do the books I'm reading. I just think that at some point I'm going to need to make a decision. I'm NOT pressuring myself on this though. I know I have time.

I'm not taking Lexapro anymore. While it helped with the panic attacks and seemed to raise my mood a little, I started to have really bad side affects from it. I could only sleep for 2 hours at a time and then I would wake up in a frenzy, almost like a paranoid state. It scared the sh!t out of me. I also would have ridiculously vivid nightmares almost every night. I know they were from the Lex because they stopped immediately after I stopped taking it. I was also getting concerned about the sexual side affects of Lex. I did a load of research on this and found out that Lex is famous for SSA's like permanent ED, inability to orgasm, and apathy. What really disturbed me was that these side affects happen in up to 70% of guys taking it, depending on what study you believe. That scared the sh!t out of me too! I lost 12 years of sex and I'm not getting any younger. FYI, for anyone else thinking about taking Lexapro, be forewarned and extremely careful.

I'm now on a brand new med called "Viibryd". It has none of the side effects of Lex and seems to be working really well. The one draw back to it is that it's super expensive ($200 for 30 day supply! grrrrrrr!). My doc gave me some samples and a coupon for a free 30 day supply which helped at first but man, $200 a month is tough to swallow (pardon the bad pun).

WW and I are going to MC together as well as IC individually. IC is working fine, but I have some doubts about our "C" in MC. I'll do another post on that as I have some questions for you all.

Last but not least, I've been reading a lot lately (love the library now - lol). Anyway, I just finished "Not Just Friends". Man, I love that book! For me, it really hits home on loads of issues. I gave it to WW and she's half way through it. We plan on talking about it after shes done.

Well, that's all for now. You're all up to date. I promise it won't be so long next time .

As always, thanks for listening and your comments and advice are most welcome.

~John

__________________
Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong — Truth is, that sometimes it’s letting go.

DoormatNoMore53

Hey everyone,

I have a couple of questions and need some advice regarding MC and specifically the "C". I have been reading a lot lately. In one book, there's a whole section on MC and making sure that the "C" is right for you and knows about both sides of infidelity, i.e., BS & WS and the issues they face. So here's my questions...

I was wondering how everybody else picked their MC?

• How did you know they were right for you?
• How long do I give it if I think there may be a problem?
• Did any of you have to switch "C"'s? If you did, what finally "clicked" that made you decide that you needed to switch?

Any help and advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance .

__________________
Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong — Truth is, that sometimes it’s letting go.

Shaggy

I think you shoud set a goal to get off the mood meds in a short while. They are ok to get past the big initial hurdle but long term they steel part of you if you know what I mean.

As for the need to make a decision, you already have done that: you decided to work with her to try and see if she can build a new relationship with you where you feel safe and happy. That's not explicit R, but more of what you might get from very very serious exclusive dating.
Posted via Mobile Device

chapparal

I googled how to find a marriage counselor and found this marriagebuilders page.

How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor

__________________
Isn't it all about fighting evil?
http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Li...d+man+sex+life
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Frien...+shirley+glass