posibiltypusher

John,

I know it's painful and your ego (manhood) is hurt, but ask yourself why are you the one feeling all the pain. I honestly believe that your wife really does love you. Love making and intimacy is very important in a marriage/relationship. I know you have back trouble and yes menopause can bring on its on difficulties, but when you are not having the sex you must find a way to maintain your intimacy with each other. Otherwise you start feeling and acting like roommates and or relatives. Intimacy is the binding force that sustains the closeness when the sexual part is not available.

People are so quick to just give up and make decisions according to their hurt and pain. John I realize most people might not agree with me, but you did violate your wife trust and privacy when you viewed her personal email. What were you looking for? Did you already have some suspicions? Then you mention you checked the tracking software after you both agreed to stay together. John you have to choose to trust even after trust has been broken.

John I'm saying take responsibility for your part in this as well. I'm not saying what your wife did or is doing is right, but again have you tried to understand why she feels she has a need for these things? It may hurt you to understand, but if you truly love your wife and want to save your marriage and I feel like you honestly do then ask her to open up to you and be totally honest. Explain to her you are not trying to judge nor condemn her, but you are honestly trying to understand her needs so that you can give her what she needs again. * John when you talk to her provide a warm and passionate environment where she can feel secure to open up to you totally.

Let her know that you do not trust her anymore and what you found from the tracking software. Then apologize for spying on her. Let her know that was wrong of you and you will never do it again. Ask her if she feels that what she is getting from cyber man; she can get from you. While watching her videos in her personal email did you learn anything? Ask her if she would like the two of you to make your own video? Do you still kiss her with passion, do you hold her hand, do you read or write her love poems & thoughts. Do you make her feel beautiful and desired? John loving your wife is so much more than the 4 little letters.

As a woman I encourage you not to punish her by taking away things. That's trying to control her and make her do and act the way you want her to and then you have taken away her own identy. John ask God to allow you to see your wife as he does (pure love) when you ask be prepared to accept what will be shown. Dont try to change your wife. Change yourself ask God for his guidance and I belive you wife will fall back in love with the new man in Christ. Your wife will follow you as she see you follow Christ.

I'm believing in the possibilities of you!

Shaggy

Wow, that is some awful advice!

So he is supposed to take away his one means of knowing that she is still in the affair and lying - AND - he is supposed to appologize for snooping and promise never to do it again?

Should he also buy her a new car and condo so she can meet her lover and have a nice ride to get over there?

This advice will only result in her running right back to her affair and it never ending. It will also turn the betrayed spouse into a passive rug sweeping doormat.


Wow.

lordmayhem

Either you are a cheater yourself, since you played the controlling card, or you have no freaking idea about infidelity. You say you're a woman, well I'll be the other women here in the forum have a lot to say about that.

What you preach is nothing but enabling behavior. He has every right to investigate and monitor his WW. It was she who broke the trust and destroyed the marriage. She should be the one fighting to save the marriage.

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

What you advise is rewarding her for her bad behavior. Sweeping it under the rug.

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

DoormatNoMore53

Thanks for the advice and for posting back so soon. I can't say anything else right now I'm just crushed! I know you're probably (no absolutely) right. I just have to get my **** together. HOW COULD I BE SUCH AN *******!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if I can take this hurt, it's killing me. Thanks again, I'll be back, gotta take a drive and think things out!

warlock07

One poster undid what all others posted *facepalm*

Shaggy

Tall, stay away from booze during this time.

Another thing: You don't leave the house - she does. if there ever is an R - she has to earn her way back in.

DoormatNoMore53

Are you freaking serious!? THIS WAS NOT MY FREAKING FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not want to lose a 7 Mill biz due to a back condition!!!! I did NOT have a three year affair!!!!! Yes I spied on her, but ONLY after she lied 15 times AFTER I found out about the damn thing!!!!! I AM NOT THE BAD GUY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've got a lot of nerve lady. Are you a cheater too!? Sounds like it to me. Good God, what the hell did I do wrong here!? You say you're trying to help me. You just made me feel 1000% worse!!!!!!!!! Thanks loads!

Eli-Zor

Keep control of yourself , go see a doctor for some help. What you are going through is what most BS go through. You are going to have to get control of yourself and don't run away from the problem, your wife will look at you as needy and desperate . She will see the OM as dangerious and attractive the opposite of you. The sooner you get a grip on yourself , run the 180 the sooner you can deal with this and work to a plan .
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Eli-Zor

Tall : hang in there , give yourself a bit of a breather then read our posts again . Create a plan along the lines we proposed . There is a book "surviving an affair" by Harley that will help you understand your position and help give input .
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Eli-Zor

Please step away from this thread .
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DoormatNoMore53

Thanks Eli-Zor! Finally a ray of hope. Your right I shouldn't run away. I wasn't gonna do that. Just take a drive cause I think better and it clears my head. NO freaking way an I EVER leaving again. If anyone leaves SHE is! But I'm just trying to keep a level head right now. Funny thing is, due to the disability, there really aren't manv assets, so I'm not worried about that. I've already called my lawyer who is a very close friend, just to get a head start on things if it goes that way. At least I know more now, I guess that's something. Just wish that other poster hadn't done what she did. I already have felt too long that I had some culpability in this.

Shaggy

Tall,

One of most effective things you can do is to find the OM, and bring some of the fun into his life.

don't confront him - ever - complete waste of time.

But do find his wife and tell her.

Eli-Zor

You have a tough road ahead of you.

Do you know who the OM is ? is he married , has family children etc.

You need as much information on the OM , key is to make the affair unpleasant so you can focus on your choices with your wife. Read the 180 and start running it , move the monies , gather and secure your evidence . Do not tell your wife what you are doing .
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Eli-Zor

Get yourself a couple of VAR's , one for her car or a place where you think she is secure to make calls to the OM and one to carry with you especialy when talking to her. Waywards try all sorts of dishonest tricks and often make up claims of abuse , cover yourself.

I read you have a keylogger loaded , keep it there or upgrade it to a better one you want to know of all their communications and plans .
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aug

Since the latest is a subsequent exposure your pain will lessen a little in due time as it did the first discovery.

As you should realize by now, your wife is not telling you the truth. Your better position to take is to assume everything she says is a lie till you have independent verification. This includes any of her attempt to minimize or reconciliation.

She's too long into her affair to really care about you. She currently has the fallback of another man. And if you really think about it, she does not need you.

Dont further confront her till you are prepared. That includes hiding and securing any assets you have so she cant touch them. Slowly remove her from any joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc.

Read about "letting her go" and the 180.

Note that the 180 is for you only and for your mental health and strength as you continue to encounter emotional and family turmoil.

Your wife is unethical, she's a cheater and a liar. Once you are able to see and truly comprehend that, you'll start detaching. Unless, of course, you like that type of a wife. But, from what you have written, I dont think so. So read the 2 links above, start preparing yourself and start detaching.