Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
John my heart goes out to you because I also found out a video of my ex-wife engaging in sex with her OM (Other Man). The difference was that our sex life was full and she was a very loving wife towards me during the entire time she carried on with POSOM (Piece Of Sh!t Other Man). So you see, it doesn't matter how the sex life is at home, if the cheating wife/husband is a broken person, you could be the greatest lover in the world giving her/him multiple mind blowing orgasms, and they will still cheat.
Know that you are not alone and that you are not less of a man because of your wife's betrayal - actually she is less of a woman for it.
Lastly, if you want to prevent future comments from members like posibiltypusher View Post, go to the top of the page and click on 'User CP' under 'Control Panel' and 'Settings and Options', click on 'Ignore List' and put the name of the member you want to ignore and then click 'Okay'. It should then prevent that member from commenting to your thread or contacting you.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Quote From PosibilityPusher: Let her know that you do not trust her anymore and what you found from the tracking software. Then apologize for spying on her. Let her know that was wrong of you and you will never do it again......
WRONG, HORRIBLE ADVICE!!!!! You did no wrong in confirming your fears....you didn't violate her privacy - you exposed her lies. Don't disclose or give up your sources and your tools - if you do you lose you ability to "trust but verify". - if you expose your methods all that your WW has to do is, if she desires, is to go deeper and change her communication methods.
She is a proven lier, and a cheat, who thinks nothing of crushing your heart, if you want to reconcile, great I wish you luck but do so with your eyes and ears wide open and your heart protected -
and remember she has to do the lion share of the heavylifting and work in your relationship....
My first thought was that PosibilityPusher was you WW.....I am certain she is a WW or FWW! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
After gaslighting you in the aftermath of the first discovery, you can't in NO WAY take her word on ANYTHING anymore.
Oh... and its called "f@#$ buddies," and the younger generation uses this often to denote friends with benefits. By using this term, it seems your wife is in some kind of mid-life crisis, and is probably using these encounters to feel young again. At least that's how I'm seeing it.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Hello again!
First and foremost, A BIG Thank You to the following: Shaggy, Eli-Zor and most of all morituri ! You have ALL opened my eyes and given me reason to hope (not for her, but for myself and my own well being). Again thank you!
I am sorry for the long delay in getting back to this thread. However, let me assure you that the delay was time well spent! I took my little drive (about an hour) only because I tend to think better for some reason in the car (always did. It comes from being an independent rep covering 7 states for over 20 years lol). I then came back and started to read all of the suggested links including the "180", "letting her go", "man up" etc... Took a loooong time to read, re-read, digest & print what I wanted to keep for reference while offline. I have to say that I'm so thankful for the information. I didn't believe, for whatever reason, that there were others in my situation. The "180" is a God Send and will be my Bible as I traverse this situation going forward.
I must say that I am in a much better place then when I first posted. While I'm still hurt and dealing with WW, I now know that I'm not the problem, but rather the victim. I have already begun to formulate a game plan on how I'm going to handle this. That game plan will NOW be about ME and MY future well being! I now realize that I can't (and don't want to) change or control what has happened, AND that it is NOT up to me to try and reconcile ANYTHING. Additionally, I now know and understand that the only way an R could EVER happen is if it is initiated & truthfully wanted by WW. Even then, it will be my decision to accept or reject it.
My plan now is to remain calm and implement my game plan which is to very slowly, & stealthily gather additional evidence, change personal info like bank accts & other assets & keep reading my new Bible (the 180). In addition, I have already gathered loads of info on the OM including phone #'s, addresses, AW's name and so forth. I now even have info on locations where the meetings took place. All of this info I will use VERY carefully and with calmness and by thinking intelligently. BTW, All of this is being stored in a safe secure location & WW knows nothing about it. I have over 20 years exp in running my own business, It's time I used that knowledge again to be smart in what I know now I must do. The only thing I'm going to move very quickly on is contacting the AW as I feel she deserves to know what a p.o.s. the OM is, also to KILL WW's affair once and for all. Even in doing this though I will remain calm, collective & most of all decisive.
While I'm now resolute in what I have to do, there are a few other things that I need advice on. Someone had mentioned using "a couple of VAR's". I don't want to sound like an idiot but what are these and how are they used?
Also, I think I mentioned that there were pics and vids involved in this. I am VERY concerned that there are faces in these. My biggest concern is that they wind up on the Internet. While that would be embarrassing for me, I am really concerned about my kids & grand kids one day finding them floating around online. I have contacted my lawyer friend and unfortunately he told me that I don't have much recourse because I'm not in them and WW was a willing participant. My question is, has anyone else had experience with this and could they give me any advice as to how to try and either recover the materials (I know I my be dreaming here), or at least scare the OM into thinking about posting them if he hasn't already?
OK, that's it for now. Sorry for the long post again. I promise future ones will be shorter & more concise.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
My advice is after 37 years of marriage and sex twice over 12 years; leave, completely cut her off, and wait. She is wrong for doing what she did and the lies come with the territory, I don't think it defines her entire character. Give her another chance, but do it on your terms.
Get away and think, and wait to see what happens. I left shortly after it happen to me. I was so sad to be alone and with out her but I have pushed through it and it has made me have so much more perspective.
Tell her you're leaving and will come back when the lies and affair are over, and she can prove it. Don't contact her again. If she loves you she will realize she can't have it both ways and come back to you. If she doesn't there's absolutely nothing you can do, I assure you.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Quote:
Originally Posted by TallJohn1953
While I'm now resolute in what I have to do, there are a few other things that I need advice on. Someone had mentioned using "a couple of VAR's". I don't want to sound like an idiot but what are these and how are they used?
A common place to put them is using industrial strength velcro under the driver's seat in the vehicle, master bathroom, bedroom, or where ever you think that your WW is chatting with the OM. Use rechargeable batteries when you can. Here are some examples. Of course you get what you pay for, and the more expensive models may be to your liking/preference.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Quote:
Originally Posted by TallJohn1953
I must say that I am in a much better place then when I first posted. While I'm still hurt and dealing with WW, I now know that I'm not the problem, but rather the victim. I have already begun to formulate a game plan on how I'm going to handle this. That game plan will NOW be about ME and MY future well being! I now realize that I can't (and don't want to) change or control what has happened, AND that it is NOT up to me to try and reconcile ANYTHING. Additionally, I now know and understand that the only way an R could EVER happen is if it is initiated & truthfully wanted by WW. Even then, it will be my decision to accept or reject
You are on the correct path with that mindset. I would suggest that you print out this paragraph of yours and read it as many times as needed, every day because it will keep you focused on what you need to do and will not allow your emotions to sabotage any efforts to move forward with your life.
It's great to see that you are doing much better and that you have read the 180 and will implement it. Remember, the 180 is not a manipulation tool to get your wife to stop her affair and commit to doing the hard work of marital R (Recovery), it is an emotional empowerment tool to help you to become stronger so that you will be able to move on with your life with or without your cheating wife.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TallJohn1953
Also, I think I mentioned that there were pics and vids involved in this. I am VERY concerned that there are faces in these. My biggest concern is that they wind up on the Internet. While that would be embarrassing for me, I am really concerned about my kids & grand kids one day finding them floating around online. I have contacted my lawyer friend and unfortunately he told me that I don't have much recourse because I'm not in them and WW was a willing participant. My question is, has anyone else had experience with this and could they give me any advice as to how to try and either recover the materials (I know I my be dreaming here), or at least scare the OM into thinking about posting them if he hasn't already?
There's no doubt that you are a good man for even in the face of the worst pain a human being could possibly endure, your concern is towards others, your kids and grandkids.
I understand your concern for your children and grandchildren but please, it is a job that your WW (DW - Disloyal Wife) and the OM are solely responsible for since they were the ones who posted it in the first place. If there is any fallout, both of them will have to pay the consequences which may include permanent banishment by their family members - which would serve them right for acting like a pair of third rate porn actors.
Lastly, I am 53 years old - also a grandfather - and I'm involved in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman. I tell you this because I don't want you to fall into the false belief that just because you are 58 that it is impossible for you become involved in a committed relationship. If you strive to become the best man you can possibly be, there will be plenty of good and kind women out there dying to be your loving and faithful companion. Read and implement the principles in books such as 'No More Mr Nice Guy' - click on the link below my tag line to download and print a free copy of this ebook - which will help you to achieve this goal.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Thanks for coming back, sometimes the BS is in denial and does not take steps to protect themselves . As far as the pics,I suspect these will be on their phones or computers or within their mail account.
Once you and the OW 's wife are in contact you will together be able to keep track on both sides . A flag for you, often the spouse of the other wayward does not want to believe the affair , share some evidence not all and do not disclose where or how you obtained it. If she is not proactive in dealing with the OM expose this to his adult children , friends , siblings etc . Assuming she is proactive then she should deal with him without your further involvement other than sharing intel.
Try hit the exposure on the OM and your side at the same time , technique is to cause them to flounder without support of family and friends , in your wife's case be prepared for her to walk out , if so have her card details handy to cancel and empty the account. The OM's wife should be aware her husband may walk out as well and would be paying for your wife if she does not do a similar financial lockdown.
Look at your options carefully and decide how hard you want to be on the day you force the issue to a head , remember waywards are professional at lying and deception. Your wife has been in a lengthily affair so it is very likely they have discussed the possibility of a D day (confrontation day ) and will have a semblance of a plan including the possibility of having monies hidden in other accounts. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Tall,
How can you take her back at this point?
There's 12 years where she cut you off, but clearly is a sexual person.
There's video of her willingly with the OM.
There's years of her lies and deceit.
Are you trying to save things because you think that once exposed she will return to being the wife you thought you have had for the last 12 years?
Realize that wife was a lie and didn't exist. All you had was part of woman, and that part clearly thought of you with contempt and no-respect, and no love.
Are you trying to R because you fear being alone? You've already been mostly alone for the last 12 years, because you haven't had a real partner there loving you for that time. You've had a roommate who you shared a house with.
You're still young enough that if you get her out, you'll find there a lots of great women available who will love you, and actually be with you - not just sharing a house.
I'm glad you're prepared to nuke the OM's happy life, after this long he deserves every bit of "love" you can share with him.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZeekZealand
My advice is after 37 years of marriage and sex twice over 12 years; leave, completely cut her off, and wait. She is wrong for doing what she did and the lies come with the territory, I don't think it defines her entire character. Give her another chance, but do it on your terms.
Get away and think, and wait to see what happens. I left shortly after it happen to me. I was so sad to be alone and with out her but I have pushed through it and it has made me have so much more perspective.
Tell her you're leaving and will come back when the lies and affair are over, and she can prove it. Don't contact her again. If she loves you she will realize she can't have it both ways and come back to you. If she doesn't there's absolutely nothing you can do, I assure you.
Thanks for the post but sorry I have to disagree with you, (today that is - yesterday, I may have agreed). I will NOT ever leave again! If anyone leaves it will be her. Yes we share (shared) our home. But she lost the right to stay in it when she decided to cheat & lie for three years, especially while I was recovering from back-to-back surgeries. No, I will never leave again - This is MY HOUSE!
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy
Tall,
How can you take her back at this point?
There's 12 years where she cut you off, but clearly is a sexual person.
There's video of her willingly with the OM.
There's years of her lies and deceit.
Are you trying to save things because you think that once exposed she will return to being the wife you thought you have had for the last 12 years?
Realize that wife was a lie and didn't exist. All you had was part of woman, and that part clearly thought of you with contempt and no-respect, and no love.
Are you trying to R because you fear being alone? You've already been mostly alone for the last 12 years, because you haven't had a real partner there loving you for that time. You've had a roommate who you shared a house with.
You're still young enough that if you get her out, you'll find there a lots of great women available who will love you, and actually be with you - not just sharing a house.
I'm glad you're prepared to nuke the OM's happy life, after this long he deserves every bit of "love" you can share with him.
Shaggy,
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you read my post wrong. (BTW, Doesn't surprise me as it was so long a rambling lol) I never said that I would R. I did say that if there was ever a chance to R, it would have to be initiated by WW and I would decide to agree or not. At this point I'm not even considering that. I'm trying to follow the 180 and be calm & intelligent about setting things up without tipping her off.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help
morituri,
Once again your advice is straight to the point and right on the head. You are my voice of reason & I am very thankful for you & for that. Consider this a virtual high five. Maybe someday I will be able to give you a real one
Eli-Zor
Thank you for the great advice. I've already set some of this in motion. I sent the OM an email detailing "Only Some" of my knowledge of the affair, (I don't want to over play my hand and give away too much at this point). But I got my point across. I also demanded the offensive material be returned, really knowing he wouldn't and it would scare him into deleting it all. Well, with-in 20 mins of my email to him, he not only responded back to me saying that he HAD deleted all the content, along with the account and a copy of a message from his ISP detailing to him that the content would be shred deleted with-in 48 hrs. Now here come the great part. He sent an email to WW with a time stamp 2 mins after the one he sent to me stating the following:
"I know you are under a great deal of stress. So am I and neither of us can say that it isn't our fault. It's time to repair burned bridges at home and get on with our lives. **** needs you and **** needs me. She is working extremely hard on her recovery and I need to be there for her, my daughter, the rest of my family, and friends so this is goodbye. We supported one another when we really needed it but it's time to move on. Thanks for sticking by me through all the pain I suffered because of addiction. I'll never forget it."
He was obviously scared sh!tless & is trying to cut his losses. Little does he know what a rude awakening he's in for in the very near future!
BTW, This line really gets me: "and neither of us can say that it isn't our fault" What a P.O.S. this guy is!
As for coming back, you're stuck with me dude I've found a home at talkaboutmarriage.com. Seriously, after I get through this, I hope to be a seasoned vet and maybe help others out a little going through it. Pay back if you will. Thanks again.
Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help 
Seriously, after I get through this, I hope to be a seasoned vet and maybe help others out a little going through it. Pay back if you will. Thanks again.
