Eli-Zor

Take the break and rest your mind, we are not going anywhere.
Posted via Mobile Device

aug

You're right. You do need time. I should have taken my own advice to you about taking your time to mull it over.

sadcalifornian

Sometimes, posters try to influence to either D or R, implying as if you don't follow their advised course of action, you are being pathetic or not a man enough. Don't be swayed by those posts. The ultimate decision is yours. You are right that this is your life and your marriage.

Take time and think things thru.

DoormatNoMore53

Hello Everyone! I’m baaaaack! .

Just wanted to give you an update of what’s been happening over the last few days. First though, I want to apologize again for snapping on Friday in my last post. My only excuse is that I was on complete overload.

Also, as you can see I’ve changed my handle to DoormatNoMore53. I did this because WW has been searching for relationship and infidelity stuff and actually viewed a thread on this forum. My other handle would have exposed me in a heartbeat.

Anyway, what a fast paced and mind blowing last few days I’ve had. Please try and bear with me as some of this stuff is going to really sound off the wall to you. I can’t believe a lot of it myself, and it’s happening to ME!

Saturday & Sunday were just wind down and chill days for me which I really needed. I got the script for Lexapro and although I don’t feel any different yet (which I fully didn't expect so soon), it does seem to have slowed down the panic attacks a bit. In fact, I’ve only had one real bad episode Sunday eve. I’ve already met with my personal therapist twice and really like him. He seems to have a good handle on PTSD and infidelity issues; in fact he handled my brothers Vietnam PTSD issues in 1993. We’re currently working on a form of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

That’s only a small part of the story though. WW has been constantly texting me. I told her I needed a short break on Sat. eve & to get back to me on Monday.

I’m going to try and break this up into separate posts, so they’re not as long. However, there’s a lot to tell you so bear with me...Much more to come below...

DoormatNoMore53

Hello Everyone! I’m baaaaack! Cont….#2

So early yesterday, I get this email from WW which I have to share because it totally blew my mind, as it is the first time she’s taken any real responsibility directly & only to me. BTW, this was totally unsolicited. Also, be advised, it’s rather long.

Monday 12-12-11 7:38am
“I woke up early this morning with you on my mind and the thoughts of how guilty and ashamed I am for hurting you so bad. First off I want to tell you again how very sorry I am and how I wish I could take it all back. I know the hurt, betrayal and lies have to dig so deep it's worse than a stab in the heart. I know what I'm feeling for what I've done to you is nothing compared to that. Again, I don't pretend to know what you're going through but I'm sure it's a living hell and I'm so honestly sorry for that. I've been beating myself up on why I did what I did. The most honest answer I can give you is I was SELFISH. It had nothing to do with you, it was all about me. I gave no thought to you or the kids and what the consequences would be. I thought of no one but myself. What an eye-opener that was for me to admit it to myself. I apologize for that with all my heart and can only hope that one day you’ll forgive me.

I know you can’t believe this right now but I do care for you deeply, and love and want you. I don't want you worrying about me on top of everything else. It won't help either of us. And no, I don’t want us to be apart. Not because I just want security but because I need to own up to what I did and look in your eyes every day and see the pain I've caused and try to repair it. The shame, guilt and physical problems I’m feeling and having are totally my problem not yours! I did this to you and have no one else to blame but myself for any problems I’m and you are now having. I don’t want any of this to be about me, just about what I did and how I can help you feel better some day by showing you that I get it. I will however try to start taking better care of myself if only for your sake so you can stop worrying. I want there to be an “US” again and for both of us to be healthy if that's possible. BTW…I have made an appointment to get tested. I will let you know when and where if you want to be there. Either way I will give you the original written results from their office as soon as I have them.

FYI....I have been searching for and looking at marriage help forums. I’ve been reading alot and getting alot of information that makes so much sense to me now and helps me to see the damage I've done to you and our marriage. I’ve printed out mounds of helpful stuff that I read and re-read constantly. I need to stay focused on you and what I need to do in order to repair the awful damage I’ve done to you. At present I don’t deserve any more than the opportunity to try and do that if you’ll let me.

There's no need for you to be ashamed or apologize for how you're feeling…panic attacks etc... They're your feelings! My job now is to try and understand them and help you recover from them if I can and if you’ll let me. If I were in your shoes I would absolutely feel the same way. I would want you to feel the exact same pain I would be feeling. I know you'll probably never be able to forgive me for what I've done and that's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life and I deserve it. I want you to know that I am fully committed to trying recovery and to our relationship if you see fit to continue it. I promise that if you choose to let me I will do whatever I have to do to help repair it. I know it will never be the same but I hope we can eventually start a new foundation once we talk to **** and build on that. I also promise that I will cherish and be thankful everyday that you're letting me try to help make this work....again if you choose to.”

I read this and texted her that I did receive it and to give me some time to re-read it and think about it.....

Even more below....

DoormatNoMore53

Hello Everyone! I’m baaaaack! Cont….#3


On Monday afternoon, I then received this email from WW:

Monday 12-12-11 2:07pm
“I know that you’re reading and thinking about my earlier email and I don’t want you to feel pressured about responding to it, but I’ve been sitting here thinking again and I wanted to ask you something. I know that I don’t deserve any consideration in asking for favors after what I’ve done but if you could find it in your heart to please hear me out I would be grateful.

I wondered if you would consider meeting me for coffee or lunch some time this week… my treat. I truly meant every word in my other email and I would like the opportunity to express what I said while we’re face to face. I’d like for you to see my eyes and expressions while I talk and maybe you will be able to believe more of it. You won’t have to say anything just listen to and watch me. I know you’re still very hurt and mad and this is asking alot when I have no right to ask anything of you. If you could just give me a chance to talk in person it would mean alot to me. Thanks for reading this”

Again, I texted her and said I read the 2nd email and would think about it.

I had an evening session yesterday with my therapist and I brought copies of the two emails to show him. He read them and like any good therapist would do, he asked me how I felt about them. I told him I was even more confused but even so, I was leaning towards accepting her offer because it had me intrigued. I also told him that I was extremely suspicious and wondered what she had up her sleeve. He then asked me if I was still tracking her computer and phone. I said yes, and he suggested that I verify her statement that she was searching for, & visiting marriage help forums and infidelity sites. He also said that if I could, to try and visit those sites and see if she had copied anything from them in her emails. I immediately knew then what he was driving at. He wanted me to know if what she had written was in her own words, or just copied from someone else’s. I told him I thought it was a great idea. He then gave me his cell # and told me to call him later that night if I discovered anything.

I immediately went to my tracking software when I got home. I hadn’t been looking at it for several days while I was taking a break from all this. What I found was exactly what she told me. Loads of Google searches for “marriage help forum”, “relationship forum”, “advice for cheating wives” etc… I started to visit the sites she went to and compare what I saw to what she had written. Bottom line…I found no evidence of any plagiarism. I called my therapist and told him what I had found. He asked me what I thought. I told him I was going to consider contacting WW and setting up the meet.

OK, so these last three posts are already way too long. Sorry about that

Now it’s your turn. Advice, Comments, Flames…whatever please. Let me hear it? Do you think WW could finally be getting it, or running another game on me? Do you think this could be real or just smoke? If real, do you think there may be a chance for R (if I want to)? Do you think I should agree to meet with WW? If so, I’m thinking of having the meet at my house, (I feel more comfortable there. My son will be at work and besides, it’s kinda hard to not talk & stare someone down in public without looking like an idiot.) So what do you think?

Shaggy

Eventually you will have to meet her, but do not be rushed to do it before you are ready.

I think you need a couple of days to recharge your emotions so take them, and do not meet or chat until late in the week at the earliest.

If sh is reading forums she is likely looking for the list of things to do to make you feel better and not hate her so much. He goal seems to be to R which means convincing you she is sorry and then negotiating what she needs to do for you to let he return to her home. Notice I didn't say anything about helping you. Anyone who has been so selfish and deceitful for so long isn't going to change their personality over night.

She may believe she was selfish, or she maybe saying that because he has read in the forums that cheaters are selfish. Don't know, you'll have to see her and observe her to tell if she really has had an awakening.

Before you meet with her you need to think through the list of actions and consequences you have for her. Any R here will require a major reconstruction of your marriage and the rules in it. Her personal freedom and her secrecy is gone out the window for one.

You said she came clean, and she says the why is because she was selfish. This isnt the end of that discussion.

How dd she meet the people she cheated with? Was there more than one?

What was she getting from him? What was she willing to give to him? Why did she keep going back?

what about the OM and consequences to him?

What about the no contact letter from her to him,

What is going to prevent it ever again? Do not accept her " I know I made a mistake now so itcouod never happen again " crap. She knew it was wrong and the death of the marriage the first time, yet she chose to do it, and hid it, and kept it going.

Let her stew a little. Her offer to meet gives you something constructive to do so it's likely temping to take it and start moving so that you feel you are doing something, but to do it before you recharge you, will mean its a wasted opportunity.

So bottom line, take time and do it at your pace. She took what 3 years out of your life for her cheating. You can take a week, two, a month out of hers while you think.
Posted via Mobile Device

Shaggy

One more thing, do you know it's really really over? That there will never be any contact. Can you monitor where she is and who she's contacting?

You can also move over to the private section if you are worried she might find this forum,
Posted via Mobile Device

Almostrecovered

she can talk the talk now, but can she walk the walk?

I'm with shaggy, while it is a good sign she is reading and learning what it takes to R as a wayward, at the same time it will take a lot to change her ways

so, you've done the right thing, you aren't rushing to be in her arms again. Take your time in deciding what you want and if it's worth the emotional investment and time to try to R. It's a good chunk of time of your life to attempt something like that.

Besides, making her squirm a little while you decide is a good thing for her to go through.

__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story

DoormatNoMore53

Thanks Shag,

Yes I do know it's over. I watched her send the NC letter and she has received a reply back from the OM stating that he agreed and that this will be the last time we ever talk. I still have the tracking software on her computer, also on her smart phone. There is more but for L reasons I don't want to divulge anything else. I am very confident though that she has not had any contact with the OM since NC conformation.

Where is the private section? Will you, and the others be over there? Will my thread be moved there?

Thanks.

Shaggy

Go back to main menu and look in the Private Members link.

I think you need to start a new thread, ask the admins maybe.
Posted via Mobile Device

morituri

Welcome back John.

No flames from me and I'm glad that you're back sounding stronger.

I just want to touch on a few things for you to give some consideration.

Your DW sounds remorseful enough but my concern is whether the two of you can handle the arduous task of marital recovery IF you chose that path. There is the natural tendency for the cheating spouse to want things to go back to the way they were before D-day quickly enough and feel hopeless when their betrayed spouse experiences the bottom drops of the emotional roller coaster and lashes out at them. A betrayed spouse's emotional recovery can take up to 5 years. Can the 2 of you stomach this?

Now due to your back conditions that have required surgeries, the two of you have only been sexually intimate only twice in twelve years. She in turn has had a vigorous sex life on the side for 3 years. Can this be resolved to both of your satisfaction?

Whatever the two of you decide on doing, do it with both eyes wide open without any rose colored glasses on.

__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links

Almostrecovered

just PM a mod like amplexor and ask to move this thread into the private section

__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story

Shaggy

If you do R, what about the sex part? She clearly values it. He worked hard for years to have it with this OM. Are you able to meet that need of hers?
Posted via Mobile Device

DoormatNoMore53

again.

That's why I'm intrigued about face to face meeting.

I've already started to make a list. Also, have already told her to expect anywhere from 18 months to five years, IF we R.

Oh, hell no. It's not even the beginning of the end. It just may be the end of the beginning though

Met OM on a cooking forum site. My PI has told me that he can find no other info on additional affairs. While I'm still skeptical, I guess OM was the only time.

Yet to be determined, but all very valid points I'm adding to my list.

Oh Sh!t, I forgot to include that. I've made contact with the OMW. I now have a working relationship with her on her end to monitor the situation. I even gave her the info on what T software I'm using. BTW, she is an alcoholic. Says it's because of him which I tend to believe (freakin SOB) Unfortunately, because of her addiction, I just don't know how reliable she'll be. I have got some pretty good stuff from her, although nothing I didn't know already.

Sent and confirmed with me present to see it and printed out for records.

First thing to work on IF we R. Plus, tracking will remain until I'm satisfied. Also, total disclosure of all accounts, passwords, daily whereabouts etc...etc...

But do you think I should also run this past my therapist? I really do respect his opinion. Just asking?