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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-13-2011, 08:39 AM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

I also suggest that if you do meet her that you merely ask for the entire truth from her only and that you will listen, ask some questions and then get back to her after you've processed everything. State that if you were to consider R that you must hear everything now and if anything else is discovered down the line then it is completely over, so she better come clean on everything
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Old 12-13-2011, 08:47 AM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

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Welcome back John.

No flames from me and I'm glad that you're back sounding stronger.
Thanks, good to be back! BTW, not that anyone is, but no need to baby me, I just had a bad day Friday.

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A betrayed spouse's emotional recovery can take up to 5 years. Can the 2 of you stomach this?
Don't know for sure, don't think anyone does, but I can promise that I will not agree to R if I don't REALLY believe WW understands this!

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Now due to your back conditions that have required surgeries, the two of you have only been sexually intimate only twice in twelve years. She in turn has had a vigorous sex life on the side for 3 years. Can this be resolved to both of your satisfaction?
Can't be positive on this one either. I can tell you that I'm feeling the best I have since my condition started back in 1995. Guess we'll cross that bridge when & IF we come to it, i.e., IF we R. BTW, I won't even consider it until I have the STD test results in my hands!

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Whatever the two of you decide on doing, do it with both eyes wide open without any rose colored glasses on.
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Old 12-13-2011, 08:57 AM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

Thanks AR,

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she can talk the talk now, but can she walk the walk?
Don't know but I may be about to find out

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so, you've done the right thing, you aren't rushing to be in her arms again. Take your time in deciding what you want and if it's worth the emotional investment and time to try to R. It's a good chunk of time of your life to attempt something like that.
Not rushing into anything anymore. 18 months to 5 years is a long time, but so is 37 years. If I really feel she is on the level and all the criteria is met by her, then yes, definitely it will be worth it.

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Besides, making her squirm a little while you decide is a good thing for her to go through.
As much as I hate to admit it - It's also a good thing for me to go through right now
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:02 AM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

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I also suggest that if you do meet her that you merely ask for the entire truth from her only and that you will listen, ask some questions and then get back to her after you've processed everything. State that if you were to consider R that you must hear everything now and if anything else is discovered down the line then it is completely over, so she better come clean on everything
Have already done this and have confirmed it with T software on both her computer & smart phone. Also by a PI I still have on retainer. But I get your point. Never hurts to reiterate something as important as this, so will do if and when we meet.
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:06 AM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

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If you do R, what about the sex part? She clearly values it. He worked hard for years to have it with this OM. Are you able to meet that need of hers?
Shag, see my reply post to morituri ^. About 3rd question or so I think.

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Old 12-13-2011, 09:08 AM   #111 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

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just PM a mod like amplexor and ask to move this thread into the private section
Thanks AR, I'm going to try now.
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:25 AM   #112 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

Just a heads up. I just sent a PM to amplexor about moving this thread to the private section. Stay tuned.....
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:28 AM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

Maybe the following goes without saying but nevertheless, if you choose to reconciliate, you may want to make your WW aware from the onset that a probationary period must be put passed before you will consider accept any final reconciliation. This is necessary because:

1. It gives you breathing space that you are not locking yourself in to a situation that may be too much for you to handle.

2. It shows your WW that the marriage is not out of the woods and that she will have to prove herself worthy, through her actions, of a final reconciliation.

There are lots of stories where reconciliation was entered without a probationary period and in almost of them, divorce was the final outcome. Granted that even with the a probationary period, divorce may be the final outcome in your case, but a probationary period at the very least will eliminate a false recovery.
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Old 12-13-2011, 11:50 AM   #114 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

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Originally Posted by morituri View Post
Maybe the following goes without saying but nevertheless, if you choose to reconciliate, you may want to make your WW aware from the onset that a probationary period must be put passed before you will consider accept any final reconciliation. This is necessary because:

1. It gives you breathing space that you are not locking yourself in to a situation that may be too much for you to handle.

2. It shows your WW that the marriage is not out of the woods and that she will have to prove herself worthy, through her actions, of a final reconciliation.

There are lots of stories where reconciliation was entered without a probationary period and in almost of them, divorce was the final outcome. Granted that even with the a probationary period, divorce may be the final outcome in your case, but a probationary period at the very least will eliminate a false recovery.
Me likey this idea a lot Sorry, getting a little slap happy from the Lexapro I guess. Anyway, is this something that should be put into writing like a contract? If so, do you know of any templates that may be available?

I've already fashioned something with my lawyer called a "Provisional Disillusionment". Basically what happens with it is, I & WW sign it, but no action is taken unless one of the document stipulations is met like another infidelity, asset theft etc... I wonder if I could just add this probationary period stuff to that? Hum...looks like I'll have to call my lawyer again

Thanks for the tip morituri.
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Old 12-13-2011, 11:58 AM   #115 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

Got another session with my therapist at 2:30 today. I'm gonna run all of this by him and talk about it. I really like this guy and value his opinions. Mostly cause he's been there twice and knows all the pitfalls, angles & even catch phrases. Kind of cool to be face to face with someone who really knows & can relate.

I'll post back after the session to pick your guys brains some more.

See ya, I'm outa here...
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Old 12-13-2011, 12:18 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

Get all the advice from as any angles as you can, but in the end listen to your gut.

Keep in mind you IC is to help you manage you, his job isn't to make decision or guide you as an oracle.
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Old 12-13-2011, 05:45 PM   #117 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

Back from Therapist Session.....

Had another great session with my T. This guy is amazing. And yeah Shag, I know I'm vulnerable right now and I may be transferring a little because he's a shoulder to lean on, but I just can't help it. The guy resonates with me and what he says comes off to me as intelligent, straight forward and truthful.

Anyway, we did some CB stuff for half the session and then I brought up again what's been happening with WW yesterday & today. I told him that I was thinking of making her sweat a little and oh boy, his eyes rolled up. He asked why I thought that was such a good idea. I told him because it would make me look less desperate, her want it even more, and that she also deserved it....More rolling eyes, and he says, are we school boys now? If you want to just punish her, than file for D now. But if you really want to gauge her reactions to what she's telling you, why give her more time to rehearse what she's going say? Make her do it now, or as soon as you can, so it's as spontaneous and unrehearsed as possible. Isn't THAT our goal here? I see no value at all in making her wait, in fact, I think it will devalue your objective.

I thought for awhile, and then told him that it was hard to come up with a good argument for what he had said but I was still worried that I may look desperate if I set the meet up too soon. He replied back that you ARE desperate, but not for the meeting. Your desperate to find out the truth about whether or not she's on the level. So again, why wait, lets do it as soon as we can.

He then asked me what I thought the earliest day was I could set the meeting up for. I told him probably as soon as tomorrow night. He asked how I would contact her and I said most likely by email. Then he looks at me and says, so... why don't you email her and try to set it up for tomorrow? I said what now? He said yes. You've got your smart phone, or you can use my laptop. I hesitated and he said look, we've agreed that there's no value in waiting right? I said yeah... and pulled out my phone.

Bottom line is that I emailed WW and told her that I wanted to meet tomorrow at 6pm. It took her all of 2 minutes to reply back & accept. So I'm sorry guys but that's the plan of action. I have to be honest and tell you that the argument my T made was a sound one to me. Why play games at this point when all I want to do is look her in the eyes while she talks, and gauge her reactions. I don't have to commit to anything tomorrow and I won't! What I will have is a better idea of whether she's bullsh!tting me again, or really trying to do the right thing.

Anyway, it's game on now. I'm in the process of finishing up my list of questions & conditions. I'm positive I'll be ready for tomorrow. I'm gonna hop off now cause I have a feeling I'm going to get blasted from some of you for this. Go ahead and let me have it. Just know that in my mind, I'm positive I did the correct thing.
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Old 12-13-2011, 07:45 PM   #118 (permalink)
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One reason for holding off was to give you time emotionally to recharge, but if your feeling charged then hey wait.

Remember when taking advice here or anywhere, we all have opinions but you will own the consequences.
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:08 PM   #119 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Want To Save My Marriage, Can't Seem to Get Past Her Lying - Please Help

No need to apologize to us John. Your therapist is the expert who you should rely on to help you heal from the trauma of betrayal. We are here to lend you emotional support during this trying time.
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Old 12-14-2011, 07:19 AM   #120 (permalink)
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OK FYI, The meeting is set up for this evening at 6:00pm at my house. To be honest, I知 scared sh!tless for some reason. I guess if I知 really going to be honest with myself, I知 hoping this is real and there is a chance for legitimate R. However, right now I知 able to temper that and I知 going into this with eyes wide open!

I realize that even if it is real and we agree to R, it痴 coming off an LTA and the odds are not really in our favor. I just keep thinking 37 years. That痴 a long time, even though the last three of them I totally lost; and how I lost them was evil to say the least. However, I also realize how good it was with her before I lost my business and my back issues began. Oh sh!t, I知 getting very confused again

One thing I do know for sure. There will be NO snap decisions tonight. I知 resolute in taking time after this meeting to try and analyze what was said and how it was delivered. I also want to consult my therapist and talk it over fully with him. I値l try and post after the meet tonight and let you know how it all wentwish me luckand stay tuned..

John
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