Seeking Confirmation - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

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Repentance is what "changes them" and that is done through guilt, conviction and Godly sorrow, not shame. Certainly shame {even deep shame} short term, may lead them to guilt, conviction and Godly sorrow; but, shame alone and continual is just a negative feeling of unworthiness and not of God. The Good Shephard seeks to restore His flock and make it whole again.

....

If this story is completely true, I commend the original poster for the significant act of love he made by signing his name to that baby girl's birth certificate knowing {or highly suspecting at the time as I presume the DNA test was done later} that the child {likely} wasn't his. That single act of legitimization saved that little girl from a lifetime of uncertainty and instability. She got herself a real "Dad" that day {and all the days thereafter}. I pray she grows up and returns the favor of such a blessing on to you.
Thank you for your response. Yes it was her who felt guilty about having the OM's child. Her part of the story is that she would just send him pictures and let him know how she was progressing. Even if that was true it still morphed back into the relationship they previously had. Whether is ever actually ended I cannot say and I don't believe her story at all. We both knew who the real father was, we had a prenatal test which showed I wasn't even close to being the father. I knew it and she knew it. Looking back I remember after my daughter was born and the paperwork was dropped off in the hospital room. I didn't think much of it before but my wife really hesitated signing it with my name on the papers. But I would not change a thing, I love my daughter, and this prick will have no way at getting to her anymore. And when it comes time to fess up I will, and tell her all about how much of a POS this man was, what he did and did not do.

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post #77 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 07:15 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

Any contact with him should have first been approved by, and monitored by, you.
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post #78 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 08:53 AM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

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I remember after my daughter was born and the paperwork was dropped off in the hospital room. I didn't think much of it before but my wife really hesitated signing it with my name on the papers.
It would be really bad is if the OM needed a kidney and your soon to be ex old lady were a match. She probably be hitting you up to pay her end of the hospital bill.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.

Last edited by VladDracul; 11-28-2016 at 09:50 AM.
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post #79 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

so has your attorney had your WW sign an agreement giving you custody and your WW moving out of the house?

I would not wait until January. I would hit now. you would still be married at december 31 and would have to file married filing joint or married filing separate.

Most times married filing separate stinks. get the D done quickly.

sorry for your pain and situation. you are correct that they never tell you the truth.

she could write you a timeline and diary of the A so you could use that to give to your attorney.
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post #80 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:08 AM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

BMore you are doing fine.

If it makes you feel better, the first time my xWW cheated on me in 1993, I was a "Type 3". We "reconciled". When I came back in 2012 after she cheated again in the 22d year of our marriage, I came back as a "Type 2" and after filing for divorce I moved on quickly to "Type 1". But is wasn't a natural progression. I was clueless all those years ago and I blamed her affair on my alcoholism. I also took 90% of the blame for the state of the marriage before she cheated that first time. But the second time was different. I had long before cleaned up my act and I was, for the most part, a good husband. So when she did it again it was no-holds-barred, much like you are doing now. Only difference is we didn't have kids.

I understand your disappointment and anger. Channel it towards getting the best deal in the divorce you can. And after she gets served? Expose, expose, expose...to everyone.
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post #81 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

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so has your attorney had your WW sign an agreement giving you custody and your WW moving out of the house?

I would not wait until January. I would hit now. you would still be married at december 31 and would have to file married filing joint or married filing separate.

Most times married filing separate stinks. get the D done quickly.

sorry for your pain and situation. you are correct that they never tell you the truth.

she could write you a timeline and diary of the A so you could use that to give to your attorney.
I should be meeting with a lawyer this week to start the process. I am holding off until after X-Mas because of the kids. I know others on here disagree with this but I am okay with it. My path forward is set, she will not be able to convince me otherwise. As far as the diary thing, she won't do that. Already claimed it was sporadic over the past couple years and she does not remember the details, dates, or times. She wants me to play 20 questions and says she would answer anything truthfully. Lol, the truth is she can't keep her lies straight, I've already uncovered so many of them. I have plenty from the most recent discovery to show they did indeed meet up for sex, planned it ahead of time, he did stay in my house while I was away and he was around my children at times.
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post #82 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

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Thank you for your response. Yes it was her who felt guilty about having the OM's child. Her part of the story is that she would just send him pictures and let him know how she was progressing. Even if that was true it still morphed back into the relationship they previously had. Whether is ever actually ended I cannot say and I don't believe her story at all. We both knew who the real father was, we had a prenatal test which showed I wasn't even close to being the father. I knew it and she knew it. Looking back I remember after my daughter was born and the paperwork was dropped off in the hospital room. I didn't think much of it before but my wife really hesitated signing it with my name on the papers. But I would not change a thing, I love my daughter, and this prick will have no way at getting to her anymore. And when it comes time to fess up I will, and tell her all about how much of a POS this man was, what he did and did not do.
Many of us have made serious life altering screw ups that we paid for many times over for very long periods of time. Unfortunately, many of us don't come to that realization until we are smacked with the benefit of hindsight with a clear mind. I'm afraid this is a realization that you will have to face at some point in the not too distant future. You made a serious error in judgment by accepting and claiming this child as your own. If it were me, I would do everything in my power to ensure that I wasn't saddled with child support payments for a child that I didn't father. Many try to paint this rosy picture of virtue about a BH that steps up and assumes responsibility for OM and WW's "love" child, but in reality there is a very ugly word for those that willingly step into this role that will haunt you forever. Seriously, how could it not?

I'm fairly confident you'll ignore my words, but I wanted to float out the opposing viewpoint that you should seek out the best pitbull attorney in your area and attempt to disavow parentage and avoid child support and all other responsibilities for this child.
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post #83 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 06:30 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

Good that you are moving on.

Hope you get custody of the kids.

after D, stay far away from WW.

too bad that people like that could not be marked with a big A on their forehead to warn everyone.
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post #84 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.
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post #85 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:15 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

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I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.
BMore,

So far, and I may have missed it and I apologize, I am guessing that she does not know you have proof she is still cheating?? So are these 20 questions she is trying to make you play in her mind questions about the past while she is still in the affair???
Just do not let what you are perceiving as "fear" allow you to let your guard down. Many times when they do get fear, the will try to manipulate you through sex or claiming they really want to reconcile and try to lure you to therapy.

You have done this drill before, and not only did she cheat again but in your house with your kids around. Amazes me how brazen they can be and think you are stupid enough to tolerate that. Especially with the history.

I would still do everything you can to get her out of there and you MUST have a VAR on you when you interact with her. A fake DV claim is not out of the question here. Do not take any chances.

You mentioned a trip to OM's house. Do not do that without a witness. The last thin g you need is a police charge in case he is around when you try to tell the wife. I would show up at her work since you know where that is and OM will not be there.

Now brace yourself for more bull **** tonight. Her and her boyfriend are probabyl spending the day planning what they are going to do and don't be surprised if he is helping her with legal advice.

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post #86 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:31 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

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Originally Posted by BMoreMan View Post
I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.
I commend you for being so resolved, even though it's heart breaking for you at the same time. Her responses are interesting, although not surprising.

She will not go easily most likely, me thinks, as most cheaters want to keep the spouse AND keep the others on the side. They don't want to have to choose.

Please keep us updated, keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #87 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:34 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

I'm wishing you the best in this situation. It sucks to go through it, but know that life gets immeasurably better once you take out the trash.
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post #88 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 02:19 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

Great progress on a ****ty path you found yourself walking.

VAR VAR VAR now if you don't have one. It's the only way to protect your children at this point


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post #89 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 03:51 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

Stay strong BMore. Hang in there!

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #90 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 04:10 PM
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Re: Seeking Confirmation

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Originally Posted by BMoreMan View Post
I just wanted to drop a quick update. I have requested a consultation with an Attorney, that is now moving forward. I've also gone cold and indifferent to my WW over the past few days, and she has noticed. Hit me today with that she thinks it would be best if she moved out. My response was simply "if that is what you want to do", she did not like that at all. She then said she had to find a way to accommodate the kids.... oh no no no, the kids stay here, they will sleep in their own beds. You can go, but they are staying here. Fear set in and she quickly backtracked on it. Have to wait and see where this goes tonight when she gets home from work.
Her next step will be to see an attorney and tell them that you intend to keep custody of the kids at which point the attorney if they are a good one will tell her what she needs to do to keep custody of the children and remain in the house- and that is done by working up a case against you accusing you of being some sort of threat or danger in which case you will eventually find yourself forcibly removed from the home and given at most limited and supervised visitation with your children for an indefinite period of time.

If you force your wife's hand she will do what is necessary to protect her parental rights, access to her home, and as much of the marital property as she can possibly keep her hands on.

Well maybe not. Maybe she'll be really nice and sweet and give you everything you are asking for including sole possession of the home and residential custody of the children and a nice, fair, even split down the middle of all the assets and she won't ask for maintenance and she'll even pay you child support since you'll be responsible for the children. But that's the stuff fairy tales are made of.
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