Wife still cheating. I just filed for D - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
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post #151 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 09:43 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Show me you have grown as a woman.
But she hasn't, at all. And she won't. She doesn't even want to.

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post #152 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 10:07 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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I think about R less and less and want it less and less. I really want it just for the kids, but she would have to make a complete transformation and she is too dumb and selfish for that.
Lethal mistake - attempting to force R for the kids' sake. Listen - your wayward wife doesn't even really want to save this sham of a marriage. She's exactly like my exww was at the beginning. Still in the "fog" and completely and utterly still into the other man and not thinking rationally - it's still 100% about her, her needs, her wants, her whims, her desires. I witnessed first hand what a beast of a person someone in an affair turns into (as have most of the people here). I get it - it's incredibly confounding and bewildering to watch this person you thought you knew and loved become a completely different, horrible person. It's a gigantic mind f*ck.

She doesn't want a true, solid, loving, faithful marriage - but she also doesn't want you to move on and she does NOT want to know that you are capable of moving on and being happy without her. That drives cheating women batsh*t insane. Seriously. "I don't want you, I want someone or something else, but nobody else can have you either". She's a classic narcissist. People like this are like spoiled children. They are playing with their beloved toy - they get bored of it and throw it away and pick up another toy - which is now the greatest toy in the world. It's their "soul toy". However, as soon as one of the other toddlers picks up the old toy she threw away - she throws a tantrum and wants that toy back. Until she gets bored of it again - once she has it back. This is not some far fetched analogy - this is reality.

The more you detach, the more you stop giving her info on what you're doing with your life, the less interest you show in her - the more she will manipulate you to try and kybosh that. You will probably see this as her somehow turning a corner and coming back to reality - coming back to you. But it's false. It's not genuine. And if you take her back (if she even gets to the point of wanting to be taken back), mark my words my friend - you will suffer. She will do it again. You will be right back here.

Kids do NOT do well in a house with a fake marriage. My kids of course had a hard time (we all did), but they are MUCH happier now and we are MUCH closer than when I was with my exww. The bond that my kids and I developed post split has grown into something amazing. We are a team - a real trio. An unbreakable bond. This can be an opportunity for you to free yourself from a toxic woman and forge an amazing bond (beyond what you have now) with your kids.

My exww flipped when she found out I had moved on. "I just can't believe how fast you got over me and moved on". Yeah, that's ****ing right. Because she proved she wasn't worthy of me. Once she realized that, she desperately wanted me back. I gave R a chance for a few weeks, then realized no way. I cannot and will not devote my life to someone who gave her body and soul to some pos while we were still married and thrusted a butcher knife into my back, then twisted it slowly. Do not ever do that to yourself.

Another thing - there's anger coming. Anger like you've never experienced before - especially if you get back with her. It's not nearly as bad if you are done and start D. It'll still come, but if you get back together with her, you will begin to seethe - poison will start coursing through your veins and your contempt and resentment towards this woman will cause you to say horrible things. And justly so.

I was warned of this and shrugged it off. Boy were they right. Don't fall prey brother. Respect yourself and your children.
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post #153 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 10:22 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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At this point understand the question is not what to do about the "issues" or "her needs" but what is she doing about the adultery??? That is the only question to be answered at this time. If she cannot figure that out and boldly accept that her choice to accept and introduce Adlutery into the marriage is her's alone responsibility.

You really want to reconcile start talking about triggers and how you will handle them. Talk about how you improve as a wife. Talk about our needs with a stess on how I will be made whole. Show me you have grown as a woman.
None of that is relevant. These are things to consider when you have a genuinely remorseful, contrite woman who knows she's done the worst thing she could ever possibly do, is totally sick over it and is desperate to save her marriage and seek forgiveness - willing to do anything for the rest of her life to make things right. Do you know how rare that is? This woman isn't even close to wanting to save this marriage, let alone any of that other stuff.

My exww actually got to that point during R. She told me every day, several times a day - "I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you", and she actually put that into action. She was genuinely remorseful and fought tooth and nail to save the marriage during our attempted R. She realized what she threw away, freaked out and then desperately tried to keep it afloat...all the while it was a slowly sinking ship. I wanted so badly to save my marriage and my family, but I realized...it was already dead - she had already killed it. So I filed. And now, 4 years later? She still tells me all the time that she desperately regrets making the "worst mistake of her life" and will never get over it. She still wants me back and sends inappropriate texts - and she's engaged to another guy! If I were her fiance - I'd be livid over how she communicates with me - I'd drop her like a sack of burning crap. And what does that tell me? I absolutely made the right decision. She would cheat with me in a heartbeat if I wanted that - and what does that say about the person she still is? A broken, dishonest, f'ed up woman incapable of having integrity and being faithful - just like your cheating wife.

I'm sorry to be harsh - but this is the reality of this mess.
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post #154 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

I absolutely understand and believe what everyone is saying. I am certain it will be miserable if we try to reconcile. But I do enjoy when she is begging me to come back, and I'm sad when she acts like she is fine. I don't know why though. But when she begs I detest her, and when she acts fine I want her to beg some more.

I messed up again earlier and talked a little bit to ask if she installed her alarm at home yet. I told her I have to go get some more of my stuff while she is gone.
She started asking questions so I told her I am leaving my parents and getting an apartment in a few days so I need a few pots and pans to cook. She started asking a bunch of questions about where it's at and who I am living with and how old they are and all that.

I want to tell her I am moving on and the offer for reconciliation is no longer open. But maybe I should wait until I get the last of my stuff out the house. Or should I not say anything at all?

And I'm not doing plan A right now or still supporting her like a couple posters said. I give just what the lawyer said I have to at this time. But it's not enough for her to pay all the bills.

She was being cooperative today and not trying to talk me into staying, but she said she feels like her chest hurts all day and she has nightmares at night. But she also suggested that I could take some furniture for the apartment.
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post #155 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:44 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Learn these. Repeat. You don't need to tell her anything. Non-answers tell more than your actual words anyway.

"I'm sorry you're having difficulty with this..."

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

"That's no longer a concern of yours."

her: where is your place, who are you living with
you: not a concern of yours

her: I'm having chest pains and nightmares
you: sorry you're having difficulty with this. it'll get easier, I'm sure
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post #156 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
I absolutely understand and believe what everyone is saying. I am certain it will be miserable if we try to reconcile. But I do enjoy when she is begging me to come back, and I'm sad when she acts like she is fine. I don't know why though. But when she begs I detest her, and when she acts fine I want her to beg some more.

I messed up again earlier and talked a little bit to ask if she installed her alarm at home yet. I told her I have to go get some more of my stuff while she is gone.
She started asking questions so I told her I am leaving my parents and getting an apartment in a few days so I need a few pots and pans to cook. She started asking a bunch of questions about where it's at and who I am living with and how old they are and all that. None of her business.

I want to tell her I am moving on and the offer for reconciliation is no longer open. But maybe I should wait until I get the last of my stuff out the house. Or should I not say anything at all? Go dark. 180. What you are doing is none of her business.

And I'm not doing plan A right now or still supporting her like a couple posters said. I give just what the lawyer said I have to at this time. But it's not enough for her to pay all the bills. It is the reality of the situation your W put the family in. Maybe a part time job for your stbx is in order.

She was being cooperative today and not trying to talk me into staying, but she said she feels like her chest hurts all day and she has nightmares at night. But she also suggested that I could take some furniture for the apartment. Sorry for the chest pains. Perhaps seeking medical attentoin should be advised. I'm certain your STBX will not see the doctor for assistance. It is a ploy. Get new furniture when you can. Do not accept peace offerings.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #157 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 01:47 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Collin

What she has not yet said is that she is no longer involved with OM or offered any way to verify that.

THAT IS THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD HEAR FROM HER>

Block the rest out.

Her chest hurting is not your ****ing problem
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post #158 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 02:12 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Hi Colin,

Moth and I where actually coming from the same place. My point was there is no remorse only seif-absorption, regret, and fear. She has shown no effort at personal growth and responsibility. I posted what you needed from her to attempt reconciliation. Moth has warn you that is often not enough. This is not a weakness in the BS, actually it shows strength and purity of motive. No BS owes reconciliation to a WS regardless of cicrumstsnces. If the marriage does survive and prosper, or a re-marrage occur it will never be "fair" to the BS. They do it only because it is still worth the pain to endure and a successful marriage is a price they will sacrifice for.

As to messing up, we all do. Put it out of your head at night and judge yourself gently to the goals you have set (and which will evolve in time) and in the morning look the mirror and swy today I kick ass.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #159 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:13 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

We may be coming down hard with the 2x4 - but it's only because we have experience (sadly) and want what's best for you. Regarding messing up or making the wrong move - dude, you are in such a difficult, mind-bending, cruel place right now. A fresh BS is hardly in a place where they are going to be making the most logical and rational decisions. Do not be hard on yourself. It's brutally confusing and every decision seems wrenching. You're doing awesome - stay the course, stay strong. And remember - this is about you and what's best for you, not her. Doing what's best for you, will be best for your kids - as they need a strong, confident, resolute father who respects himself. THAT will have far more positive impact on your kids than forcing a marriage that shouldn't be, and thus devaluing yourself.
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post #160 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

I don't know Blue. The last thing she told me was that she was trying to get out but it's hard because "you don't understand what he is to me and how he cares about me." Basically that sounds like "I want to be with him and have his family and my family be OK with it and not think I am bad.

She also said she was trying to find a solution where no one would get hurt. She said she can't leave home because it hurts me and the kids and she can't leave and hurt him. So basically she chose him over her own kids.

The more I think about it though, I don't think I ever was crazy about her like I was with girls before her. And that made her chase after me even more. But once we got married and when our first child was born I started to feel real genuine love for the first time. But it lasted about a week and she started being lazy and neglecting the baby. Well, not neglecting it badly, but not showing the same love and affection I saw my mother and other women show for baby's.

Same thing repeated with the second baby and I thought maybe it was post partum depression, but the affair started not long after that. And maybe it was depression that allowed the affair to develop.

On a side note, she texted earlier saying "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"

I wanted to tell her I didn't do the "ripping". But I let it go.

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post #161 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 05:38 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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I don't know Blue. The last thing she told me was that she was trying to get out but it's hard because "you don't understand what he is to me and how he cares about me." Basically that sounds like "I want to be with him and have his family and my family be OK with it and not think I am bad.

She also said she was trying to find a solution where no one would get hurt. She said she can't leave home because it hurts me and the kids and she can't leave and hurt him. So basically she chose him over her own kids.

The more I think about it though, I don't think I ever was crazy about her like I was with girls before her. And that made her chase after me even more. But once we got married and when our first child was born I started to feel real genuine love for the first time. But it lasted about a week and she started being lazy and neglecting the baby. Well, not neglecting it badly, but not showing the same love and affection I saw my mother and other women show for baby's.

Same thing repeated with the second baby and I thought maybe it was post partum depression, but the affair started not long after that. And maybe it was depression that allowed the affair to develop.

On a side note, she texted earlier saying "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"

I wanted to tell her I didn't do the "ripping". But I let it go.
Oh my GOD!!! Yeah, good riddance. She's something else man.
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post #162 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 06:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

She isn't very good, but she was different from a lot of the wayward stories I read. For instance, they talk about the wayward being addicted and all that and thinking they found their soul mate, and she is like that for the most part. But on my VAR I heard her treating OM like **** a few times and putting him down and building me up. He whined and cried about it and they fought some more (that was difficult hearing another man argue with my wife and I can't get to him to beat him up). But hearing them fight made me think either it wasn't real and was about to fail, or that it was the real thing because of that. But maybe it is common for affair partners to fight like that and then make up later.

Or maybe she is just a major B**** and can't get along with anyone.
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post #163 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 06:12 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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She isn't very good, but she was different from a lot of the wayward stories I read. For instance, they talk about the wayward being addicted and all that and thinking they found their soul mate, and she is like that for the most part. But on my VAR I heard her treating OM like **** a few times and putting him down and building me up. He whined and cried about it and they fought some more (that was difficult hearing another man argue with my wife and I can't get to him to beat him up). But hearing them fight made me think either it wasn't real and was about to fail, or that it was the real thing because of that. But maybe it is common for affair partners to fight like that and then make up later.

Or maybe she is just a major B**** and can't get along with anyone.
Reminds me of luvmyjava. His WW and OM were fighting all the time, but that's still part of the affair. I know its hard to read, but they love the makeup sex.

If you're even thinking of R, any attempt at R will be guaranteed to fail while the affair is going on. These are the pillars of R:

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post #164 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 06:14 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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She isn't very good, but she was different from a lot of the wayward stories I read. For instance, they talk about the wayward being addicted and all that and thinking they found their soul mate, and she is like that for the most part. But on my VAR I heard her treating OM like **** a few times and putting him down and building me up. He whined and cried about it and they fought some more (that was difficult hearing another man argue with my wife and I can't get to him to beat him up). But hearing them fight made me think either it wasn't real and was about to fail, or that it was the real thing because of that. But maybe it is common for affair partners to fight like that and then make up later.

Or maybe she is just a major B**** and can't get along with anyone.
I know my exww and her "soulmate" (lol) had more than one public blow up. I would imagine there is a lot of tension there - the anxiety and maybe the AP being pissed because the wayward is still "with" their spouse? I don't know. All speculation. I have no idea how these people's minds actually work. Different breed.
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post #165 of 397 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 06:15 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Try doing this:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
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