Wife still cheating. I just filed for D - Page 17 - Talk About Marriage
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post #241 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:20 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
I suspect it is common. You know how little girls can be fickle? WW's kind of have that immature, underdeveloped mentality. They don't want you when they are in their affair - then when you show them you're moving on and going to be just fine - or better than fine (better than when you were with her), they suddenly want their thrown away toy back. It's this game back and forth.

My exww still, after 4 years, can't detach. If her "fiance" could see the texts she sends me (nothing sexually explicit - but inappropriate for sure), he (if he were a smart man), would dump her immediately. I know I could get her into bed if I wanted to. And that just reinforces my decision to divorce her. It's been four years.

Some WW's chase their former BS because of the fickle thing - the "now that someone else wants my thrown away toy, I want it BACK!!" mentality, and others (like my exww), realize what they threw away, regret it immensely and pine for what once was. Hard to say with yours - it's pretty early in the game. Time will tell. Either way, doesn't matter - she lost her chance with you. She gave up the privilege of being your wife. Sucks to be her.
The dog with two bones.

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post #242 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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I don't think ambivalence is the word you're after - indifference maybe.
If they had no kids together I would agree. But he has to deal with this idiot for the next fifteen years or so. So he will have to work with her. He cannot treat her like she died and doesn't exist. He needs to get to a place where she is just an aupair.
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post #243 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:05 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Was her fiancé an OM?
Not one of my exww's OM's. He came into the picture way after. An OM in general, I'm not sure.
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post #244 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:09 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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If they had no kids together I would agree. But he has to deal with this idiot for the next fifteen years or so. So he will have to work with her. He cannot treat her like she died and doesn't exist. He needs to get to a place where she is just an aupair.
Ambivalence: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Maybe I'm just not getting the context. Or do you mean he'll have to hate her at the same time as dealing with her as a coparent?
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post #245 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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The dog with two bones.
Woof. She can't have my bone.
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post #246 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:51 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.
It is called cheating because cheaters are giving themselves an unfair advantage by not playing by the agreed upon rules of your marriage. By breaking the rules, the cheater already has another option in play, while the cheated on partner is caught flatfooted starting from scratch. This advantage is short lived because few affair partners (just a few percent) have relationships that last long term after the divorce, and they must deal with each other in real life instead of the fantasy affair life that their relationship is based on. Also, deep down they both know that anyone that can cheat with you, could eventually cheat on you, so their relationship will be doomed to them both having to always look over their shoulders. Although you will start later in looking for a new partner, any new relationship will be real from the start and have a good chance that she will not be a cheater. Bottom line, 5 years from now the odds are on your side that you will be living a happier life than you are now, where her odds are lower.
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post #247 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.

But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.
It also helps for you to work hard to ensure YOUR life turns out amazing, no matter what. Then you won't care whatever happened to her. You'll just be glad you escaped.
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post #248 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 04:01 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.

But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.
Collin,

Here are the simple facts with a WW like her
(1) in the short term, even if it does not work out with OM, women have no problem finding sex pals and she will attract other men probably with on problem. You social life may lag hers and that is par for the course. Remember, men are programmed to pursue women so advantage is hers
(2) you cannot base how you do on if she is miserable. If she gets dumped by OM and gets tired of being someones sex toy, she may become miserable. Hopefully, by the time that happens you will not give a ****.
(3) This is the most important fact. The BEST revenge IS FOR YOU TO BECOME HAPPY AND FULFILLED WITHOUT HER. That's the goal and you can make that happen as long as you do not backtrack. Stop worrying about what you cannot control, namely who she is banging and when.

No put your foot to the gas pedal and speed it up and get rid of her.
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post #249 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 05:25 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Rationally.... she was a W and a mom for a number of years. Same schit, day in, day out. You will

hear that a lot here as reasons for cheating. Bor-ing.... nothing changes but the date on

calendar. Both become complacent and... she gets a compliment, flirt, eye contact.

The difference is... some women enjoy this and wake her up to her M is in the doldrums.

Others.... eat it up and can't get enough. The rush when you "think you're falling"

is addictive. The rush wears off... then reality rears its head. Reason most APs never make it.

What's the difference between the BS and the AP while it's in fantasy land? Snort a line of Goody

powders.... then snort high grade coke. There's your difference. But what usually happens to a coke head?

Same thing applies for WS. This is the reason why BS are vastly in a better state of being a year

after DDay than WS.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #250 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:09 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
Ambivalence: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Maybe I'm just not getting the context. Or do you mean he'll have to hate her at the same time as dealing with her as a coparent?
Semantics. Who gives a fvck? He knows what we mean....

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post #251 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:14 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Woof. She can't have my bone.
Dog with Two Bones parable:

A dog with a bone in his mouth comes to a clear stream and looks down and sees another dog looking back at him with a bone in its mouth. He wants that bone the other dog has too, so he lets his bone go and lunges for the reflection. The real bone sinks and is swept away by the stream. When the water is still again the dog sees both bones are gone.
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post #252 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:21 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Dog with Two Bones parable:

A dog with a bone in his mouth comes to a clear stream and looks down and sees another dog looking back at him with a bone in its mouth. He wants that bone the other dog has too, so he lets his bone go and lunges for the reflection. The real bone sinks and is swept away by the stream. When the water is still again the dog sees both bones are gone.
And he has Chlamydia.
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post #253 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:49 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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And he has Chlamydia.
Or that big green puss bump that just won't go away

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #254 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:13 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Here are the simple facts with a WW like her
(1) in the short term, even if it does not work out with OM, women have no problem finding sex pals and she will attract other men probably with on problem. You social life may lag hers and that is par for the course. Remember, men are programmed to pursue women so advantage is hers
Depending on their age, the advantage may not be hers. In their 20s, the advantage is strongly with women when it comes to relationship options. This is because most men will typically not date a women that is much older than he is, yet women are willing to date much older men. This means that where a 25 year old male can only date 18 to 25 years olds, with under 21 year olds being a push, a 25 year old female can date men that are 25 to 50 year olds, where a 35 year old male with a solid career will easily be able to best a 25 year old still trying to establish himself. When men and women hit their 30s, the balance is about even. After 40, men now have the type of advantage the women had in their 20s. I cannot believe how friends that never had game when they were younger, are now dating much more attractive women now that they are older. There is a formula out there among men that on second marriages, the new wife will commonly be approximately 1/2 the husband's age plus 7 years. I did not believe it at first until I checked around with my friends that got remarried, and darn if it was not true. Check for yourself with your remarried friends and you will be surprised by how true this is. If you are a guy, age is on your side.
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post #255 of 422 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 08:55 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Depending on their age, the advantage may not be hers. In their 20s, the advantage is strongly with women when it comes to relationship options. This is because most men will typically not date a women that is much older than he is, yet women are willing to date much older men. This means that where a 25 year old male can only date 18 to 25 years olds, with under 21 year olds being a push, a 25 year old female can date men that are 25 to 50 year olds, where a 35 year old male with a solid career will easily be able to best a 25 year old still trying to establish himself. When men and women hit their 30s, the balance is about even. After 40, men now have the type of advantage the women had in their 20s. I cannot believe how friends that never had game when they were younger, are now dating much more attractive women now that they are older. There is a formula out there among men that on second marriages, the new wife will commonly be approximately 1/2 the husband's age plus 7 years. I did not believe it at first until I checked around with my friends that got remarried, and darn if it was not true. Check for yourself with your remarried friends and you will be surprised by how true this is. If you are a guy, age is on your side.


Yet while still married and cheating, people often affair down. So if the divorce was due to the mans infidelity, he likely scr3w3d someone older or fatter or less attractive on the path toward the younger, hotter new spouse. Amazing how generalizations work out


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