Wife still cheating. I just filed for D - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Thanks Spicy and everyone else. I guess I want to date just to get some attention and get back my manhood. But I would be forcing myself, because I really don't feel like it. But I think I would feel like less of a loser.

Whenever WW let the kids FaceTime me earlier, she snuck in a couple times but I answered only yes and no to a couple child based questions. And man did she look unattractive. And she was literally holding back tears while saying the kids were so bad all day. I just looked at her face and remembered all the times of her yelling and angry.

Right after D-day when I saw her I thought she looked better than ever. Tonight it was like "why the hell did I ever desire her?"
I dated almost immediately after dday. For those exact reasons - I needed to know I was still desirable and had my manhood. Being cheated on is unbelievably emasculating. It did me WONDERS, and as soon as my exww found out, she was livid, then wanted me back in short order. It can be extremely good for your shattered self confidence. However - realize that you are an open wound, and are NOT a safe prospect for any kind of relationship right now. Just try not to hurt anyone - be straight about it and let whoever know that you're not emotionally available right now, but you are just looking for a release. I didn't do that - and I hurt some women along the way. They fell for me and then realized I was completely emotionally unavailable, and it wasn't pretty. I feel bad about it.

But sleeping with someone else after being betrayed so brutally gave me new life and restored my confidence. Go for it, just be careful and realize what it means. You won't be ready for a real relationship for some time. You need to divorce, then spend time on your own - learning who you are, learning to live alone and realizing you don't need a woman to complete you. That's critical, my friend.

I'm 4 years past dday, 2 years divorced - I remain single, and dig it. Actually the thought of another relationship (outside FWB) is completely unappealing to me.

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post #17 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:23 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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She texted to ask which day I filed for Divorce. I said "last week. Now I don't want to be mean, but I can't communicate with you. Respect my wishes. I don't want to block your number in case of the kids."

She said "what if I don't want a divorce? OK. I won't talk to you."

Then she sent a bunch of texts about how I didn't listen to figure out her needs and how to meet them and I never wanted to talk and communicate about fixing it. I reminded her that I tried very many times. She said I didn't though. And I just quit responding.

For a minute when she said she didn't want a divorce, a felt bad for her and almost kind of wanted to talk more. But when she got mad and said all that about meeting her needs, all of that went away and I am glad again that I don't have to go home to that.

I think I'm going to have to block her. I can tell her anger is going to progress until she tryst to hurt me bad in some way.
OMG - your ww and my exww are the same person. Uncanny.
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post #18 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:27 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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If you ever want any chance at all with me you'll stop that and never do it again. You need serious counseling.'
NOOOOO! Take that offer OFF of the table, FOREVER!! Good grief, saying that puts him back to square one.

Please do not do that OP.
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post #19 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 04:50 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

At this point understand the question is not what to do about the "issues" or "her needs" but what is she doing about the adultery??? That is the only question to be answered at this time. If she cannot figure that out and boldly accept that her choice to accept and introduce Adlutery into the marriage is her's alone responsibility.

You really want to reconcile start talking about triggers and how you will handle them. Talk about how you improve as a wife. Talk about our needs with a stess on how I will be made whole. Show me you have grown as a woman.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #20 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 06:46 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Your in plan A mode from Marriage Buikders. Understand even the guy who came up with the plan did so for those who could not get off the fence and believed on the lotto. Yes people win the lotto, but to build your life on the dream of winnin?

I do buy lotto tickets several times a YEAR, but my house and car are paid for and I have no debt at age 61.
Dr Harley stated that if his wife cheated, there would be no reconciliation.

This OPs first mistake is that he's too eager for R when she hasn't even begun to earn that shot at R.

This particular cheater is a cake eater.



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post #21 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 07:42 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Your in plan A mode from Marriage Buikders. Understand even the guy who came up with the plan did so for those who could not get off the fence and believed on the lotto. Yes people win the lotto, but to build your life on the dream of winnin?

I do buy lotto tickets several times a YEAR, but my house and car are paid for and I have no debt at age 61.
[QUOTE=moth-into-flame;16958122]You're making a mistake telling her there's still a chance for reconciliation if she "eventually stops cheating". That is a tremendous sign of weakness and shows you have no boundaries and are still totally cool being Plan B. It shows your weakness to her, but more importantly, you're not being respectful to yourself.

Your cheating wife is a classic manipulator, and even though you've filed, she still has you wrapped around her finger. She is still in control. Make no mistake - she still lusts after and is "in love" (it's not real love of course) with the posom. Losing you is simply losing her comfortable married life and all the perks that come with it. It's not YOU she's afraid of losing - it's the marriage and the status that comes with.

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you, has ZERO respect for you, and sorry, but doesn't love you, or at least not a healthy, real love?

Be warned: if she somehow convinces you she's actually done with her AP and you take her back - your life will NOT be any better than if you divorce her. Divorce and losing 50% of your access to your children SUCKS. I went through it - I see my kids Fri-Mon. But the alternative - living with someone who betrayed you in the worst way possible - treated you worse than their worst enemy, put you at risk of disease, disrespected you in the ultimate way, and counts you as Plan B - is FAR worse than being divorced and starting a new life. Your trust is gone, and you will never, ever get it back. Believe me. Living a life without trust in your spouse, constantly wondering and worrying, and on top of that, living with the anger and resentment towards them for what they already did to you - is no way to live.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your kids. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're here.[/QUOTE]

Collin,

i hope you will read the above a few more times. If by any chance you have any thoughts of reconciliation with this woman her telling you that she has stopped cheating should be the LAST thing you put any credence in. Your first requirement if you ever got that far would be to tell her shes taking a ****ing polygraph test every three months until you decide to stop and that each time you will bring the divorce papers with you in case she fails. how could you ever begin to trust this woman again???? So stop telling her that if she stops cheating you'll consider R.

And on to the Marriage builder genius who gives advice to BH to woo your wife back, tell her how beautiful she is while she primps to go bang OM, and buy her flowers and shower her with love when she comes home from having sex with him. THAT IS DELUSIONAL and even this Dr. Hartley character clearly states that only a small percentage of men will be able to do this for 6-12 months that he claims affairs usually burn out in. So get that stupid idea out of your head if it is in there.

You are going to have weak moments but every time you do just think about what she has done and is still doing. That ought to make those thoughts go away pretty quick
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post #22 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Yeah I agree with most of you. I think about R less and less and want it less and less. I really want it just for the kids, but she would have to make a complete transformation and she is too dumb and selfish for that. I feel bad that my kids' mother will likely have a miserable life and not be someone they are proud of, but I can't deal with her.

She let the kids FaceTime time me but they only talked a minute and wanted to go back to playing. WW kept trying to prolong the call. They accidentally hung up, so I called back and said "whoa I didn't realize it's 730. Daddy has to go. So she jumped in and said "why don't you want to talk to them? What are you about to go do?"

I just ignored her questions and told the kids bye. She kept trying to prolong it still. But she wasn't in that sad begging mode tonight. She was in the mean wayward mode which is pretty much her normal demeanor now. But it definitely made me like her less. If her and OM get together and stay together, he is going to be one miserable man.
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post #23 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 08:14 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Now you are in a state of mind that occurs when a couple is actually in reconcilation, no spouse is in N/C and some progess is being made when the BS wakes up and realizes I can have a life without her, I can have a life with my children when I divorce so what the **** am I doing here. It is refered to as the lethal plain of something.

Again has you wife even begun to realize the issue on the front burnner is her adultery? Again do not allow Plan A and Plan B to entire your life. It does have one element that is true - expouse even to children as young as age four. Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

I think you see the wisdom of what this poster wrote:


For an affair to survive, it needs to have a marriage and it needs to have a supportive BS. *95% of affairs are based on the thrill and fun of exciting forbidden sex while their other needs and creature comforts are being provided by the marriage and by the BS.

Think of it like a flea on a dog. if the dog dies, the flea dies. The flea needs the dog to survive.

An affair is a parasite that saps the life blood of the marriage, but it needs the marriage to survive and it especially needs the BS to continue to provide the stable lifestyle, home, financial resources, payments of bills etc etc.

If the BS bolts and the marriage dissolves and the stability and support and lifestyle that the marriage provides is gone, Then the WS and the AP are stuck with each other.

The catch here is that 95% of the time, the BS and the AP are only in it for the kibbles and for the fun and excitement. They don't actually want to be together fulltime and it is very very rare that the other person is even the type of person that they want to date or marry or be with.

When the BS and the marriage goes, then nothing is fun and exciting anymore, life becomes work. The sex loses it's luster and the kibbles are gone.

In a few very very rare instances, the WS and the AP actually do fall in love, are compatible and do want to be together. In those rare instances, the marriage is toast and the WS is going to leave anyway so the BS might as well get an early running start on the rest of their life and start moving forward without the WS anyway.

The part that you aren't getting is you are actually supporting and nourishing this affair. You are providing her her safety net and lifestyle and her stability and security. Without it, she can't have fun and enjoy her motel romps with her OM.

And you are actually the OM's best friend and wingman here because without you, he would have to wine and dine her and suck up to her friends and family and help her take care of her house and help pay her bills, change the oil in her car and rub her feet. But as it stands right now, he has you to take care of all of that stuff and all he has to provide her is fun and orgasms. He has it made and he is doing it on your dime.

There is a 95% chance that if you toss her out and cut off all support and communication with her (other than legal stuff through your attorneys) he will go radio silent on her in a matter of days or weeks.

And also while she is out hiring lawyers and packing her stuff and looking for apartments and dealing with all the legal stuff, the last thing she is going to care about is meeting him at the park to give him a hummer.

Stop supporting her and stop trying to reconcile with her. Toss her out and let her fend for herself for awhile and the A will quickly die.

Once the $h!^ hits the fan with the A and the A ends in a painful death and she is alone again and finally grasping the damage that she has caused, then you can reassess and decide if you want to try to build your relationship with her from scratch again.

Either way, the relationship and marriage you had with her is forever gone and will never be the same. There is a slim chance you may be able to build a new relationship if you so choose, the innocence and purity of your prior R is forever gone.

To kill the parasite, you have to get rid of the host and that host is you supporting your wife and providing her a comfortable lifestyle to the point where she is able to grab stolen moments of fun and excitement with the OM.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #24 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 08:20 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

As to the question are you dating.

No, when I heal I will period divorced or separated but I will heal and become a better person, but that is not the question you need to ask.

The question is "what am I doing to heal the damage my adultery has caused my spouse, my marriage, my children, myself".

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #25 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 08:27 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
So she jumped in and said "why don't you want to talk to them? What are you about to go do?"

I just ignored her questions and told the kids bye. She kept trying to prolong it still. But she wasn't in that sad begging mode tonight. She was in the mean wayward mode which is pretty much her normal demeanor now. But it definitely made me like her less. If her and OM get together and stay together, he is going to be one miserable man.
She might be in miserable WW mode, but she's sweating what you're up to. Now shut down any extra talk, and let her sweat even more.
Stay strong and keep using her meanness as fuel for yourself to keep doing the right thing.

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post #26 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 08:53 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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She might be in miserable WW mode, but she's sweating what you're up to. Now shut down any extra talk, and let her sweat even more.
Stay strong and keep using her meanness as fuel for yourself to keep doing the right thing.
Why bother, just move on. Your life will be better and making her sweat just means you care what she thinks. You will truly be better off when you don't.
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post #27 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 08:43 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Show me you have grown as a woman.
But she hasn't, at all. And she won't. She doesn't even want to.
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post #28 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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I think about R less and less and want it less and less. I really want it just for the kids, but she would have to make a complete transformation and she is too dumb and selfish for that.
Lethal mistake - attempting to force R for the kids' sake. Listen - your wayward wife doesn't even really want to save this sham of a marriage. She's exactly like my exww was at the beginning. Still in the "fog" and completely and utterly still into the other man and not thinking rationally - it's still 100% about her, her needs, her wants, her whims, her desires. I witnessed first hand what a beast of a person someone in an affair turns into (as have most of the people here). I get it - it's incredibly confounding and bewildering to watch this person you thought you knew and loved become a completely different, horrible person. It's a gigantic mind f*ck.

She doesn't want a true, solid, loving, faithful marriage - but she also doesn't want you to move on and she does NOT want to know that you are capable of moving on and being happy without her. That drives cheating women batsh*t insane. Seriously. "I don't want you, I want someone or something else, but nobody else can have you either". She's a classic narcissist. People like this are like spoiled children. They are playing with their beloved toy - they get bored of it and throw it away and pick up another toy - which is now the greatest toy in the world. It's their "soul toy". However, as soon as one of the other toddlers picks up the old toy she threw away - she throws a tantrum and wants that toy back. Until she gets bored of it again - once she has it back. This is not some far fetched analogy - this is reality.

The more you detach, the more you stop giving her info on what you're doing with your life, the less interest you show in her - the more she will manipulate you to try and kybosh that. You will probably see this as her somehow turning a corner and coming back to reality - coming back to you. But it's false. It's not genuine. And if you take her back (if she even gets to the point of wanting to be taken back), mark my words my friend - you will suffer. She will do it again. You will be right back here.

Kids do NOT do well in a house with a fake marriage. My kids of course had a hard time (we all did), but they are MUCH happier now and we are MUCH closer than when I was with my exww. The bond that my kids and I developed post split has grown into something amazing. We are a team - a real trio. An unbreakable bond. This can be an opportunity for you to free yourself from a toxic woman and forge an amazing bond (beyond what you have now) with your kids.

My exww flipped when she found out I had moved on. "I just can't believe how fast you got over me and moved on". Yeah, that's ****ing right. Because she proved she wasn't worthy of me. Once she realized that, she desperately wanted me back. I gave R a chance for a few weeks, then realized no way. I cannot and will not devote my life to someone who gave her body and soul to some pos while we were still married and thrusted a butcher knife into my back, then twisted it slowly. Do not ever do that to yourself.

Another thing - there's anger coming. Anger like you've never experienced before - especially if you get back with her. It's not nearly as bad if you are done and start D. It'll still come, but if you get back together with her, you will begin to seethe - poison will start coursing through your veins and your contempt and resentment towards this woman will cause you to say horrible things. And justly so.

I was warned of this and shrugged it off. Boy were they right. Don't fall prey brother. Respect yourself and your children.
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post #29 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 09:22 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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At this point understand the question is not what to do about the "issues" or "her needs" but what is she doing about the adultery??? That is the only question to be answered at this time. If she cannot figure that out and boldly accept that her choice to accept and introduce Adlutery into the marriage is her's alone responsibility.

You really want to reconcile start talking about triggers and how you will handle them. Talk about how you improve as a wife. Talk about our needs with a stess on how I will be made whole. Show me you have grown as a woman.
None of that is relevant. These are things to consider when you have a genuinely remorseful, contrite woman who knows she's done the worst thing she could ever possibly do, is totally sick over it and is desperate to save her marriage and seek forgiveness - willing to do anything for the rest of her life to make things right. Do you know how rare that is? This woman isn't even close to wanting to save this marriage, let alone any of that other stuff.

My exww actually got to that point during R. She told me every day, several times a day - "I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you", and she actually put that into action. She was genuinely remorseful and fought tooth and nail to save the marriage during our attempted R. She realized what she threw away, freaked out and then desperately tried to keep it afloat...all the while it was a slowly sinking ship. I wanted so badly to save my marriage and my family, but I realized...it was already dead - she had already killed it. So I filed. And now, 4 years later? She still tells me all the time that she desperately regrets making the "worst mistake of her life" and will never get over it. She still wants me back and sends inappropriate texts - and she's engaged to another guy! If I were her fiance - I'd be livid over how she communicates with me - I'd drop her like a sack of burning crap. And what does that tell me? I absolutely made the right decision. She would cheat with me in a heartbeat if I wanted that - and what does that say about the person she still is? A broken, dishonest, f'ed up woman incapable of having integrity and being faithful - just like your cheating wife.

I'm sorry to be harsh - but this is the reality of this mess.
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post #30 of 646 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

I absolutely understand and believe what everyone is saying. I am certain it will be miserable if we try to reconcile. But I do enjoy when she is begging me to come back, and I'm sad when she acts like she is fine. I don't know why though. But when she begs I detest her, and when she acts fine I want her to beg some more.

I messed up again earlier and talked a little bit to ask if she installed her alarm at home yet. I told her I have to go get some more of my stuff while she is gone.
She started asking questions so I told her I am leaving my parents and getting an apartment in a few days so I need a few pots and pans to cook. She started asking a bunch of questions about where it's at and who I am living with and how old they are and all that.

I want to tell her I am moving on and the offer for reconciliation is no longer open. But maybe I should wait until I get the last of my stuff out the house. Or should I not say anything at all?

And I'm not doing plan A right now or still supporting her like a couple posters said. I give just what the lawyer said I have to at this time. But it's not enough for her to pay all the bills.

She was being cooperative today and not trying to talk me into staying, but she said she feels like her chest hurts all day and she has nightmares at night. But she also suggested that I could take some furniture for the apartment.
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