Wife still cheating. I just filed for D - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 03:45 PM
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Cool Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Found out about my wifes affair a few months ago. She left and then we decided to try recovery after a week and she moved back home. I improved a lot but she started back contacting her affair partner and sneaking around.

I surprised her on the day before thanksgiving by informing her I filed for divorce a couple weeks prior and was moving out the next morning. I told her I didn't want to have any contact with her and she could keep the kids a week and I would keep them a week. They are 3 and 5 years old. I told her that if she eventually wants to end the affair and try a real recovery, to let me know. But for the meantime I want no contact at all.

When I told her I was leaving and the following morning, she was crying and saying she just wanted time to end the affair on her own. I told her it doesn't work that way. I wasn't mean or anything, but told her its too late and my decision is final.

I still have a few things to get from the house, so she caught me yesterday. She was saying all kind of things like from wanting me to stay at home with kids for Christmas and special events to us being "roommates". She asked if I was going to go out partying and stuff and sleep with other people. I told her I cant sleep with anyone until I heal from her affair. She then asked if we could have sex, but I told her no.

She texted me a few more times that evening. But I told her I didn't want to talk and that I was going to block her if she kept texting me. She texted me a picture of a marriage book I tried to get her to read the past few months, to let me know she was finally reading it.

She is acting like she is improving all the things I complained about, but she still has never mentioned ending the affair. I guess she wants me to continue being a babysitter and financial support so she can continue texting her affair partner everyday. She wants us to work on the marriage while she talks to him everyday, thinking she will eventually like me better and be able to quit him for good.

So what should I do? The first day or two when I told her I was leaving, I felt good. Like I was free and she would finally see how hard life is without me. But since I broke my no contact with her, I am depressed a little today and thinking about going back home. Its going to really be sad tomorrow when she takes the kids for a week and I am alone.

Should I go completely dark with no contact, or talk a little when she contacts me? I told her I will work on the marriage one day if she ends the affair and if she doesn't, I will already be well on my way to a new and better life.
I'd highly advise against it! Your "Willie" might accidentally fall off from an acquired case of "sloppy seconds jungle rot!"

In all seriousness, get ready to embrace a new life with someone who absolutely loves you for who you are!



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #17 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 04:33 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Found out about my wifes affair a few months ago. She left and then we decided to try recovery after a week and she moved back home. I improved a lot but she started back contacting her affair partner and sneaking around.

I surprised her on the day before thanksgiving by informing her I filed for divorce a couple weeks prior and was moving out the next morning. I told her I didn't want to have any contact with her and she could keep the kids a week and I would keep them a week. They are 3 and 5 years old. I told her that if she eventually wants to end the affair and try a real recovery, to let me know. But for the meantime I want no contact at all.

When I told her I was leaving and the following morning, she was crying and saying she just wanted time to end the affair on her own. I told her it doesn't work that way. I wasn't mean or anything, but told her its too late and my decision is final.

I still have a few things to get from the house, so she caught me yesterday. She was saying all kind of things like from wanting me to stay at home with kids for Christmas and special events to us being "roommates". She asked if I was going to go out partying and stuff and sleep with other people. I told her I cant sleep with anyone until I heal from her affair. She then asked if we could have sex, but I told her no.

She texted me a few more times that evening. But I told her I didn't want to talk and that I was going to block her if she kept texting me. She texted me a picture of a marriage book I tried to get her to read the past few months, to let me know she was finally reading it.

She is acting like she is improving all the things I complained about, but she still has never mentioned ending the affair. I guess she wants me to continue being a babysitter and financial support so she can continue texting her affair partner everyday. She wants us to work on the marriage while she talks to him everyday, thinking she will eventually like me better and be able to quit him for good.

So what should I do? The first day or two when I told her I was leaving, I felt good. Like I was free and she would finally see how hard life is without me. But since I broke my no contact with her, I am depressed a little today and thinking about going back home. Its going to really be sad tomorrow when she takes the kids for a week and I am alone.

Should I go completely dark with no contact, or talk a little when she contacts me? I told her I will work on the marriage one day if she ends the affair and if she doesn't, I will already be well on my way to a new and better life.
Your only mistake is not ending it period. She has real emotional problems which take years to fix, unless she is committed to fixing them. That means treating them like an alcoholic would treat their addictions. Unless she is willing to do that kind of work she will never be a safe partner. You will just be back her in another 10 years. Save yourself the time and the headaches, detach and move on.
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post #18 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 04:55 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

You are right on target dude, don't second guess yourself. I understand that it is hard, but you need to stick to your guns, as long as she is in a relationship with another man there is nothing to talk about. You should respond to questions about the children, legal or financial issues. She wants to eat her cake and have it too, well that is a no go. I know it will be hard no seeing the children for a week and contact with them during her week should depend on how they handle the situation. If the children want to talk to you on the phone, then you need to do what is in their best interest. Naturally, if they call you during her week the same is true during your week, so I would avoid if possible. You are going to go through a roller coaster of emotions with good days and bad days. This is a very natural thing and just understand it will happen. When you have the kids, do as many fun things as you can with them. When they are with her, that is time for you do get back into a hobby you may have ignored or start one you have always wanted to do. I encourage you to start an exercise program, it will help with the stress and make a healthier you. Now is also a good time to take inventory of the relationship and look for those things that you could have done better. Change those things that you can, whether it is for this or the next relationship. You need to consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but need to know your rights. I would also save guard your finances.
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post #19 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 05:26 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

It sounds like you are doing the right things. Have courage!

Sometimes the right things for us are the most painful things - but only for a while. If you continue with the divorce, your pain will be short-lived; if you stay with her, you will most likely be in pain for as long as you stay married.

When you are in h3ll, keep going. It's the only way through. It will be hard for a month or so, but then it will get magically easier. Imagine that you have a serious illness that you have to heal from. It's painful at first & then the healing begins and you gradually feel better. The infidelity is your illness now and you have to suffer the pain, but it is not a forever pain. One thing that will help is a proven strategy for detaching:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Follow the 180 and you will find yourself feeling stronger and healthier surprisingly quickly. Don't cave and go back to her. She's still in the affair and you are plan B. Stick to your guns and be your own plan A.
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post #20 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Thanks. I already exposed to the other man's wife. They had recently separated but she didn't know it was about an affair. My wife was furious about that too. I exposed to some of my wife's friends and family. The OM's ex wife exposed to their job which eventually lead to them getting fired. My wife flipped out too and ruined her chance for a reference. She since found a new much worse job though.

It kind of socks because 2 days ago when I told her I paid the lawyer and was leaving, she was finally sad and scared and almost begging me to stay. The next day she mentioned sex and being roommates and was wanting me to stay with her and the kids for Christmas and special occasions. Today though, she is back to acting like her typical wayward self. She has a tone like she is perfectly fine and wants us to be friends for the kids sake.

I have been telling her not to speak to me at all unless it's an emergency for the kids. I said to call my mom if she needs to know anything about the kids or arrange to pick up/drop off. She said "we have to be friends since we have kids together. We can't be enemies like you are making us out to be."

I don't really know how to respond. I was going to say "once again, do not speak to me. I am moving forward with my life. If you end your affair, we can maybe see what happens. But I am getting on with my life."

What should I say? Or just continue to ignore?
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post #21 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Also, the above thread about 180 sounds like that is for spouses living together. Should I accept her wish for me to stay at home with her and the kids for Christmas night so I can show her how happy and free I am? Or continue to stay away and do the 180 alone myself?
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post #22 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:23 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Thanks. I already exposed to the other man's wife. They had recently separated but she didn't know it was about an affair. My wife was furious about that too. I exposed to some of my wife's friends and family. The OM's ex wife exposed to their job which eventually lead to them getting fired. My wife flipped out too and ruined her chance for a reference. She since found a new much worse job though.

It kind of socks because 2 days ago when I told her I paid the lawyer and was leaving, she was finally sad and scared and almost begging me to stay. The next day she mentioned sex and being roommates and was wanting me to stay with her and the kids for Christmas and special occasions. Today though, she is back to acting like her typical wayward self. She has a tone like she is perfectly fine and wants us to be friends for the kids sake.

I have been telling her not to speak to me at all unless it's an emergency for the kids. I said to call my mom if she needs to know anything about the kids or arrange to pick up/drop off. She said "we have to be friends since we have kids together. We can't be enemies like you are making us out to be."

I don't really know how to respond. I was going to say "once again, do not speak to me. I am moving forward with my life. If you end your affair, we can maybe see what happens. But I am getting on with my life."

What should I say? Or just continue to ignore?
"You've been my enemy for some time now. Hopefully some day you won't be. Honestly, though, that's up to you. To achieve that, you'll have to stop doing exactly the types of things that enemies do to one another.

Still... you will NEVER again be my friend. At best you'll be the mother of my children, but in all other ways you'll be as close to a non-entity to me as possible.

You'll be the person at the checkout counter at the grocery store, the person that delivers my mail, or the person that brings my lunch to me -- you'll have the opportunity to interact with me in very specific ways only, and therefore see glimpses of a singular facet of my life, but you'll NEVER again be given the opportunity to exist within my inner circle."

No more talk of ending the affair! For as long as you're saying that crap, she knows that you're firmly within her thrall.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #23 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:24 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
also, the above thread about 180 sounds like that is for spouses living together. Should i accept her wish for me to stay at home with her and the kids for christmas night so i can show her how happy and free i am? Or continue to stay away and do the 180 alone myself?
180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180 180

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 11-26-2016 at 09:14 PM.
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post #24 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

1 more thing: her dad and his side of the family were never exposed to and know nothing. Can I send her dad a message and say "I just wanted you to know I divorced your daughter. She has been having an affair and refused to end it. I still care about you and the rest of the family and will always help with anything you need".

She will be mad but I don't want her to lie to them and introduce the affair partner as someone she just started dating.
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post #25 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:31 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

I would explain to her that you have no intention of ever being her enemy, but reiterate that the only discussions you care to have with her involve the kids. Deliver this with no emotion, no hostility, no tears. But poolitely inform her that there will be legal consequences if she introduces the children to her boyfriend at this point, or if she slanders you in any way to the children or family members. Tell her that you do not intend to spend Christmas with her, and that you expect to have the kids from X o'clock to Y o'clock. She will have them when they're not with you, but the other man will not be present when she has them.

I would not offer any more chances at reconciliation, even if it's something you'd still consider. When speaking with her, you should treat her as if the marriage is entirely over already. Do not entertain any more manipulation from her, or her attempts to keep one foot in the door. If she starts to talk about reconciliation, you should wait until the point where she is begging and then lay out very strict conditions which we will give you here. If the conversations become emotional, tell her to put it in writing so that you not get reeled into some tearful discussion where you confess your undying love for her, or otherwise say something you'll later regret. The more she's able to reel you, the farther away she'll get from reconciliation, ironically.

Remove half of the money in all accounts and put it in an account in your name only. Do all of this without informing her. Redirect your employer's direct deposit to the new accounts.

You should expose to as many people as possible, including her father. Do it politely without name-calling or otherwise denigrating her. Make sure he understands that you've been faithful to her for every day of your marriage. Tell her Dad that you regret he will no longer be a part of your life, but that you hope you and he will stay in touch.

We're pulling for you. Stay with us. You'll get good advice here.

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post #26 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:53 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

You know what she thinks when you say "end the affair and we'll see what happens"?

Your WW- "Cool....plan B ain't going nowhere"

Collin, the OM's wife.......is she hot?
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post #27 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 07:58 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
1 more thing: her dad and his side of the family were never exposed to and know nothing. Can I send her dad a message and say "I just wanted you to know I divorced your daughter. She has been having an affair and refused to end it. I still care about you and the rest of the family and will always help with anything you need".

She will be mad but I don't want her to lie to them and introduce the affair partner as someone she just started dating.
Definitely expose to them as well.

I might modify that last line a bit, though. Maybe remove everything after the word "family".

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #28 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 08:03 PM
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Exposure should be done without warning before she has a chance to make you out the bad guy. Do it all at once. She'll be PO'd but let her deal with it.
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post #29 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 08:08 PM
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They want to be friends to alleviate guilt and be able to say "see he's ok with what I've done"!

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. She's not your friend.

Again engagement with her will just prolong your stay in limbo h3ll.

Be a civil coparent and keep a hard 180.
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post #30 of 497 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Also, the above thread about 180 sounds like that is for spouses living together. Should I accept her wish for me to stay at home with her and the kids for Christmas night so I can show her how happy and free I am? Or continue to stay away and do the 180 alone myself?
NO!!!!!!


The 180 is for you to detach permanently and move on with your life. She wants this it's not for you. Why would you want to stay in this mess. You can be a great father without her. Be civil and short nothing more. Never be a doormat to anyone. You're better than that.

If you want to be able to have a life all holidays, etc should be separate. Do you really want to sit across the table with her boyfriend? She wants you to be ok with her actions.
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