Wife still cheating. I just filed for D - Page 34 - Talk About Marriage
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post #496 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

ANY person who says 'if you won't have me then I'll have to go to him/her' is a big ball of mess.

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post #497 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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ANY person who says 'if you won't have me then I'll have to go to him/her' is a big ball of mess.
And stoopid. Ya can't fix stoopid...
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post #498 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

@collin8550,

A mature, healthy person would say "I am making the choice to love you. This isn't pressure or temptation or manipulation--I'm just stating what I have decided to do. You are completely free to choose to love back or to choose to NOT love--that's up to you. My decision is to act toward you in a kind, caring, loving way because that is who I have decided to be. You get to choose who YOU want to be." And then the mature, healthy person would have their actions match their words. In other words, whether you loved back or not, they would ACT in a way that was loving, tender, affectionate, and thoughtful.

What she is doing is trying to manipulate you into loving her. That is NOT loving!! That is selfish!!

So nothing has changed. She is still all about her-her-her. She has not thought of you one moment, nor treated you with any respect, consideration, dignity, devotion or generosity.

When you see someone treating you with kindness, caring, loyalty, companionship, tenderness, affection, thoughtfulness, respect, consideration, passion, warmth, dignity, devotion, civility, and generosity ALL WITHOUT SAYING A THING or making any promises...then that is someone who is LOVING you. All this other stuff is hot air that passed over her vocal chords and contributed to global warming.


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post #499 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 06:45 PM Thread Starter
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Great responses. Thank y'all.

So do y'all think she is crazier than the typical WW or exactly the same?

We go thru this same cycle every month or 6 weeks where she texts wanting to get back together, I ignore, then she acts like it never happened and she goes on acting happy and content and eventually mean and then back to trying again. This time though, she was acting more desperate and trying to get me to come home longer than before.

I doubt OM dumped her though. Because she has stopped talking to him before for a while and "tried to end it". And I don't see why OM would dump her when he can get sex and have freedom while WW is at work, and he doesn't have to deal with her kids.
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post #500 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

I think her going back to OM was something in the childish spirit of "You can't fire me, I QUIT!" And her offer was something like "Want me back? Act now! Limited time only!"

Honestly, you were supposed to be insanely jealous once you found out that you were second choice for the second time, and this was going to pump up her ego even more. Just ignore her.
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post #501 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

She's not crazy. She just can't handle the fact that you dumped her. Her fragile ego cannot withstand that. If you were to go to her today and beg her back, cry and plead to reconcile, her quest would be fulfilled, and in that same moment she would dump you for good. She doesn't want you Collin. She just wants to hear you say that you want her back and that you made a mistake.

This isn't about love. It is about her being right. It is about her being vindicated.

She is selfish, self righteous, hypocritical, amoral, mercenary and entitled... but crazy? No.
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post #502 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Great responses. Thank y'all.

So do y'all think she is crazier than the typical WW or exactly the same?

We go thru this same cycle every month or 6 weeks where she texts wanting to get back together, I ignore, then she acts like it never happened and she goes on acting happy and content and eventually mean and then back to trying again. This time though, she was acting more desperate and trying to get me to come home longer than before.

I doubt OM dumped her though. Because she has stopped talking to him before for a while and "tried to end it". And I don't see why OM would dump her when he can get sex and have freedom while WW is at work, and he doesn't have to deal with her kids.
My ExW did this for 5.5 years. Almost word for word.
The cycles will get longer and longer as she "tries to end it". Somewhere inside she knows that you were providing more than a safe harbour. You were her emotional filter and source of appropriate responses. She doesn't want you though. She wants him. This is why she is "trying" to give him up and failing

You are totally right that you are required in their relationship... Going grey rock rather than totally dark works best here.
Just be as uninteresting and boring as you can be. Reveal nothing of your feelings or life. Lie to her about your life as it improves. If she thinks you are unhappy and pining for her she will leave you alone as you are fulfilling your role
Look up spartanlifecoach on youtube.

She was damaged and broken well before you ever met her and your life will change to something much better once you start rebuilding your life in the way you want. Take time to find your own life again.
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post #503 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Great responses. Thank y'all.

So do y'all think she is crazier than the typical WW or exactly the same?

We go thru this same cycle every month or 6 weeks where she texts wanting to get back together, I ignore, then she acts like it never happened and she goes on acting happy and content and eventually mean and then back to trying again. This time though, she was acting more desperate and trying to get me to come home longer than before. ...
According to statics there is no such thing as a "typical WW" because all WW's are atypical! LOL (~she says speaking as a former WW)

@collin8550, a very, VERY small number of WW's are good people who were stupid. I'd give an educated guess of less than 5%, because it is very rare for a person to be a good person and do such an evil thing. Yet there are a few who are good at their foundation and yet they're hit with the perfect storm, do a horrible thing, and then truly repent of it and do the work to repair what they destroyed.

A good portion of WW's are VERY mixed up in their priorities--that is to say rather than making their marriage and their family a priority, they put the focus on their own SELF or their right to "happiness" etc. They are entitled to everything they want! Thus, if the marriage isn't "making them happy" at the moment, they dump the marriage with no looking back. Usually this type of WW would be the walkaway wife or the one who has a history of jumping from place to place, and they feel little to no remorse. In their view why should they? Their #1 priority is self- AND their happiness or not is someone else's responsibility!

Another good portion of WW's are too proud to admit they made a mistake. You can tell that they know they DID make the wrong choice, but rather than eat some crow and recover, they go to crazy lengths in order to justify what they know is wrong. It gets more and More and MORE absurd, but they still stiffen their neck and get all stubborn and refuse to take the dent to their personal pride. You can see the train wreck coming. They can see the train wreck coming too, but they refuse to stop and so they end up the rest of their life living with a redneck in a trailer park because "he's the love of her life" or some malarkey. Okay what can you do?

The last group of WW's are like your WW. You can't explain it: they are just crazy. The more you try to understand it, the more confused you get...and that's because you can't understand mental illness. Something within is literally BROKEN (even beyond the self-centered, entitled ones) and the more you look for similarities or triggers or .... the more YOU feel crazy because you can't understand them! It's SO PERPLEXING!! But the thing with these WW's is that it's not you being unable to think--it's them. They are inconsistent. Often they act and react based on what they are feeling IN THE MOMENT, not based on intellect or on a conclusion they've reached. So you can't put them in the analysis machine and come out with something like "OH! If I do X and Y, she feels A and B ...so if I don't want her to feel A and B I should stop doing X and Y" (You know? A consistent conclusion!) Today if you do X and Y she makes love to you...and tomorrow if you do X and Y she rages and leaves you. So... WTF?

So @collin8550 she's not the most crazy WW I've ever seen, nor is she that much crazier than some I've seen. But I will say that something is not right with her. You mentioned yourself it's a cycle. Normal people with healthy mental health don't cycle, and they don't cycle that REGULARLY. You can almost put this on the calendar: "Oh next week will be crazy week." Well that's a clue right there! She's got issues and they ARE mental health issues! Now, I can't diagnose based on an anonymous forum--clearly! But I recognize mental health problems when I see--just sayin'


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post #504 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 08:23 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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I think her going back to OM was something in the childish spirit of "You can't fire me, I QUIT!" And her offer was something like "Want me back? Act now! Limited time only!"

Honestly, you were supposed to be insanely jealous once you found out that you were second choice for the second time, and this was going to pump up her ego even more. Just ignore her.
I think it's the type of woman who (1) is entitled and (2) grew up thinking she's not whole unless she has a man claiming her. Neither type is good marriage material. She has a whole lot of growing up to do; don't let it happen on your watch. Plenty of better choices out there.
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post #505 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 08:53 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks everyone.

Inging, what happened after 5.5 years to get the wayward to stop bothering you? And what do you mean the cycles will get longer and longer? Does that mean she will bother for longer to come home, or instead of bothering me for a week every month, it will stretch out to be every 2 months then every 3 months etc.?

She hasn't bothered me at all today, and we saw eachother at my son's baseball game and she pretty much left me alone. Last time she acted like this, I figured she had moved on and I would have some peace, but she eventually started bothering me again. She said the other day that she got on antidepressants, so maybe that will break the cycle.

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post #506 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-24-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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And stoopid. Ya can't fix stoopid...
Why bring Alice Cooper into this?
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post #507 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-24-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Thanks everyone.

Inging, what happened after 5.5 years to get the wayward to stop bothering you? And what do you mean the cycles will get longer and longer? Does that mean she will bother for longer to come home, or instead of bothering me for a week every month, it will stretch out to be every 2 months then every 3 months etc.?

She hasn't bothered me at all today, and we saw eachother at my son's baseball game and she pretty much left me alone. Last time she acted like this, I figured she had moved on and I would have some peace, but she eventually started bothering me again. She said the other day that she got on antidepressants, so maybe that will break the cycle.
Collin..... she is FAR FAR FAR FAR from done with you. Even though her walls are closing,

she still sees you as her de facto H. I swear by this. Be glad you are on the outside looking in.

Just remember..... this is NOT the woman who loved you like no other. She is in survival mode now.

OM knows this, she ain't his first married woman tryst. The only pull she has with you are the

kids..... and her last resort......... her vagina.
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post #508 of 646 (permalink) Old 05-25-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Collins, I think it is time for you to date a girl even on causal basis. To me it looks like you are spending some emotional energy on WW ambivalence. Who wants to bother about some thing that has gone beyond stale.
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post #509 of 646 (permalink) Old 06-02-2017, 01:52 PM Thread Starter
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I was dating a lot but now I feel like I just want to be single a while. I took the kids to the beach last weekend, and it was so nice being able to do what ever we wanted and eat wherever we wanted without having to worry about accommodating a wife or girlfriend.

WW has been going all out the past 2 days. I think I had something like 91 texts yesterday. She's getting more desperate. She was actually begging for me to come home and saying she realizes I was right and she was wrong about the affair. She also said she will give me all her passwords and phone and all that.

I ignored her and she ended up calling my house a couple times but I told her to stop calling and that I wasn't coming home. But that didn't stop her from texting 50 more times.

She has slacked off today though. She sent a ton of texts about signing the kids up for swimming lessons but nothing about getting back together. But every time she goes thru one of these phases where she tries to get me to come home, she keeps saying she will stop talking to OM. She never says they ended the affair, but always that she WILL end the affair. And I notice she never says "I love you" pretty much everything except that.
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post #510 of 646 (permalink) Old 06-02-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

-Look at me Collin..... look at me!!!! I'm going to try and be a good mommy now. And...and....and

if you come home, I'll be the W you thought I was.- What's funny.... even IF the OM is still around,

which I doubt (she just wants leverage), she is actually Plan B'ing him. LMFAO

She must be the type who just can't stand being alone. These never learn or grow... they just

bounce from one person to another aimlessly. Wondering WTF they can't find anyone.

When do the text bombs usually start, when kids with you or her? Is there anything your lawyer

can do to reduce all these messages? But until she finds a new guy... this will not end.

Sad thing is.... even if she does find a chump.... when it's over or nearing over, she will start back

up with you, texting begging. She thought she knew what she wanted, got it, regrets it, and

keeps trying to hit the "re-set" button. What many WS do not realize.... Life is not a dress rehearsal
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