So to OP collin8550: You are all over the place, it sucks but its normal. (fear, love, anger, dispair - sometimes all in a matter of minutes) but you must continue 180 and consider her gone, continue divorce. That can always be stopped. Hell, we told the judge we are working on R we were told we can postpone things. I said "nope", going to let that part run its course.
She seems to say she wants back, but she isn't ready for it. (I forgot is you exposed or not. You should to the family.) As you have said the following:
""you don't understand what he is to me and how he cares about me." Basically that sounds like "I want to be with him and have his family and my family be OK with it and not think I am bad."
= She cares about herself more than you going by your "sounds like". But what SHE said is what ALL women cheaters say. "It's special, you DON'T understand" in reality, there is nothing special. If the OM cared, he wouldn't have wrecked her life or played her... or accept such a relationship. (Man or woman, doesn't matter). Your kids and family are NOT okay with it, that doesn't happen. As soon as the realizes that there was NO special thing, the attractiveness of the AP goes down.
"you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"
I wanted to tell her I didn't do the "ripping". But I let it go.
You are correct, she did the ripping. This is the consequences. Many of us had tried to explain that to our waywards. They don't see it. Its YOU being controlling, taking away their candy.
Anyway, if you feel that she wants to do R, tell her to do her part to prove herself. Hand her a book, which I'll link below. But overall, limit your communications with her. If you want to give her the book and she has any reasoning in her brain, she may start to "get it".
The book : How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/14...?ie=UTF8&psc=1
It's a short read designed for the cheater. I consider it a tool to help through part of the fog. It's only a start.
Also get "Not just friends" : https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Frie...84HAT6DF28G1RW
Overall, women are twice as likely than men to NOT want to really do R. About 65% are gone for good. And it takes WORK to do R.