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post #61 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 12:46 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Yes, you expose to all her important people. Technically, however, you're only supposed to expose if you're trying to save the marriage. Are you?
I generally support exposure (circumstances can change that advice) to prevent the WS from controlling the narrative, isolating the betrayed, and turning all common friends/family/acquaintances against them.

It gives you the chance to turn all their resources against them first. From there you can negotiate with strength. I also think it's also less likely that the in-laws will make you out to be a monster to your own kids when you're not around if they know the truth, and if you're openly working to make sure they have a good relationship with your kids.

But I'm a scorched earth campaign kind of guy...


Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #62 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 12:55 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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She has a tone like she is perfectly fine and wants us to be friends for the kids sake.

She said "we have to be friends since we have kids together. We can't be enemies like you are making us out to be."
Many WS want to be friends with their BS after a divorce. Part of the motivation is because the BS is in a unique position. They’re like the one priest that can offer their BS absolution for their sins. If the BS acts like they’ve forgiven their WS how can anyone else not forgive them or complain. “Your father forgave me, why can’t you?” If friends see the two of you having a great time at Chuck E. Cheese's then they will think that what she did must not have been all that bad.
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post #63 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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She exposed to her mom the same day she exposed the affair to me. Her mom is a hardcore enabler and even let her use her phone to keep me from seeing OM's number on our bill. So she gets a lot of reassurance from her mother.
Not needed since you're divorcing, but you don't let the CHEATER do the exposing. And if they say they exposed, you don't believe them because they won't tell the truth and they will spin it so THEY look good and YOU look bad. Always go back to the people they supposedly exposed to and tell the the real truth. IIWY I would write her mom a note telling her what really happened.

And then ask your lawyer how things are going on.
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post #64 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Who are you??? Seriously, who are you?

You are so far ahead of the curve than 99.99% of the BS who come here. Spoke to Lawyer, while staying in the house would be idea staying with parents for custody reasons, expousre all done.

Friends vs allies. You can be allies with a person you detest. The French are actually staunch allies but ****ty friends. A French business partner while being extremely honest with your money would be shocked you ended the business arrangement because he is screwing his wife.

Dating, seek out social circles, socialize and heal. If she brings up the subject again bluntly tell her I am socializing with friends. If I meet someone I meet them and I would not consider it adultery at this point.

Her Dad, while blood is thicker than water take time to speak with him respectfully and seek his advice from time to time. Express shock at his ex-wife's enabling. He could be a guy who marred a woman like your wife and due to custody laws got screwed out of raising his daughter. He could very much welcome an opportunity to be a part of his grandchildren. You do not know him so proceed carefully.

Read other threads here do many are "what not to do".

Two other quotes for you to consider. The first is remorse vs regrets.


Getting it - remorse*

This post I wrote based on a comment made in response by a BW to another WW. *The WW had a one year adulterous PA & EA relationship with a MM cow. *The the P/A occurred when ever he traveled for work which often. *The WW wrote how when he traveled she found herself missing MM and the relationship while refusing to break NC, except for work, and felt torn with the need to reach out to MOM. * In short she was filled with regret for the adultery, she mourned its ending and miss it. *This is the response a BW wrote to the WS

This is what the BW wrote: I'm a BS. I do have compassion & understanding. I recognize that this is a forum & NOT a portal into your brain!

You post what's on your mind & what you would like help with so PLEASE take this as nothing more than a rant from a BS who's telling you what I would love to happen in my life...not a criticism.

When I read the above post my gut reaction is, "Ugh!! Another clueless WS!! She's so far from getting it!".*

As a WS your thoughts need to be.... 'When my H went out of town I would be excited because I knew I had all that time to spend with my AP. OMG!! My POOR HUSBAND he must be living a nightmare!! If I'm triggering like this he must be triggering 1,000,000,000,000 times WORSE!!'

To continue this line of thought. *Every time you smiled and hugged your AP was a stolen smile and hug from your BS. *You chose to leave your BS outside alone cold and alone on a winter nights while warm and comfortable in a home with the AP. *

You have heard the expression "makes life worth living"? *Somethings that expression are applied to are wrong. *There are moments that are life and without them there is no life. *Adultery destroys life because you have denied something to your spouse, given it to another, leaving your spouse to slowly writher and die on the vine. *

They NEED you to get-it, really truly get-it. I don't think few ever will. Without it I don't think a BS will ever heal.*

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #65 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 01:42 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by Graywolf2 View Post
Many WS want to be friends with their BS after a divorce. Part of the motivation is because the BS is in a unique position. They’re like the one priest that can offer their BS absolution for their sins. If the BS acts like they’ve forgiven their WS how can anyone else not forgive them or complain. “Your father forgave me, why can’t you?” If friends see the two of you having a great time at Chuck E. Cheese's then they will think that what she did must not have been all that bad.
You flipped my opinion about 30%. At my age that is a lot.

I can intellectually forgive almost anything. Emotionally, not much.

You have cemented my belief that there can be no absolution "out loud". What the mind and heart feels shall always remain silent.

Consequences have silent roots.

Without roots the acorn that follows the destruction of its tree born deliverance, will follow suit. It too will die.... unnoticed.

In Vain and in Vein.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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post #66 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 03:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

90% of the time I want her to agree to reconcile so I can tell her no. The other 10% I actually want to reconcile.
Either way, I hope her life becomes hell thru the divorce and after, just for karma sake. My biggest fear is OM moves in my house, the kids love him, and they win the lottery and live happily ever after.

Best case, she realizes eventually he is not very good, end up having to sell the house, and she begs me to come back but I am already in love with someone else.

Why does so many people say not to date anyone right at first?

And to answer a previous posters question: OM's wife is about as attractive as my wife, maybe slightly more. OM though is ugly, bald and makes less money than me and looks much older than he is. He is also 7 years older than my wife and whiny and takes lots of medicine for depression and stuff.
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post #67 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 04:26 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

House should be sold proceeds split and both of you find other places. Why would you let her have the house to began with. You are going for joint custody right, then put the house up for sale. Talk with the lawyer about it but push for selling the home.
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post #68 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 04:30 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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OM though is ugly, bald and makes less money than me and looks much older than he is. He is also 7 years older than my wife and whiny and takes lots of medicine for depression and stuff.
It is very common for a wayward spouse to affair down. My ex fiance had at least 2 boyfriends that I could verify. One was a total loser. No job/under paying job, car always on the verge of repossession, could not save a dime to save his life and butt ugly.

I will never understand what she liked about him.
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post #69 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 04:39 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

It takes the brain - your psychology, your subconscious - at least a year to process all the thoughts that will go through your head, all the feelings, all the kneejerk reactions, the pain, the doubt, the hatred, the self-hatred, the second guessing, that you'll go through as you watch your marriage end. Longer if you've been married longer. Any person you try to date before you've done that is only a patsy and about to get hurt as you use her to make yourself feel better.

And, you need to learn to be ok by yourself BEFORE you date anyone. If you can't be alone and be ok with it, any woman you pick will have an advantage over you and it will make you a weak man.
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post #70 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 05:39 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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It is very common for a wayward spouse to affair down. My ex fiance had at least 2 boyfriends that I could verify. One was a total loser. No job/under paying job, car always on the verge of repossession, could not save a dime to save his life and butt ugly.



I will never understand what she liked about him.

Maybe she felt superior to them and inferior to you.

Maybe same with OP's wife.

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post #71 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 05:54 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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90% of the time I want her to agree to reconcile so I can tell her no. The other 10% I actually want to reconcile.
Either way, I hope her life becomes hell thru the divorce and after, just for karma sake. My biggest fear is OM moves in my house, the kids love him, and they win the lottery and live happily ever after.

Best case, she realizes eventually he is not very good, end up having to sell the house, and she begs me to come back but I am already in love with someone else.

Why does so many people say not to date anyone right at first?

And to answer a previous posters question: OM's wife is about as attractive as my wife, maybe slightly more. OM though is ugly, bald and makes less money than me and looks much older than he is. He is also 7 years older than my wife and whiny and takes lots of medicine for depression and stuff.

I am going to chime in. Been trying to hover from time to time. Going to give you advice from one who has been there and done that. First of all as far as your children are concerned, get that out of you mind. Right now fear is your worst enemy more so than your wife. Please read the book "Grow a Pair".

Now do not engage except for your children. Expose to everyone so that she cannot control the narrative. Let her know any communications are through your lawyer and as you have been advised follow the 180. It works.

Lastly, do not display and weakness and play the pick me dance. Do that there is a 100% chance you lose. Everything you do as it relates to her needs to be done from a position of strength. Never let her see you sweat. Focus on yourself. Exercise helps take the edge off.

Good luck with whatever course you choose.

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #72 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 06:20 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
90% of the time I want her to agree to reconcile so I can tell her no. The other 10% I actually want to reconcile.
Either way, I hope her life becomes hell thru the divorce and after, just for karma sake. My biggest fear is OM moves in my house, the kids love him, and they win the lottery and live happily ever after.

Best case, she realizes eventually he is not very good, end up having to sell the house, and she begs me to come back but I am already in love with someone else.

Why does so many people say not to date anyone right at first?

And to answer a previous posters question: OM's wife is about as attractive as my wife, maybe slightly more. OM though is ugly, bald and makes less money than me and looks much older than he is. He is also 7 years older than my wife and whiny and takes lots of medicine for depression and stuff.
If she doesn't have any remourse you have no chance at reconciliation.

Many jump at the chance which is a huge mistake. Her actions will tell you what you need to know. Your heart wants this badly but you'd better use your head unless you want more pain. There are better out there.

Beware!!!!!
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post #73 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 06:27 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Quote:
Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
90% of the time I want her to agree to reconcile so I can tell her no. The other 10% I actually want to reconcile.
Either way, I hope her life becomes hell thru the divorce and after, just for karma sake. My biggest fear is OM moves in my house, the kids love him, and they win the lottery and live happily ever after.

Best case, she realizes eventually he is not very good, end up having to sell the house, and she begs me to come back but I am already in love with someone else.

Why does so many people say not to date anyone right at first?

And to answer a previous posters question: OM's wife is about as attractive as my wife, maybe slightly more. OM though is ugly, bald and makes less money than me and looks much older than he is. He is also 7 years older than my wife and whiny and takes lots of medicine for depression and stuff.
I read your description of your "oh, so personal" POSOM. I note: he is not very attractive on the surface. He is not likely very attractive, deep down. As a married skunk, he cheated with a married women.

His insides are worms.

Your wife. the former love of your life, that wife with the formerly warm lips, nice smile, comforting arms, has left you. Her curvy hips and moist nether regions given to another man.

O-POSOM has something you don't. Something not evident. He is inferior to you, is less handsome than you, is less happy then you.

How is this possible?

Your wife wanted to be Master of her Destiny, She wanted 100% obedience and admiration from him. As a lesser man, he fit the role. His round smooth bald head, his soft round body fit and filled the round hole in her head. He that is low, makes her taller....in her cloud filled mind.

Oh, remember one thing for next time, with the next warm missus. An ugly man stole your wife. He made her feel important and wanted. This biggest baddest man can be taken down by a patient talkative teddy bear. A teddy bear with the heart of a weasel.

The great Achilles was taken down by a narrow shouldered boy. A boy with a taut hard bow....and a sharp well-aimed arrow with a mushroom tip.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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post #74 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 06:44 PM
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Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

I am going against the majority to advise OP not to underestimate the OM. As SunCMars points out, he has one or more things that fill a need for the cheating wife.

OP might have 90% of what his wife wants and needs but she is willing to cheat to get that other 10%. We call it cake eating. She wants both.

And don't underestimate what wife is willing to do to try to keep that 10%.
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post #75 of 390 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 07:21 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

OP,
As you move forward in this nightmare you must come the absolute realization that your WW is not thinking clearly, if at all. Some have said that the OM fills a need in her. Let us ponder that. The need to lie, the need to deceive, the need to act immorally, the need to defile her character, the need to place her "trust" in a man that is actively betraying the last woman he vowed to love forever, the need to exemplify dishonor to her children, the need to destroy her family, the need to risk STDs and the list could go on. It is evident that the OM does fill many of your W's needs. However there is one real need that he could only fill if he were Dr. Frankenstein and that is her need for a brain.

You cannot read the above paragraph and honestly believe that your WW is a rational, reasonable individual. Therefore it is simply unrealistic to expect any form of rational, reasonable behavior from her. R is something that requires far and away more intellect than your WW has. This is regrettable but absolutely true. To expect more from her is to invite disappointment. Stay your course. There are women out there that do not have the needs listed in the first paragraph and therefore no need for an OM to fill them. When you find such a woman you will then have a foundation on which to build your family. I wish you good fortune

Peace and long life
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