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post #91 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 06:42 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

"But there will always be a scar on my heart from ripping it out of my chest"

yep. but that, with time, may pass As long as there was not hidden stuff, like other affairs going on that you do not know about but suspect, that pain will probably pass.

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post #92 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 07:14 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Here is a second classic and then I will stop for the day. Print both theses out and in the next few days as you stare at the walls read them and and start a journal.


Hobbies how to*

Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and don't be scared away from this site by the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.
Having said that, here's some of my advice&questions, some already mentioned:

1. Go see a GOOD lawyer IMMEDIATELY! Don't let her know you've been to see one. Just so you know your options and that you'll be acting from a position of knowledge of your legal situation.

2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges. I know you probably think she wouldn't do that, but considering her cheating you don't know her as well as you did. As all of us who were betrayed thought we knew our partners. Furthermore, if possible, ask a friend to stay with you for a while under some false pretext, to act as a witness against her false allegations.

3. Start documenting your care and her (lack of) care for the kids immediately.I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle. You hopefully won't needed, but if you do, it's better you have it. Don't let her know you're doing this. Once you'll see concrete progress in her actions and reconciliation, you can start stopping the documenting.

4. Set up individual counselling for yourself IMMEDIATELY! You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself. This is a great thread on selecting a good IC - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Choosing an IC/MC [long post] . Also, read up on EMDR therapy - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Emdr is amazing .

5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.

6. C(ontinue to c)onfide in your friends&family about this. You need and deserve their support.

7. If the other man (coworker) has a wife/gf and had it at the time of the affair (though I think it's still ongoing), inform the wife/gf. She deserves to know, just as you deserved to know. Don't trust the other man or your wife that they've been told. Check out this - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Should I tell BW from 6-7 years ago? .

8. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. It's way too easy to spiral out of control. I stopped myself quite close to becoming an alcoholic in the aftermath of it all.

9. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength and self-esteem for you, as it was for me. Also, google "Codependent no more pdf", also available online for free. Another great book to read on this topic is "Married man sex life primer", I'd recommend you go to the library and get a copy of it, but that's more suitable for later on and can wait.

10. Go to the "I can relate" subforum here and check out the "Betrayed menz" thread on the first page. Read and post there, it's a great place for betrayed men.

11. If you are giving her yet another chance, she needs to go to IC at least for a month before you two even consider MC together. I recommend YOU find a good IC for HER, one that you will know has a no-nonsense approach to infidelity (knows that cheating is 100% cheater's fault,...) and go to her first session with her to make sure the counsellor knows all about the cheating. Only after that should you try MC again with her.

12. Google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. Read it on your own at first. The best book for me on infidelity is "Not just friends", look it up in the library.

13. What was her and your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Also, check out "Families and how to survive them" in your library, it opened my eyes on the topic of childhood issues and how they connect to adult relationships.

14. I think it's important that you tell her that as a condition for you to attempt to reconcile with her is for her to write you a detailed timeline of the affair(s). Upon telling her, notify her you'll want her to undertake a polygraph test afterwards to ascertain you have the full truth. Tell her that lying will do more damage than any truth will.

15. A phrase that I've heard a lot here and with which I agree is that you must be willing to lose the marriage(relationship) to save it. You mustn't think of her as the prize and you mustn't approach this from a position of weakness, of you trying to win her back by being nice etc. You must get therapy, you must get into the mindset that you will be ok even if you divorce and that you will not settle for rugsweeping or anything less than her being fully remorseful and committed to redeeming herself and helping you heal.

16. If she continues to have any sort of contact with him instead of looking for a transfer/new job despite your demands, and if you'll want to stop the cheating, or if she'll continue to be unremorseful, talk to your lawayer about exposing her cheating to her friends&family, and definitely consider to SERVE HER WITH DIVORCE PAPERS. Remember, even if you serve her, you can always stop the divorce later if she proves remorseful etc. But it's a good wake-up call for the cheater that very often works.

17. A divorce would be hard on you and the kids. When it comes to them, it is, however, much better for the kids to not see you everyday if that means that they won't grow up in a toxic household due to their mom's cheating, disrespect,..., where their dad is being destroyed emotionally due to their mom's actions. What the kids need to grow up emotionally happy, mature and strong young adults is to have at least a part of their lives emotionally healthy and safe (i.e. the days they will spend with you), to have at least one parent (i.e. you) emotionally stable and healthy (and you can't be that if you remain with a cheating, unremorseful spouse) and to have access to a good children's therapist (it's up to you to get them to see a good therapist). Please, consult a good therapist for kids to hear his/her opinion before you decide to stay married to her because of the kids.

18. You DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW whether to give her another chance or not, whether to reconcile. That decision can wait for quite some time (but make sure waiting to make the decision doesn't hurt you legally, financially, physically/health-wise,... -> talk to your lawyer etc.). Remember, even if you start the divorce proceedings, you can stop them. And even if you finish the divorce proceedings, you can still reconcile with her despite divorcing her. If she's truly remorseful, she will be desperate to get you back even if you divorce her. And if she'll be willing to stay without you despite the divorce, it will be a good sign she's doing that not because she wants the financial,..., security of the marriage, but because of you. So again, no need to make quick decision.

Also, like others have said, it's a roller-coaster, being cheated on. It's one of the most shocking and traumatic things you'll ever experience in life. It is perfectly understandble to be dazed and confused from all this, to not know what exactly to do, to feel one thing one moment and another the next moment. As time goes by and you work on healing yourself, things will get considerably better.

What's crucial is that you don't make any really bad decisions in this first stage of being totally mentally fuc-ed up, like getting her pregnant, getting an STD, you cheating on her with someone else and thereby demeaning yourself, you becoming an alocoholic, crashing a car, beating him up and ending in jail etc.

19. Also, check out these two threads, I try to read them regularly - SurvivingInfidelity.com - I lost everything due to infidelity. And I survived. and SurvivingInfidelity.com - Calling all BSs... .

20. Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes

xBBf, 28*
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Posts: 3320 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
John A, these last few posts are fantastic comprehensive summaries of the stuff here on TAM. Is it possible for them to be combined in one post and pinned by one of the moderators, so that all can have access when they arrive to this site? (Just saying).
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post #93 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 07:17 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

On a side note, she texted earlier saying "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"

OMG, when you decided to **** another man!
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post #94 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 07:32 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Forum index mentions an update within the past couple of hours, but I'm not able to see it.

Between that and some of the other ongoing oddities, it might be time to hit up the admins for some attention.
Why? Just so we can be told to clear our cache and cookies again?


A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #95 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Looks like the thread is fixed, as far as I can tell.

I blocked WW on my cell so she has to call my mom's house to talk to me and can't just text me whenever she wants.

She dropped the kids off for my week today, and when she went to leave she was standing there like she was waiting for me to say something. So I just said, "ok. Bye." She huffed and puffed and said "whatever" and left.

She called later to ask about me getting the rest of my stuff, and was happy sounding and in a good mood. Yesterday and early this morning she was sounding like she was crying. That's why I don't want to talk to her because her mood fluctuates so much and causes my mood to fluctuate.
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post #96 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?

It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.
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post #97 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:36 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Looks like the thread is fixed, as far as I can tell.

I blocked WW on my cell so she has to call my mom's house to talk to me and can't just text me whenever she wants.

She dropped the kids off for my week today, and when she went to leave she was standing there like she was waiting for me to say something. So I just said, "ok. Bye." She huffed and puffed and said "whatever" and left.

She called later to ask about me getting the rest of my stuff, and was happy sounding and in a good mood. Yesterday and early this morning she was sounding like she was crying. That's why I don't want to talk to her because her mood fluctuates so much and causes my mood to fluctuate.
Her mood changes have everything to do with whether or not she has talked to or been with her affair partner. If she's happy, then she has. If sad, then she hasn't.

Just the way it is, pal.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #98 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 10:14 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Yes it is fairly rare for it to be really save the marriage, @3putt nailed it in one.

Has she tried approaching you though mutual friends or family? I suggest you be prepared. Sorry didn't see post 203. In any event be prepared for her to try make you the bad guy to friends and her family.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish

Last edited by JohnA; 12-04-2016 at 10:19 PM.
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post #99 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.
"I'm free, I can do what I want" tends to turn into "Holy crap what happened."
Time varies depending on how much effort you put into detaching and enacting consequences.


Think of an affair like a vacation getaway. It's all fun and games, until reality sets in. Men and women chase their wives when reality comes back. Now, some will say vacation is a poor analogy because they are fun. Yes, but I am not talking from a logical perspective.

A vacation is normally a time to enjoy yourself or your family and get away from the grind of the real world. So, an affair initially has no stipulations, expectations and requirements. Just have fun and go home to your regular routine. Most people can't afford or want to live at that beach resort 24/7/365. When you divorce, expose, end contact or leave it forces reality into the "vacation" thinking. Shared money makes the hotel cheap, a single income makes it expensive. Shared money makes the bills equal, a single income makes bills harder. A dual parent home gives you free time, a single parent home limits free time.

It's like a could bucket of water, in your face, during a deep sleep.
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post #100 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 11:08 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?

It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.
Collin,

Hasn't she proved to you already that she is just trying to play you. She is NOT chasing you for any other reason than to try to stay ahead of you. In a previous post she even taunted you and implied what you needed to do to make her stop the affair. So it is still ongoing.

No more responses to her. Her moods are not your problem, and if you let them be you will not get off the roller coaster. The reason WW chase their husbands or boyfriends after separating or divorcing is meaningless. You really interested in why if she is still with OM. ????

Remember, while there are similarities to behavior, everyone is different so asking the question you posed is not relavant. Only your situation is. Yes, there are WW who have been totally remorseful and wound up back with BH. But your wife has done nothing g to give any indication that that is where this is headed because the first thing that should have happened once you filed is for her to dump this OM like garbage. Instead, she throws it in your face about just wanting her to stop affair and how you should go about it.

Crickets to her Collin. Every time you interact with her it encourages her to try to manipulate you.

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post #101 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:29 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Quote:
Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?

It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.
Reasons

Need a babysitter
Life is too much work on their own
Checkbook
No one to blame anything on
Maid service
Etc, etc, etc
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post #102 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:23 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D




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post #103 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 04:49 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Quote:
Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?

It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.
She wants you as a Plan B... if this AP guy wises up and runs for the hills. It's all a "security" issue.

When you go NC / 180 she will apply pressure on him to be her "knight in shining armor"

I call this the "schit or get off the pot" moment. A vast majority of POSOMs either

wilt or bolt. The bottom line is... she showed you who she really is, BELIEVE her.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #104 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:26 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Quote:
Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?

It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.
Mine did sir, but prior to that I pretty much sent a message I was done. Burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom, and went out of town for over a month with no contact except when she flew to our condo and ambushed me begging for another chance. I was lucky as my kids were grown and did not have that as a factor. From what you post I think you are handling it for the most part as you should. Never say never as I am in R, but the R is and was on my terms 100%. Never allow yourself to become plan b if you change direction. I will not lie, it was most enjoyable in a twisted way to watch my FWW scramble once I went off on her and let her know I was done and off to Florida. There is nothing wrong with making her sweat a bit. Keep her uncomfortable and wondering what's next and follow 180.

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #105 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:38 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Looks like the thread is fixed, as far as I can tell.

I blocked WW on my cell so she has to call my mom's house to talk to me and can't just text me whenever she wants.

She dropped the kids off for my week today, and when she went to leave she was standing there like she was waiting for me to say something. So I just said, "ok. Bye." She huffed and puffed and said "whatever" and left.

She called later to ask about me getting the rest of my stuff, and was happy sounding and in a good mood. Yesterday and early this morning she was sounding like she was crying. That's why I don't want to talk to her because her mood fluctuates so much and causes my mood to fluctuate.
She's upset that you're not pursuing her the way that she thinks you should be.

It's also pretty likely that things aren't all roses w/ OM.

Either way, she went from having two guys vying for her affection to just the one (OM), and she's probably wising up to the fact that he's not such a bargain.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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