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post #106 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 08:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.

But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.

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post #107 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 08:53 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.

But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.

What you should strive for is ambivalence. It will come in time, but it will take a long time. Being angry and resentful is a sign that she still has emotional leverage over you. What you want to get to is a point where she means no more to you than the mailman or the clerk at the corner store.
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post #108 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:04 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?

It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.
I suspect it is common. You know how little girls can be fickle? WW's kind of have that immature, underdeveloped mentality. They don't want you when they are in their affair - then when you show them you're moving on and going to be just fine - or better than fine (better than when you were with her), they suddenly want their thrown away toy back. It's this game back and forth.

My exww still, after 4 years, can't detach. If her "fiance" could see the texts she sends me (nothing sexually explicit - but inappropriate for sure), he (if he were a smart man), would dump her immediately. I know I could get her into bed if I wanted to. And that just reinforces my decision to divorce her. It's been four years.

Some WW's chase their former BS because of the fickle thing - the "now that someone else wants my thrown away toy, I want it BACK!!" mentality, and others (like my exww), realize what they threw away, regret it immensely and pine for what once was. Hard to say with yours - it's pretty early in the game. Time will tell. Either way, doesn't matter - she lost her chance with you. She gave up the privilege of being your wife. Sucks to be her.
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post #109 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:09 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Reasons

Need a babysitter
Life is too much work on their own
Checkbook
No one to blame anything on
Maid service
Etc, etc, etc
I'll add: The realization of "Wow, I had a really good man in my husband. My AP is a loser. WTF have I done??"
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post #110 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:12 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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What you should strive for is ambivalence. It will come in time, but it will take a long time. Being angry and resentful is a sign that she still has emotional leverage over you. What you want to get to is a point where she means no more to you than the mailman or the clerk at the corner store.
I don't think ambivalence is the word you're after - indifference maybe.
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post #111 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:26 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Mine did sir, but prior to that I pretty much sent a message I was done. Burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom, and went out of town for over a month with no contact except when she flew to our condo and ambushed me begging for another chance. I was lucky as my kids were grown and did not have that as a factor. From what you post I think you are handling it for the most part as you should. Never say never as I am in R, but the R is and was on my terms 100%. Never allow yourself to become plan b if you change direction. I will not lie, it was most enjoyable in a twisted way to watch my FWW scramble once I went off on her and let her know I was done and off to Florida. There is nothing wrong with making her sweat a bit. Keep her uncomfortable and wondering what's next and follow 180.


If you want to see what regret, sheer terror and ultimately remorse looks like, check out @Lonely husband 42301's thread.

Your WW is behaving nothing like LH's. When you think you might be seeing remorse, I assure you that you will know it if it comes. And I don't believe it will - if she valued you the way she should her behavior would be FAR more desperate.

I doubt there is a single BS who doesn't want to understand HOW the betrayal could happen, and want to see the WS realize their huge mistake and come crawling back and apologize. But it very rarely happens. The type of people who cheat just don't think or work that way.

So good job on blocking the number and minimal contact. Just realize that no interaction with her can help you at this point.


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post #112 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
I suspect it is common. You know how little girls can be fickle? WW's kind of have that immature, underdeveloped mentality. They don't want you when they are in their affair - then when you show them you're moving on and going to be just fine - or better than fine (better than when you were with her), they suddenly want their thrown away toy back. It's this game back and forth.

My exww still, after 4 years, can't detach. If her "fiance" could see the texts she sends me (nothing sexually explicit - but inappropriate for sure), he (if he were a smart man), would dump her immediately. I know I could get her into bed if I wanted to. And that just reinforces my decision to divorce her. It's been four years.

Some WW's chase their former BS because of the fickle thing - the "now that someone else wants my thrown away toy, I want it BACK!!" mentality, and others (like my exww), realize what they threw away, regret it immensely and pine for what once was. Hard to say with yours - it's pretty early in the game. Time will tell. Either way, doesn't matter - she lost her chance with you. She gave up the privilege of being your wife. Sucks to be her.
LOL... send him everything a week before the wedding.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #113 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:56 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Just wait till you start dating!
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post #114 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:04 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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LOL... send him everything a week before the wedding.
The wedding has been put off like 3 or 4 times now. I don't want to mess that up - imagine how much more I'd have to deal with her if she were single!!
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post #115 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:24 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.

But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.
Placing your happiness on what she does / does not do is very unhealthy logic.

You give defiant people what they want because almost never turns out as they had planned.

Have you read DeMello's Awareness?


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #116 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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The wedding has been put off like 3 or 4 times now. I don't want to mess that up - imagine how much more I'd have to deal with her if she were single!!
Was her fiancé an OM?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #117 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
I suspect it is common. You know how little girls can be fickle? WW's kind of have that immature, underdeveloped mentality. They don't want you when they are in their affair - then when you show them you're moving on and going to be just fine - or better than fine (better than when you were with her), they suddenly want their thrown away toy back. It's this game back and forth.

My exww still, after 4 years, can't detach. If her "fiance" could see the texts she sends me (nothing sexually explicit - but inappropriate for sure), he (if he were a smart man), would dump her immediately. I know I could get her into bed if I wanted to. And that just reinforces my decision to divorce her. It's been four years.

Some WW's chase their former BS because of the fickle thing - the "now that someone else wants my thrown away toy, I want it BACK!!" mentality, and others (like my exww), realize what they threw away, regret it immensely and pine for what once was. Hard to say with yours - it's pretty early in the game. Time will tell. Either way, doesn't matter - she lost her chance with you. She gave up the privilege of being your wife. Sucks to be her.
The dog with two bones.
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post #118 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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I don't think ambivalence is the word you're after - indifference maybe.
If they had no kids together I would agree. But he has to deal with this idiot for the next fifteen years or so. So he will have to work with her. He cannot treat her like she died and doesn't exist. He needs to get to a place where she is just an aupair.
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post #119 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:05 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Was her fiancé an OM?
Not one of my exww's OM's. He came into the picture way after. An OM in general, I'm not sure.
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post #120 of 383 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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If they had no kids together I would agree. But he has to deal with this idiot for the next fifteen years or so. So he will have to work with her. He cannot treat her like she died and doesn't exist. He needs to get to a place where she is just an aupair.
Ambivalence: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Maybe I'm just not getting the context. Or do you mean he'll have to hate her at the same time as dealing with her as a coparent?
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