Wife still cheating. I just filed for D - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 08:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

NOTE TO SELF: I am not the Original Poster, my "wife" is not still cheating, and I have not filed for divorce. I am a female person so I have no "wife" LOL My husband isn't cheating either! LOL And I am ecstatically married to @Tanelornpete

I'm not sure what happened to this thread, but the OP is @collin8550. Without reposting the original post (because I can't remember it), in summary he caught his wife cheating, she won't stop the affair, he filed for D and she blew up his phone with texts and calls. I replied...

______________________________


There's an easy way to block her from texting you: Turn your cell phone off!!

Unless there is BLOOD or FIRE she has no need to contact you, period. The chances of BLOOD or FIRE are pretty slim, and if there is BLOOD or FIRE she should call 911 first, anyway.


TURN YOUR PHONE OFF...and go about the rest of your night in peace.


Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference

Last edited by Affaircare; 12-03-2016 at 08:05 PM.
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post #2 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 08:50 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Dang. I can't find how to block a number on my new phone. She is sending non stop texts about how the affair was my fault and I should have tried harder so she would have been able to end the affair. Also said I shouldn't tell people the affair was going on over a year because they weren't sleeping together all that time but just talking.

I'm trying to search on the Internet how to block her number but I can't find anything.
You should be able to go online to your cell phone carrier and there should be a section for how to block a number. I've done this before, it's easy, but maybe every carrier varies.
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post #3 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:28 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Don't delete her rants. Six months from now she truly will not remember what she wrote or will minimize them. Read this and then re-read her rants.

Short version of DARVO*

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused and*attacks the accuser's credibility or even if the event occurred. * **term "DARVO" near the end of a 1997 publication about her primary research focus, "betrayal trauma theory."*

"By denying, attacking ' *and reversing perpetrators into victims, reality gets even more confusing and unspeakable for the real victim. .... These perpetrator reactions increase the need for betrayal blindness. If the victim does speak out and gets this level of attack, she quickly gets the idea that silence is safer." (Veldhuis & Freyd, 1999. p 274).

It didn't happen (an instance) or It rarely happens (a type of event)
It wasn't harmful *Put together they can take the form: "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." The two claims both serve to deny, but they depend upon different sorts of evidence. They may both be true, but they are sometimes somewhat suspicious when claimed simultaneously (or by the same person at different times), as for instance can occur in response to allegations of rape or child sexual abuse.

Hat tip to @marduk

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #4 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:33 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
You should be able to go online to your cell phone carrier and there should be a section for how to block a number. I've done this before, it's easy, but maybe every carrier varies.


You can block it just using the phone. That is a feature in any smartphone.
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post #5 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:50 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Thanks for that info on DARVO. Makes sense.

I feel sorry for her and I don't know why. She treated me horribly but when I think about her ruining her life and turning into trash, I have pity. Maybe that's a normal and common feeling?

Also, did any of you that went thru this ever have times where you think back to past times where you messed up or was selfish and feel like the bad guy? As long as I feel morally superior I am in a good mood, but I think back to times we fought where I was actually wrong, then I feel bad. I never had an affair or anything like that, but I think back to times I may have been mad and said something mean or skipped out on a date to hang out with friends.
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post #6 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:59 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Quote:
Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Thanks for that info on DARVO. Makes sense.

I feel sorry for her and I don't know why. She treated me horribly but when I think about her ruining her life and turning into trash, I have pity. Maybe that's a normal and common feeling?

Also, did any of you that went thru this ever have times where you think back to past times where you messed up or was selfish and feel like the bad guy? As long as I feel morally superior I am in a good mood, but I think back to times we fought where I was actually wrong, then I feel bad. I never had an affair or anything like that, but I think back to times I may have been mad and said something mean or skipped out on a date to hang out with friends.
No one is perfect. There is no perfect marriage. We all have flaws.

You didn't go out and have an affair on her because of her behavior/issues did you?

Quit looking for an excuse for her behavior. There aren't any
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post #7 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 11:03 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

She's blameshifting her affair on you. Typical cheater script.
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post #8 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 11:52 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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She's blameshifting her affair on you. Typical cheater script.
Collin,

Read the above every 15 minutes . The minute you start to believe that this is your fault you are doomed to have it happen again.
You may own 50% of a ****ty marriage.
She owns 100% of screwing another man and not agreeing to stop in a verifiable manner.

Now change your phone number or just stop talking to her for anything. The minute the conversation moves past "what time do I get the kids" you hang up. This is pure manipulation she is trying and if she gets the chance she will probably turn sexual sincce that is her way of getting her way.

If you backpedal you are going to get whacked again
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post #9 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 12:59 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Originally Posted by collin8550 View Post
Found out about my wifes affair a few months ago. She left and then we decided to try recovery after a week and she moved back home. I improved a lot but she started back contacting her affair partner and sneaking around.

I surprised her on the day before thanksgiving by informing her I filed for divorce a couple weeks prior and was moving out the next morning. I told her I didn't want to have any contact with her and she could keep the kids a week and I would keep them a week. They are 3 and 5 years old. I told her that if she eventually wants to end the affair and try a real recovery, to let me know. But for the meantime I want no contact at all.

When I told her I was leaving and the following morning, she was crying and saying she just wanted time to end the affair on her own. I told her it doesn't work that way. I wasn't mean or anything, but told her its too late and my decision is final.

I still have a few things to get from the house, so she caught me yesterday. She was saying all kind of things like from wanting me to stay at home with kids for Christmas and special events to us being "roommates". She asked if I was going to go out partying and stuff and sleep with other people. I told her I cant sleep with anyone until I heal from her affair. She then asked if we could have sex, but I told her no.

She texted me a few more times that evening. But I told her I didn't want to talk and that I was going to block her if she kept texting me. She texted me a picture of a marriage book I tried to get her to read the past few months, to let me know she was finally reading it.

She is acting like she is improving all the things I complained about, but she still has never mentioned ending the affair. I guess she wants me to continue being a babysitter and financial support so she can continue texting her affair partner everyday. She wants us to work on the marriage while she talks to him everyday, thinking she will eventually like me better and be able to quit him for good.

So what should I do? The first day or two when I told her I was leaving, I felt good. Like I was free and she would finally see how hard life is without me. But since I broke my no contact with her, I am depressed a little today and thinking about going back home. Its going to really be sad tomorrow when she takes the kids for a week and I am alone.

Should I go completely dark with no contact, or talk a little when she contacts me? I told her I will work on the marriage one day if she ends the affair and if she doesn't, I will already be well on my way to a new and better life.
She will have to completely break it with him, also you're setting yourself up for a split when she hits 50ish and "falls out of love with you".

Probably best advice; walk away she's obviously not confronting your needs regarding the affair, whatever you do don't be flexible about "babysitting" your time with your kids is family time so keep it regular if she wants you to "babysit" only do so on permanent change to the rules, do not under any circumstances lend her money, and make sure all your bank accounts/loans/cc are separate. THEN do what is best for the kids - they're the only victims here (you 2 are both adults, so its up to you to be best rolemodel that you can for them)
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post #10 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:08 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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Your WW is texting like a madwoman because you have her running scared. She's scared to death of losing her good reputation and esteem with her family and friends. She's trying to get you to cave, so she blames you for her bad behavior. Don't take the bait. If you cannot exert self control, then delete the unread texts as they come in.
Actually I'd keep the texts, he doesn't have to read them. Back them up for his lawyer in case it's anything that can help him in the divorce or with custody.


"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #11 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 03:22 AM
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Doing pretty good Collins. We've all been there. I'll try to make my 2 cents short.
I was thinking of revenge sex with the POSOMs mother... A
Hahaha holy ****...a good way to get shot. Just wow...was the POSOM younger or were you willing to sleep with a much older woman as a **** you, to him?
It wasn't close to happening. Just typical stuff that goes thru a BS mind. Like I said... She was nuts anyway but she provided lots of intel that I used against her son & WW legally and put me in a better position protect myself and son.

I'm in my mid 40s. He was 21 back then. His last female was a 20 yr old... Cute, but not worth touching and a drug and booze addict.

So no... Not close to touching that. Just mean fantasy to hurt someone.
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post #12 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 05:38 AM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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You can block it just using the phone. That is a feature in any smartphone.
Yes, this too.
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post #13 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 12:55 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

You're making a mistake telling her there's still a chance for reconciliation if she "eventually stops cheating". That is a tremendous sign of weakness and shows you have no boundaries and are still totally cool being Plan B. It shows your weakness to her, but more importantly, you're not being respectful to yourself.

Your cheating wife is a classic manipulator, and even though you've filed, she still has you wrapped around her finger. She is still in control. Make no mistake - she still lusts after and is "in love" (it's not real love of course) with the posom. Losing you is simply losing her comfortable married life and all the perks that come with it. It's not YOU she's afraid of losing - it's the marriage and the status that comes with.

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you, has ZERO respect for you, and sorry, but doesn't love you, or at least not a healthy, real love?

Be warned: if she somehow convinces you she's actually done with her AP and you take her back - your life will NOT be any better than if you divorce her. Divorce and losing 50% of your access to your children SUCKS. I went through it - I see my kids Fri-Mon. But the alternative - living with someone who betrayed you in the worst way possible - treated you worse than their worst enemy, put you at risk of disease, disrespected you in the ultimate way, and counts you as Plan B - is FAR worse than being divorced and starting a new life. Your trust is gone, and you will never, ever get it back. Believe me. Living a life without trust in your spouse, constantly wondering and worrying, and on top of that, living with the anger and resentment towards them for what they already did to you - is no way to live.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your kids. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're here.
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post #14 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:02 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

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But I'm still kind of stuck hoping she will end the affair and agree to reconcile. Hopefully that goes away pretty soon.
Right now, you are your own worst enemy.
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post #15 of 458 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: Wife still cheating. I just filed for D

Your in plan A mode from Marriage Buikders. Understand even the guy who came up with the plan did so for those who could not get off the fence and believed on the lotto. Yes people win the lotto, but to build your life on the dream of winnin?

I do buy lotto tickets several times a YEAR, but my house and car are paid for and I have no debt at age 61.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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