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Phew....what next

29K views 90 replies 35 participants last post by  WyshIknew 
#1 · (Edited)
OK

I've got to the bottom of my wife's affair and she is now telling the truth. I know this because I have dragged the details of the affair kicking and screaming into the limelight, with recorders etc. Now, everyone knows about it and all the sordid details are out. It basically lasted 2 weeks before D-Day and then 1 month after D-Day, during which time I ripped the affair apart. I kept catching her and bringing it into the open and in the end she just sort of collapsed into telling the whole tale.

My wife's personality has now changed. She is utterly depressed, cannot see any future, and says she still loves me but also loves him. Her loyalty is clearly towards him - she defends him on any criticsm - but she knows this is wrong and is trying to re-align her loyalties. She is devastated about destroying the marriage and struggles to see any happy future in any direction. she says she cannot figure herself. She says the feelings for the OM will not go away overnight and I know this. She also says she "needs to know and has to know" if she can make her marriage work and this is only possible if the OM is out of the equation. However, she is extremely stressed by the contstant accusations (and indeed revelations) of lying.

I've told her I am staying vigilant and will not trust her for some time. I've also said this is the last straw. If I catch one more lie I am done, as I am sick of being on this emotional roller coaster. At the same time she is finding it very awkward to be affectionate, and intimacy is out of the equation. I sort of understand this. She loved or loves another man - i f*cking hate it but thats how she feels, fogged up or not.

So we seem to be at a beginning. I've told her I will stop accusing her of things and getting angry at the drop of a hat to give her some peace and stability but this is on the clear condition of complete honesty and openess.

We are VERY awkward around each other. The emotional conection has clearly been broken. We still say we "love" each other, but I obviously feel it and she sort of feels it. I crave attention and affection and she cannot deliver, although she is trying more and more each day - little notes, hugs, kisses, holding hands etc.

How do we move forwards together without destroying each other.

Oh, and by the way - thanks everyone. Everything you said was true. Trickle truth, going underground, blame shifting, the works.
 
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#57 ·
A few days ago? man she is still mainlining Infidelium! Let me tell you what comes next.......negotiation. She will want to negotiate for what you took away. OK if I do go NC, you have to stop the divorce. Not because she loves you, but so she stays in control. Just tell her that she should be thanking you for setting her free. Keep moving forward.
 
#59 · (Edited)
Keep the screws tight, like one post mentioned "soft sole" didn't work.

Did the lawyer tell you when and were she will be served? Get the papers drawn up and inform the lawyer when and were. This will give you a chance to retrack if need be. I doubt it but its nice to have control by putting the lawyer on stand by until you pull the trigger.

How are you validating the NC?
 
#64 ·
Send the OM a link to cheaterville.com and any other sites like that you can find. Ask him if he wants to be listed on there if he has contact with your wife again? Let him know any time his name is googled it will show up on cheaterville as a low life piece of sh!t.
 
#67 ·
There's a couple of gaps I cannot plug if I'm honest - calling from work etc, and she knows this. However, at the end of the day I am done with it all. If she is calling him, the only person she is hurting is herself, as WHEN the truth comes out, I will simply let the divorce proceed. I cannot make her come out of the fog and start showing true remorse. However, I can take control of MY future. IF she wants to be p[art of that future its up to her. I love her very much, but her behaviour has been abhorrent, and I've had enough. she can wake up and see what she is losing, or I'm off. If she wants to prolong her own pain by breaking NC that's up to her.
 
#75 ·
So five days or so after breaking down and telling me everything, I'm coming to the conclusion that my Wayward Wife is a mental mine field. She cried last night "I just can't forgive myself and can't imagine how I'll ever be happy again."

This morning she is again totally miserable. She had a panic attack in the night and woke up shaking. She sas she is trying every day to give me a little more of the love she knows I deserve, but is finding it incredibly difficult. she sas she wants to be with me, and wants to love me and be loved in return, but ca't get past the fact she has destroyed everything.

In all honesty, I don't know if I'm coming or going any more. I've filed, but I'm not going to rush it. I'll give her time to see if she sorts her own head out, but she certainly isn't in that determined place I read about so often where the WS will do anything to fix the marriage. She's just a mess. I'm surviving without her support, which is starting to make me switch off to her.
 
#78 ·
She is in a stage where she is going into forced withdrawal from her fix , the affair, she is facing reality and the threat of a seperation. She will be tempted to contact the OM and may still do so . At this stage you should listen , talk a lot to her , avoid future relationship discussions but do discuss the affair particularly if you have unanswered questions . Be the secure place for her , remind her when she makes comments like she has been doing that you are not going anywhere if she fully commits to the marriage.

Look after your health and well being, pick elements of the 180 but be careful not to run it to the extreme unless you know she is the affair.

R is difficult for both spouses , you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and she will be going through withdrawal and guilt . Bide your time , go to the MB site or others you may know of and read the articles on recovery. At the end of the day no one will blame you if you have to seperate and cannot get over her infidelity however many relationships have recovered and the marriages have improved.
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#77 ·
Actually becoming emotionally detached is a good thing for it protects you from her and yourself as well. Plus many cheating wives begin to feel sexual attraction towards their betrayed husbands when they show enough emotional fortitude that they don't fear divorcing them. Keep up the good work.
 
#80 · (Edited)
OK, over a year on, time for a follow up I guess.

We wife and I are reconciling and things are going extremely well. We had a year of MC and are now both in IC. She is passionate about her IC and about our marriage. I have days where I am not so passionate about our marriage but in general things get easier as time goes on. We have boundaries in place and both defend them. She posts on an infidelity forum (not this one). She has spent a year working at the "why" of the affair, and we have spent a year working on improving communication within our marriage. It took me quite a few months to get through the trauma and she is still very much working through figuring out who she is and how her life came to this. It's quite amazing what comes out of the wash when you spend a year talking honestly about your lives.

I'd like to share the things I have learned in this process.

1. Listen to TAM
Of course you were all right. She WAS lying. She WAS still seeing him. She was NOT remorseful.

2. Nothing changes until you change it.
I nearly killed myself trying to "love" my wife out of the affair. All it did was give her more power over me, and deepen my own pain. nothing changed until I said "Here are your divorce papers, here are the rules for reconciliation. Pick one" and the n stick to the rules and enforce them. Don't wait for your spouse to come to their senses. If you want them back, fight for them.

3. Nothing can ever be the same.
I am not the same, she is not the same. The marriage is different. Better in some ways, but with huge scars. There is no going back, no matter how much as a BS you crave it

4. No-one else will respect you until YOU do.
Infidelity is shattering. It destroys your self respect. Sooner or later you have to remember that you are worth more than this ****. you didn't do anything wrong. You were faithful. you can hold your head up high. Once you can hold your head up high people look at you differently. But then once you hold your head up high you don't NEED them to look at you differently.

5. Winning back your cheating spouse is half the battle.
You have to fight to win back a spouse. you have to rip them kicking and ****ing screaming out of the affair. Use VARs, Keyloggers, PIs, whatever resources you have and don't ever let up. however, if you DO win them back, sooner or later you realise you have won back an emotional mess that wasn't worth fighting for. The journey to become something worth fighting for is now up to them.

6. Reconciliation is hard.
the early months of reconciliation of ****ing hard. You don't trust anything. You have to think of a reason to stay every time you wake up. It gets better.

7. It's ok to not make it.
Even now, a year down the line, I sometimes contemplate "is this worth it". If I ever come to the conclusion "no", I'll be ok with that. I was a mess when I came to this site, but eventually remembered the strong man I am. I will be ok. I THINK this marriage will be great. I HOPE it will be great. But if it's not, well that's ok too.

Thanks everyone. you did good.
 
#88 ·
There are a few posters who should really read this. I cannot believe the wimpiness of some of the BS and Johnny come lately 'advisors' on here.
 
#82 ·
Great Post HIP. Glad you came back with a happy update but also the cold hard realities of reconciliation. As a FBS I understand how bad it can suck! Good luck to you both.
 
#84 ·
One thing I'd add actually, and this took me a long time to admit to myself.

Nobody is perfect. I could have been a Ws. I recognised behaviours in myself that my wife exhibited. I had poor boundaries. I have lived a selfish life. I DID have better coping skills, and thats really all that saved me from going down the same path she did. Reconciliation requires BOTH of you to look at yourselves, and to change. A properly remorseful and hard working WS is not going to settle for a BS that isn't self aware and working on themselves.

That one took about six months for me to even contemplate tbh.
 
#87 ·
the awaking! now your seeing things for what they truly are!

keep your eyes wide open. the world is really an ulgy place its what you make of it that matters.
 
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