There are so many openings for a predatory man to weave his way to a vulnerable married woman that it is frightening. Would you agree?
I think the woman makes herself vulnerable. Unless she is developmentally disabled, she still knows that an A is hurtful and unacceptable behavior. I was married before, and it was an abusive relationship. I was emotionally starved. I had several opportunities the cheat if I had been able to sell that to myself as an acceptable way to handle my frustration, but I knew it was selfish and destructive. I chose to leave that relationship with honor. What is frightening to me is the staggering selfishness and dishonesty of any cheater, man or woman. They lie to everyone, including themselves, and the results of their selfish behaviors resounds through the generations that come after them. My H's A has hurt everyone it has touched. The Ow hurt her family and her career.
Working, it's not about what you want, think, or feel, right now. It's all about your husband. Simply put, Whatever he wants you to do, you do. As long as it's legal and not dangerous. Obviously, this will not be a permanent situation. Once he begins to trust you and your actions again, then with constant communication, respect and love, you can look to a brighter future. You WILL be the woman you want to be. Good luck !!! To BOTH of you, and keep us posted!!!
thanks for your words Bad, again, although I haven't always agreed on everything you have said, I respect your comments, and have always taken them into consideration.
And this is her fault, how? That does not absolve you and it does not mean that she is at fault because she has bought his crap, You did. She does need to wake up. Hope can be such a trap with a man like this. Projecting is seeing your own fault in another person. I think that you might actually be doing that to her. It is pretty common for the OW to look down on the wife. I know that the sneaky little B who moved in on my marriage thought she was a much better catch then I. I notice however that as soon as I became aware of her existence my H immediately fired off a NC e-mail to her before I was completely informed about the true nature of their relationship. She was absolutely gob smacked that he could drop her like a dirty diaper. She tried for months to get him to change his mind. Getting involved with another woman's H is usually playing a very hurtful game of king of the mountain at the wife's expense. I would like to know why there are so many women who have no honor towards other women in such situations. If more females would play fair with each other, there would be very few affairs and broken homes.
maybe it didn't come across correctly. I have been really stressed the last couple of days with the exposure, and was angry that she called me a wh0re, really stung hard.
What I meant about the "projecting" was that she was lashing out at us because she knows her husband will never change, and was trying to get my husband to see the same in me, like he should suffer even more. I obviously get she is pain, as I have seen this in my husband for 9 months now.
I understand what you say about feeling that as an OW you see yourself as a "better catch", I totally had those feelings, I used to think that he "upgraded" to a classy and more educated woman. Yeah, really I thought that, part of the justification, I certainly wasn't classy during the affair.
There are so many openings for a predatory man to weave his way to a vulnerable married woman that it is frightening. Would you agree?
I totally agree with this. I see things so differently now, I'm very different with the opposite sex now (not that I ever flirted much in the past). I think my affair really opened my eyes to how easy it is to get caught up when people make comments that are innapropriate. My boundaries are very clear, and I'm always on guard. And it's the way it should have always been.
maybe it didn't come across correctly. I have been really stressed the last couple of days with the exposure, and was angry that she called me a wh0re, really stung hard.
What I meant about the "projecting" was that she was lashing out at us because she knows her husband will never change, and was trying to get my husband to see the same in me, like he should suffer even more. I obviously get she is pain, as I have seen this in my husband for 9 months now.
I understand what you say about feeling that as an OW you see yourself as a "better catch", I totally had those feelings, I used to think that he "upgraded" to a classy and more educated woman. Yeah, really I thought that, part of the justification, I certainly wasn't classy during the affair.
I think this is true that you would feel like you are better than the wife because he chose you over her. That he upgraded.
But the problem with relationships with cheaters (why only 3% make it) is that once the fog lifts, the people involved realized they actually downgraded because they left a faithful partner and are now with a cheater.
I think this is true that you would feel like you are better than the wife because he chose you over her. That he upgraded.
But the problem with relationships with cheaters (why only 3% make it) is that once the fog lifts, the people involved realized they actually downgraded because they left a faithful partner and are now with a cheater.
I think a lot of OW feel like "Oh I must be better since he cheated with me." Until they realize, the partnered person that cheated with them isn't that great of a catch if at the time he cheated and was unfaithful to his lady. He loses his credibility and any honor that he may have had because of that. What does that say about him? Did he really find an upgrade in the OW? It's more like the cheating spouse and the OW are now both downgraded because of what they did. And unfortunately, it's not something either of them can wash away.
I have a question. Do you identify the person who did the stuff you did during the affair? Or did you disown that person? Is it a coping mechanism? Obviously there should still be a part that identifies with what you did and justifies it however small it is. So do you still find that person in you?
Even the statement you said about him upgrading, it was obviously you who did that. How do you deny that you are still that person? Is it that the affair that changed you or was it you all along?
Sorry, I'm having difficulty putting this question into words.
Warlock, I can't get this question ? My wife told me that she has a real hard time identifying the thought processes that lead up to the affair, as hers. She said," that she seemed to be a different person, not herself". Is that what you mean?
Something similar. I finding it hard to put in words. Even if she is different person, it was still her. Your mind does not change over night. You still have your moral compass, ethics, ideals. They can be slightly misdirected but you don't become a different person, do you?
I totally agree with this. I see things so differently now, I'm very different with the opposite sex now (not that I ever flirted much in the past). I think my affair really opened my eyes to how easy it is to get caught up when people make comments that are innapropriate. My boundaries are very clear, and I'm always on guard. And it's the way it should have always been.
This is real good, Working Very mature. But remember, YOU are the only one who can enforce these boundaries. Attractive women are alwys going to be "hit on", it's the woman's job to insure that those boundaries are respected. The OM didn't force himself on you, you let him in. You must also guard against your own pride and selfishness and never get complaiscent. You seem to realize that you are not as good a person, as you have always thought you were, and this is very healthy. A good dose of humility makes us all better people.
No, Warlock, but you feel afterwards as if you were. My wife said that when we were together, she could not understand why she was cheating, because all of her feelings for me were there and the only thing she thought about the affair was how to end it, and how guilty it made her feel. When she went to Atlanta, after she would talk to the OM, she felt totally different.
I think this is true that you would feel like you are better than the wife because he chose you over her. That he upgraded.
But the problem with relationships with cheaters (why only 3% make it) is that once the fog lifts, the people involved realized they actually downgraded because they left a faithful partner and are now with a cheater.
I don't feel that way now, but remember thinking that way during the thick of it. yep, messed up.
I totally agree with this. I see things so differently now, I'm very different with the opposite sex now (not that I ever flirted much in the past). I think my affair really opened my eyes to how easy it is to get caught up when people make comments that are innapropriate. My boundaries are very clear, and I'm always on guard. And it's the way it should have always been.
I do not think it is easy to get caught up in an affair, if you have decent morals. On the contrary, an ethical person easily resists.
I got hit on all the time by married women when I was younger and just blew them off.
Something similar. I finding it hard to put in words. Even if she is different person, it was still her. Your mind does not change over night. You still have your moral compass, ethics, ideals. They can be slightly misdirected but you don't become a different person, do you?
You know what, I don't really think I was ever that type of person, I'll give you an example of what happened to me 6 years prior that destroyed a 15 year friendship.
A former good friend of mine was having an affair, she didn't tell me at first, but later told me all the details. This was a woman who in the past complained about her husband to the point i got fed up of hearing about it, I used to tell her to leave if she felt this way. So she has the affair, and asks me if she could use my house as a place she was going to tell her husband she was staying so she could meet up with OM. I told her NO, I do not want to partake in her sh@t. She went a head and did it anyway, and what ended up happening was her husband called my house after he found out, and dragged me into, and then said some lies because he was pissed. I was furious that she did this and told hubby we are going to his home and confronting this head on to let him know that I was in no way involved and in fact told her to leave if she was unhappy.
I then called her and ended the friendship.....yeah, I had morals back then, but somewhere during my affair they got screwed up, I will not be that type of person again.
Re: Exposing to O/m's wife after all these months 
That does not absolve you and it does not mean that she is at fault because she has bought his crap, You did. She does need to wake up. Hope can be such a trap with a man like this. Projecting is seeing your own fault in another person. I think that you might actually be doing that to her. It is pretty common for the OW to look down on the wife. I know that the sneaky little B who moved in on my marriage thought she was a much better catch then I. I notice however that as soon as I became aware of her existence my H immediately fired off a NC e-mail to her before I was completely informed about the true nature of their relationship. She was absolutely gob smacked that he could drop her like a dirty diaper. She tried for months to get him to change his mind. Getting involved with another woman's H is usually playing a very hurtful game of king of the mountain at the wife's expense. I would like to know why there are so many women who have no honor towards other women in such situations. If more females would play fair with each other, there would be very few affairs and broken homes.
