My husband had feelings for my BFF
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband had feelings for my BFF

I know that my problem will seem petty compared to some, but my husband recently told me that he had feelings for my good friend. I had noticed that he was always trying to tag along on our outings, and he talked about her all the time. When I asked about it several times he called me ridiculous and said I was imagining things. I found some flirty emails he sent her and he finally admitted that he liked her and that she made him feel good. Nothing actually happened and I know that he loves me. I just can't help wondering if this means something more serious, if he was in love with her and was just too scared to go for it. I haven't mentioned that she is movie star hot and sweet and kind to boot. I feel like I will never compare to her.
Will someone please tell me that I'm being stupid and making too big of a deal out of this?!
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

Paying attention to your marriage is never stupid.

If he admitted he's attracted to her, you need her help to stop this from going any further. Do you think she would do this?
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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No, he just conected with her and was able to be in close proximity due to your freindship. Sounds like you have a good radar and nipped this.
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

My hubby admitted recently being powerfully attracted to a friend of mine I had about ten years ago. It never went anywhere, but it still bothers me. We aren't friends any more, but if we were I don't know what I would do. You write in the past tense - are you no longer friends?
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Old 12-07-2011, 09:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

My husband had a 2 month long affair with my "best friend". If there were flirty e-mails from him that she never told you about and/or if she flirted back, she is NOT your friend and you need to kick her to the curb. She owes you a duty to tell you when your husband is stepping outside your marriage.

Either way, there needs to be NC between your husband and your friend. I watch closely any contact my H has with females, but have pretty much cut any contact he has with any female friend I know have. If I see so much as a text message between him and my friends, I will want to see it and I question it's necessity.

It doesn't matter that she is supposedly your friend.. except that makes it even more heinous - because it's a betrayal from both sides. Only thing that would make it worse is if it was your sister.
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Old 12-07-2011, 09:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

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If there were flirty e-mails from him that she never told you about and/or if she flirted back, she is NOT your friend and you need to kick her to the curb. She owes you a duty to tell you when your husband is stepping outside your marriage.
Totally agree with this. You need to confront her about keeping this to herself. You do know that you can't hang around her anymore, right? There must be NC whatsoever.
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Old 12-07-2011, 09:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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This is very serious. If the roles were reversed do you think your husband would be so accepting as you have been?
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Old 12-07-2011, 10:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

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Originally Posted by christine15 View Post
I know that my problem will seem petty compared to some, but my husband recently told me that he had feelings for my good friend. I had noticed that he was always trying to tag along on our outings, and he talked about her all the time. When I asked about it several times he called me ridiculous and said I was imagining things. I found some flirty emails he sent her and he finally admitted that he liked her and that she made him feel good. Nothing actually happened and I know that he loves me. I just can't help wondering if this means something more serious, if he was in love with her and was just too scared to go for it. I haven't mentioned that she is movie star hot and sweet and kind to boot. I feel like I will never compare to her.
Will someone please tell me that I'm being stupid and making too big of a deal out of this?!
You are not being petty at all...this could be an emotional affair, and the friendship between the two of them HAS to end if your marriage is to survive. Speak to your friend and find out if she reciprocated his flirtiness (as harmless as she may have thought it was). If she did, then as someone else posted, she is not your friend.

Good luck!
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Old 12-07-2011, 12:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

Majorly serious.

Is your BFF married? Did she respond back to his flirtations? If so, you need to call her out on her bullsh!t too. Expose to her husband/partner if she is coupled.
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Old 12-07-2011, 12:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Even IF it was totally one sided, you should end the friendship since your H is lusting for her.
You can either attempt to keep your marriage and weed out potential threats to him lusting for you OR you can decide you will pick your friendships over the security of the marriage.

At least he finally admitted his interest in her. That is a plus if he decided to keep being honest when he is taken with another woman.
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Old 12-07-2011, 01:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

It is very serious. Almost every sexual affair starts out as two people just having fun and flirting a bit.

At an absolute minimum, you need to erect a wall of no-contact between your friend and your husband. If your husband's emails were clearly inappropriate and your friend didn't tell you, you should probably end your friendship because she may share his feelings.

Also, keep an eye on your husband. Watch his email accounts/Facebook/phone usage for evidence of contact between the two of them.
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Old 12-07-2011, 01:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

It's one thing to be attracted to your spouses friends (we are human after all), it is even better, IMO, that we can openly discuss this with our spouse, but it is definitely not good to act on those feelings. And in your case Christine your H has confessed that he indeed was acting to a certain degree on those feelings (flirty emails, trying to get physically closer to her) and that only fuels even more intense feelings. The fact that he told you and that you are talking about this bodes well for your relationship because it means he trusts you to help work on the marriage with him (by following the advice you are getting from the comments here). We all sometimes make mistakes, its how we choose to deal with those mistakes that defines our character.
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Old 12-07-2011, 01:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

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Originally Posted by PHTlump View Post
It is very serious. Almost every sexual affair starts out as two people just having fun and flirting a bit.

At an absolute minimum, you need to erect a wall of no-contact between your friend and your husband. If your husband's emails were clearly inappropriate and your friend didn't tell you, you should probably end your friendship because she may share his feelings.

Also, keep an eye on your husband. Watch his email accounts/Facebook/phone usage for evidence of contact between the two of them.
Yes its serious, but is no longer secret because OP's H trusted his W with his feelings and misbehavior. I agree it changes the dynamic of the friendship. But its SECRECY that kills a relationship.
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

Thanks to all for taking my problem seriously.
No, we are not friends any more. And my husband is definitely not friends with her. I feel badly about this, and he says she didn't even know, but since some of the emails were obviously flirty I feel like she should have told me. That is why I can't be her friend.
I trust that my husband won't have contact with her and he says he currently has no feelings for her, I am just having trouble getting over it.
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband had feelings for my BFF

Did you ask her about it?
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