I have been an active reader on this site since D-day and have found other people's stories helpful in relation to my current situation. But I am looking for advice or guidance or anything helpful to help me through my specific circumstances as its a bit different from anything I have read. So here is my story....
My spouse and I are not married.
I was dating 'Dave' for a couple of months and met his friend 'Mike' during this time. Dave turned out to be a player and our relationship ended faster than it started. Due to a lack of emotional investment on that part Dave and I were able to remain friends. Mike chased me and wanted to start a relationship with me. It took several months but we ended up together. We fell madly in love with each other and were together for 5 years. I ended up losing my job and due to financially instabilities I had to move back home to the west coast as Mike was unable to hold us together financially. Initially the plan was for Mike to make the move to the west coast in a couple of month however that fell through and we ended up breaking up. He stayed on the east coast and I stayed on the west coast.
For a solid 5 months we had no contact then Mike called me to see how life was treating me and we started talking over the phone every now and then. 10 months after our initial break up, I made a trip to visit friends over on the east coast and Mike and I reconnected during that time However it was temporary and I felt it was best that we left our relationship in the past and not start up again. Mike and I had talked every now and then over the phone and tried to be friends but again this was short lived. He wanted more and regretted letting me go but I was hurt and felt that I couldn't allow myself to go back to him.
About 4 months later a group of friends and I headed south for a vacation and Dave was part of this group. Mike was not. Dave and I shared a room together and we spoke about how this would only be a friend-type of trip for us. However, Dave and I ended up sleeping together during our trip a couple of times. We both agreed that it was just for 'fun' and really didn't mean anything in regards to a future together. I hadn't spoken to Mike for a while before and after this trip and truly felt that it was over.
About 3 months later I made another trip back to the east coast to visit friends. It was at this point that Mike and I met up and he told me that he just couldn't continue living without me in his life and he was now ready to do whatever it took to be with me. I started to feel that same as he did as I have not been wanting to date or meet anyone else since he and I spilt. So he and I decided to get back together (long distance) and he would work on his move out to the west coast to start a life with me. As he and I were planning the move, I had to be honest with him about what had happened with Dave. He was completely upset and told me he needed time to see if he can get over me sleeping with Dave. A week later he called me and told me that we can get over this and he can't bare a life without me. This decision was made in September.
He ended up moving to the west coast in October. I was beyond happy and felt that this was it for us. I have dreamt about getting married to him and having a family. I was ready. He was ready. This was our time.
Two days after he landed, he revealed to me that he had been seeing another woman for about 2 months just prior to him moving. (End of August up to October) He had only spilled the beans because we got into an argument and he let it all out. I felt deceived that he wasn't completely honest with me prior to him moving here. In the heat of the moment, he told me that he had fell in love with another woman. I was beyond devastated. He didnt want to tell me anything in detail. He was mean and told me that I deserved it because I had slept with Dave. He said that he wouldn't have done anything with anyone if it wasn't for me having sex with Dave on my vacation.
During his relationship with this OW (end of Aug to Oct), he was calling and messaging me everyday telling me how much he loves me and couldn't wait until he moved to be with me so we can start our life together. There were days were he would disappear for hours on end and he told me that he either fell asleep or was at the gym or that his phone was charging in the other room. I felt something was off but i didn't have any reasons to not trust him. So I believed him.
After the initial confession, he really didn't seem to care weather he stayed or left. I felt trapped because we just signed a new lease that he knew I wasn't able to afford on my own. We argued a lot during the day he made his confession and told me that he even reached out to her again because she was the only one who he can count on. I was even more hurt that now he was still talking to her on the phone. A few days passed and we were able to talk without arguing. I told him that if he even wanted a chance to work things out with me that he would need to cut her off completely from his life. He wasn't a fan of this and kept telling me things like 'we are just friends now'. But in the end, he agreed and told me that he told her he could no longer continue talking to her anymore.
For the following 5 weeks after his initial confession, I just wasn't sure how to deal with this situation. Every time I would ask details about her, he had told me how he met her, what she did for a living, how often they would see each other, etc... I told him that I would try to forgive him and tried to see it from his POW. But he was being extremely shady about the situation and especially about his phone. He took his phone everywhere with him, even when he took a shower. He would never let his phone out of his sight. We didn't argue all the time but when he did, he got very short with me. He threaten to leave. He called me weak. He said I deserved it for what I did to him.
I was extremely affected by this and reached out to a counsellor to help me through his stage. I wanted to forgive him. He made a big change by moving to the west coast for me. I understand that I hurt him by sleeping and going away with Dave. But at the end of the day, I wanted to know who this woman was. I desperately wanted to put a face to the OW.
I felt as we were making some progress but I felt like something was off. I had a feeling that he was still talking to her but he kept reassuring me that he was not. I asked him for a name or a photo. He gave me a first name and a nationality but that was it. No last name (so i couldn't look her up on FB) and no photo. He protected her identity.
We ended up going out with friends and had an amazing night. When we got home, he went to the washroom and he left his phone on the kitchen counter. I took his phone (my only opportunity) and wanted to see if there were any messages or photos that I can find to help me figure out who this woman was. I opened up the messages and I found out the truth. The OW was my best friend in the east coast.
They had been talking the entire time he moved to be with me. She has been sending him X rated videos and photos of herself. Videos were just like porn. She was sending him selfies almost every day. She called him things like 'my love' and said things like how she misses him and wants him to come back. I couldn't bare to read it all that moment I was in utter shock.
When Mike came out of the washroom, I looked at him and said the OW was Kate???? He instantly got mad that I went through his phone and refused to talk to me about it. He was more focus on the fact that I went through his phone then the fact that he was messing around with my so-called best friend. I wrote Kate a message and told her that I read the messages between Mike and her and demanded answers. She called me and we spoke. She told me that YES they did slept together, the details were none of my business, that I slept with Dave so in her mind this was okay and that it was only 'sex'.
I have never cried so much in my life then the amount that I cried over this. I didn't eat or sleep or drink anything for a solid 4 days. I cried so much, to the point that I felt sorry for myself. I was beyond destroyed. Words cannot describe what I went through on those days.
Mike was a complete jerk about the situation. He didn't seem to care too much initially. He said I deserved it. He told me that he would leave. The day that I found out the real truth has been the worst day in my life. The ultimate D-Day.
Its been about 3 and a half weeks since I found out the truth. And I am surprised about how strong I have been with all of this but I still don't know what to do. I don't think I can forgive nor forget. The amount of betrayal ran really deep. I just don't want to get over this. I feel that I deserved better than what was done to me. I am not perfect in any way but I am honest. And he lied to me. I don't even know when he is lying or when he is telling the truth anymore.
Kate is a w*ore. I knew this when she was my best friend. She was engaged and cheated so much on her fiancé and I knew these details. I knew that she likes 3-somes, gang bangs, sex with strangers in public washrooms, etc.. This poor excuse for a woman is an embarrassment. I should have known better. I kept this woman around and thought she would actually respect our friendship and not cross certain boundaries. She had slept with other taken men either who are married or in long-term relationships. She really has no shame. I should have known better. I blame myself for having such a horrible person in my life. I was nothing but a great friend to her. Tried to help her out whenever I could and really saw her in a positive light and this is the thanks that I got. She knew everything about Mike and I. She knew how broken I was after we broke up. She was there for me when I cried. She didn't even like Mike and bash him to me whenever she got the chance.
When Mike moved here, Kate was also calling me on the phone and asking how things were going. How excited she was for me to finally have Mike move here. I even confided in her and told her that things were weird between Mike and I. Mike later revealed that Kate had told him everything about what I was telling her. They spoke on the phone everyday for the first month that he was here. They skyped when I wasn't around. He told her he misses her.
So much truth has been revealed and I keep finding out new information. He bought her a necklace before he left. He told her he loved her and he will come back for her. Apparently thats what she has been telling everyone. Mike finally confessed that he did buy her the necklace and that he was lost in the moment with her when he told her that he loved her. He says that she isn't anything to him and that they haven't spoken since D-Day. I don't know if I can believe him anymore.
He is completely transparent. He let me go through his phone, after he deleted all the messages and photos of course. He deleted her contact information and blocked her on Skype. He wants to work things out with me. But I feel so betrayed that I don't know if I honestly can ever forgive this. Betrayed by him. Betrayed by her. I don't know how I am still living my life. I am amazed about how strong I am when I really thought I was weaker.
I wake up thinking about them. I go to sleep thinking about them. Every minute of everyday I think about them. I was told that they only met up 5 times. Once at his house (the start of their affair), three times in hotel rooms, and once just before he left where he gave her the necklace. I know how this woman is sexually so I can only imagine what their sex life consisted of.
Apparently she fell in love with Mike. But she also falls in love with all her men and begs them to leave their current partner for her. None have done this so far. I feel like she thinks this is a game. Of course, I no longer have any contact with Kate. She is dead to me.
I need advice. Is this forgivable? Am I being stupid for even considering? I look at Mike differently now. He is tainted. We haven't had sex or kissed or anything. I just can't. I just imagine him and Kate and thats all I need to be turned off. He tries so hard. He says he is sorry but I don't think he is. He says he regrets it and would do anything to take it back. But I just don't believe that either
Mike claims that he was single when he was with Kate. But technically he was not as we were in a long distance relationship although we were not together physically.
Any thoughts? Advice? Feel free to ask me questions as I was trying to give as much information as I could but I am sure there things I missed out.
Oh and Kate.... her ex fiancé was also a really close friend to Mike. I told him everything from all the cheating, to the lying, and the details with Mike. Mike lost everyone over at the east coast. All his guy friends cut him off. He has no one. I wonder how he was able to risk everything for nothing? He told me he would never be with someone like her. But then it doesn't make sense why he did all of this for nothing? He said he was just extremely hurt. He lost himself. He was not thinking with his head but with his d*ck. He told me that Kate was there for him. She gave him affection, a listening ear and basically became the woman he needed at that time.
I really feel that this has changed me. He was selfish. She was selfish. And I'm left picking up the pieces.
Thoughts?
My spouse and I are not married.
I was dating 'Dave' for a couple of months and met his friend 'Mike' during this time. Dave turned out to be a player and our relationship ended faster than it started. Due to a lack of emotional investment on that part Dave and I were able to remain friends. Mike chased me and wanted to start a relationship with me. It took several months but we ended up together. We fell madly in love with each other and were together for 5 years. I ended up losing my job and due to financially instabilities I had to move back home to the west coast as Mike was unable to hold us together financially. Initially the plan was for Mike to make the move to the west coast in a couple of month however that fell through and we ended up breaking up. He stayed on the east coast and I stayed on the west coast.
For a solid 5 months we had no contact then Mike called me to see how life was treating me and we started talking over the phone every now and then. 10 months after our initial break up, I made a trip to visit friends over on the east coast and Mike and I reconnected during that time However it was temporary and I felt it was best that we left our relationship in the past and not start up again. Mike and I had talked every now and then over the phone and tried to be friends but again this was short lived. He wanted more and regretted letting me go but I was hurt and felt that I couldn't allow myself to go back to him.
About 4 months later a group of friends and I headed south for a vacation and Dave was part of this group. Mike was not. Dave and I shared a room together and we spoke about how this would only be a friend-type of trip for us. However, Dave and I ended up sleeping together during our trip a couple of times. We both agreed that it was just for 'fun' and really didn't mean anything in regards to a future together. I hadn't spoken to Mike for a while before and after this trip and truly felt that it was over.
About 3 months later I made another trip back to the east coast to visit friends. It was at this point that Mike and I met up and he told me that he just couldn't continue living without me in his life and he was now ready to do whatever it took to be with me. I started to feel that same as he did as I have not been wanting to date or meet anyone else since he and I spilt. So he and I decided to get back together (long distance) and he would work on his move out to the west coast to start a life with me. As he and I were planning the move, I had to be honest with him about what had happened with Dave. He was completely upset and told me he needed time to see if he can get over me sleeping with Dave. A week later he called me and told me that we can get over this and he can't bare a life without me. This decision was made in September.
He ended up moving to the west coast in October. I was beyond happy and felt that this was it for us. I have dreamt about getting married to him and having a family. I was ready. He was ready. This was our time.
Two days after he landed, he revealed to me that he had been seeing another woman for about 2 months just prior to him moving. (End of August up to October) He had only spilled the beans because we got into an argument and he let it all out. I felt deceived that he wasn't completely honest with me prior to him moving here. In the heat of the moment, he told me that he had fell in love with another woman. I was beyond devastated. He didnt want to tell me anything in detail. He was mean and told me that I deserved it because I had slept with Dave. He said that he wouldn't have done anything with anyone if it wasn't for me having sex with Dave on my vacation.
During his relationship with this OW (end of Aug to Oct), he was calling and messaging me everyday telling me how much he loves me and couldn't wait until he moved to be with me so we can start our life together. There were days were he would disappear for hours on end and he told me that he either fell asleep or was at the gym or that his phone was charging in the other room. I felt something was off but i didn't have any reasons to not trust him. So I believed him.
After the initial confession, he really didn't seem to care weather he stayed or left. I felt trapped because we just signed a new lease that he knew I wasn't able to afford on my own. We argued a lot during the day he made his confession and told me that he even reached out to her again because she was the only one who he can count on. I was even more hurt that now he was still talking to her on the phone. A few days passed and we were able to talk without arguing. I told him that if he even wanted a chance to work things out with me that he would need to cut her off completely from his life. He wasn't a fan of this and kept telling me things like 'we are just friends now'. But in the end, he agreed and told me that he told her he could no longer continue talking to her anymore.
For the following 5 weeks after his initial confession, I just wasn't sure how to deal with this situation. Every time I would ask details about her, he had told me how he met her, what she did for a living, how often they would see each other, etc... I told him that I would try to forgive him and tried to see it from his POW. But he was being extremely shady about the situation and especially about his phone. He took his phone everywhere with him, even when he took a shower. He would never let his phone out of his sight. We didn't argue all the time but when he did, he got very short with me. He threaten to leave. He called me weak. He said I deserved it for what I did to him.
I was extremely affected by this and reached out to a counsellor to help me through his stage. I wanted to forgive him. He made a big change by moving to the west coast for me. I understand that I hurt him by sleeping and going away with Dave. But at the end of the day, I wanted to know who this woman was. I desperately wanted to put a face to the OW.
I felt as we were making some progress but I felt like something was off. I had a feeling that he was still talking to her but he kept reassuring me that he was not. I asked him for a name or a photo. He gave me a first name and a nationality but that was it. No last name (so i couldn't look her up on FB) and no photo. He protected her identity.
We ended up going out with friends and had an amazing night. When we got home, he went to the washroom and he left his phone on the kitchen counter. I took his phone (my only opportunity) and wanted to see if there were any messages or photos that I can find to help me figure out who this woman was. I opened up the messages and I found out the truth. The OW was my best friend in the east coast.
They had been talking the entire time he moved to be with me. She has been sending him X rated videos and photos of herself. Videos were just like porn. She was sending him selfies almost every day. She called him things like 'my love' and said things like how she misses him and wants him to come back. I couldn't bare to read it all that moment I was in utter shock.
When Mike came out of the washroom, I looked at him and said the OW was Kate???? He instantly got mad that I went through his phone and refused to talk to me about it. He was more focus on the fact that I went through his phone then the fact that he was messing around with my so-called best friend. I wrote Kate a message and told her that I read the messages between Mike and her and demanded answers. She called me and we spoke. She told me that YES they did slept together, the details were none of my business, that I slept with Dave so in her mind this was okay and that it was only 'sex'.
I have never cried so much in my life then the amount that I cried over this. I didn't eat or sleep or drink anything for a solid 4 days. I cried so much, to the point that I felt sorry for myself. I was beyond destroyed. Words cannot describe what I went through on those days.
Mike was a complete jerk about the situation. He didn't seem to care too much initially. He said I deserved it. He told me that he would leave. The day that I found out the real truth has been the worst day in my life. The ultimate D-Day.
Its been about 3 and a half weeks since I found out the truth. And I am surprised about how strong I have been with all of this but I still don't know what to do. I don't think I can forgive nor forget. The amount of betrayal ran really deep. I just don't want to get over this. I feel that I deserved better than what was done to me. I am not perfect in any way but I am honest. And he lied to me. I don't even know when he is lying or when he is telling the truth anymore.
Kate is a w*ore. I knew this when she was my best friend. She was engaged and cheated so much on her fiancé and I knew these details. I knew that she likes 3-somes, gang bangs, sex with strangers in public washrooms, etc.. This poor excuse for a woman is an embarrassment. I should have known better. I kept this woman around and thought she would actually respect our friendship and not cross certain boundaries. She had slept with other taken men either who are married or in long-term relationships. She really has no shame. I should have known better. I blame myself for having such a horrible person in my life. I was nothing but a great friend to her. Tried to help her out whenever I could and really saw her in a positive light and this is the thanks that I got. She knew everything about Mike and I. She knew how broken I was after we broke up. She was there for me when I cried. She didn't even like Mike and bash him to me whenever she got the chance.
When Mike moved here, Kate was also calling me on the phone and asking how things were going. How excited she was for me to finally have Mike move here. I even confided in her and told her that things were weird between Mike and I. Mike later revealed that Kate had told him everything about what I was telling her. They spoke on the phone everyday for the first month that he was here. They skyped when I wasn't around. He told her he misses her.
So much truth has been revealed and I keep finding out new information. He bought her a necklace before he left. He told her he loved her and he will come back for her. Apparently thats what she has been telling everyone. Mike finally confessed that he did buy her the necklace and that he was lost in the moment with her when he told her that he loved her. He says that she isn't anything to him and that they haven't spoken since D-Day. I don't know if I can believe him anymore.
He is completely transparent. He let me go through his phone, after he deleted all the messages and photos of course. He deleted her contact information and blocked her on Skype. He wants to work things out with me. But I feel so betrayed that I don't know if I honestly can ever forgive this. Betrayed by him. Betrayed by her. I don't know how I am still living my life. I am amazed about how strong I am when I really thought I was weaker.
I wake up thinking about them. I go to sleep thinking about them. Every minute of everyday I think about them. I was told that they only met up 5 times. Once at his house (the start of their affair), three times in hotel rooms, and once just before he left where he gave her the necklace. I know how this woman is sexually so I can only imagine what their sex life consisted of.
Apparently she fell in love with Mike. But she also falls in love with all her men and begs them to leave their current partner for her. None have done this so far. I feel like she thinks this is a game. Of course, I no longer have any contact with Kate. She is dead to me.
I need advice. Is this forgivable? Am I being stupid for even considering? I look at Mike differently now. He is tainted. We haven't had sex or kissed or anything. I just can't. I just imagine him and Kate and thats all I need to be turned off. He tries so hard. He says he is sorry but I don't think he is. He says he regrets it and would do anything to take it back. But I just don't believe that either
Mike claims that he was single when he was with Kate. But technically he was not as we were in a long distance relationship although we were not together physically.
Any thoughts? Advice? Feel free to ask me questions as I was trying to give as much information as I could but I am sure there things I missed out.
Oh and Kate.... her ex fiancé was also a really close friend to Mike. I told him everything from all the cheating, to the lying, and the details with Mike. Mike lost everyone over at the east coast. All his guy friends cut him off. He has no one. I wonder how he was able to risk everything for nothing? He told me he would never be with someone like her. But then it doesn't make sense why he did all of this for nothing? He said he was just extremely hurt. He lost himself. He was not thinking with his head but with his d*ck. He told me that Kate was there for him. She gave him affection, a listening ear and basically became the woman he needed at that time.
I really feel that this has changed me. He was selfish. She was selfish. And I'm left picking up the pieces.
Thoughts?