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Double Betrayal

18K views 91 replies 24 participants last post by  TheTruthHurts 
#1 ·
I have been an active reader on this site since D-day and have found other people's stories helpful in relation to my current situation. But I am looking for advice or guidance or anything helpful to help me through my specific circumstances as its a bit different from anything I have read. So here is my story....

My spouse and I are not married.

I was dating 'Dave' for a couple of months and met his friend 'Mike' during this time. Dave turned out to be a player and our relationship ended faster than it started. Due to a lack of emotional investment on that part Dave and I were able to remain friends. Mike chased me and wanted to start a relationship with me. It took several months but we ended up together. We fell madly in love with each other and were together for 5 years. I ended up losing my job and due to financially instabilities I had to move back home to the west coast as Mike was unable to hold us together financially. Initially the plan was for Mike to make the move to the west coast in a couple of month however that fell through and we ended up breaking up. He stayed on the east coast and I stayed on the west coast.

For a solid 5 months we had no contact then Mike called me to see how life was treating me and we started talking over the phone every now and then. 10 months after our initial break up, I made a trip to visit friends over on the east coast and Mike and I reconnected during that time However it was temporary and I felt it was best that we left our relationship in the past and not start up again. Mike and I had talked every now and then over the phone and tried to be friends but again this was short lived. He wanted more and regretted letting me go but I was hurt and felt that I couldn't allow myself to go back to him.

About 4 months later a group of friends and I headed south for a vacation and Dave was part of this group. Mike was not. Dave and I shared a room together and we spoke about how this would only be a friend-type of trip for us. However, Dave and I ended up sleeping together during our trip a couple of times. We both agreed that it was just for 'fun' and really didn't mean anything in regards to a future together. I hadn't spoken to Mike for a while before and after this trip and truly felt that it was over.

About 3 months later I made another trip back to the east coast to visit friends. It was at this point that Mike and I met up and he told me that he just couldn't continue living without me in his life and he was now ready to do whatever it took to be with me. I started to feel that same as he did as I have not been wanting to date or meet anyone else since he and I spilt. So he and I decided to get back together (long distance) and he would work on his move out to the west coast to start a life with me. As he and I were planning the move, I had to be honest with him about what had happened with Dave. He was completely upset and told me he needed time to see if he can get over me sleeping with Dave. A week later he called me and told me that we can get over this and he can't bare a life without me. This decision was made in September.

He ended up moving to the west coast in October. I was beyond happy and felt that this was it for us. I have dreamt about getting married to him and having a family. I was ready. He was ready. This was our time.

Two days after he landed, he revealed to me that he had been seeing another woman for about 2 months just prior to him moving. (End of August up to October) He had only spilled the beans because we got into an argument and he let it all out. I felt deceived that he wasn't completely honest with me prior to him moving here. In the heat of the moment, he told me that he had fell in love with another woman. I was beyond devastated. He didnt want to tell me anything in detail. He was mean and told me that I deserved it because I had slept with Dave. He said that he wouldn't have done anything with anyone if it wasn't for me having sex with Dave on my vacation.

During his relationship with this OW (end of Aug to Oct), he was calling and messaging me everyday telling me how much he loves me and couldn't wait until he moved to be with me so we can start our life together. There were days were he would disappear for hours on end and he told me that he either fell asleep or was at the gym or that his phone was charging in the other room. I felt something was off but i didn't have any reasons to not trust him. So I believed him.

After the initial confession, he really didn't seem to care weather he stayed or left. I felt trapped because we just signed a new lease that he knew I wasn't able to afford on my own. We argued a lot during the day he made his confession and told me that he even reached out to her again because she was the only one who he can count on. I was even more hurt that now he was still talking to her on the phone. A few days passed and we were able to talk without arguing. I told him that if he even wanted a chance to work things out with me that he would need to cut her off completely from his life. He wasn't a fan of this and kept telling me things like 'we are just friends now'. But in the end, he agreed and told me that he told her he could no longer continue talking to her anymore.

For the following 5 weeks after his initial confession, I just wasn't sure how to deal with this situation. Every time I would ask details about her, he had told me how he met her, what she did for a living, how often they would see each other, etc... I told him that I would try to forgive him and tried to see it from his POW. But he was being extremely shady about the situation and especially about his phone. He took his phone everywhere with him, even when he took a shower. He would never let his phone out of his sight. We didn't argue all the time but when he did, he got very short with me. He threaten to leave. He called me weak. He said I deserved it for what I did to him.

I was extremely affected by this and reached out to a counsellor to help me through his stage. I wanted to forgive him. He made a big change by moving to the west coast for me. I understand that I hurt him by sleeping and going away with Dave. But at the end of the day, I wanted to know who this woman was. I desperately wanted to put a face to the OW.

I felt as we were making some progress but I felt like something was off. I had a feeling that he was still talking to her but he kept reassuring me that he was not. I asked him for a name or a photo. He gave me a first name and a nationality but that was it. No last name (so i couldn't look her up on FB) and no photo. He protected her identity.

We ended up going out with friends and had an amazing night. When we got home, he went to the washroom and he left his phone on the kitchen counter. I took his phone (my only opportunity) and wanted to see if there were any messages or photos that I can find to help me figure out who this woman was. I opened up the messages and I found out the truth. The OW was my best friend in the east coast.

They had been talking the entire time he moved to be with me. She has been sending him X rated videos and photos of herself. Videos were just like porn. She was sending him selfies almost every day. She called him things like 'my love' and said things like how she misses him and wants him to come back. I couldn't bare to read it all that moment I was in utter shock.

When Mike came out of the washroom, I looked at him and said the OW was Kate???? He instantly got mad that I went through his phone and refused to talk to me about it. He was more focus on the fact that I went through his phone then the fact that he was messing around with my so-called best friend. I wrote Kate a message and told her that I read the messages between Mike and her and demanded answers. She called me and we spoke. She told me that YES they did slept together, the details were none of my business, that I slept with Dave so in her mind this was okay and that it was only 'sex'.

I have never cried so much in my life then the amount that I cried over this. I didn't eat or sleep or drink anything for a solid 4 days. I cried so much, to the point that I felt sorry for myself. I was beyond destroyed. Words cannot describe what I went through on those days.

Mike was a complete jerk about the situation. He didn't seem to care too much initially. He said I deserved it. He told me that he would leave. The day that I found out the real truth has been the worst day in my life. The ultimate D-Day.

Its been about 3 and a half weeks since I found out the truth. And I am surprised about how strong I have been with all of this but I still don't know what to do. I don't think I can forgive nor forget. The amount of betrayal ran really deep. I just don't want to get over this. I feel that I deserved better than what was done to me. I am not perfect in any way but I am honest. And he lied to me. I don't even know when he is lying or when he is telling the truth anymore.

Kate is a w*ore. I knew this when she was my best friend. She was engaged and cheated so much on her fiancé and I knew these details. I knew that she likes 3-somes, gang bangs, sex with strangers in public washrooms, etc.. This poor excuse for a woman is an embarrassment. I should have known better. I kept this woman around and thought she would actually respect our friendship and not cross certain boundaries. She had slept with other taken men either who are married or in long-term relationships. She really has no shame. I should have known better. I blame myself for having such a horrible person in my life. I was nothing but a great friend to her. Tried to help her out whenever I could and really saw her in a positive light and this is the thanks that I got. She knew everything about Mike and I. She knew how broken I was after we broke up. She was there for me when I cried. She didn't even like Mike and bash him to me whenever she got the chance.

When Mike moved here, Kate was also calling me on the phone and asking how things were going. How excited she was for me to finally have Mike move here. I even confided in her and told her that things were weird between Mike and I. Mike later revealed that Kate had told him everything about what I was telling her. They spoke on the phone everyday for the first month that he was here. They skyped when I wasn't around. He told her he misses her.

So much truth has been revealed and I keep finding out new information. He bought her a necklace before he left. He told her he loved her and he will come back for her. Apparently thats what she has been telling everyone. Mike finally confessed that he did buy her the necklace and that he was lost in the moment with her when he told her that he loved her. He says that she isn't anything to him and that they haven't spoken since D-Day. I don't know if I can believe him anymore.

He is completely transparent. He let me go through his phone, after he deleted all the messages and photos of course. He deleted her contact information and blocked her on Skype. He wants to work things out with me. But I feel so betrayed that I don't know if I honestly can ever forgive this. Betrayed by him. Betrayed by her. I don't know how I am still living my life. I am amazed about how strong I am when I really thought I was weaker.

I wake up thinking about them. I go to sleep thinking about them. Every minute of everyday I think about them. I was told that they only met up 5 times. Once at his house (the start of their affair), three times in hotel rooms, and once just before he left where he gave her the necklace. I know how this woman is sexually so I can only imagine what their sex life consisted of.

Apparently she fell in love with Mike. But she also falls in love with all her men and begs them to leave their current partner for her. None have done this so far. I feel like she thinks this is a game. Of course, I no longer have any contact with Kate. She is dead to me.

I need advice. Is this forgivable? Am I being stupid for even considering? I look at Mike differently now. He is tainted. We haven't had sex or kissed or anything. I just can't. I just imagine him and Kate and thats all I need to be turned off. He tries so hard. He says he is sorry but I don't think he is. He says he regrets it and would do anything to take it back. But I just don't believe that either

Mike claims that he was single when he was with Kate. But technically he was not as we were in a long distance relationship although we were not together physically.

Any thoughts? Advice? Feel free to ask me questions as I was trying to give as much information as I could but I am sure there things I missed out.

Oh and Kate.... her ex fiancé was also a really close friend to Mike. I told him everything from all the cheating, to the lying, and the details with Mike. Mike lost everyone over at the east coast. All his guy friends cut him off. He has no one. I wonder how he was able to risk everything for nothing? He told me he would never be with someone like her. But then it doesn't make sense why he did all of this for nothing? He said he was just extremely hurt. He lost himself. He was not thinking with his head but with his d*ck. He told me that Kate was there for him. She gave him affection, a listening ear and basically became the woman he needed at that time.

I really feel that this has changed me. He was selfish. She was selfish. And I'm left picking up the pieces.

Thoughts?
 
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#2 ·
You two were broken up when you slept with Dave, right? None of Mike's business then.

Lose those two. Mike is more trouble than he is worth, and Kate is not a friend.

My only worry right now would be getting out of the lease. Do you have a plan for that?
 
#3 ·
My goodness... why are you willing to subject yourself to this?

Let go of both... it will be easier to be mindful without all the detrimental drama.
 
#4 ·
Yes Mike and I were completely broken up when I was with Dave. We didn't speak for a while beforehand and started talking again a little bit afterwards.

I don't have much of a plan right now with the lease. I am trying to figure out if I can potentially take it on, on my own. I just feel so wronged by this whole situation. If only he had be honest with me prior to him moving out here then I would have the ability to actually figure out if I could forgive him or not. It would have been much easier to walk away seeing as I was doing fine on my own. He gave me such false hopes and just lied to my face.

I am just in awe about the whole situation. I wonder if there will be a day where I no longer am consumed by the thought of those two together. I am disgusted.
 
#5 ·
Let it go... it is healthier for you.
 
#12 ·
Heartbroken, you have been through so much.
What you did affected Mike of course but he is acting so mean because of his ego, not because you did anything wrong. He is trying to equate you sleeping with Dave the same as he did with Kate but it is not the same thing. You know deep down you have to cleanse your life of Mike, he is no good for you and here is why:

1. you spent many years with this man and yet he didn't think you were worth making sacrifices for initially
2. after five years why could he not hold things together financially
3. i doubt very much he wasnt sleeping with lots of women in the intervening years
4.he committed to a long distance relationship but cheated with Kate
5. I am sure he knew of Kate's reputation but that did not stop him which says alot about his character
6. He spills the beans in an argument because he wanted to hurt you and is self righteous feeling justified even though when you slept with Dave you were single
6. His continuing deception is typical cheater, having his cake and eating it while making a decision whether to stay or not.
7. He was more focused on his privacy than the hurt he caused you
8. Even though he could see you in a distraught state, he continued to lie and be mean

All of this shows
1. he is self centred, it is all about him
2. he is a man of very low morals
3. a man of very poor character
4. He does not love you - not the way a man starting off a new relationship should
5. he will cause you more heartache and you will be the scapegoat when things go wrong

DUMP him ASAP!
 
#17 ·
You are right. Mike has told me that we are 'even' now so we can continue our life together. Its so ridiculous that not only am I angry. I am hurt and just destroyed. It is not the same. Mike and I were completely done when I got with Dave. And Dave and I were not planned. We were some what friends and never planned on being more than that. We were on vacation. We were a couple like 7 years ago and it was not anything serious at all. And what makes me absolutely furious is that when Mike and I didnt to reconnect again, I KNEW that I had to be honest with him before anything else could happen. I knew I had to tell him about Dave before he made his trip over to the west coast. He made me feel absolutely awful about what I did. I do take sex very serious. I am not one who has "fun", not even close. I can count the number of men I have been with on one hand and I am in the mid 30s! I justified sleeping with Dave for 'fun' because I thought what the heck, I already slept with them before, whats the harm in doing it again when I am single? I am not saying that this was the BEST decision. I am not perfect, not even close. But I am considerate of those close to me. I am loyal and god knows I am honest. This is why I feel like this was not right, what they did to me I KNEW I didnt deserve. All the lies and the sneaky behind my back. Kate would call me to see if I was at work still then call Mike to Skype before I got home. WHO DOES THAT?

Kate would constantly ask how Mike and I were doing? Like I can see that she wanted to hear negative things. I remember a time when I told her that Mike was so serious about our relationship, that he told me he wanted to get married and have kids and that I was the one for him. She got mad at me which I thought it was because she never liked him but actually it was because she was inlove with him and wanting him to leave me for her.

To couldnt hold things together financially for us because he was barely able to hold a job back then. Even the job he was able to hold down for a couple of months, he didnt make such money. I was the sole bread maker for a long time. I also had encourage him to go for more and tried to help him apply himself. He is doing well now financially though. But for most of the 5 years that we were together and living together, I paid 80% of everything. So when I lost my job, I had no choice but to leave as he was not able to support me when I needed it.
 
#13 ·
It's Dave, No it's Mike, No Kate's in the middle... wasn't this episode 25 from Beverly Hills, 90210?

Seriously... no marriage, no vows, no contract, no commitment... "just friends"... NO Infidelity!
 
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#18 ·
Kate is a special type of person when it comes to sex. I personally think that she has some kind of mental issue. When we were friends, I had try to help her with this 'sex addition' as she was engaged to an amazing man but cheating on him every chance she got. It was sickening. She would tell me that I am a prude and to loosen up. She is only 32 and has been with over 80 men at least! She told me that she lost count and she thinks its hilarious. I feel like the biggest idiot because I knew her ways and I was so stupid to think she would respect me as a friend and not cross those boundaries. I dont think I will ever forgive myself for being so naive.

However, as I uncovered more truth it looks like Mike and Kate developed some kinds of feelings towards eachother. Its weird. I cant even explain it. For a solid two weeks after Mike arrived here, she would call him everyday and cry to him that she misses him and to come back. Before Mike left, he gave her a necklace as a gift and told her he loved her and that he would come back to her.

Why in the hell did Mike even bother to come to the west coast? I am so ultimately confused by this. He has spent over $5000 relocating to be with me. If they were so 'inlove' why even bother? I was fine before he came. I had a home I was comfortable in. He came here to destroy me and put me in a situation that I really dont know how to get out of. I am seriously broken.

Now he tells me that he is soooooo sorry and he was an idiot and how he loves me blah blah blah. Just to be clear, I have not slept with him or even kissed him since I found out. I cant. I am really grossed out. I told him that I dont think I can ever be with him again. He tells me that he will wait forever if thats what it takes. I asked him to leave but he doesnt want to. He has even offered couple counselling. But I just dont want to work it out with him. Although I love him, I dont think i am inlove with him anymore. The devastation was too much. But I feel scared to really push him out of my life. What is wrong with me?
 
#20 ·
Oh I know. What a jacka**. When I asked him why he didnt tell me over the phone before any commitments were made, he told me that he never intended on telling me anything. He knew one day he would have to tell me, but he was hoping this was after we got married and had a couple of kids. WOW.

I know I cant be with him. I know I can never forgive him nor forget. I feel scared I guess. I am 35 and was just ready to move into the next phase in my life. And now I feel hopeless. This was the one guy that I really thought was it for me. I have forgiven him for a lot of crap in the past. But when it comes to cheating ESPECIALLY when someone I know, I dont think i should move past this. I feel like if it was any of woman, maybe I would reconsider. But because it was her, I just cant.

Ironically, Kate was always envious of me. I am pretty successful in my career, I am independent, I have assets, I have a university degree, I travel the world, and when we meet men together they usually give me more attention and tell her that I am 'cute'.

I know that she was envious as she has told me. I tried to bring her up. She lives with her parents, couldnt get a job for over 2 years, is seriously in debt, doesnt travel unless someone else pays, doesnt have an education (shes not very smart and talk about empty subjects) and she is not the best looking. She doesnt take care of herself at all, does drugs, drinks alot of alcohol and smokes like a chimney.

I was that friend that encouraged her to make the right choices, showed her how to dress with class, bought her expensive gifts on her birthday, really tried to be there for her and supported her whenever I could. I helped her write her resume, helped her look for jobs online, reached out to my own contacts for assistance, and practiced job interviewing questions with her. When her engagement started falling apart, I was the one who helped her through it emotionally. When she had issues with her parents, I was the one who tried to get her advice or at least a listening ear. The fact that SHE did this to me left me in pieces. I did so much for this girl and she took me heart from my chest, stepped on it, spit on it, laughed at it then basically told me to get over it because it was only 'sex'. How do people like her even live with themselves?
 
#16 ·
This reads like a soap opera.

Do yourself the biggest favor in life and dump your dead weight x3.

Then get to therapy to work on your self-esteem and self worth, and when you're more healed, live in the way you want to be treated.
 
#23 ·
Mike isn't worth it. He's blaming you for having sex with Dave. So what, you're all adults and NSA sex legal and acceptable.

You get points for being honest for having NSA sex with Dave for a few days. Mike is a jerk. A mature man would have said thanks for the honesty. Even if you had sex with 50 men, it's none of Mikes biz to be pissed because you two were NOT dating.

Mike was having a sexual relationship with Kate before he talked to you about moving out west and faked anger as he continued having sex with her. Likely they were doing the nasty until he left the East coast.

She is not just NSA sex. They are sexting and doing porn. He seems to want you for looks and kids and wife and have a sex sloot to do freaky stuff with.

Talk to the office, remove yourself from the lease, may be a $600 penalty then move out. Before he does.

He wasted your time. If you want kids, you should do it before you hit 40 as the complications go up fast year by year over the age of 35. Downs syndrome rates go up, etc.
 
#30 ·
Everyone is tainted. If you felt so deeply for Mike, it's pretty messed up you hopped on Dave and sexed him. Mikes a pig too. I would like to get Kate's number though. But I digress, shake the cobwebs loose. You all sound like kids and nobody has made one mature thought. Are you so afraid of connecting with someone because of...Mike? Really?
 
#37 ·
Dave and I got together about a year after Mike and I had officially split and we were not talking or had any hopes or R during that time. Truth be told, I thought Mike and I were done for good. If I had ever thought Mike and I had a little bit of a chance to R then I would have never have been with Dave.

I know we all sound like kids, I can't believe that I am in such a situation like this. I would have never have dreamt of this happening to me. I am just absolutely broken inside. I don't think I am being immature or anything just really broken really. Still in the process of putting myself together.

Could anyone give me an idea of how long it takes someone on average to begin to feel normal again? I know we are all different but I feel like this nightmare will never end. I just want to feel whole again.
 
#39 · (Edited)
heartbroken_ : This is a life lesson. Take it as that and move on quickly.

Plan you exit strategy right now, if not already. Move out, don't worry about what effect it has on Mike. He disrespected you in many ways so you do NOT owe him anything. If he ends up on the street, bad credit, lost money, etc etc - so what, move OUT in the next few days, stay with a friend until you find another place. Anything.

Look at it this way, your PAIN would be FAR FAR greater if you found out 5 years from now, when you're 40 with 1-2 kids, married, and have some dependency on him. Then you'd be MORE stuck... and even after divorce, you'd have to deal with custody battles and visitations with mike. UGH!

Also, you can bet Mike would be having sex with Kate whenever you guys meet up, even at the wedding. Maybe have sex with other women and increase the chances of giving your STDs.

We cannot stress how much that you NEED to leave this guy ASAP. If you were to move out next week, I would bet that Mike will be back with Kate before 2017. There is nothing worth saving here. Him lying to you and then blaming YOU for problems, and blaming YOU for having sex with Dave when you were NOT even with Mike shows many many problems. Mike would have gotten worse in time, hiding it from you as long as he could.

That would have been the WORST thing to have happened. Which meant your "future" relationship with Mike was a lie to begin with when he made plans to come live on the west coast.
 
#40 ·
To heartbroken_

Move on ASAP. You've already stated your concerns about age and having children. Mike has wasted a number of years with you.

And you have to do your best to not let desperation make choices for your future. I am someone who looks at data, articles from professionals, etc. When I decided to marry my wife, I was aware she couldn't have kids. She was torn up by that. But by chance, we did have a child and it was a very high-risk pregnancy that had complications that still affect her health to this day. Recently, a family member at age 30 had a good pregnancy and lost her baby. :(

With data and such, age 25~30 is the best time to get married/serious relationship and have children about 2~3 years later. Age 40+ grows by each year. Its best to have 2-3 years of healthy relationship to hopefully know you have a good partner for the long-haul and child-rearing.

So don't want to rush and choose a guy, get married in months, have a baby before the 1yr together and then find out he has issues. Mind you, some people are fakes 10+ year into marriage :(

So I do recommend you start dating guys as soon as you think you can. Meet a lot. You don't have to sleep with them. 5 guys isn't much to learn from. There are many variables that need to be meet. Because I had lots of partners before I meet my wife - I pretty much knew what I didn't want, like never marry a girl with tattoos. But I fell for my wife (has tattoos) on our first date... we had sex 2 hours after we meet, married 2 months after that and have been together for 6 years and are surviving the biggest challenge a couple can face.

You may not know when you may meet that special guy, but you need to put yourself out there. IRL or online. A friend of mine is in a great 4-yr relationship with a man she meet on a dating site. You'll meet nice guys and creepers anywhere.

Your variables:
- physical Attract to him
- Personality (does you like his?)
- sexual compatibility (if he sucks in the sack, means unhappy marriage) what may work for him, my not work for you.
- stability (job, legal problems)
- annoyances (we all have traits that are not perfect. I'm still working on mine)
- health
- longterm compatibility
- child-rearing ideas
- does he want children?
- maybe he's not a dog person and you have two of them?
- etc.

You'd need to be kind of upfront with your goals, but not in a way that chases off a man... or in a way, that allows a player to PLAY you.
IE: I wouldn't want to be with a woman who wants me to get her pregnant - and most of us guys are aware of the age/time issue. A player would use that against you for the sex, wasting time and then dumping you when he can't keep you pulling your chain. Networking can be good too. There have been a few women (some I dated) that I friended and recommended to others for dating.

There are many great guys in their 30s~50 or so that can be a good husband, lover and father. Just make sure you want to show that you are honest, faithful that you want the same for which to have a family.

When you told Mike about your vacation time with Dave... If that was me you were telling, I would have given you A++ score. You seem to have valuable traits (but we all make mistakes) that Mike didn't recognize by OTHER MEN would. Don't be ashamed to tell a guy about it either, if he asks about your past. Because think of it this way...

The point of time with Mike and dealing with his bullcrap will lead you to someone else that will be thankful that Mike was a jerk. That why its a life lesson and he isn't worth your tear.

PS: My friend who meet her great man of 4 years; I have known her for 10 years... I told her to dump her previous BF because he was abusive. I didn't want to her hear more complaints about him. Either dump him or live with him. 2 weeks after that talk, she dumped him after a 2+ year relationship. She spent about 5 weeks getting over the breakup, started casual dating, 2-3 weeks after that she meet her guy online. I hope they get married, they are perfect for each other in everyway than any of them men before. He's been there for her when she needed it. They too had some challenges in which they both grew up as adults and are doing great today.

Don't let Mike and Kate waste another day of your life.
 
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#41 ·
Your story has echoes @LosingHim. Her husband J, his best friend and his best friend's wife match up with Kate, Mike, and Dave. Note not in the details but attitudes.

Your "friend" Kate sounds like she is either a BPD or a CSA victim. Don't try helping her, she will destroy you.
 
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#43 ·
I will read up on LosingHim's story, I feel it helps when you see other people are experiencing similar issues as you are. Hence why I find this forum to be very helpful during this difficult time.

What does BPD or a CSA stand for?

I have to say that I have good days and I have bad days. Mike and I have been able to communicate in the last few days with respect and understanding. He no longer has or makes excuses for his behaviour. He even told me the other day that I didnt deserve this and that he loves me so much that he just cant allow himself to even try to be with me after what he did. He looks and sounds like he has remorse. And although I may even believe him, I just will never be able to get passed what he and Kate did behind my behind my back. Its all the lying that also killed me. Theres nothing more than I hate than a liar.

We have set up a plan for him to move out and he has asked me for some time seeing as it super difficult to find anything in this city. He told me that he doesnt plan to move back to the East Coast. If anything, it sounds like he wants to give me space, move out, let me do what I need to do, then he will see how I have been and if it would at all be possible to give it a shot again. So basically, he told me he would wait for me and see how I feel later.

I am really too emotional, betrayed, and upset about this whole thing. I just need my space from him. I know that. Every time I see him, I just get reminded of what he did to me.
 
#44 ·
Border line personality disorder

Childhood Sexual Sexual Abuse

FOO is famly of origin
 
#46 ·
Another thing I wanted to add is that he admit yet another piece to me last night about this 'affair'. Mike and Kate got a hotel room 2 days before he was scheduled to depart. He told me they had sex once in the night and once in the morning. So that would bring it to about 24 hours prior to us being together. *yuck*

Mike told me that he and Kate exchanged 'good-bye' gifts. He gave her the necklace and she bought him an iPod mini. He told her that he loved her and that he would be back for her.

In the total 5 years that Mike and I were together, he never EVER bought me a piece of jewelry. Not a necklace, not earrings nor a bracelet. So even knowing that he bought this poor excuse for a woman a $80 necklace is just adding onto the fire. When he landed, he gave me a pair of earring and necklace. Obviously I returned them back to him after the truth came out. But he even told me that he showed him to Kate.

What is wrong with Mike? Can someone at all try to explain his behaviour and actions? He told this woman he loved her, missed her and even bought her a nice necklace. Then told me he didnt mean any of it and was lost in that moment. Its beyond ridiculous. I just wish I could go back in time and tell him to not bother even coming. This guy came here to mess up my heart and life. I was fine before he came. This angers me.
 
#51 ·
Mike told me that he and Kate exchanged 'good-bye' gifts. He gave her the necklace and she bought him an iPod mini. He told her that he loved her and that he would be back for her.

In the total 5 years that Mike and I were together, he never EVER bought me a piece of jewelry. Not a necklace, not earrings nor a bracelet.
I wonder what she was doing for him that you weren't. Maybe he gave her a pearl necklace.
 
#53 ·
Hmmm what would make you say that exactly? I am not easy. I will tell you that. It took him a long time to initially have sex with me when we first started dating. He even told me that is one of the things that made him fall for me because all his other women that he had gave it up much much faster. I made him wait approximately 6 months. And we saw eachother every day (almost). So I do welcome your POW however I must ask for clarity as to why you would say that I am easy and how he has never treated me like 'the one'. Please elaborate....
 
#59 ·
I should also mention that we were had our talk a couple nights back and he told me that he always loved me however during our time apart (almost 2 years) the feelings werent as strong in those months where we were in a LD relationship. So that was another factor he opened himself to Kate and he thought about if he could actually date her eventually. Then he told me that he was fond of her and liked her but never loved her. He told me that even those feelings weren't strong enough for her to actually stay. He said that he always saw his future with me. He told me that being with her for that month emotionally affected him and thus is why he continued talking to her for about 2-3 weeks after he landed. Then he said as he and I started reconnecting again, he started to feel guilty about what he was doing and slowly started to stop talking to her as much and their conversations went from "I miss you" to more friendly conversations like "how is life?".

He told me he was sorry. He said spending the time with me again and reconnecting with me brought back all those intense feelings of love that he said weren't as strong when we were in a LD relationship. He has told me that he will do anything to make it up to me but knows he f***ed up.
 
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