It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 390Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #136 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:22 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,995
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
We got married too quickly. When we met, he was actually my manager at this restaurant/bar that we both worked at. It was in a little college town. So it's not surprise that he continues to go for girls that he works with. I mean... he did it to me. But it was different then because we were young and single.

We got pregnant with our son after just a few months of dating. Our parents pressured us to marry (mostly his). I feel like they pressured him to marry me because they knew I was a catch. I am not trying to talk myself up here. Because right now.. in many ways... i feel like the ugliest woman on the planet. But I feel like to his parents, I would be a great fit.

I mean think about it... If I leave... he is still where he was at 5 years ago when we married. Working in a restaurant.
I have grown a lot ... I am going places. I WILL BE OKAY.
If i leave.. he loses his good guy status with everyone else.


Anyway - he says that he wants to have a relationship with me now and that he realizes he has never treated me right. He says he knows that we have to basically start from scratch and that he is willing to do that.
I won't 100 percent talk bad about him... he DID quit smoking. He used to stay up super late playing video games.. then would sleep in ... now he goes to bed with me and wakes up with me. It makes such a difference to have help with the kids early in the morning.
He has started helping me cook. We have had great conversation. It's like we are FINALLY having the relationship that we should have had all along.
But that doesn't mean that it's enough to make me stay. I can have this kind of relationship with anyone. Plus he has put me through too much...

my mind is going CRAZY. the best advice I ever got was that I don't have to make a decision right now.. today... I can wait.
When did this "epiphany" happen after he got caught cheating? 5 years from now he is still going to be managing and trying to pick up young girls. Just telling you. Sunk Cost Fallacy.

sokillme is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #137 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:11 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,865
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I agree. Sometimes I wonder how he even watches TV right now. Like... I will walk out into the living room and he is so into this movie. or when he is taking a shower, he will turn on the radio... listening to this happy music. and inside I am wishing he would just stop. STOP BEING HAPPY. How can he be so content? While all I do is cry?
He is escaping. Escaping is often a trait that makes one susceptible to an affair.

Adegirl, I think the poster that asked you about his underlying character brought up a fantastic line of reasoning for you to consider.

Through that lens, your husband does not sound like a high character person. In fact, he sounds like someone who lays down when faced with difficulties.

Frankly, that does not sound like someone with which one should build a life.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
post #138 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:15 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,865
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Okay, I just caught up to the weed part.

You married a man-child. You have clearly outgrown him.

You are right not to rush to a decision. However, I would make him earn this marriage every damn day. If he can't handle that, then it should be time to set him free to find another employee for him to hit on.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
 
post #139 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:27 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,931
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Okay, I just caught up to the weed part.

You married a man-child. You have clearly outgrown him.

You are right not to rush to a decision. However, I would make him earn this marriage every damn day. If he can't handle that, then it should be time to set him free to find another employee for him to hit on.
This

He needs to see what he has done, I don't think he really has. You tell him, you will make a decision when you are in a more rational place. In the meantime he needs to think about what he has done and how he is gonna make it up to you. It will give you a clearer picture as to whether he is worth keeping. He is already 30 and sounds like a bit of a loser to be honest. However, young men change and step up to the plate sometimes........
aine is online now  
post #140 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 12:19 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,254
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

@adegirl2016 It sounds like you have grown out of him. He seems to be stuck in time, both emotionally and professionally, while you have continued to move forward and grow. The more I learn about you and your situation, the more impressed I am by your achievements... and the more I think your husband is a loser.

Your situation sounds a little like mine, except my story lacks the children and my XH didn't cheat on me. We met when I was 22 and he was 28; I was a server and he was a kitchen manager. At the time, I was in a pretty bad place, had (kind of) failed out of college and didn't know what to do with my life... and this older man, who seemed to have his sh!t together, because he was a manager, was into me, it made me feel like I mattered, that I was worth something. And that gave me encouragement and courage to go back and finish my undergrad degree part-time while I worked full-time, and by the time I finished my undergrad, I knew I wanted to go to grad school as well. By the time I finished grad school, I realized I was a completely different person than I was ten years earlier when I met him. I had moved forward by leaps and bounds during those 10 years... and he hadn't, at all. He was stagnant... no, he wasn't event stagnant; he regressed. He was working as a bartender, after he was requested to resign from his previous management position.

Among other things, I realized that the person I had become and grown into didn't belong with him anymore. I realized that I deserved better; I deserved more than he was able to give to me. He wasn't capable of a emotionally mature, adult relationship--I had been trying to drag him, kicking and screaming, into a healthy relationship for years, but he lacked the emotional intelligence and health to do it. Couples are supposed to grow together, and when one person grows and the other doesn't, well, the relationship usually stops working.

I hope you and your husband can work things out, but I think you deserve better than what he's been giving you.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #141 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:59 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,376
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I was married for decades to a man who never grew up. Financially, he was very successful but emotionally he remained a little boy. That made for a difficult life.

Time moves faster than you can imagine. It seems the other day I was your age with a baby but that was long ago and I can't get those decades back. I hope your husband grows up and maybe he will. Have a plan in case he doesn't.
Openminded is offline  
post #142 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:00 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,513
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

@adegirl2016 I hesitate to write this because it's inflammatory but it is my opinion. So I apologize to anyone on TAM who feels I'm maligning them

My W went to a good university and got her degree in restaurant management. Her first job was kitchen manager at a famous big city department store restaurant - but earning an hourly wage and only being paid 40 hours a week (working at least 60).

Years passed and she progressed up the ladder at a few places and ended up a GM over an operation with 7 restaurants, 100 hourly associates, and evening special events. Probably one of the biggest GM jobs in the system.

But she always had stories... this manager did this, this one didn't do that... a pattern emerged. Basically all the male restaurant managers were losers. These are hard, operational, high volume jobs with low paid hourly workers and turnover is high and customers are difficult. Good quality people often rise up out of those jobs - and a few stay and are exceptional which is why they can stay. But the rest couldn't hold a traditional job IMO.

I eventually told my W to change her viewpoint - if she has 8 managers at a particular point in time and only 2 are failing, call it a success. And that pattern worked great after that. It's just a matter of accepting what you have to work with.

Your H fits this profile to a tee! And not the exceptional outlier manager. I'm sorry but his past behavior and character make it likely - IMO as an Internet dude who doesn't know you guys - that he won't keep pace with you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #143 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 153
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@adegirl2016 I hesitate to write this because it's inflammatory but it is my opinion. So I apologize to anyone on TAM who feels I'm maligning them

My W went to a good university and got her degree in restaurant management. Her first job was kitchen manager at a famous big city department store restaurant - but earning an hourly wage and only being paid 40 hours a week (working at least 60).

Years passed and she progressed up the ladder at a few places and ended up a GM over an operation with 7 restaurants, 100 hourly associates, and evening special events. Probably one of the biggest GM jobs in the system.

But she always had stories... this manager did this, this one didn't do that... a pattern emerged. Basically all the male restaurant managers were losers. These are hard, operational, high volume jobs with low paid hourly workers and turnover is high and customers are difficult. Good quality people often rise up out of those jobs - and a few stay and are exceptional which is why they can stay. But the rest couldn't hold a traditional job IMO.

I eventually told my W to change her viewpoint - if she has 8 managers at a particular point in time and only 2 are failing, call it a success. And that pattern worked great after that. It's just a matter of accepting what you have to work with.

Your H fits this profile to a tee! And not the exceptional outlier manager. I'm sorry but his past behavior and character make it likely - IMO as an Internet dude who doesn't know you guys - that he won't keep pace with you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Through working in restaurants myself (IN COLLEGE) i can attest to this. and I am sure there are a few good ones out there. My husbands direct manager seemed like one of them. But for the most part, most do fall in this category.

My husband has had several interviews last week with companies that would give him an office job. He is waiting to hear back from one in particular that we are hopeful for. I hope that he can get out of this industry. Not that it would change his character, but it has to help some. Instead of working with a bunch of young teenage girls, he would be working with real adults. I know real adults have affairs too.. but still..
adegirl2016 is offline  
post #144 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:18 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,254
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@adegirl2016 I hesitate to write this because it's inflammatory but it is my opinion. So I apologize to anyone on TAM who feels I'm maligning them

My W went to a good university and got her degree in restaurant management. Her first job was kitchen manager at a famous big city department store restaurant - but earning an hourly wage and only being paid 40 hours a week (working at least 60).

Years passed and she progressed up the ladder at a few places and ended up a GM over an operation with 7 restaurants, 100 hourly associates, and evening special events. Probably one of the biggest GM jobs in the system.

But she always had stories... this manager did this, this one didn't do that... a pattern emerged. Basically all the male restaurant managers were losers. These are hard, operational, high volume jobs with low paid hourly workers and turnover is high and customers are difficult. Good quality people often rise up out of those jobs - and a few stay and are exceptional which is why they can stay. But the rest couldn't hold a traditional job IMO.

I eventually told my W to change her viewpoint - if she has 8 managers at a particular point in time and only 2 are failing, call it a success. And that pattern worked great after that. It's just a matter of accepting what you have to work with.

Your H fits this profile to a tee! And not the exceptional outlier manager. I'm sorry but his past behavior and character make it likely - IMO as an Internet dude who doesn't know you guys - that he won't keep pace with you.
I have to say that I agree with this. A lot of the male managers that I worked with... tended to be losers. One was fired for selling drugs out of the office, one died of a cocaine overdose in the living room of one of the servers, one was having an EA online and asked me and my XH if his AP could stay at our place while she was in town, another (who had previously been promoted to area director for the chain) was fired for sleeping with an hourly employee, another was an alcoholic who spent most of his spare cash on houseboys/male escorts... the list goes on and on. And a LOT of them were horndogs--some of them were obvious about it, but the smart ones kept it on the DL so that very few people knew. I was in a strange position to know this because of my XH--since I was secretly dating a kitchen manager, which the other managers about (but none of the hourly staff did), I would hang out with the sometimes, and I knew a LOT of their dirty business that other people didn't. The few GOOD male managers I worked with moved up the ladder to corporate jobs, leveraged that managerial experience to move into another field (sometime related, like hotel management), or opened their own restaurants. I didn't work with as many female managers, but those with whom I did work didn't stay in the restaurant industry for long. One moved into hotel management, specializing in training and recruitment, and another left the industry completely and now works as an executive assistant for a non-profit. There was one manager I worked with who was getting her undergrad degree part-time, so I assume that she eventually left the industry. There was only one female manager I know who stayed in the industry, and that was because her husband was military and they moved around a lot, and for her it was a pretty portable career.

After what I saw working in the restaurant industry, I will never again date a man who works in a restaurant. The excessive drinking, drug use, and sex/infidelity runs rampant, and I don't want that in my life. Not worth it.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #145 of 285 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 153
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I am back again with some updates. Also because I need "someone" to talk to but anywhere but here is going to be a biased opinion.

Anyway...

So he went with me to the doctor to be STD tested. I am so glad I brought him. The doctor remembered us from when we had the baby a few weeks ago. So it was super awkward for my husband (GOOD). He also talked about birth control methods with me. I told him I wanted NO more kids. but he recommended, in front of my husband, that due to the situation, I should not do anything permanent. He says that I may want to have children with future partners.
I think that really hit my husband in the gut.

When we left the doctor, my husband called my dad. He apologized for what he put me and my family through. There were tears on both sides. My dad recommended to both of us that we try to move on and stop bringing it up.

My husband and I have had a good relationship. He is still open to any questions. He still seems to be trying.

My problem is that everything is starting to feel normal again. Not the same as before, but I can feel that we are getting to a better place. As much as I should enjoy this, it is actually making me sad all over again. I am not ready for us to be a normal couple again. I am not over this. Does this mean that he should be doing more to reconcile? If so, what?

Should I really stop bringing it up? I am not ready to stop. I can see why I should... there is no way to move forward if I don't. but I also don't want him to be too comfortable.

What can help me/him/us at this point?

adegirl2016 is offline  
post #146 of 285 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 01:55 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,995
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
My dad recommended to both of us that we try to move on and stop bringing it up.
Your dad is wrong. That is called rug-sweeping and usually ends up destroying the marriage it just takes longer. Your husband needs to confront the type of man he is. That means long hard work with a flashlight shining at every crack so he can sure them up.

Proceed at your own risk. Personally, I think you can do much better than a grown man getting high all the time and going over to hs GF's house while his wife has his baby. Right now your are more like your husband's Mom.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-06-2017 at 11:02 PM.
sokillme is offline  
post #147 of 285 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 02:13 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,254
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I am back again with some updates. Also because I need "someone" to talk to but anywhere but here is going to be a biased opinion.

Anyway...

So he went with me to the doctor to be STD tested. I am so glad I brought him. The doctor remembered us from when we had the baby a few weeks ago. So it was super awkward for my husband (GOOD). He also talked about birth control methods with me. I told him I wanted NO more kids. but he recommended, in front of my husband, that due to the situation, I should not do anything permanent. He says that I may want to have children with future partners.
I think that really hit my husband in the gut.

When we left the doctor, my husband called my dad. He apologized for what he put me and my family through. There were tears on both sides. My dad recommended to both of us that we try to move on and stop bringing it up.

My husband and I have had a good relationship. He is still open to any questions. He still seems to be trying.

My problem is that everything is starting to feel normal again. Not the same as before, but I can feel that we are getting to a better place. As much as I should enjoy this, it is actually making me sad all over again. I am not ready for us to be a normal couple again. I am not over this. Does this mean that he should be doing more to reconcile? If so, what?

Should I really stop bringing it up? I am not ready to stop. I can see why I should... there is no way to move forward if I don't. but I also don't want him to be too comfortable.

What can help me/him/us at this point?
Your doctor is AWESOME. Most of the time, it ticks me off when a doctor advises a female patient (who says she doesn't want any more children), "I don't recommend permanent birth control because you might change your mind," which implies that the doctor thinks he knows better than the woman does about what she wants. But in this case, I think it was absolutely the right thing for him to say, because a) he is sending the message to your husband that, dude, you really fvcked this up and you might lose her, and b) it is a bad idea to make permanent, potentially life-altering decisions when you are in a state of distress, and the current situation certainly applies.

I'm glad your husband called your dad to apologize. That's big. BUT your dad is way wrong in his recommendation that you try to move on and stop bringing it up. I get why he said it. You're his baby girl, and he doesn't want you to be hurt, he doesn't want to see you in pain. He thinks it's the talking about it that is causing you pain, and he thinks if the talking stops, the pain will stop. But it won't. The pain will just go under the surface and fester on its own, and it will eventually rear it's ugly head at some point down the road. What your father is advocating for is rug sweeping, which isn't healthy and isn't going to solve your problems. In a superficial way, things may be better in a cosmetic sense, but the underlying problems won't be dealt with and will create bigger havoc down the road.

Say you have mold in your bathroom wall. You can treat it properly, and get to the root of the problem and fix the source of the mold to make sure that it never comes back. It's a PITA in the present, but it's the best long-term solution. Or you can slap on a coat of paint to cover up the unsightly mold so you don't have to see it anymore--out of sight, out of mind, right? But the original source of the mold hasn't been fixed, and so the mold will continue to grow and spread behind that wall, and before you know it, you have to rip out everything in the bathroom because the mold has spread everywhere.

Your dad is advising you to paint over the mold.

Don't blame him, though. He doesn't realize that he's giving you bad advice.

Infidelity isn't something you just get over in a month or two. It's one of the biggest betrayals a human can endure. To be able to recover and rebuilt from something like this takes time. I think another poster here quoted 2-3 years as the recovery time, and that sounds about right to me. And in order to recover, you need to be able to talk about it as much as you need to, and ask as many questions as you need to. This is a huge part of the healing process. If you're not talking about it, you're not healing. That doesn't mean that you should be talking about it all the time. But it should be a regular topic of conversation until you are ready to feel like a normal couple again.

Have you guys started seeing a couples' counselor?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #148 of 285 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 02:15 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 46
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Tough spot for you to be in, but you seem pretty tough. I think that you and H are in a lot of different places like maturity, education, job success and feeling about the relationship.
Nobody other than you knows when it's time for you to "stop bringing it up" if you stay together eventually "it" will come up less and less. If things improve it won;t come up at all.
Your dad just wants you to be happy and for this to all go away...rugsweeping isn;t a long term solution. You don;t just get the car painted that ran into a brick wall. It needs to be repaired.

The world needs restaurant/bar managers but does H have plans/dreams other than his current job? As I grew up, I noticed that around 28-30 there was big fork in the road. I saw some people getting on the track to "careers" (Holy crap! She got a job where??!!) and others stayed in the the "jobs" the got when they were 22 (Holy crap! He is still working there??!!). IMO you are going one way and he is going another.
Long term do you see you as a couple where you earn the most but he deals with the kids during the day and still works in the service industry at night?
mickybill is offline  
post #149 of 285 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 02:34 PM
Member
 
Taxman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Posts: 320
Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Adegirl
Speaking as a MadHatter and a former wayward, do not stop querying until you feel absolutely safe. When I had my affair, we split immediately, when we agreed to reconcile, she wanted to feel safe. I was not to return to our home, but stay at my mom's. We both had to go into individual counseling and marriage counseling. My wife wanted to go on a date, but not with me. (Hall pass, deliberate revenge affair, we were split so she felt entitled). I will not go into the hurt, but I understood exactly what I put her through.

We did not get back together until she felt safe with me. We did the entire courtship all over. At first, I did not want to risk meeting her at our home, the emotions were high enough that there could have been problems. We met at coffee shops. When we ran out of business items to discuss, we still kept going out for coffee. I was fairly certain that we were going nowhere, and it would be over. But we still went out for coffee. I took a chance and asked her out to a movie. That led to 4-5 nights a week where we dated. We stopped discussing business items. I started giving her my entire paycheck. We did the whole thing: Went parking, made out in the backseat of my car, eventually, she allowed me an overnight or two as long as I was gone by the time our daughter woke up. Eventually this became overnights and breakfast. Seven months after D-Day, I moved back in. We have been together and going strong for nearly 30 years.
Taxman is offline  
post #150 of 285 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxman View Post
Adegirl
Speaking as a MadHatter and a former wayward, do not stop querying until you feel absolutely safe. When I had my affair, we split immediately, when we agreed to reconcile, she wanted to feel safe. I was not to return to our home, but stay at my mom's. We both had to go into individual counseling and marriage counseling. My wife wanted to go on a date, but not with me. (Hall pass, deliberate revenge affair, we were split so she felt entitled). I will not go into the hurt, but I understood exactly what I put her through.

We did not get back together until she felt safe with me. We did the entire courtship all over. At first, I did not want to risk meeting her at our home, the emotions were high enough that there could have been problems. We met at coffee shops. When we ran out of business items to discuss, we still kept going out for coffee. I was fairly certain that we were going nowhere, and it would be over. But we still went out for coffee. I took a chance and asked her out to a movie. That led to 4-5 nights a week where we dated. We stopped discussing business items. I started giving her my entire paycheck. We did the whole thing: Went parking, made out in the backseat of my car, eventually, she allowed me an overnight or two as long as I was gone by the time our daughter woke up. Eventually this became overnights and breakfast. Seven months after D-Day, I moved back in. We have been together and going strong for nearly 30 years.
Wow. I wish I would have done this from the beginning. I feel like it's too late now. Ahhhhhhh
adegirl2016 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome