I am back again with some updates. Also because I need "someone" to talk to but anywhere but here is going to be a biased opinion.
So he went with me to the doctor to be STD tested. I am so glad I brought him. The doctor remembered us from when we had the baby a few weeks ago. So it was super awkward for my husband (GOOD). He also talked about birth control methods with me. I told him I wanted NO more kids. but he recommended, in front of my husband, that due to the situation, I should not do anything permanent. He says that I may want to have children with future partners.
I think that really hit my husband in the gut.
When we left the doctor, my husband called my dad. He apologized for what he put me and my family through. There were tears on both sides. My dad recommended to both of us that we try to move on and stop bringing it up.
My husband and I have had a good relationship. He is still open to any questions. He still seems to be trying.
My problem is that everything is starting to feel normal again. Not the same as before, but I can feel that we are getting to a better place. As much as I should enjoy this, it is actually making me sad all over again. I am not ready for us to be a normal couple again. I am not over this. Does this mean that he should be doing more to reconcile? If so, what?
Should I really stop bringing it up? I am not ready to stop. I can see why I should... there is no way to move forward if I don't. but I also don't want him to be too comfortable.
What can help me/him/us at this point?
Your doctor is AWESOME. Most of the time, it ticks me off when a doctor advises a female patient (who says she doesn't want any more children), "I don't recommend permanent birth control because you might change your mind," which implies that the doctor thinks he knows better than the woman does about what she wants. But in this case, I think it was absolutely the right thing for him to say, because a) he is sending the message to your husband that, dude, you really fvcked this up and you might lose her
, and b) it is a bad idea to make permanent, potentially life-altering decisions when you are in a state of distress, and the current situation certainly applies.
I'm glad your husband called your dad to apologize. That's big. BUT your dad is way wrong in his recommendation that you try to move on and stop bringing it up. I get why he said it. You're his baby girl, and he doesn't want you to be hurt, he doesn't want to see you in pain. He thinks it's the talking about it that is causing you pain, and he thinks if the talking stops, the pain will stop. But it won't. The pain will just go under the surface and fester on its own, and it will eventually rear it's ugly head at some point down the road. What your father is advocating for is rug sweeping, which isn't healthy and isn't going to solve your problems. In a superficial way, things may be better in a cosmetic sense, but the underlying problems won't be dealt with and will create bigger havoc down the road.
Say you have mold in your bathroom wall. You can treat it properly, and get to the root of the problem and fix the source of the mold to make sure that it never comes back. It's a PITA in the present, but it's the best long-term solution. Or you can slap on a coat of paint to cover up the unsightly mold so you don't have to see it anymore--out of sight, out of mind, right? But the original source of the mold hasn't been fixed, and so the mold will continue to grow and spread behind that wall, and before you know it, you have to rip out everything in the bathroom because the mold has spread everywhere.
Your dad is advising you to paint over the mold.
Don't blame him, though. He doesn't realize that he's giving you bad advice.
Infidelity isn't something you just get over in a month or two. It's one of the biggest betrayals a human can endure. To be able to recover and rebuilt from something like this takes time. I think another poster here quoted 2-3 years as the recovery time, and that sounds about right to me. And in order to recover, you need to be able to talk about it as much as you need to, and ask as many questions as you need to. This is a huge part of the healing process. If you're not talking about it, you're not healing. That doesn't mean that you should be talking about it all the time. But it should be a regular topic of conversation until you are ready to feel like a normal couple again.
Have you guys started seeing a couples' counselor?