It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 15 - Talk About Marriage
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post #211 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:14 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I don't know why I keep torturing myself over this. I know obsessing over it is not helping anything. I know that by allowing it to take over my life isn't healthy for me or my kids but I can't stop. I hate him with every inch of me. I hate this stupid **** that was after my husband. I hate them both. I hate this whole situation.
You need to stop viewing this guy as your husband, a person you love and who you trusted who has this ability to inflict great pain on you.

Your goal is to get to a mental place where you perceive him as an ex business partner with whom you will be terminating a contract because he did not keep his part of the bargain, because he misrepresented himself and his intentions. He is, or soon will be just another person in your life who needs to be dealt with just like you deal with an unpaid utility bill or something along those lines.

It's going to take time but you need to relocate him out of your head. He doesn't deserve to be there.

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post #212 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

@adegirl2016 His comment that counselors aren't open when he's available is BS. There are counselors that have evening and weekend hours, specifically because a lot of people work during the day.

His answers to your questions are BS, too.

He's not making any effort to fix this quagmire that he created. He doesn't care about saving this marriage, and with a husband like this, why should you?

Are you going to IC yourself? I can't recall. I think it might help you get through the anxiety and stress, and give you a reason to get out of the house, even if you have to take the baby with you.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #213 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
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@adegirl2016 His comment that counselors aren't open when he's available is BS. There are counselors that have evening and weekend hours, specifically because a lot of people work during the day.

His answers to your questions are BS, too.

He's not making any effort to fix this quagmire that he created. He doesn't care about saving this marriage, and with a husband like this, why should you?

Are you going to IC yourself? I can't recall. I think it might help you get through the anxiety and stress, and give you a reason to get out of the house, even if you have to take the baby with you.
No, I have not tried IC. I guess I'll try to find one.

He acts like everything is fine. I can tell that even though he puts up with talking about it, he hates it. It makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't know what to say. He thinks that if I don't say it 1000 times, I must not mean it. At least that's how I feel. Although I'm sure he knows what I want, he just doesn't care.
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post #214 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Here we are. 3 1/2 months from D-Day. and I am NO WHERE near over it. This is still a daily struggle for me. WILL THIS EVER END??!??!?!
Once you truly separate from him it will start to end. Once you fall in love again it will be over competently. At that point you will want to thank this skank for doing you a favor. Not really but you will realize how much better off you are. Once you marry someone who has a career and is actually moving forward in life you will wonder how you ever even dated this guy.

Mark my words.
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post #215 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Well... i won't even take a year. Probably just a few months. 2 -3 at most. Just enough for me to put a couple thousand aside. I already have a separate account with some money set aside. i think I am going to need to get this money out in cash.
Couple Tips:

When you go grocery shopping, buy yourself some prepaid Publix/Hills/Grocery or other misc debit/cash cards. They even sell Prepaid Amex cards.

Purchase and store remotely enough household supplies to last you a year wherever you end up.

Get yourself a cheap cubic fake diamond ring and show him what he bought you (like it was a big expensive ring). Then when you blindside him and he catches on that your spending was ridiculous the last year, you have something to claim to him as an item all that cash went towards.

Insist on a new wardrobe, milk his guilt. Purchase clothes you can return for cash later.

Use a nanny cam to record him getting stoned while babysitting your child. If he makes a stink about money you'll have a little trump card to play on him too. PLUS - this isn't just an immediate exit plan. After you leave and you still share custody with him to some degree who knows what kind of parent he'll continue to be and you may need to protect your child from him or the people around him some day far down the road. Start building that "just in case" case now while the "evidence" of his irresponsibility is available to you. Chances are you won't need it ~~ ever, but you never know.

BTW, his threat that if you divorce him he may leave and disappear from you and your child would probably be the best thing for you and your child in the long run. He probably doesn't mean it even though it's consistent with being a serial cheater. However, you can't negotiate your integrity with a terrorist willing to abandon his wife and kid(s) if he doesn't get his way. Presuming you want him to stay around for your child's sake your best strategy is probably begging him to actually leave, never come back and telling him you'll be seeking full 100% custody ~~ he's more likely to follow through being a dad if you make him fight for it and into something he "won" in this whole process. In addition, it will define his battle into more about winning custody (something you want him to have anyway) versus manipulating and controlling you.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #216 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:58 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

It's over and done with as far as he's concerned and he just wants you to stop talking about it and move on. Typical cheater thinking.

You'll never get the truth so it would be better to focus your energy on planning your life without him. It will make you feel more positive.
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post #217 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
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I realize there is no real point in asking him questions.


I think I do it to pick at him. Because I know he is going to act like a typical cheater. I have read so many posts here, so I have learned a ton. It's like I put him to the test to reassure myself of why I have chosen to leave. He fails the damn test every time.

Just now -
Me - So why haven't you read the book? It's been over a week since I last asked you.

Him - Oh sorry I have been busy I'll read it this weekend.

Me - Ok... thought R was your main priority here.

Him - I thought we were having a good night. Why can't we just sit here and have a decent night?



I hate this dude please get me outa here asap. Pray I run into some money!!!
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post #218 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

He has to have everything his way. He says it was a 'good night.' Good for whom? Him, of course.

I think you should follow the 180 instructions and detach emotionally from him. If you don't care what he does or says anymore, you won't be driven crazy by his lack of...well, everything.

He's a serial cheater who thinks he can talk you around until you are pacified again. At which point he'll be free to pick up where he left off with his fun on the side.

Here's a story about a serial cheater who was here on TAM for a bit:

He was a relentless cheater who nonetheless married a woman to have a family with. He never had any intention of staying faithful. After many years of constant cheating (it's a way of life, after all), he actually had some pangs of conscience and decided to confess to his wife, which he did - years and years of constant cheating; so many OW's he couldn't even count them.

She divorced him and he lost his family that he said he really loved. Through all this he said his wife was the love of his life.

And in a rare moment of honesty, when asked at the time how his wife reacted to his confession, he said:

"She had more courage than I ever thought she had. I had pulled the wool over her eyes for years and was convinced I could do it again once things died down after I confessed. She was smarter than I gave her credit for, though."

Your WH is assuming he can pull the wool over your eyes again and will restart his cheating activities as soon as things 'die down' at home. He's complacent and counting on your swallowing this latest transgression.

Please do the 180 and stay resolved to D him. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't waste any more of your fabulous, valuable life with a man who simply doesn't value you.

He's a manchild who needs help, but you're not obliged to save him. Save yourself and your kids. You're the important ones.
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post #219 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quality View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Well... i won't even take a year. Probably just a few months. 2 -3 at most. Just enough for me to put a couple thousand aside. I already have a separate account with some money set aside. i think I am going to need to get this money out in cash.
Couple Tips:

When you go grocery shopping, buy yourself some prepaid Publix/Hills/Grocery or other misc debit/cash cards. They even sell Prepaid Amex cards.

Purchase and store remotely enough household supplies to last you a year wherever you end up.

Get yourself a cheap cubic fake diamond ring and show him what he bought you (like it was a big expensive ring). Then when you blindside him and he catches on that your spending was ridiculous the last year, you have something to claim to him as an item all that cash went towards.

Insist on a new wardrobe, milk his guilt. Purchase clothes you can return for cash later.

Use a nanny cam to record him getting stoned while babysitting your child. If he makes a stink about money you'll have a little trump card to play on him too. PLUS - this isn't just an immediate exit plan. After you leave and you still share custody with him to some degree who knows what kind of parent he'll continue to be and you may need to protect your child from him or the people around him some day far down the road. Start building that "just in case" case now while the "evidence" of his irresponsibility is available to you. Chances are you won't need it ~~ ever, but you never know.

BTW, his threat that if you divorce him he may leave and disappear from you and your child would probably be the best thing for you and your child in the long run. He probably doesn't mean it even though it's consistent with being a serial cheater. However, you can't negotiate your integrity with a terrorist willing to abandon his wife and kid(s) if he doesn't get his way. Presuming you want him to stay around for your child's sake your best strategy is probably begging him to actually leave, never come back and telling him you'll be seeking full 100% custody ~~ he's more likely to follow through being a dad if you make him fight for it and into something he "won" in this whole process. In addition, it will define his battle into more about winning custody (something you want him to have anyway) versus manipulating and controlling you.
I agree with you about him "disappearing". I really wouldn't want him to have any custody of the kids bc of his weed smoking. Not that I think weed is this terrible thing but he isn't smart about it at all. For example, it's illegal here and he went and picked up our son from daycare with it in his car. Now what if he had gotten pulled over? He doesn't think about **** like that. He can't be trusted with the kids to me. Plus, the baby is 2 months old.

The gift card idea is great too!!
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post #220 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:18 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
He has to have everything his way. He says it was a 'good night.' Good for whom? Him, of course.

I think you should follow the 180 instructions and detach emotionally from him. If you don't care what he does or says anymore, you won't be driven crazy by his lack of...well, everything.

He's a serial cheater who thinks he can talk you around until you are pacified again. At which point he'll be free to pick up where he left off with his fun on the side.

Here's a story about a serial cheater who was here on TAM for a bit:

He was a relentless cheater who nonetheless married a woman to have a family with. He never had any intention of staying faithful. After many years of constant cheating (it's a way of life, after all), he actually had some pangs of conscience and decided to confess to his wife, which he did - years and years of constant cheating; so many OW's he couldn't even count them.

She divorced him and he lost his family that he said he really loved. Through all this he said his wife was the love of his life.

And in a rare moment of honesty, when asked at the time how his wife reacted to his confession, he said:

"She had more courage than I ever thought she had. I had pulled the wool over her eyes for years and was convinced I could do it again once things died down after I confessed. She was smarter than I gave her credit for, though."

Your WH is assuming he can pull the wool over your eyes again and will restart his cheating activities as soon as things 'die down' at home. He's complacent and counting on your swallowing this latest transgression.

Please do the 180 and stay resolved to D him. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't waste any more of your fabulous, valuable life with a man who simply doesn't value you.

He's a manchild who needs help, but you're not obliged to save him. Save yourself and your kids. You're the important ones.
It pisses me off to think that he may think he's going to do this again. That's exactly why it's so hard to wait!!!

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post #221 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

So my husband just got offered his dream job. He will no longer be working in restaurants. It's his first big-boy office job. 8-5 M-F.


My thoughts -

Could him getting a grown up job possibly put him in a position where he could "grow up" emotionally?

His pay will be significantly less. Taking about 300 dollars a month from the child support he would have to pay me. That will put a huge dent in my ability to support myself.


IDK I guess this has just thrown me a curveball.
HOW the heck am I going to pay everything myself? Should i just wait even longer, until I find a better paying job? I have a decent income now, it's just not enough. UGH!!!
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post #222 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
So my husband just got offered his dream job. He will no longer be working in restaurants. It's his first big-boy office job. 8-5 M-F.


My thoughts -

Could him getting a grown up job possibly put him in a position where he could "grow up" emotionally?

His pay will be significantly less. Taking about 300 dollars a month from the child support he would have to pay me. That will put a huge dent in my ability to support myself.


IDK I guess this has just thrown me a curveball.
HOW the heck am I going to pay everything myself? Should i just wait even longer, until I find a better paying job? I have a decent income now, it's just not enough. UGH!!!
It's possible. I've known people who have "grown up" a lot after getting out of the restaurant industry, myself included (although, for me, it may have also been typical maturation in one's twenties). I've also known a lot of people who haven't. It really depends on the individual.

His pay may be significantly less right now, but his potential of making more/future earning potential and the possibility of advancing in an actual "career" field are much better than in restaurants.

But I don't know that an increase in his income later will affect CS payments? I don't know anything about this area of legality.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #223 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:41 AM
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It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
So my husband just got offered his dream job. He will no longer be working in restaurants. It's his first big-boy office job. 8-5 M-F.





My thoughts -



Could him getting a grown up job possibly put him in a position where he could "grow up" emotionally?



His pay will be significantly less. Taking about 300 dollars a month from the child support he would have to pay me. That will put a huge dent in my ability to support myself.





IDK I guess this has just thrown me a curveball.

HOW the heck am I going to pay everything myself? Should i just wait even longer, until I find a better paying job? I have a decent income now, it's just not enough. UGH!!!


Hon you've got me in dad mode here. Stop worrying about viewing your dolt H as an ATM. That's about as horrid as it gets. You say you hate him but you want his $$$$. There's a word for that.

Get some clarity and take responsibility for yourself. If you don't have enough money to pay your bills, negotiate with the lenders and hit up relatives or friends. Be resourceful.

As it is you are lowering yourself wasaaaay too much here.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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post #224 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
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Don't mean to sound that way. But I have to make sure I can provide for my kids. My income alone doesn't even cover the mortgage and daycare costs. That is why I am so concerned.
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post #225 of 285 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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I guess I am too prideful to ask for help outside of my husband. I'm sure my dad can help some but not much. I don't know anyone else who could help.
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