It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:21 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Have you been STD tested?? That should be your VERY FIRST priority. I don't know a whole lot about it, but aren't some STD's transferred to the baby during birth? You need to get on that ASAP!!

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post #17 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:23 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Have you seen this thread yet? If not it has TONS of info you need to know

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
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post #18 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:26 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

When my husband cheated I kicked him out the same day I found out. You need to lower the boom in a similar manner. He needs to know that this is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE and you will not stand for it.

I also agree that you need to get a polygraph. Cheaters only admit to what they think you already know. It's called trickle truth and it's very insidious, and ALL cheaters do it.

My husband and I are stupidly happy today, but the only reason for that is that he owned everything he did and has worked VERY hard over the last 6 1/2 years to fix himself. If he hadn't done what he needed to we would not be together because I would never have let him move back home. Our story is linked in my sig if you want to read it.
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post #19 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I did kick him out the night I found out. I forgot to add that. He slept in a Walmart parking lot in his car.

Like I said - the only reason he is home is because I am about to give birth. I went back and forth and thought about it over and over and decided that I don't want him to NOT be in the room. I want him to be there for his daughter. I don't want bad memories of her birth. Even though I will never forget this. I am trying my best to make the most wise decisions I can.
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post #20 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Something about the birth traumatized him (I think just the act in general) and we did not have a sex life for a year or so. He stayed away from me. This hurt my self esteem deeply. We sort of got over it after a LONG time... but the sex was still kinda of vanilla. Or one sided - he would give me no pleasure, only himself.
I'd think most guys who witness childbirth firsthand will be traumatized to some extent. I did, for sure. I mean you see it all, the fluids, the afterbirth, the child's head popping out followed by the rest, including the cord and the placenta. How can you NOT get those images the next time you're down there trying to give her pleasure or even when you're about to insert yourself? In my case I even saw the episiotomy- when they cut and then stitch the bottom of the vj back together again to avoid tearing during delivery. As I write this I can still picture it as if it was yesterday. She had fibroids, so they pulled out the uterus (I think it was the uterus otherwise it was just one huge fibroid), and inverted it on her belly and zapped parts of it with some sort of electric device. It looked like some sort of alien creature just laying there attached with part of it going right back inside her vj. I can still smell the burning from the electric zaps they were giving it.

Fathers really should be warned with some sort of disclaimer prior to being present in the delivery room. "You'll never look at her vj the same way again and witnessing childbirth first hand can be detrimental to your sex life".

Last edited by browser; 12-14-2016 at 01:12 PM.
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post #21 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
This is one of the few instances in which rug sweeping for a month is probably the best option. At least you got a confession in the meantime. I commend you on your maturity for still choosing to have your husband with you in the delivery room during this difficult time.
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post #22 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I'd think most guys who witness childbirth firsthand will be traumatized to some extent. I did, for sure. I mean you see it all, the fluids, the afterbirth, the placenta, the child's head popping out. How can you NOT get those images the next time you're down there trying to give her pleasure or even when you're about to insert yourself? In my case I even saw the episiotomy- when they cut and then stitch the bottom of the vj back together again to avoid tearing during delivery. As I write this I can still picture it as if it was yesterday. She had fibroids, so they pulled out the uterus and inverted it on her belly and zapped it with some sort of electric device to shrink the fibroids. It looked like some foreign alien object just laying there attached with part of it going right back inside her vj. I can still smell the burning from the electric zaps they were giving it.

Fathers really should be warned with some sort of disclaimer prior to being present in the delivery room. "You'll never look at her vj the same way again and witnessing childbirth first hand can be detrimental to your sex life".


He said the same exact thing to our counselor yesterday. He had no idea what childbirth was like. He said no video, presentation, nothing could have prepared him for that. We were also younger at the time... our first was a "surprise" so I think that adds to the shock of birth in a way.

He admitted that he knows he freaked over it, but eventually got over it. When he "got over it" he said that he should have done a better job in building back up my self esteem.

He said he wants to feel desired sexually, and when I was so insecure, it was a turn off. You see, I was so hurt, and felt so unattractive, that I NEVER tried to have sex either. I just waited for him.

He now admits that he feels it is his fault that I was so insecure. He stated that maybe if he would have initiated more, and made sure that I did in-fact feel sexy, sexy enough to initiate myself, that maybe it would not have spiriled out of control.

I hate that I felt so insecure. I lost all of my baby weight. I am 5 foot 6. 115 pounds when not pregnant. In really good shape. I dress nice.

See - there are many background issues that also need to be sorted out. Parts of me think that now that we have the ability to admit what is going on, and really look at all of the issues together - that maybe we CAN have a better relationship and more shared intimacy.
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post #23 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:23 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

You CAN RECOVER FROM THIS. Just try to respect yourself MORE than the care consideration and respect you show him. I bent over backwards coddling (Its okay, its okay, blah blah) Hurt me so much more than I every imagined. Keep your self respect. When discovering infidelity, and being in shock, (for MONTHS) I lost myself. Most BS lose themselves and forgiving the WS is only part of the equation. We as the BS also find ourselves hating how pathetic, needy and vulnerable we were. And finding forgiveness for our own actions that we are critical of is even harder than forgiving the WS person.

I just don't want you to beat yourself up later. Its him who should be emotionally beat up. not you. Your fragile, pad your heart, make a buffer to this. Let him work on himself, and you focus on your new baby that is coming. Block WS out of your mind. This time is about you and that Baby. NO ONE ELSE.
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post #24 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:47 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I'd think most guys who witness childbirth firsthand will be traumatized to some extent. I did, for sure. I mean you see it all, the fluids, the afterbirth, the child's head popping out followed by the rest, including the cord and the placenta. How can you NOT get those images the next time you're down there trying to give her pleasure or even when you're about to insert yourself? In my case I even saw the episiotomy- when they cut and then stitch the bottom of the vj back together again to avoid tearing during delivery. As I write this I can still picture it as if it was yesterday. She had fibroids, so they pulled out the uterus (I think it was the uterus otherwise it was just one huge fibroid), and inverted it on her belly and zapped parts of it with some sort of electric device. It looked like some sort of alien creature just laying there attached with part of it going right back inside her vj. I can still smell the burning from the electric zaps they were giving it.

Fathers really should be warned with some sort of disclaimer prior to being present in the delivery room. "You'll never look at her vj the same way again and witnessing childbirth first hand can be detrimental to your sex life".
Imagine that it's your body going through that and then in 6 weeks the Dr state it's a go for sex! And you're like"What?"with swollen leaking boobs and vj.

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post #25 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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He said the same exact thing to our counselor yesterday. He had no idea what childbirth was like. He said no video, presentation, nothing could have prepared him for that. We were also younger at the time... our first was a "surprise" so I think that adds to the shock of birth in a way.
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post #26 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I did kick him out the night I found out.
Good for you

Have you been STD tested? You've had sex with him since you let him back home,r ight? I would think you'd want to not do that any more till you find out if he's clean.
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post #27 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 05:26 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I'd think most guys who witness childbirth firsthand will be traumatized to some extent. I did, for sure. I mean you see it all, the fluids, the afterbirth, the child's head popping out followed by the rest, including the cord and the placenta. How can you NOT get those images the next time you're down there trying to give her pleasure or even when you're about to insert yourself?
I remember having a panic attack when my W had our first kid, I went into the bathroom on the room and had to sit down for a few, felt like passing out, my MIL kept yelling asking where I was at that I was going to miss it....lol, wow, will never forget that
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post #28 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 05:29 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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You CAN RECOVER FROM THIS. Just try to respect yourself MORE than the care consideration and respect you show him. I bent over backwards coddling (Its okay, its okay, blah blah) Hurt me so much more than I every imagined. Keep your self respect.
I second this, so many BS overlook the impact the lack of self respect will have on them later, I went thru the same thing and it sucks...I lost respect on myself for lacking respect for myself during that dday time, I wish I would have been a lot tougher, but oh well, lesson learnt
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post #29 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 05:50 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I'm sorry I wasn't clear -
He is the one who initiated the call to the girl. He asked me if I wanted him to call her to make sure she understands no more (he didn't want to do it without my permission). I said yes, I do want you to call her and tell her that.

I sent her a text on my own behalf.
My STBXH initiated a call, too. But, she was in on it. She already knew the call would happen. They both played me. He, too, did it during a therapy session. The therapist picked up on it and called him out on it. She said it sounded staged and it's not the first time a spouse has done that during a session.
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post #30 of 246 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 07:58 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

We women go through so much ****. Carrying babies around for over 9 months inside of us and all the hormonal changes, weight gain, etc, giving painful births and then Husbands expecting us to be all visually sexy so they can have their wicked way. Something really lopsided in this scenario, men don't bloody well know how much we go through and put up with. That is why when we hit late 40's and 50's the light goes on and some realise enough of this, now he expects me to pander to him and be his mother too. If I ever meet God, I am going to ask him, why we got the short straw. Rant over.
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