It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:26 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Have you been STD tested?? That should be priority number ONE right now!
Thank goodness Hope mentioned this! Please do get tested!!



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post #47 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 03:50 AM
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Maybe he will get to remorse. In therapy and such, is he willing to do everything needed to prove himself. He needs ic to work his issues as well. Geez, even my sex drive took a dive after the baby. It happens to lots of men after a baby. And #2 may cause a dip without help.

Let her get past the holidays. Get them reading the books. And see if both of them want to save the marriage.

Keep in mind, you (we) dont really know what's in his mind. After 3 months, is he blaming her or accepting his own faults.

If ow was realty a PA only, that is far easier for him to go back to his marriage.

Expose to parents, so they can help him learn his mistakes. And so that they know if he does it again... Then he blew his 2nd chance.
(It's an idea)
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post #48 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 07:22 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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After he got caught, there is no way they had any interaction together. He did not return to work for a few days after this happened (scheduled days off anyway) and I can see the text and call history online.
Opening a private browser window and using it to send an email to her wouldn't leave a trace.

Using one of the many many apps out there that let you text/chat/talk - all through Wifi - won't leave a trace on your cell phone bill.

Sending her a message in Facebook then deleting it before you see it will go undetected.

Hell, you can chat with anyone inside most game apps - and it doesn't leave a trace.

Unfortunately, not finding anything on the cell phone bill means nothing. Besides, he KNOWS you're looking at the bill so that's the LAST method he's going to use.
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post #49 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Maybe he will get to remorse. In therapy and such, is he willing to do everything needed to prove himself. He needs ic to work his issues as well. Geez, even my sex drive took a dive after the baby. It happens to lots of men after a baby. And #2 may cause a dip without help.

Let her get past the holidays. Get them reading the books. And see if both of them want to save the marriage.

Keep in mind, you (we) dont really know what's in his mind. After 3 months, is he blaming her or accepting his own faults.

If ow was realty a PA only, that is far easier for him to go back to his marriage.

Expose to parents, so they can help him learn his mistakes. And so that they know if he does it again... Then he blew his 2nd chance.
(It's an idea)

Both of our parents know. I did this like the day OF. He is lucky many more do not know, but it gets to a point to where I only want to tell the people who know and love both of us. My side of the family is obviously very angry. His side is doing everything they can to help the situation. Both sides advice to me about the baby and christmas were the same - lets just get through.

I guess my point of this whole post was not necessarily to try to find anything else out about the affair itself. I want opinions on how I can move forward.... how our intimacy can increase... and how our sex life in general can get better (especially with me about to pop out another baby!!!!)
I want to see what our full relationship potential is, and then make a decision.
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post #50 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 09:58 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Your full relationship potential will most likely depend on the boundaries both of you place into this and how much trust can be restored.

Might as well consider a new nickname for your husband... "Missouri" fits, because everything he needs to do will come with a "Show Me" state.

Show me I am the important person in your life you promised me I was.

Show me that your weaknesses are not more important than your family.

Show me you have learned that there are things worse than the fears of dealing with our challenges.

Show me you understand the pain you caused us.

Show me I can trust you again...


The more he shows, the the more confidence you will regain in him, and the more faith you will bring back to your relationship.

I am not a fan of hardening the heart... but you do need a boundary that is attainable for you and understandable for him.

He can choose to repair this, and you can choose to forgive this... choice, what a wonderful action because every decision we make is a new chance to do the right thing.

Birth is a miraculous thing, starting new, there is a lesson in the timing should your husband choose to see it.

May the birth of your daughter be blessed...
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post #51 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 11:25 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

My opinion is that it's far too soon to talk about full relationship potential.

You are in shock and about to give birth. I would keep my eyes on the prize for now, which is your children.

And....I very much doubt that you have anywhere near the truth. For instance, what was he doing for sex for the year after your first was born? And ever since then while your sex life was far from strong? You say he never thought he would get caught and perhaps that wasn't such a bad calculation if he has been doing this for a while now.

Just saying. Why not step back from the relationship building for now and then work to get the truth once things have calmed down with your life, i.e., after the baby is born and you are back on your feet.
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post #52 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 11:37 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

My heart breaks reading this. This guy...you are 25, and you about to give birth to his second child. He is cheating on you with some "****ty" woman from work. You know what she isn't? The mother of his kids who pushed two babies out of her vagina. He was disgusted by you and decided to stick his **** in someone else. He is the absolute worst kind of cheater. He isn't someone who let time dig at his soul. Let years of sexless night make him go out. He abandoned you at the time you needed him most and it will absolutely happen again.

I suggest you work on taking care of your little baby and build up a support network. You just finishing school and now are likely looking for a professional job and will have two babies to take care of. I wouldn't stay with him, but I can understand if it is too hard to leave him now. Just prepare yourself for the worst.
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post #53 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 11:55 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I don't suspect he told her to play along. Main reason is because i do not think he thought he was going to be caught. After he got caught, there is no way they had any interaction together. He did not return to work for a few days after this happened (scheduled days off anyway) and I can see the text and call history online.

I don't know... this is one of the worst situations I have ever been in. Very depressing. The first 2-3 days, I was extremely hurt and sad. Today I am angry.

Knowing how my husband can be sexually, it really wouldn't surprise me if he literally went over there just to get oral. I know a lot can happen in 10 minutes, but I really think he saw her as a piece of &ss while his wife was pregnant. Not that it makes any difference. I am just trying to make sense of all of this in my head - because it's the only way I am going to move forward. I don't think he has any strong feelings or wants a relationship. The only thing I think he may be lying about is how many times it happened. And even that I am not sure.

I am not sure of ANYTHING right now AHHHH
Sadly this is how it is going to be for a while, maybe even the rest of your life if you stay with him so don't make any decisions to hasty. Do you have people, family to help you with the baby?
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post #54 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 11:58 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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My husband isn't really good with all of that stuff!! I can't see him figuring that out but I guess anything can happen.
He also has an apple watch that is also tracking. Of course, he could leave that at work too if he was really trying.

This is just to help me get by the next few weeks at work. There is a 90 percent chance he has another job that he can start in 3 or so weeks. He will be home with the baby for 2 weeks.
You would be surprised what people can get good at when they are motivated, this is not rocket science we are talking about here. Cheaters lie, that is their MO. You need to be vigilant.
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post #55 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 12:06 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

What kind of a guy cheats on his pregnant wife? I'd have the baby, and get through the holidays...and file. That's just me. Sorry this happened to you. ((hugs))


Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #56 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 12:12 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I guess my point of this whole post was not necessarily to try to find anything else out about the affair itself. I want opinions on how I can move forward.... how our intimacy can increase... and how our sex life in general can get better (especially with me about to pop out another baby!!!!)
I want to see what our full relationship potential is, and then make a decision.
You can't move forward in a safe way if you don't know the truth. Most of us on here have read enough or experienced enough to know that there is a very good chance you don't. I know this is hard for you and you just want your family to be like it was, but sadly right now you are in the middle of making some of the most important decisions in your life. You should not rush them even if it feels safer to you. It only feel safer because it's closer to the way your life has been for the last few years. You don't want to be one of those people 2 - 3 even 10 years down the line finding out that he was still having and affair or is the kind of man who has many. Also and it hurts me to say this to you because I know how much you want it but your family is never going to go back to what is was, he will always be a cheater. This is now a part of your marriage if you decided to stay in it. It doesn't have to be a part of your life forever, a new marriage with a different person won't have this in it.

@She'sStillGotIt is right when she says "any man low enough to cheat on his pregnant wife" is really pretty low (I am paraphrasing to try to be sensitive to you) This should be one of the best and closest experiences of your lives, and instead he was thinking about the sex he wasn't having. I can't even imagine that. This doesn't make him the safest choice to base your life on.

Please don't rugsweep this because you are overwhelmed, ask your family and friends to help you so you are not so overwhelmed because right now, the decisions you make will effect the rest of your life.

Last edited by sokillme; 12-18-2016 at 12:20 AM.
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post #57 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 12:48 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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What kind of a guy cheats on his pregnant wife?
The same type of guy that cheats on his nonpregnant wife?

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #58 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 12:58 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I guess my point of this whole post was not necessarily to try to find anything else out about the affair itself. I want opinions on how I can move forward.... how our intimacy can increase... and how our sex life in general can get better (especially with me about to pop out another baby!!!!)
I want to see what our full relationship potential is, and then make a decision.
What are you going to do? What path will you take?
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post #59 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 01:06 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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and it hurts me to say this to you because I know how much you want it but your family is never going to go back to what is was, he will always be a cheater.


Quote:
This is now a part of your marriage if you decided to stay in it. It doesn't have to be a part of your life forever, a new marriage with a different person won't have this in it.


Fundamental attribution error.


Quote:
@She'sStillGotIt is right when she says "any man low enough to cheat on his pregnant wife" is really pretty low (I am paraphrasing to try to be sensitive to you) This should be one of the best and closest experiences of your lives, and instead he was thinking about the sex he wasn't having. I can't even imagine that. This doesn't make him the safest choice to base your life on.
He wasn't thinking about the sex he wasn't having, he was thinking about some alternate fantasy. He had a ready and willing partner.
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post #60 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 01:46 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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The same type of guy that cheats on his nonpregnant wife?
True

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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