It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 184 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:02 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

During my wifes pregnancy... I was worried that sex could hurt the baby... actually, it was a difficult pregnancy so yeah. She was more wanting sex than I did.


Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #62 of 184 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Life is very long...it can feel like an eternity with a cheating spouse who isn't truly repentant & willing to do anything to help you heal. Time is on your side. You don't need to make any life changing decisions now. Try to focus on you & your babies. Allow him to be around to help because it will make life easier for YOU.

My biggest concern is that you will suffer post natal depression. I did & it's awful. Please make sure that you have a very close family member or friend to support you AND keep an eye on your mental health. Fortunately mine was the kind of depression where I saw my babies in the same 'bubble' as me but I can now easily see how new mothers do the most terrible things without knowing what they're doing at the time.

BEST WISHES.

Please keep posting so we know how you're holding-up.
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post #63 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Just thought I would send an update. I have been taking care of myself the best that I can. Had a great delivery, so I have been back to feeling like myself. The pain isn't as often, but when I do feel it (reminders and such) it is pretty bad.

My husband has been trying to do everything under the sun to make me see that he is/will change. We have been to counseling again, and have been taking steps to improve our marriage. I still don't know how I will ever get over this. I want him to "suffer" and have a consequence for his actions. Our counselor says that she believes that his feelings, even though I can't see or feel them myself, are a consequence in itself.

Is it possible that it really take THIS much time and for this drastic of something to happen for someone to change?

Thats my main question. I have been telling this man for years that our marriage is not what it should be. He always shrugged it off. Now he is willing to change?
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post #64 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Our counselor says that she believes that his feelings, even though I can't see or feel them myself, are a consequence in itself.
Aww, the poor guy must really be suffering. I feel so bad for him. Not.

I disagree with your counselor. So far, he's gotten away with this scot-free. He needs to understand that he's on probation, until you say otherwise, and that your staying is not a "given". If I were you, I'd put a voice-activated recorder in his work car and see if he's still chatting with girls on the phone. If so, it's time to bail out.
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post #65 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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I can see all of his calls and texts. I can see what apps are on his phone. I can see his location at all times. We share a computer. The only thing I can't see is what he is actually doing at work. But he has interviews this week, so that will be changing soon.
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post #66 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
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I mean, is there anyway to track his work conversations that I am not thinking of?
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post #67 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:42 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Only YOU can decide if he changes. NOT HIM. He can say or do anything he wants, but until he can demonstrate with clear, CONSISTENT actions, (for a period of time that you decide the duration of), true remorse and change, you simply can't trust him.

Because now it's not just about your welfare and future, it's about your children's as well. He's been lying to them, too.


If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

~ A.A. Milne
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post #68 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Thats my main question. I have been telling this man for years that our marriage is not what it should be. He always shrugged it off. Now he is willing to change?
Probably because he's done the math and child support for 2 kids plus losing half his assets doesn't appeal to him.

Remember - most cheaters aren't looking to change their marital status or their situation at home. They're just looking for EXTRA selfish fun on the side. Maybe this time around he sees you mean business so he's stepped up his game to, "I want to stay married forever and love you to the moon and back."

You should only believe about 1/10 of what comes out his HIS mouth.
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post #69 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I can see all of his calls and texts. I can see what apps are on his phone. I can see his location at all times. We share a computer. The only thing I can't see is what he is actually doing at work. But he has interviews this week, so that will be changing soon.
You could not see what was in his mind before his affair. You still cannot see what is in his mind. You can see his actions. Actions, not words are key. Keep his feet to the fire.
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post #70 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
Aww, the poor guy must really be suffering. I feel so bad for him. Not.

I disagree with your counselor. So far, he's gotten away with this scot-free. He needs to understand that he's on probation, until you say otherwise, and that your staying is not a "given". If I were you, I'd put a voice-activated recorder in his work car and see if he's still chatting with girls on the phone. If so, it's time to bail out.
While I agree with the premise, I want to make a point of the boldedup top that I feel is disingenuous in concept.

The implication of getting away "scot-free" (what a term, amirite) is completely missing the point. Getting away with something means you did something bad, but it likely doesn't have impact on anything else in your life. Like, I robbed a bank and nobody caught me. Ok, I needed the money and I got off scot-free. Here, when someone is cheating, it's not that it's a one time thing that they want to get away with. It's a complete betrayal and undermining of everything that they feel about you. If you rob a bank and don't get caught, it's not like you are still passively robbing banks and still are free. The cheating is the symptom, the lack of desire to manage a proper relationship (whether it's because of love, emotional issues or whatnot) is the problem. Just because he isn't cheating currently, that doesn't change the underlying feeling he had that caused him to do what he did originally.

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post #71 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

@adegirl2016

Takes a real special kind of POS to cheat on his PREGNANT wife.

My ex was the OW while her AP cheated on his pregnant wife.

He was a REAL fvcking turd. I saw all the texts. Believe me, so is your husband.

Divorce him and never look back. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor.

Kids are NEVER a valid reason to stay. With good parenting, they we be fine.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #72 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

My STBX started cheating early in my 2nd trimester after I almost miscarried and the dr said no more sex for the rest of the pregnancy.

2 months after our son was born he left me for his affair partner. My son is 13 years old and doesn't know his father. All because his father couldn't live without sex for a few months.

I really feel badly for you. I hope for your sake he is truly remorseful but if not I wouldn't hesitate to leave him. i also hope he's a decent enough person to not walk away from his children at the same time as his wife.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #73 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I have a question...Do you have negative thoughts about yourself for giving this a chance? Any at all? Im not saying end things with him, but maybe you need space. Maybe you need CONSEQUENCES!

I think you are on to something about your deep need to have him hurt. No revenge affair OBVIOUSLY, but you want him to be shattered. We'll shatter him. You want him broken enough to fix him self right! No his guilt is NOT CONSEQUENCE enough and your counselor is pretty dumb not to see that. UGH!

Do what your gut says. Take him back later by all means, but you are right to not feel this is enough. I believe this was a slap on the wrist and he will offend again unless he god damn learns his lesson.

Tell him to go to his parents, you need your space. what ever you need to get that nawing feeling gone i recommend it.

Your counselor is pathetic if that was her advice.
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post #74 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 07:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Will I ever get past this?

My husband is trying. I can tell his attitude and everything has changed (in a good way). He has had several job interviews. He is reading books about marriage(he never reads). We are having more intimate conversation.

I still feel empty. I feel unfulfilled in my marriage. I still feel the hurt. For me, when you are cheated on, you can literally feel the PAIN.

So while my husband is trying, I am still not happy. Sometimes I feel like he is not trying enough. Like there is more he could be doing. Sure, we are closer, but it's not enough. I feel like something is missing. Our lives are even more hectic now, with a newborn in the house. I am feeling like it's been swept under the rug because of this. I am super busy with the baby, and our older child. Life is so hectic.

What are some ways in which a cheater can show remorse? How can they ever make it up to you? Is he not doing something right?


I guess I am just confused and came on here to ramble about it...
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post #75 of 184 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by threelittlestars View Post
I have a question...Do you have negative thoughts about yourself for giving this a chance? Any at all? Im not saying end things with him, but maybe you need space. Maybe you need CONSEQUENCES!

I think you are on to something about your deep need to have him hurt. No revenge affair OBVIOUSLY, but you want him to be shattered. We'll shatter him. You want him broken enough to fix him self right! No his guilt is NOT CONSEQUENCE enough and your counselor is pretty dumb not to see that. UGH!

Do what your gut says. Take him back later by all means, but you are right to not feel this is enough. I believe this was a slap on the wrist and he will offend again unless he god damn learns his lesson.

Tell him to go to his parents, you need your space. what ever you need to get that nawing feeling gone i recommend it.

Your counselor is pathetic if that was her advice.



Examples of consequences? With the baby here now, it sort of made things weird. It's like we are back to normal in front of the kids but on the inside I am hurting badly still.
Yes, there are parts of me that feel stupid for still being here. We have had a rocky marriage. He has had an emotional affair before (2 years ago at work). We had a sexless marriage after the birth of our first (he was freaked out by watching). We have had many problems with porn.
Honestly, It's been problem after problem.
He says this affair has woken him up and he is done messing around and wants to be a family. He said his life flashed before his eyes....
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