It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 06:38 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

He should be giving you 100% transparency, at all times.
He should install a GPS on his car and/or phone so you can track him at all times.
He should find - and attend - a personal counselor to figure out what love really is and how he was able to do this.
He should find - and attend - a marriage counselor with you for as long as you need it.
He should NEVER get angry with you for not getting over it yet or asking him questions or needing reassurance. He might get frustrated, but he needs to learn to deal with it WITHOUT resorting to anger. You must always feel safe.
He should go to your parents and his parents with you and tell them what he did and ask their forgiveness.
He should write out a complete timeline of everything he did, without omitting anything. Trickle truth (hiding stuff unless you discover it) is a death knell to a marriage.
He should offer to sign a postnup agreement that states if he is ever caught cheating again, he walks away with NONE of the financial gains of the marriage.
He should start being invested in YOU, your thoughts, your dreams, what you're missing out on.
He should be willing to read books like His Needs Her Needs and do the questionnaires with you to get a better look into the real marriage you have.
Above all, he should be patient. It's said that the betrayed spouse might take 2 or 3 years - yes years - to start feeling normal. If he's not up to being contrite and patient while you heal, it's best to get out now to save you more pain.

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post #77 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
He should be giving you 100% transparency, at all times.
He should install a GPS on his car and/or phone so you can track him at all times.
He should find - and attend - a personal counselor to figure out what love really is and how he was able to do this.
He should find - and attend - a marriage counselor with you for as long as you need it.
He should NEVER get angry with you for not getting over it yet or asking him questions or needing reassurance. He might get frustrated, but he needs to learn to deal with it WITHOUT resorting to anger. You must always feel safe.
He should go to your parents and his parents with you and tell them what he did and ask their forgiveness.
He should write out a complete timeline of everything he did, without omitting anything. Trickle truth (hiding stuff unless you discover it) is a death knell to a marriage.
He should offer to sign a postnup agreement that states if he is ever caught cheating again, he walks away with NONE of the financial gains of the marriage.
He should start being invested in YOU, your thoughts, your dreams, what you're missing out on.
He should be willing to read books like His Needs Her Needs and do the questionnaires with you to get a better look into the real marriage you have.
Above all, he should be patient. It's said that the betrayed spouse might take 2 or 3 years - yes years - to start feeling normal. If he's not up to being contrite and patient while you heal, it's best to get out now to save you more pain.


Whoa!! A postnup?? Why have I not heard of or thought of this? I guess I thought it was for people with a lot of money? Like celebrities. lol.

One of the books is His Needs Her Needs. He has been doing what the chapters say and we have had conversations about it.

He has location turned on his phone.

Both of our parents know, but its because I called both of them crying. I am close with my dad and very close with his mom, so they were a source of comfort for me. I don't want him to apologize to them until I have decided to stay or go. Idk. I feel like they wont accept his apology until they see me happy again.

Is it possible that he is telling the truth? and not trickle truth?
He admitted to flirting. He said that she had been trying to get him to hang out for some time. He said she would always say that he should come over after work. I guess on this particular day he took her up on it?

I can see the phone history - they had no prior contact besides this one night. All of their contact was done at work.

Not to sound mean but my husband wouldn't be able to have a burner phone. For one, I don't think he would think of it. Two, I handle the finances, and he wouldn't even have the money for that. So, besides work communication, I doubt there was any.
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post #78 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

The advice to have him admit to both sets of parents (unless they are abusive) is, IMO, a KEY component in reconciliation. Why? Because to show that a cheater 'gets it' he must be willing to be HUMBLE and to ask forgiveness.

If he can't face either set of parents, he IS NOT REMORSEFUL, and is only trying to save HIS life conditions.

It's REALLY hard to face your own parents and your wife's parents, look them in the eyes, and accept HE SCREWED UP. If he's not willing to do that, you have no hope of real reconciliation.
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post #79 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

i will talk to him about that. Sounds good to me.
Any other reconciliation ideas
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post #80 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

WOW! You guys could not have been more right.
I gave him an ultimatum to either tell me the rest of the story or I am gone. Like you guys, his story did not make much sense.


So he told me that he initiated it. That they had been flirting at work for a few weeks. When no one was around (late at night when closing down the restaurant) they would grope each other and even made out at work. He said this went on for a few weeks before he went to her house and she gave him oral there. He said that was the first actual sexual contact, besides the groping at work.

Who knows WTF else bc he is probably STILL trickle truthing me.
He claims that it was to prevent me getting all pissed again and even more mad. I am pissed as hell. I am so mad. you guys have no idea. Why couldn't he just tell me EVERYTHING to begin with like the counselor recommended? Like the books he read recommended? He did everything else but that.

I cannot believe they hooked up AT WORK. IN THE BUILDING. WTF. I feel like I am finding out all over again.


oh and let me also say that he is MAD AT ME for getting mad all over again. He keeps saying that I dont want it to work out. That i keep digging for more. REALLY???? YOU ARE MAD???
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post #81 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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WOW! You guys could not have been more right.
I gave him an ultimatum to either tell me the rest of the story or I am gone. Like you guys, his story did not make much sense.


So he told me that he initiated it. That they had been flirting at work for a few weeks. When no one was around (late at night when closing down the restaurant) they would grope each other and even made out at work. He said this went on for a few weeks before he went to her house and she gave him oral there. He said that was the first actual sexual contact, besides the groping at work.

Who knows WTF else bc he is probably STILL trickle truthing me.
He claims that it was to prevent me getting all pissed again and even more mad. I am pissed as hell. I am so mad. you guys have no idea. Why couldn't he just tell me EVERYTHING to begin with like the counselor recommended? Like the books he read recommended? He did everything else but that.

I cannot believe they hooked up AT WORK. IN THE BUILDING. WTF. I feel like I am finding out all over again.


oh and let me also say that he is MAD AT ME for getting mad all over again. He keeps saying that I dont want it to work out. That i keep digging for more. REALLY???? YOU ARE MAD???
HE sucks and is probably still lying. He is mad at you? People in affairs have sex in their cars in parking lots, In dance club bathrooms while being filmed no less (I kid you not, look it up, some guy posted about it on SI and it hit the papers the following day). I am sorry to tell you this but there is no way he didn't F her, brutal word but that is what it was, like two dumb rabbits. Doesn't make logical sense that he didn't. Also, he probably has a history of "flirting". All cheaters have poor boundaries. This may not even be his first rodeo. Cheaters are a broken lot, they all pretty much act the same, they are liars and phonies even to themselves. Most are not worth the risk of having long-term emotional relationships with.

I am very sorry for you as you are dependent on him with 3 kids. But at this point, he is a proven liar and a cheat. You really have no idea and if you are honest with yourself you probably never will. I would work on getting my career going after school, at least then you won't be dependent on him.
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post #82 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

No remorse. Only self preservation and blameshifting to get you to back down and shut up.

Kick him out.
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post #83 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I am sorry to tell you this but there is no way he didn't F her, brutal word but that is what it was, like two dumb rabbits. Doesn't make logical sense that he didn't.
@adegirl2016

This OP..... He's still treating you like a FOOL. Multiple groping sessions at work and then alone in her house? This lead to only a bj?

It's practically impossible they didn't have sex. No only that but you can bet the house it's been on numerous occasions and unprotected.

Look, he's clearly UNREMORSEFUL if you're still getting half truths. He's not a 15 year old, ADULTS HAVE SEX. You NEED to accept that he did.

Divorce or doormat are your only two options at this point. He's clearly only sorry he got caught and still in damage control mode.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 01-26-2017 at 04:08 PM.
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post #84 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:25 PM Thread Starter
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He just admitted to having sex with her
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post #85 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Nothing changes really.

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post #86 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
He just admitted to having sex with her
You called in in your previous post. When he told you he went to her house and she gave him a BJ, you called it and said he was still trickle-truthing you.

And there it is. And I bet it wasn't just that one time.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #87 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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No remorse. Only self preservation and blameshifting to get you to back down and shut up.

Kick him out.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #88 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Given that you now know for sure, what do you want to do?

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~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #89 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:24 PM Thread Starter
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I am very numb. I don't know what to feel. I keep imagining it in my head. I am so hurt. All over again
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post #90 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
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It changes everything. For me, oral isn't as intimate. Still hurt like hell but now it's a whole new story. I feel numb. Can't think j straight. I feel bad because I know I am not giving my kids my all. Just making sure they are fed and clean. No interaction bc I am so depressed. He wrote out a timeline for me. They flirted for months but she broke up with her bf right before it happened and started coming onto him harder after that. I am glad he wrote it all out and it now makes more sense but I am so hurt. I am disgusted. I can't believe I have been being intimate with him after this. I am so turned off. The thought of touching him makes me want to throw up
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