It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #106 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I think it will take him months to change from regret to remorse, if ever.

I guarantee he can not feel remorse now - it's impossible - he's trying to escape consequences so is only focusing on himself


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post #107 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I really appreciate all of your advice. I am not sure yet that he has made a complete transition to spouse centered. He still seems very self centered. Not that he isn't "trying" but just not in the right way or for the right reasons.
When I brought up the fact that he was getting frustrated with me today, when he should have been more understanding, he said "well I have a lot going on in my mind too! I majorily messed up and I cannot stand to see you so upset. I really thought holding back that information would make things better but i see that it hasn't"
I guess there is nothing more I should do at this point.
He says that I am looking over our progress, so I think I am going to start journaling my feelings first thing in the morning and before I go to bed (thats when my feelings are the strongest). I will write down the positives of the day and the negatives so that if I need to look back I can.

He really acts like as if he didn't know he should have told me. It's like he thought he was doing me a favor by not telling me. Is it possible that someone really has zero clue as of how to fix this?

Just rambling.....
He's a coward; additionally, his thinking is flawed.

"I shouldn't have told you" comes from a place in which he assumes that, no matter what, you'll continue in marriage. Or, alternately, from a place in which he hopes -- for himself -- to avoid the pain and frustration of divorce.

In other words, it comes from a place in which he's desperately clinging onto a very self-centered outcome.

All his "concerns" aside, you had an absolute right to know that he'd stepped aside of your marriage so that you could determine for yourself whether or not you wanted to remain in the marriage.

Period.

And it's not like he came out and told you -- he trickle-told you.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #108 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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He's a coward; additionally, his thinking is flawed.

"I shouldn't have told you" comes from a place in which he assumes that, no matter what, you'll continue in marriage. Or, alternately, from a place in which he hopes -- for himself -- to avoid the pain and frustration of divorce.

In other words, it comes from a place in which he's desperately clinging onto a very self-centered outcome.

All his "concerns" aside, you had an absolute right to know that he'd stepped aside of your marriage so that you could determine for yourself whether or not you wanted to remain in the marriage.

Period.

And it's not like he came out and told you -- he trickle-told you.


It strikes me that he's only "sorry" because he got caught... I expect at some point, he'll try to make you feel bad, claiming it's your fault this reconciliation is so painful, and blame you for digging, etc.

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post #109 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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Yeah that's pretty much exactly what he said "why do you keep digging and digging??! You just want to divorce"
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post #110 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Yeah that's pretty much exactly what he said "why do you keep digging and digging??! You just want to divorce"
I would have said something like, "No, I just want you to stop being a poop-head" or something equally immature.

He really has no idea just how horrible his behavior was/is. He has no idea the damage he has done to your marriage and how much he has hurt you.

If he says that again, you may want to respond, quietly, "I have never wanted a divorce. But your behavior has destroyed our marriage, reducing it to rubble. You have betrayed me, you have been unfaithful, you have lied. A marriage can be re-built, but your current behavior indicates that you don't really care about all of that. Maybe you want a divorce, and this affair was your way of telling me." See what he says to THAT.

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post #111 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Yeah that's pretty much exactly what he said "why do you keep digging and digging??! You just want to divorce"
This resonates with me. It's like, no I don't WANT a divorce. I want to make decisions for MY life based on ALL the facts. If that means divorce, so be it, but like GIVE ME THE INFORMATION TO DECIDE! Right?
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post #112 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

BTW, I don't think he's actually open to all the hard work it will take to fix this. I think it will be a waste of your time. He's incredibly immature. I honestly don't think he has the emotional fortitude to do it.

He's protecting himself right now. He's viewing himself as the victim. That alleviates him of any real responsibility.

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post #113 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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I have contacted an attorney for legal advice. I am also going to recommend to him that he call his mom and talk to her about this. She already knows because me and her are super close. But it's time to face the music. When should he call my dad? Should he wait until my dad can see improvement in me?
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post #114 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Yeah that's pretty much exactly what he said "why do you keep digging and digging??! You just want to divorce"
"I dig to get the truth.

I want the truth so I can understand.

I want to understand so that we -- most especially you -- can work together to ensure that this will never happen again.

That entire process begins with the truth, and if you can't accept that, as well as humble yourself in such a way that you're willing to be held fully accountable for the true breadth of your actions, then you're not cut out for marriage, in which case we NEED to divorce."

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #115 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I have contacted an attorney for legal advice. I am also going to recommend to him that he call his mom and talk to her about this. She already knows because me and her are super close. But it's time to face the music. When should he call my dad? Should he wait until my dad can see improvement in me?
If he were at all interested in talking w/ your father, he'd have called him already.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #116 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 06:46 PM Thread Starter
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I feel like I'll never be happy again. I feel so depressed. I wonder when this hurt will stop
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post #117 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

The truth? Years. Three to five in general although some marriages take less and some more.

Reconcilation -- even when it works (and it doesn't always) -- is much harder than divorce (and I've done both).
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post #118 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I'm so terribly sorry that you're going through this. It takes so bloody long for some adulterers to even start to 'get-it', if at all. My husband put me through 9 months of torture. The DAY after I found some of their messages he screamed at me, "When are you going to stop picking the scab? Why can't you just get over it?". Less than 24 HOURS! Ugh!

I know the pain is indescribable. Those who haven't experienced it find it so hard to understand. Your H is protecting himself. He wants the 'hassle' (you) to just shut-up & get on with being a nice little wife & mother. I have no doubt that he feels some guilt but he's been doing a very good job of creating justifications in his mind to be able to do this. Why didn't he shut it down the first time they flirted? He told himself something. Why didn't he stop when they first kissed? Was it because his selfish pregnant wife didn't understand him??

Be careful of his justifications. Some of them 'stuck' with my husband. For example I was accused of stopping saying "I love you" before his affair. I even started to doubt myself. He swore it was true. I had to go back through messages I sent him to PROVE it was a lie!! Ugh! I have so many examples like that. They can believe some of their own lies. It sounds 'kind of' possible to you....IT'S NOT!!!

There's more to the 'truth'. This took time to build. Did she ask him about you? What did he say? She was dumped. Did she ask him when he was going to leave you? Is she the kind of girl/woman who would invite him back to her place without promises? Without "I love you's"? Only a few women are.

Until you know EVERTHING how can you possibly decide if you want to stay with him? It's so bloody hard.

I've been there with little children. You know people say "Time goes so fast. Cherish every moment!"? It's very, very true. I've lost countless experiences with my babies because I was stuck inside my head, trapped in my pain, playing things over & over in my mind. PLEASE try to force yourself to be in the moment with them. I know you can't be expected to do that all the time. Choose an activity that will focus you on them, with them.

Hold on tight to your support system.

Has he always been a ladies man or did he find it hard to 'get the girl' when he was younger? That will speak to the ego that you're dealing with.

It's going to be a bumpy ride. This is going to be about HIS guilt & HIS pain & HIS stress for a long time yet. The pathetic thing is cheats become so self centered they think 'thats' remorse!!
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post #119 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I feel like I'll never be happy again. I feel so depressed. I wonder when this hurt will stop
Please read my post to you again. There is hope. It WILL go away. It will stop, you will have joy again in your life. It's like being sick, it takes time to heal. Go get some counseling for your trauma, and don't be afraid to use med for a short period of time if needed. For sleeping and depression. If done right you will still be sad but not despondent.

You are just going to have to believe us as we all have been through it. There is hope and joy again.
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post #120 of 285 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

The hurt will stay for a long time. Every single time you learn something new it will either slam you back to here (hopefully if you want to reconcile) or it will slowly numb you to him.

The triggers keep bringing it back. They become less common & less intense but they remain. How HE deals with this. How HE comforts you & how HE grows & mourns will dictate a lot. My H still becomes defensive nearly 2 years since it started. Every time he is grumpy or quiet I feel sick, physically sick. I was watching a silly TV show the other night. I was perfectly content. The man in the show (Bobby Moor) cheated on his wife. I've been crying at the drop of a hat since! Ugh!!
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