Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS
I'm so terribly sorry that you're going through this. It takes so bloody long for some adulterers to even start to 'get-it', if at all. My husband put me through 9 months of torture. The DAY after I found some of their messages he screamed at me, "When are you going to stop picking the scab? Why can't you just get over it?". Less than 24 HOURS! Ugh!
I know the pain is indescribable. Those who haven't experienced it find it so hard to understand. Your H is protecting himself. He wants the 'hassle' (you) to just shut-up & get on with being a nice little wife & mother. I have no doubt that he feels some guilt but he's been doing a very good job of creating justifications in his mind to be able to do this. Why didn't he shut it down the first time they flirted? He told himself something. Why didn't he stop when they first kissed? Was it because his selfish pregnant wife didn't understand him??
Be careful of his justifications. Some of them 'stuck' with my husband. For example I was accused of stopping saying "I love you" before his affair. I even started to doubt myself. He swore it was true. I had to go back through messages I sent him to PROVE it was a lie!! Ugh! I have so many examples like that. They can believe some of their own lies. It sounds 'kind of' possible to you....IT'S NOT!!!
There's more to the 'truth'. This took time to build. Did she ask him about you? What did he say? She was dumped. Did she ask him when he was going to leave you? Is she the kind of girl/woman who would invite him back to her place without promises? Without "I love you's"? Only a few women are.
Until you know EVERTHING how can you possibly decide if you want to stay with him? It's so bloody hard.
I've been there with little children. You know people say "Time goes so fast. Cherish every moment!"? It's very, very true. I've lost countless experiences with my babies because I was stuck inside my head, trapped in my pain, playing things over & over in my mind. PLEASE try to force yourself to be in the moment with them. I know you can't be expected to do that all the time. Choose an activity that will focus you on them, with them.
Hold on tight to your support system.
Has he always been a ladies man or did he find it hard to 'get the girl' when he was younger? That will speak to the ego that you're dealing with.
It's going to be a bumpy ride. This is going to be about HIS guilt & HIS pain & HIS stress for a long time yet. The pathetic thing is cheats become so self centered they think 'thats' remorse!!