It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
The truth? Years. Three to five in general although some marriages take less and some more.

Reconcilation -- even when it works (and it doesn't always) -- is much harder than divorce (and I've done both).
I didn't divorce I broke up with the girl I proposed to. I only started to get better when she was gone. I was feeling much better in a year. Much easier without the trigger, that being her. As long as she was their she delayed my healing. I was fully healed when I fell in love again. All the triggers didn't matter anymore because I had no emotional connection to her (which was why they had power). After I feel in love with my wife, my ex just became someone who I unfortunately got involved with who did a very bad thing to me.

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post #122 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Once you've got children that person will always be part of your life to some extent. I'm still trying to reconcile & no-one has cheated on me in the past so I don't know. Is it still easier (emotionally) to divorce with children? I was obsessed with not breaking my family on d-day. I don't have a lot of divorce in my family. Parents, grandparents, most aunts & uncles etc still together in their 70's-80's. Ugh!
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post #123 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

When I asked him about justifications, he basically said he wasn't sure. He said that they were just flirting and having fun, and before he knew it, the opportunity was in front of him. He said he was not thinking of me or our family. He wasn't thinking of consequences and honestly thought he wouldn't get caught. He said he doesn't know if he would have ever told me just out of fear of me leaving. He said she knew about me from conversations with other co workers (I guess they all talked in groups a lot, due to the nature of their job) but that they never talked about me or our family one on one. He said it was just all fun and games and it was as if we didn't exist when he was with just her. He said he truly was not thinking of us. He said he was truly taken back that a young girl would have interest in him. I mean I am 5 years younger. Im only 25. WTF. Like I am old and useless or something.........

I can't get images of them together out of my head. Especially since finding out they had sex. Part of me wants to know the details of what happened. I keep imaging different scenarios. Why am I even thinking like this? I guess it's because he is MY husband. WE are supposed to be having sex.

I am sad because she is younger than me with no kids. I JUST had my second baby. I have lost a lot of weight but still have 20 or so pounds to go until I am happy. I am naturally really thin so it sucks to see myself bigger than usual. People who don't know me could never guess I just had a baby.
My skin is still kinda of saggy. I am just depressed about the way that I look. I know I shouldn't be. I have a beautiful baby because of it. But I can't help it.

I am graduating in THREE MONTHS. But I am having such a hard time completing my school work. I keep telling myself not to throw away this dream because of him. I can't let him take that away from me. I have been working so hard to finish school.

We had a long convo last night where he said he knew he has treated me bad over the past few years. He said he was extremely immature and wishes that he would have listened to me sooner. He said he really wants the chance to show me that he can be a great husband. I just don't know if I want to waste any more of my life. I feel like I have been through enough, and YES I actually do feel like divorcing would be easier at this point. If I divorce, I WILL find love again. And I am older now - so I know what I want in a husband. I was 20 when we got married, so I was a little young and quickly found out that I should have given marriage more thought than I did. I could find someone on my level. The hurt of him cheating would go away.
If I stay - I have to deal with these emotions. I have to think about them together. I have to wonder if he is cheating. There will be no trust. I have to wonder if I am wasting my time.

I really think I just want out.........
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post #124 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I met my husband shortly after my 21st birthday. He was kind of a dorky hippy, hahaha!..but he obviously grew on me. I NEVER thought for one moment that he could hurt me like that. Then he did. I forgave. I truly did. Huge things happened in our lives, deaths, births, we were older. We were a FAMILY!! Then 12 years later he did it again & I'm completely lost!!

I'm not young anymore. I'm sick. If I could turn back time....

I guess I'm not the best person to talk to at a time like this...or maybe I am! Bugger! It hurts so bloody much. How could he do this?

People say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater!". I never really believed that. He is capable of doing this to me. He has watched me shatter & break. AND it didn't stop him from doing it again when I needed him the most! People say "Once a cheater....", people think I'm stupid for trusting him again. I think I'm stupid!! That's the hardest thing to get over.
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post #125 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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That is what I am so afraid of. What if he does it again? I don't want to waste my life.
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post #126 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 07:12 PM
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Unhappy Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

adegirl2016

from an old fart - character is something one learns on the path of life. Some people improve with age and become shining example of all that is good.

Some don't learn, behave dishonestly and break rules (vows) of decent behavior. They Suffer and learn never to repeat the transgression.

Some people learn and never disappoint. Others, well - they don't learn or have the characteristic personal strength to do what is right. Which do you have? Do you think "he will learn?" How long before you know that answer? For me based on what you have related, I am a bit pessimistic.

The ice is really thin on this one - tread carefully

What is his "upbringing?" What is the character of his friends, relatives?
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post #127 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 08:37 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I feel like I'll never be happy again. I feel so depressed. I wonder when this hurt will stop
At least you have parents on your side. The pain will go away in time, time is a great healer and you will have learned alot at such a young age. Remember 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.' YOu will come out of this stronger, hang in there.
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post #128 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 08:43 PM Thread Starter
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adegirl2016

from an old fart - character is something one learns on the path of life. Some people improve with age and become shining example of all that is good.

Some don't learn, behave dishonestly and break rules (vows) of decent behavior. They Suffer and learn never to repeat the transgression.

Some people learn and never disappoint. Others, well - they don't learn or have the characteristic personal strength to do what is right. Which do you have? Do you think "he will learn?" How long before you know that answer? For me based on what you have related, I am a bit pessimistic.

The ice is really thin on this one - tread carefully

What is his "upbringing?" What is the character of his friends, relatives?
His parents/family are all very nice people. I am close with all of them. They all have good marriages. I can say that he has always struggled to make his dad proud. His mom has even told me that that's always been a problem for him. His dad is very nice and caring, but very tough on him at the same time. I can tell my father in law pretty much thinks my husband is going to mess anything and everything up. My husband is the type to do destructive things when faced with adversity. Where as I tend to make it my mission to prove people wrong or to make good out of situations. That's pretty much a big motivation for getting my degree ... everyone said that once I had my son at 20, I would never do it. My family thought I wouldn't be able to give him the things he deserves because I was so young. So... instead of agreeing with them and settling for that, I decided to enroll in school to prove them wrong. I've been promoted at work several times. I love my job. We have come a long way. When we started out we had nothing. His parents had to help us buy diapers. But once I got my job we were able to save to buy our first house. We just bought our "first" car. For the most part, we now live comfortably. We have to live without some things but I knew that once I graduated I would focus on making more money so we could have more.
My husband on the other hand, further destroys himself when faced with challenges, so if someone tells him he can't do something ... he says... yeah your right I suck!
There is definitely some depression there. He hates his job. He hates that he is 30 and working in a restaurant. His mom has even stated that he may be jealous of me, even if he wouldn't admit it. Being that I am younger than him and everything is going well for me. If you ask any of our friends and family how we got to where we are today (our home, car, general well being) they would all say it's because of me and the effort I have put into us having a good life.
My husband on the other hand, continued to act like a child after we got married. We had a lot of conflict because he also smoked weed daily. He actually did that up until he got caught cheating. He quit cold turkey after I found out. He said its one way he's proving his changes to me.
I probably should have mentioned that before, but there is only so much about our relationship I can fit into one post.
I know I am rambling here again but thought it might help to know
More background info
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post #129 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 08:43 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
When I asked him about justifications, he basically said he wasn't sure. He said that they were just flirting and having fun, and before he knew it, the opportunity was in front of him. He said he was not thinking of me or our family. He wasn't thinking of consequences and honestly thought he wouldn't get caught. He said he doesn't know if he would have ever told me just out of fear of me leaving. He said she knew about me from conversations with other co workers (I guess they all talked in groups a lot, due to the nature of their job) but that they never talked about me or our family one on one. He said it was just all fun and games and it was as if we didn't exist when he was with just her. He said he truly was not thinking of us. He said he was truly taken back that a young girl would have interest in him. I mean I am 5 years younger. Im only 25. WTF. Like I am old and useless or something.........

I can't get images of them together out of my head. Especially since finding out they had sex. Part of me wants to know the details of what happened. I keep imaging different scenarios. Why am I even thinking like this? I guess it's because he is MY husband. WE are supposed to be having sex.

I am sad because she is younger than me with no kids. I JUST had my second baby. I have lost a lot of weight but still have 20 or so pounds to go until I am happy. I am naturally really thin so it sucks to see myself bigger than usual. People who don't know me could never guess I just had a baby.
My skin is still kinda of saggy. I am just depressed about the way that I look. I know I shouldn't be. I have a beautiful baby because of it. But I can't help it.

I am graduating in THREE MONTHS. But I am having such a hard time completing my school work. I keep telling myself not to throw away this dream because of him. I can't let him take that away from me. I have been working so hard to finish school.

We had a long convo last night where he said he knew he has treated me bad over the past few years. He said he was extremely immature and wishes that he would have listened to me sooner. He said he really wants the chance to show me that he can be a great husband. I just don't know if I want to waste any more of my life. I feel like I have been through enough, and YES I actually do feel like divorcing would be easier at this point. If I divorce, I WILL find love again. And I am older now - so I know what I want in a husband. I was 20 when we got married, so I was a little young and quickly found out that I should have given marriage more thought than I did. I could find someone on my level. The hurt of him cheating would go away.
If I stay - I have to deal with these emotions. I have to think about them together. I have to wonder if he is cheating. There will be no trust. I have to wonder if I am wasting my time.

I really think I just want out.........

You are full of mixed emotions right now, so now is not the time to make a life changing decision. If he puts pressure on you, tell him you do not want to think about his cheating right now, you need him to back off so you can focus on your studies.
Don't give up on our studies, even without WH you will still have your qualifications and these will help you become independent and self sufficient.

But aside the marriage difficulties for now, no dwelling on it, take one day at a time. Go and see an IC to work through your feelings and emotions. Get the studies out of the way, by then, time will have passed and your head will be clearer, you will be in a better place to make a decision.
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post #130 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
When I asked him about justifications, he basically said he wasn't sure. He said that they were just flirting and having fun, and before he knew it, the opportunity was in front of him. He said he was not thinking of me or our family. He wasn't thinking of consequences and honestly thought he wouldn't get caught. He said he doesn't know if he would have ever told me just out of fear of me leaving. He said she knew about me from conversations with other co workers (I guess they all talked in groups a lot, due to the nature of their job) but that they never talked about me or our family one on one. He said it was just all fun and games and it was as if we didn't exist when he was with just her. He said he truly was not thinking of us. He said he was truly taken back that a young girl would have interest in him. I mean I am 5 years younger. Im only 25. WTF. Like I am old and useless or something.........

I can't get images of them together out of my head. Especially since finding out they had sex. Part of me wants to know the details of what happened. I keep imaging different scenarios. Why am I even thinking like this? I guess it's because he is MY husband. WE are supposed to be having sex.

I am sad because she is younger than me with no kids. I JUST had my second baby. I have lost a lot of weight but still have 20 or so pounds to go until I am happy. I am naturally really thin so it sucks to see myself bigger than usual. People who don't know me could never guess I just had a baby.
My skin is still kinda of saggy. I am just depressed about the way that I look. I know I shouldn't be. I have a beautiful baby because of it. But I can't help it.

I am graduating in THREE MONTHS. But I am having such a hard time completing my school work. I keep telling myself not to throw away this dream because of him. I can't let him take that away from me. I have been working so hard to finish school.

We had a long convo last night where he said he knew he has treated me bad over the past few years. He said he was extremely immature and wishes that he would have listened to me sooner. He said he really wants the chance to show me that he can be a great husband. I just don't know if I want to waste any more of my life. I feel like I have been through enough, and YES I actually do feel like divorcing would be easier at this point. If I divorce, I WILL find love again. And I am older now - so I know what I want in a husband. I was 20 when we got married, so I was a little young and quickly found out that I should have given marriage more thought than I did. I could find someone on my level. The hurt of him cheating would go away.
If I stay - I have to deal with these emotions. I have to think about them together. I have to wonder if he is cheating. There will be no trust. I have to wonder if I am wasting my time.

I really think I just want out.........
Cheaters are less evolved emotionally. Their empathy meter is broken. You and I would find doing something like that repulsive, but adulterers don't have the ability to understand this without a lot of work, and even then I think it's kind of like an autistic person learning bout communication. They can look for the queues and say the words but it really just a kind of elaborate dance. I really don't think most of them will ever be capable of understanding the hurt they cause. They are just not that introspective. Ever notice how they sleep so well while you are awake in pain? This is the reason. They don't get it, they aren't capable. It's also what makes them emotionally dangerous, because they don't get it. It also makes them not worth it.

Don't put yourself down about your weight, you had his baby for C sake! A normal man after a women has his baby should be in awe of his wife, not looking for a teenager to f*ck. Seriously your husband is trash. Something is really wrong with him. He wishes he would have listened sooner. He needed someone to tell him not to f*ck another girl while his wife was having his baby. Garbage.

Hang in there, I am going to tell you what my Mom told me, it held up to be true. If you get through this you will know you can get through anything because when it comes to love nothing is harder then the first time you were cheated on. The difference for you is you don't know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is.

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post #131 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:55 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by ShatteredStill View Post
I met my husband shortly after my 21st birthday. He was kind of a dorky hippy, hahaha!..but he obviously grew on me. I NEVER thought for one moment that he could hurt me like that. Then he did. I forgave. I truly did. Huge things happened in our lives, deaths, births, we were older. We were a FAMILY!! Then 12 years later he did it again & I'm completely lost!!

I'm not young anymore. I'm sick. If I could turn back time....

I guess I'm not the best person to talk to at a time like this...or maybe I am! Bugger! It hurts so bloody much. How could he do this?

People say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater!". I never really believed that. He is capable of doing this to me. He has watched me shatter & break. AND it didn't stop him from doing it again when I needed him the most! People say "Once a cheater....", people think I'm stupid for trusting him again. I think I'm stupid!! That's the hardest thing to get over.
They say that because most cheaters are broken. I am sorry you are going through that.
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post #132 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Cheaters are less evolved emotionally. Their empathy meter is broken. You and I would find doing something like that repulsive, but adulterers don't have the ability to understand this without a lot of work, and even then I think it's kind of like an autistic person learning bout communication. They can look for the queues and say the words but it really just a kind of elaborate dance. I really don't think most of them will ever be capable of understanding the hurt they cause. They are just not that introspective. Ever notice how they sleep so well while you are awake in pain? This is the reason. They don't get it, they aren't capable. It's also what makes them emotionally dangerous, because they don't get it. It also makes them not worth it.

Don't put yourself down about your weight, you had his baby for C sake! A normal man after a women has his baby should be in awe of his wife, not looking for a teenager to f*ck. Seriously your husband is trash. Something is really wrong with him. He wishes he would have listened sooner. He needed someone to tell him not to f*ck another girl while his wife was having his baby. Garbage.

Hang in there, I am going to tell you what my Mom told me, it held up to be true. If you get through this you will know you can get through anything because when it comes to love nothing is harder then the first time you were cheated on. The difference for you is you don't know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is.

I agree. Sometimes I wonder how he even watches TV right now. Like... I will walk out into the living room and he is so into this movie. or when he is taking a shower, he will turn on the radio... listening to this happy music. and inside I am wishing he would just stop. STOP BEING HAPPY. How can he be so content? While all I do is cry?
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post #133 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:59 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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His parents/family are all very nice people. I am close with all of them. They all have good marriages. I can say that he has always struggled to make his dad proud. His mom has even told me that that's always been a problem for him. His dad is very nice and caring, but very tough on him at the same time. I can tell my father in law pretty much thinks my husband is going to mess anything and everything up. My husband is the type to do destructive things when faced with adversity. Where as I tend to make it my mission to prove people wrong or to make good out of situations. That's pretty much a big motivation for getting my degree ... everyone said that once I had my son at 20, I would never do it. My family thought I wouldn't be able to give him the things he deserves because I was so young. So... instead of agreeing with them and settling for that, I decided to enroll in school to prove them wrong. I've been promoted at work several times. I love my job. We have come a long way. When we started out we had nothing. His parents had to help us buy diapers. But once I got my job we were able to save to buy our first house. We just bought our "first" car. For the most part, we now live comfortably. We have to live without some things but I knew that once I graduated I would focus on making more money so we could have more.
My husband on the other hand, further destroys himself when faced with challenges, so if someone tells him he can't do something ... he says... yeah your right I suck!
There is definitely some depression there. He hates his job. He hates that he is 30 and working in a restaurant. His mom has even stated that he may be jealous of me, even if he wouldn't admit it. Being that I am younger than him and everything is going well for me. If you ask any of our friends and family how we got to where we are today (our home, car, general well being) they would all say it's because of me and the effort I have put into us having a good life.
My husband on the other hand, continued to act like a child after we got married. We had a lot of conflict because he also smoked weed daily. He actually did that up until he got caught cheating. He quit cold turkey after I found out. He said its one way he's proving his changes to me.
I probably should have mentioned that before, but there is only so much about our relationship I can fit into one post.
I know I am rambling here again but thought it might help to know
More background info
No, just no, kids and smoking weed daily. No ambition. Broken lack of character. What do you see in him besides history? Look up "sunk cost fallacy."
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post #134 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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I agree. Sometimes I wonder how he even watches TV right now. Like... I will walk out into the living room and he is so into this movie. or when he is taking a shower, he will turn on the radio... listening to this happy music. and inside I am wishing he would just stop. STOP BEING HAPPY. How can he be so content? While all I do is cry?
I'm telling you, this is a real thing. They are different. There are people who can do that to people they say they love, and people who would rather die. Don't marry or stay married to the first kind, they are not safe choices.
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post #135 of 246 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 10:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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No, just no, kids and smoking weed daily. No ambition. Broken lack of character. What do you see in him besides history? Look up "sunk cost fallacy."

We got married too quickly. When we met, he was actually my manager at this restaurant/bar that we both worked at. It was in a little college town. So it's not surprise that he continues to go for girls that he works with. I mean... he did it to me. But it was different then because we were young and single.

We got pregnant with our son after just a few months of dating. Our parents pressured us to marry (mostly his). I feel like they pressured him to marry me because they knew I was a catch. I am not trying to talk myself up here. Because right now.. in many ways... i feel like the ugliest woman on the planet. But I feel like to his parents, I would be a great fit.

I mean think about it... If I leave... he is still where he was at 5 years ago when we married. Working in a restaurant.
I have grown a lot ... I am going places. I WILL BE OKAY.
If i leave.. he loses his good guy status with everyone else.


Anyway - he says that he wants to have a relationship with me now and that he realizes he has never treated me right. He says he knows that we have to basically start from scratch and that he is willing to do that.
I won't 100 percent talk bad about him... he DID quit smoking. He used to stay up super late playing video games.. then would sleep in ... now he goes to bed with me and wakes up with me. It makes such a difference to have help with the kids early in the morning.
He has started helping me cook. We have had great conversation. It's like we are FINALLY having the relationship that we should have had all along.
But that doesn't mean that it's enough to make me stay. I can have this kind of relationship with anyone. Plus he has put me through too much...

my mind is going CRAZY. the best advice I ever got was that I don't have to make a decision right now.. today... I can wait.
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