It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:15 AM Thread Starter
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It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I am sure if you are on this board, you know the pain. I have just found out that my husband cheated on me, and it hurts. really bad. Here is the story

My husband is 30 and I am 25.
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship since our four year old son was born. Something about the birth traumatized him (I think just the act in general) and we did not have a sex life for a year or so. He stayed away from me. This hurt my self esteem deeply. We sort of got over it after a LONG time... but the sex was still kinda of vanilla. Or one sided - he would give me no pleasure, only himself. He was extremely seflish. Also selfish in many other ways.

So that was our life. Sucky sex. Maybe once every two weeks. We both work full time. I am also a full time student (worth it - graduating in MAY!!!). We have our a four year old. And 9 months ago, i got pregnant again. Yes - NINE MONTHS AGO and I am still pregnant now. Our baby will be here in the next 4 days. Throughout this pregnancy, sex has gone out the window again. This time, it was both of our faults.... we were both feeling weird about it. I felt insecure. He thought I was fragile or whatever. We haven't done it since I was about 5 months. And no other forms of sex either.

So I will cut to the story .... just thought you needed some background info....

Sunday night, my husband called me after work and said that he had to run an errand for his work before he left, and would be home soon (this is a common occurrence, so I thought nothing of it) I said okay see ya soon.
So when he got home, we hung out for a little, everything was normal. About an hour into being home, he ran to the store to get something for us.
While he was gone, I noticed he left his Apple Watch. I decided to look through it. I found texts from some random number that went like this:

husband:
#:when do you get off work?
husband: in just a few minutes. cool?
#: yeah, my address "..............."
husband: ok see you in a few


that was it. that was it but i knew what was happening. I typed the random number into facebook, and a girl he works with popped up. so it was her. These texts went on while he was "running an errand for work"

I immediately called him and confronted him. He made up some stories... the first was that this was a dudes number.. the second that it was in fact a girls number, but that the dudes phone died and he needed to talk to him through her.

I told him I am not stupid. After some time, he actually told me the truth. he cheated on me. He says it was just oral, no intercourse. Doesn't matter to me. I am so hurt. BY the timing of when he got home and when the texts happen, he couldn't have been there for more than 10-15 minutes. If that. I do not see a long history of texts, just whats on the phone. I can see ingoing and outgoing calls and texts on the phone bill, and her number is no where on there.
This tells me they communicate in person at WORK.


He was immediately remorseful. Saying he was sorry. That he doesn't want to lose me. he knew it was wrong as soon as it started happening. he was crying.
I have never seen my husband cry before until then.


I of course, like I said, am very hurt. Confused. I am having a baby in 4 days. Our second child. It's almost Christmas, and our four year old is so excited. I decided to calm down and not freak out too much, because I do not want my daughters birth to be overshadowed by this, and I don't want Christmas to be either. I still do not know if I want to stay in the marriage - because the trust is RUINED.

We went to marriage counseling yesterday, and it went well. I can understand how this all played out. I can see that he is trying for once, and we even had sex last night, me super pregnant (and it was my idea, something about territory - i couldnt let her be the last person to touch him ) The counseler says the think sthe marriage is saveable, given the characteristics of the "affair" (my husband says there is no emotional attachment, no relationship, she was just basically a ****ty girl at work who would do it, and that it was a last minute decision).

He tried to call her in front of me (his idea) to tell her he made a big mistake and that he loves his wife and blahblah, but she didnt answer. She knows what is going on - because I sent her a text the night of, letting her know that I was his PREGNANT wife and knew what was going on. And that I hoped karma got her one day. thats all i said.


I just don't know how to move forward. My counselor gave me some books to read. But I keep getting images of them together in my head. Like flashbacks. I keep imaging them together and it makes me so angry. I cry and cry and cry. I have barely eaten. I have lost 7 pounds just in the two days. I am so depressed over this. My husband has not been to work since, because he was scheduled off the last two days, but he will be going back to work today. All I can think about is she will be there. He works in a restaurant, so if you have ever worked in one before, you know how it can be. It's not uncommon for the management to get involved with the young wait staff.

Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.


Last edited by adegirl2016; 12-14-2016 at 08:51 AM.
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post #2 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:32 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I'd be surprised, given the history you have described, if this was his only affair. Were I you, I'd seriously consider paying for him to take a polygraph before making any decisions.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #3 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:44 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I'd be surprised, given the history you have described, if this was his only affair. Were I you, I'd seriously consider paying for him to take a polygraph before making any decisions.
QFT

@adegirl2016
I would doubt that this is "all" there was to it. If you read some of the other threads on here, you'll get familiar with the term "trickle truth". He's only going to give you a little at a time and usually only what you already know. I haven't dealt with any fidelity (& hope I never do) but trickle truth is a part of nearly every single story of infidelity (so is gaslighting).

I'm sorry you're here; it's especially bad timing for you. I hope your childs birth goes well for you & baby.

Others will be along to give better advice to you. . . .

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."

Last edited by tropicalbeachiwish; 12-14-2016 at 08:52 AM.
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post #4 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 08:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Sorry guys - I have never posted here before. I will break it down some more! It's all so hard to describe. The counselor asked me if I had any more questions, or if there was anything else I wanted to know about it. But I said no. This is all so hard to deal with given that the baby will be here any day.

The scary thing is that if I would not have gone through his watch, I would have never known. I can't believe all of that can go down in a matter of 10 minutes.
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post #5 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.

That's a solid plan; gives you a chance to think things over and judge his remorse. It's important that he understands what it feels like - to not know if he will lose his wife for cheating on her. Don't commit to stay for now.

One other thing you have to insist on if you want to consider R. Either she leaves that job or he does. Period. There can be absolutely no contact. If that doesn't happen, he's made the decision for you.

Sorry you're here.
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post #6 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I am sure if you are on this board, you know the pain. I have just found out that my husband cheated on me, and it hurts. really bad. Here is the story

My husband is 30 and I am 25.
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship since our four year old son was born. Something about the birth traumatized him (I think just the act in general) and we did not have a sex life for a year or so. He stayed away from me. This hurt my self esteem deeply. We sort of got over it after a LONG time... but the sex was still kinda of vanilla. Or one sided - he would give me no pleasure, only himself. He was extremely seflish. Also selfish in many other ways.

So that was our life. Sucky sex. Maybe once every two weeks. We both work full time. I am also a full time student (worth it - graduating in MAY!!!). We have our a four year old. And 9 months ago, i got pregnant again. Yes - NINE MONTHS AGO and I am still pregnant now. Our baby will be here in the next 4 days. Throughout this pregnancy, sex has gone out the window again. This time, it was both of our faults.... we were both feeling weird about it. I felt insecure. He thought I was fragile or whatever. We haven't done it since I was about 5 months. And no other forms of sex either.
It is extremely normal for male and/or female to cut off the sex during pregnancy. It is often due to misconceptions, but more often due to lack of desire due to hormonal fluctuations/pain.

Quote:
So I will cut to the story .... just thought you needed some background info....

Sunday night, my husband called me after work and said that he had to run an errand for his work before he left, and would be home soon (this is a common occurrence, so I thought nothing of it) I said okay see ya soon.
So when he got home, we hung out for a little, everything was normal. About an hour into being home, he ran to the store to get something for us.
While he was gone, I noticed he left his Apple Watch. I decided to look through it. I found texts from some random number that went like this:

husband:
#:when do you get off work?
husband: in just a few minutes. cool?
#: yeah, my address "..............."
husband: ok see you in a few


that was it. that was it but i knew what was happening. I typed the random number into facebook, and a girl he works with popped up. so it was her. These texts went on while he was "running an errand for work"
Pretty obvious behavior. Similar story to what happened to me a long while ago.

Quote:
I immediately called him and confronted him. He made up some stories... the first was that this was a dudes number.. the second that it was in fact a girls number, but that the dudes phone died and he needed to talk to him through her.

I told him I am not stupid. After some time, he actually told me the truth. he cheated on me. He says it was just oral, no intercourse. Doesn't matter to me. I am so hurt. BY the timing of when he got home and when the texts happen, he couldn't have been there for more than 10-15 minutes. If that. I do not see a long history of texts, just whats on the phone. I can see ingoing and outgoing calls and texts on the phone bill, and her number is no where on there.
This tells me they communicate in person at WORK.
Most won't believe the "just oral" story. In fact, the biggest concern for me is that he thinks it makes it any less bad. Logically speaking, intent is 99% of the equation.


Quote:

He was immediately remorseful. Saying he was sorry. That he doesn't want to lose me. he knew it was wrong as soon as it started happening.
He knew it was wrong but kept doing it. Intent.

Quote:

he was crying.
I have never seen my husband cry before until then.
Desperation. Fear of loss. Normal.

Quote:

I of course, like I said, am very hurt. Confused. I am having a baby in 4 days. Our second child. It's almost Christmas, and our four year old is so excited. I decided to calm down and not freak out too much, because I do not want my daughters birth to be overshadowed by this, and I don't want Christmas to be either. I still do not know if I want to stay in the marriage - because the trust is RUINED.
That is how you feel now. That may or may not change. If he has fundamental flaws, this might make your distrust firm.

The question I have is whether or not you love him and can/will give him a chance.


Quote:
We went to marriage counseling yesterday, and it went well. I can understand how this all played out. I can see that he is trying for once, and we even had sex last night, me super pregnant (and it was my idea, something about territory - i couldnt let her be the last person to touch him ) The counseler says the think sthe marriage is saveable, given the characteristics of the "affair" (my husband says there is no emotional attachment, no relationship, she was just basically a ****ty girl at work who would do it, and that it was a last minute decision).
That is garbage. I also don't like the counselor's ignorance.

I was cheated on (# of times) many years ago. I expect men to approach and try to sleep with women, married, committed or otherwise. I can't blame men for acting like men. I can do something about it to enforce boundaries and my partner should do the same. Saying that this girl was "sh**ty" highlights an incredible amount of flaws of reason.

Your husband's flaw was the intent and lack of boundaries. Most likely, she did not approach him (as men do). There was probably some mutual flirting where they acted like they were courting each other. A last minute decision to have sex IGNORES all of the events that led up to it.

Those that know me are well aware of how forgiving I am and the depths of the forgiveness that I teach. That said, forgiveness implies that an actual apology occurred. Forgiveness implies that the other person deserves the forgiveness with their forward-looking behavior. Again, I do teach forgiveness as a possibility. However, I do NOT teach accepting ridiculous excuses. If the truth isn't on the table, then nothing can be forgiven. On top of that all, there was an attempt to shift the blame to her, in an attempt to take pity on him.


Quote:
He tried to call her in front of me (his idea) to tell her he made a big mistake and that he loves his wife and blahblah, but she didnt answer. She knows what is going on - because I sent her a text the night of, letting her know that I was his PREGNANT wife and knew what was going on. And that I hoped karma got her one day. thats all i said.
Desperation. I am not saying he is fake. I am saying that his efforts are entirely misguided. You prove your worth by your actions to your romantic partner. Part of that entails to no longer contact her, at all.


Quote:
I just don't know how to move forward. My counselor gave me some books to read. But I keep getting images of them together in my head. Like flashbacks. I keep imaging them together and it makes me so angry. I cry and cry and cry. I have barely eaten. I have lost 7 pounds just in the two days. I am so depressed over this. My husband has not been to work since, because he was scheduled off the last two days, but he will be going back to work today. All I can think about is she will be there. He works in a restaurant, so if you have ever worked in one before, you know how it can be. It's not uncommon for the management to get involved with the young wait staff.
It is early. You may have images and sharp pain for some time.

Do NOT rush to forgiveness this early. You will fail and it will cause further strife. Let yourself heal and work on the relationship (at your desire/will).

#1 Take care of yourself and family. If he is a good man, he will realize that he has to work through the pain you feel.




Quote:
Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
Again, we have to take the blinders off. When that happens, forgiveness is vastly easier. It also lets him know that he has real work to do.

Pregnancy and young children ARE HARD. I went through a nightmare pregnancy with my partner and it took a LONG time for the relationship to get back to full speed. Nightmare = pain/sickness/difficulties/hormones

Partners work TOGETHER, not against each other. If there is a pull back, the other should step in and initiate dialogue to fix things (if possible). Too often, a man dislikes the lack of sex/pregnancy sex and runs off elsewhere. Even if there is no cheating, countless relationships have huge fights over the lack/low amount of intimacy during and after pregnancy. Instead of pulling away, we have to move forward. Then, when all of the hormones and the body gets back to its normal self, the relationship can quickly get to full speed. If partners just fight and pull away during the healing period, there will be semi-permanent damage to the relationship.

You are entering a new period of your life and that has to be your focus. I advise holding each other to reasonable, objective standards, not false hope based on blame-shifting and desperation. He has fundamental things that he must address. This takes serious time and effort. If one thinks that all he needed was to get caught, think again. It wasn't just the act of the affair but all of the serious relational flaws that led up to it.
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post #7 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:40 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

I doubt she will be there at the current job long... wonderful initiative to expose to light.

Boundaries to keep you sane while you focus on your coming daughter, son, and the things that make this special for them and you, make sure he understands these with the utmost clarity.

For the next 30 days, a simple boundary.

"Husband, there is no again... this is my primary boundary. If you chose to work on this, counseling today and begin working on how you will repair this".

The heavy lifting in this is all his... you have enough to carry right now.

If his remorse is true, he can begin to expose to his family first... humility is a wonderful first step in repairing self because if he can't repair self, there is no repairing anything else.
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post #8 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:47 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

1-he showed regret not remorse. Most prisoners have regret. Regret is obvious - it's about your H and his loss and his fears. It's ALL about his panic at being caught and seeing CONSEQUENCES.

2-remorse is all about YOU. It comes from him - not you. If he were remorseful he'd be opening all his passwords, he'd be doing no contact letters, he'd be asking what you need. YOU initiated the call to the girl. YOU had to catch him. This is NOT remorse.

3-get a new counselor if this one doesn't make it all about fixing your broken H. HE's the problem

4-sorry you had to find out your H is a bad partner with poor boundaries and low character


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post #9 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
Deja Vu. I just wrote a post about this happening a couple of days ago. Men who cheat often do this when the wife is pregnant and unavailable. Yuk.

Sorry this is happening to you. He was happy being a husband. Having a women at home that he could make love to. When you became pregnant and became a "Mother", well that is not what he wants at this stage in life. He does not want F a mother... He is an azz.

Your timeline works for me. Especially if you have a place to go. If you can move out sooner, so be it. Better yet. Tell him to leave. Strongly.

Finish your school. That is the fourth most important thing.

Having a successful delivery, making sure your 4 year old is safe, and you are safe come first.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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post #10 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
1-he showed regret not remorse. Most prisoners have regret. Regret is obvious - it's about your H and his loss and his fears. It's ALL about his panic at being caught and seeing CONSEQUENCES.

2-remorse is all about YOU. It comes from him - not you. If he were remorseful he'd be opening all his passwords, he'd be doing no contact letters, he'd be asking what you need. YOU initiated the call to the girl. YOU had to catch him. This is NOT remorse.

3-get a new counselor if this one doesn't make it all about fixing your broken H. HE's the problem

4-sorry you had to find out your H is a bad partner with poor boundaries and low character


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I'm sorry I wasn't clear -
He is the one who initiated the call to the girl. He asked me if I wanted him to call her to make sure she understands no more (he didn't want to do it without my permission). I said yes, I do want you to call her and tell her that.

I sent her a text on my own behalf.

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post #11 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

He is working on no contact. She does not answer his calls. He said he would tell her in person since she will not answer.
She is probably ignoring him because she knows what its going to be about, since I sent her a text.

He is working on a new job. He has already been applying places and even has a family member who may have a spot for him.

He has turned on Find My Iphone so that I can see where he is at all times. He promised to call or text me or whatever I needed him to do through out his work day so that I feel better. He has asked me numerous times what he can do to help me. I don't know what to tell him. So thats why I need help. I guess there is going to be no sure way to know if he cheats again, so I need help rebuilding trust (if thats going to be possible)

He does seem to be making the efforts, where as in the past he has not.
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post #12 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

It's like I told my family - my ultimate goal in this is to come out a better person myself. Whether that is building back my confidence, and building the best relationship we can.
Or maybe it's getting a divorce months from now, me finding myself, and in return finding someone much better in the future.
It will all depend on his actions over the next month or so (until I get my bonus from work and can afford to).
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post #13 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:22 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Right now, you just need time to work through all the emotions you're going to feel. Don't make any decisions anytime soon, unless you just can't stand having him around. Continue with the therapy. The sex issue has to be resolved at any rate, if you decide to stay together.
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post #14 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:49 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
I of course, like I said, am very hurt. Confused. I am having a baby in 4 days. Our second child. It's almost Christmas, and our four year old is so excited. I decided to calm down and not freak out too much, because I do not want my daughters birth to be overshadowed by this, and I don't want Christmas to be either. I still do not know if I want to stay in the marriage - because the trust is RUINED.
Wow, that's cruel to cheat on you right before giving birth, I can't imagine how horrible u must feel. Don't believe a word he says or his crying, he is just sorry he got caught!! Be strong and make him work hard to earn you back thru actions, not words or tears...tell him you aren't sure of what you want and will take all the time you need to decide, best of luck to you
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post #15 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

My husband cheated on me during my pregnancy. Now, I know he did not PHYSICALLY cheat on me, after a polygraph exonerated him from that level of infidelity, but its still not enough for me to feel at peace.

I learned that while we conceived our last child, (we wanted him) He was carrying on an affair with (Kate). They both tried to arrange a meet up but she lived a few states away so it was not easy for them to hook up.

He had other women he skyped sexually, etc, but there was INTENT to have not only an affair but a threesome with as it turns out prostitutes. (HE did not know that at the time) The meet ups never happened, but the pain I feel is from his intent.

He could have given me or our unborn son an STD, he was also HORRIBLE to me while he was cheating. I just did not understand the reason.

I can tell you... Honestly. I love my third born son... But the circumstances of his birth were COMPLETELY overshadowed now by my husbands selfishness, and lack of love or care for me or his unborn child. To be honest....I CAN NEVER FORGIVE him for ruining my memory of the conception, pregnancy and birth of our last born. He was a terrible husband while I was pregnant with our other children... But with the first two he was not cheating. Our last I remember telling him that he had to treat me good. Make me a GOD DAMN QUEEN while i was pregnant. He didn't, and also he upped the abuse with cheating.... I just did not find out till that baby boy was 6 months old.

I smile at MY BEAUTIFUL son .but i do know beyond a shadow of a doubt If i had found out his father was cheating while he was with Kate, my reaction would have been abortion. To know, that my pain was so great that I would have ended my pregnancy is a pain I bear. I did not handle D-day very well. And if i had aborted I know I would have regretted it to my dying day, but i still have resentment. If i had KNOWN my husband was cheating I would have never had a third child with him. not a chance... i HAVE to live with that personal guilt as he has to live with his own guilt.

You are right, get through this babies birth. Christmas is already Ruined for you. so is the birth.... Im sorry, If you are anything like me it will be eating at you. Best I can advise is to get your answers. Polygraph him, I would not have him in the delivery room, I would probably also File for Divorce, (not saying you will actually divorce) but i have learned If there is no (HARSH) consequences, they have trouble finding remorse.

Seriously, File for either divorce or separation and he will get the message. He needs to do a DAMN sight more than cry and say she is a ****. He made a choice. HE HAD SEX...oral is a common minimization of his actions. You need to get tested for STDs again...I know you did that when you first started with the pregnancy but you need it again.

Slam him hard with consequences. (I didn't FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF and I hated myself thinking I was weak because I also found out on DEC 11-2014, and I did not want to ruin christmas... I regret that SO MUCH. I have been trying to Reconcile for now 2 years and the path has been horrible and brutal because I lost respect for myself. Keep the respect you have for yourself the FOREMOST thought in your mind. yoU CAN FORGIVE HIM LATER, just bring the hammer down and expose to all people, and hit him where he feels it the most. I know it sounds vindictive, and maybe too harsh, but i sense he will still try to stay with you. He just needs to find TRUE remorse, he is only regretful, Don't worry, ALL CHEATERS ARE REGRETFUL WHEN THEY ARE CAUGHT, but remorse takes time for them to arrive to. Its our actions and the consequences they face that shape and push them towards remorse.

Hugs to you... When the baby is born have your family help. Don't rely on your husband.
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