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It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS

45K views 307 replies 50 participants last post by  FeministInPink 
#1 · (Edited)
I am sure if you are on this board, you know the pain. I have just found out that my husband cheated on me, and it hurts. really bad. Here is the story

My husband is 30 and I am 25.
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship since our four year old son was born. Something about the birth traumatized him (I think just the act in general) and we did not have a sex life for a year or so. He stayed away from me. This hurt my self esteem deeply. We sort of got over it after a LONG time... but the sex was still kinda of vanilla. Or one sided - he would give me no pleasure, only himself. He was extremely seflish. Also selfish in many other ways.

So that was our life. Sucky sex. Maybe once every two weeks. We both work full time. I am also a full time student (worth it - graduating in MAY!!!). We have our a four year old. And 9 months ago, i got pregnant again. Yes - NINE MONTHS AGO and I am still pregnant now. Our baby will be here in the next 4 days. Throughout this pregnancy, sex has gone out the window again. This time, it was both of our faults.... we were both feeling weird about it. I felt insecure. He thought I was fragile or whatever. We haven't done it since I was about 5 months. And no other forms of sex either.

So I will cut to the story .... just thought you needed some background info....

Sunday night, my husband called me after work and said that he had to run an errand for his work before he left, and would be home soon (this is a common occurrence, so I thought nothing of it) I said okay see ya soon.
So when he got home, we hung out for a little, everything was normal. About an hour into being home, he ran to the store to get something for us.
While he was gone, I noticed he left his Apple Watch. I decided to look through it. I found texts from some random number that went like this:

husband: :(
#:when do you get off work?
husband: in just a few minutes. cool?
#: yeah, my address "..............."
husband: ok see you in a few


that was it. that was it but i knew what was happening. I typed the random number into facebook, and a girl he works with popped up. so it was her. These texts went on while he was "running an errand for work"

I immediately called him and confronted him. He made up some stories... the first was that this was a dudes number.. the second that it was in fact a girls number, but that the dudes phone died and he needed to talk to him through her.

I told him I am not stupid. After some time, he actually told me the truth. he cheated on me. He says it was just oral, no intercourse. Doesn't matter to me. I am so hurt. BY the timing of when he got home and when the texts happen, he couldn't have been there for more than 10-15 minutes. If that. I do not see a long history of texts, just whats on the phone. I can see ingoing and outgoing calls and texts on the phone bill, and her number is no where on there.
This tells me they communicate in person at WORK.


He was immediately remorseful. Saying he was sorry. That he doesn't want to lose me. he knew it was wrong as soon as it started happening. he was crying.
I have never seen my husband cry before until then.


I of course, like I said, am very hurt. Confused. I am having a baby in 4 days. Our second child. It's almost Christmas, and our four year old is so excited. I decided to calm down and not freak out too much, because I do not want my daughters birth to be overshadowed by this, and I don't want Christmas to be either. I still do not know if I want to stay in the marriage - because the trust is RUINED.

We went to marriage counseling yesterday, and it went well. I can understand how this all played out. I can see that he is trying for once, and we even had sex last night, me super pregnant (and it was my idea, something about territory - i couldnt let her be the last person to touch him :() The counseler says the think sthe marriage is saveable, given the characteristics of the "affair" (my husband says there is no emotional attachment, no relationship, she was just basically a ****ty girl at work who would do it, and that it was a last minute decision).

He tried to call her in front of me (his idea) to tell her he made a big mistake and that he loves his wife and blahblah, but she didnt answer. She knows what is going on - because I sent her a text the night of, letting her know that I was his PREGNANT wife and knew what was going on. And that I hoped karma got her one day. thats all i said.


I just don't know how to move forward. My counselor gave me some books to read. But I keep getting images of them together in my head. Like flashbacks. I keep imaging them together and it makes me so angry. I cry and cry and cry. I have barely eaten. I have lost 7 pounds just in the two days. I am so depressed over this. My husband has not been to work since, because he was scheduled off the last two days, but he will be going back to work today. All I can think about is she will be there. He works in a restaurant, so if you have ever worked in one before, you know how it can be. It's not uncommon for the management to get involved with the young wait staff.

Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
 
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#3 · (Edited)
QFT

@adegirl2016
I would doubt that this is "all" there was to it. If you read some of the other threads on here, you'll get familiar with the term "trickle truth". He's only going to give you a little at a time and usually only what you already know. I haven't dealt with any fidelity (& hope I never do) but trickle truth is a part of nearly every single story of infidelity (so is gaslighting).

I'm sorry you're here; it's especially bad timing for you. I hope your childs birth goes well for you & baby.

Others will be along to give better advice to you. . . .
 
#4 ·
Sorry guys - I have never posted here before. I will break it down some more! It's all so hard to describe. The counselor asked me if I had any more questions, or if there was anything else I wanted to know about it. But I said no. This is all so hard to deal with given that the baby will be here any day.

The scary thing is that if I would not have gone through his watch, I would have never known. I can't believe all of that can go down in a matter of 10 minutes.
 
#249 ·
2 weeks ago, I discovered my husband had been cheating from a swinging site, 7 meets in total all oral sex. I made him do a polygraph to see if any sex took place. He passed all my questions. However it still hurts like hell even oral sex. It's started just after I had his baby. I have better days now, today was an ok day, but yesterday I was plagued by images and the hurt comes back. We have yet to get a counsellor but it's definitely on our must list asap. I have no idea what the future will hold, but at the moment I'm just living day to day. I hope you find a peaceful place before you baby's birth. Xx
 
#5 ·
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.

That's a solid plan; gives you a chance to think things over and judge his remorse. It's important that he understands what it feels like - to not know if he will lose his wife for cheating on her. Don't commit to stay for now.

One other thing you have to insist on if you want to consider R. Either she leaves that job or he does. Period. There can be absolutely no contact. If that doesn't happen, he's made the decision for you.

Sorry you're here.
 
#6 ·
I am sure if you are on this board, you know the pain. I have just found out that my husband cheated on me, and it hurts. really bad. Here is the story

My husband is 30 and I am 25.
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship since our four year old son was born. Something about the birth traumatized him (I think just the act in general) and we did not have a sex life for a year or so. He stayed away from me. This hurt my self esteem deeply. We sort of got over it after a LONG time... but the sex was still kinda of vanilla. Or one sided - he would give me no pleasure, only himself. He was extremely seflish. Also selfish in many other ways.

So that was our life. Sucky sex. Maybe once every two weeks. We both work full time. I am also a full time student (worth it - graduating in MAY!!!). We have our a four year old. And 9 months ago, i got pregnant again. Yes - NINE MONTHS AGO and I am still pregnant now. Our baby will be here in the next 4 days. Throughout this pregnancy, sex has gone out the window again. This time, it was both of our faults.... we were both feeling weird about it. I felt insecure. He thought I was fragile or whatever. We haven't done it since I was about 5 months. And no other forms of sex either.
It is extremely normal for male and/or female to cut off the sex during pregnancy. It is often due to misconceptions, but more often due to lack of desire due to hormonal fluctuations/pain.

So I will cut to the story .... just thought you needed some background info....

Sunday night, my husband called me after work and said that he had to run an errand for his work before he left, and would be home soon (this is a common occurrence, so I thought nothing of it) I said okay see ya soon.
So when he got home, we hung out for a little, everything was normal. About an hour into being home, he ran to the store to get something for us.
While he was gone, I noticed he left his Apple Watch. I decided to look through it. I found texts from some random number that went like this:

husband: :(
#:when do you get off work?
husband: in just a few minutes. cool?
#: yeah, my address "..............."
husband: ok see you in a few


that was it. that was it but i knew what was happening. I typed the random number into facebook, and a girl he works with popped up. so it was her. These texts went on while he was "running an errand for work"
Pretty obvious behavior. Similar story to what happened to me a long while ago.

I immediately called him and confronted him. He made up some stories... the first was that this was a dudes number.. the second that it was in fact a girls number, but that the dudes phone died and he needed to talk to him through her.

I told him I am not stupid. After some time, he actually told me the truth. he cheated on me. He says it was just oral, no intercourse. Doesn't matter to me. I am so hurt. BY the timing of when he got home and when the texts happen, he couldn't have been there for more than 10-15 minutes. If that. I do not see a long history of texts, just whats on the phone. I can see ingoing and outgoing calls and texts on the phone bill, and her number is no where on there.
This tells me they communicate in person at WORK.
Most won't believe the "just oral" story. In fact, the biggest concern for me is that he thinks it makes it any less bad. Logically speaking, intent is 99% of the equation.


He was immediately remorseful. Saying he was sorry. That he doesn't want to lose me. he knew it was wrong as soon as it started happening.
He knew it was wrong but kept doing it. Intent.

he was crying.
I have never seen my husband cry before until then.
Desperation. Fear of loss. Normal.

I of course, like I said, am very hurt. Confused. I am having a baby in 4 days. Our second child. It's almost Christmas, and our four year old is so excited. I decided to calm down and not freak out too much, because I do not want my daughters birth to be overshadowed by this, and I don't want Christmas to be either. I still do not know if I want to stay in the marriage - because the trust is RUINED.
That is how you feel now. That may or may not change. If he has fundamental flaws, this might make your distrust firm.

The question I have is whether or not you love him and can/will give him a chance.


We went to marriage counseling yesterday, and it went well. I can understand how this all played out. I can see that he is trying for once, and we even had sex last night, me super pregnant (and it was my idea, something about territory - i couldnt let her be the last person to touch him :() The counseler says the think sthe marriage is saveable, given the characteristics of the "affair" (my husband says there is no emotional attachment, no relationship, she was just basically a ****ty girl at work who would do it, and that it was a last minute decision).
That is garbage. I also don't like the counselor's ignorance.

I was cheated on (# of times) many years ago. I expect men to approach and try to sleep with women, married, committed or otherwise. I can't blame men for acting like men. I can do something about it to enforce boundaries and my partner should do the same. Saying that this girl was "sh**ty" highlights an incredible amount of flaws of reason.

Your husband's flaw was the intent and lack of boundaries. Most likely, she did not approach him (as men do). There was probably some mutual flirting where they acted like they were courting each other. A last minute decision to have sex IGNORES all of the events that led up to it.

Those that know me are well aware of how forgiving I am and the depths of the forgiveness that I teach. That said, forgiveness implies that an actual apology occurred. Forgiveness implies that the other person deserves the forgiveness with their forward-looking behavior. Again, I do teach forgiveness as a possibility. However, I do NOT teach accepting ridiculous excuses. If the truth isn't on the table, then nothing can be forgiven. On top of that all, there was an attempt to shift the blame to her, in an attempt to take pity on him.


He tried to call her in front of me (his idea) to tell her he made a big mistake and that he loves his wife and blahblah, but she didnt answer. She knows what is going on - because I sent her a text the night of, letting her know that I was his PREGNANT wife and knew what was going on. And that I hoped karma got her one day. thats all i said.
Desperation. I am not saying he is fake. I am saying that his efforts are entirely misguided. You prove your worth by your actions to your romantic partner. Part of that entails to no longer contact her, at all.


I just don't know how to move forward. My counselor gave me some books to read. But I keep getting images of them together in my head. Like flashbacks. I keep imaging them together and it makes me so angry. I cry and cry and cry. I have barely eaten. I have lost 7 pounds just in the two days. I am so depressed over this. My husband has not been to work since, because he was scheduled off the last two days, but he will be going back to work today. All I can think about is she will be there. He works in a restaurant, so if you have ever worked in one before, you know how it can be. It's not uncommon for the management to get involved with the young wait staff.
It is early. You may have images and sharp pain for some time.

Do NOT rush to forgiveness this early. You will fail and it will cause further strife. Let yourself heal and work on the relationship (at your desire/will).

#1 Take care of yourself and family. If he is a good man, he will realize that he has to work through the pain you feel.




Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
Again, we have to take the blinders off. When that happens, forgiveness is vastly easier. It also lets him know that he has real work to do.

Pregnancy and young children ARE HARD. I went through a nightmare pregnancy with my partner and it took a LONG time for the relationship to get back to full speed. Nightmare = pain/sickness/difficulties/hormones

Partners work TOGETHER, not against each other. If there is a pull back, the other should step in and initiate dialogue to fix things (if possible). Too often, a man dislikes the lack of sex/pregnancy sex and runs off elsewhere. Even if there is no cheating, countless relationships have huge fights over the lack/low amount of intimacy during and after pregnancy. Instead of pulling away, we have to move forward. Then, when all of the hormones and the body gets back to its normal self, the relationship can quickly get to full speed. If partners just fight and pull away during the healing period, there will be semi-permanent damage to the relationship.

You are entering a new period of your life and that has to be your focus. I advise holding each other to reasonable, objective standards, not false hope based on blame-shifting and desperation. He has fundamental things that he must address. This takes serious time and effort. If one thinks that all he needed was to get caught, think again. It wasn't just the act of the affair but all of the serious relational flaws that led up to it.
 
#7 ·
I doubt she will be there at the current job long... wonderful initiative to expose to light.

Boundaries to keep you sane while you focus on your coming daughter, son, and the things that make this special for them and you, make sure he understands these with the utmost clarity.

For the next 30 days, a simple boundary.

"Husband, there is no again... this is my primary boundary. If you chose to work on this, counseling today and begin working on how you will repair this".

The heavy lifting in this is all his... you have enough to carry right now.

If his remorse is true, he can begin to expose to his family first... humility is a wonderful first step in repairing self because if he can't repair self, there is no repairing anything else.
 
#8 ·
1-he showed regret not remorse. Most prisoners have regret. Regret is obvious - it's about your H and his loss and his fears. It's ALL about his panic at being caught and seeing CONSEQUENCES.

2-remorse is all about YOU. It comes from him - not you. If he were remorseful he'd be opening all his passwords, he'd be doing no contact letters, he'd be asking what you need. YOU initiated the call to the girl. YOU had to catch him. This is NOT remorse.

3-get a new counselor if this one doesn't make it all about fixing your broken H. HE's the problem

4-sorry you had to find out your H is a bad partner with poor boundaries and low character


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#9 ·
Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
Deja Vu. I just wrote a post about this happening a couple of days ago. Men who cheat often do this when the wife is pregnant and unavailable. Yuk.

Sorry this is happening to you. He was happy being a husband. Having a women at home that he could make love to. When you became pregnant and became a "Mother", well that is not what he wants at this stage in life. He does not want F a mother... He is an azz.

Your timeline works for me. Especially if you have a place to go. If you can move out sooner, so be it. Better yet. Tell him to leave. Strongly.

Finish your school. That is the fourth most important thing.

Having a successful delivery, making sure your 4 year old is safe, and you are safe come first.
 
#11 ·
He is working on no contact. She does not answer his calls. He said he would tell her in person since she will not answer.
She is probably ignoring him because she knows what its going to be about, since I sent her a text.

He is working on a new job. He has already been applying places and even has a family member who may have a spot for him.

He has turned on Find My Iphone so that I can see where he is at all times. He promised to call or text me or whatever I needed him to do through out his work day so that I feel better. He has asked me numerous times what he can do to help me. I don't know what to tell him. So thats why I need help. I guess there is going to be no sure way to know if he cheats again, so I need help rebuilding trust (if thats going to be possible)

He does seem to be making the efforts, where as in the past he has not.
 
#39 ·
He has turned on Find My Iphone so that I can see where he is at all times.
Not quite. You can see where his phone is, or was at the last point it was switched off. The difference could be significant.

I am pretty sure that there will be an app out there that allows you to send out a spoof location to hide your real one.
 
#12 ·
It's like I told my family - my ultimate goal in this is to come out a better person myself. Whether that is building back my confidence, and building the best relationship we can.
Or maybe it's getting a divorce months from now, me finding myself, and in return finding someone much better in the future.
It will all depend on his actions over the next month or so (until I get my bonus from work and can afford to).
 
#14 ·
I of course, like I said, am very hurt. Confused. I am having a baby in 4 days. Our second child. It's almost Christmas, and our four year old is so excited. I decided to calm down and not freak out too much, because I do not want my daughters birth to be overshadowed by this, and I don't want Christmas to be either. I still do not know if I want to stay in the marriage - because the trust is RUINED.
Wow, that's cruel to cheat on you right before giving birth, I can't imagine how horrible u must feel. Don't believe a word he says or his crying, he is just sorry he got caught!! Be strong and make him work hard to earn you back thru actions, not words or tears...tell him you aren't sure of what you want and will take all the time you need to decide, best of luck to you
 
#15 ·
My husband cheated on me during my pregnancy. Now, I know he did not PHYSICALLY cheat on me, after a polygraph exonerated him from that level of infidelity, but its still not enough for me to feel at peace.

I learned that while we conceived our last child, (we wanted him) He was carrying on an affair with (Kate). They both tried to arrange a meet up but she lived a few states away so it was not easy for them to hook up.

He had other women he skyped sexually, etc, but there was INTENT to have not only an affair but a threesome with as it turns out prostitutes. (HE did not know that at the time) The meet ups never happened, but the pain I feel is from his intent.

He could have given me or our unborn son an STD, he was also HORRIBLE to me while he was cheating. I just did not understand the reason.

I can tell you... Honestly. I love my third born son... But the circumstances of his birth were COMPLETELY overshadowed now by my husbands selfishness, and lack of love or care for me or his unborn child. To be honest....I CAN NEVER FORGIVE him for ruining my memory of the conception, pregnancy and birth of our last born. He was a terrible husband while I was pregnant with our other children... But with the first two he was not cheating. Our last I remember telling him that he had to treat me good. Make me a GOD DAMN QUEEN while i was pregnant. He didn't, and also he upped the abuse with cheating.... I just did not find out till that baby boy was 6 months old.

I smile at MY BEAUTIFUL son .but i do know beyond a shadow of a doubt If i had found out his father was cheating while he was with Kate, my reaction would have been abortion. To know, that my pain was so great that I would have ended my pregnancy is a pain I bear. I did not handle D-day very well. And if i had aborted I know I would have regretted it to my dying day, but i still have resentment. If i had KNOWN my husband was cheating I would have never had a third child with him. not a chance... i HAVE to live with that personal guilt as he has to live with his own guilt.

You are right, get through this babies birth. Christmas is already Ruined for you. so is the birth.... Im sorry, If you are anything like me it will be eating at you. Best I can advise is to get your answers. Polygraph him, I would not have him in the delivery room, I would probably also File for Divorce, (not saying you will actually divorce) but i have learned If there is no (HARSH) consequences, they have trouble finding remorse.

Seriously, File for either divorce or separation and he will get the message. He needs to do a DAMN sight more than cry and say she is a ****. He made a choice. HE HAD SEX...oral is a common minimization of his actions. You need to get tested for STDs again...I know you did that when you first started with the pregnancy but you need it again.

Slam him hard with consequences. (I didn't FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF and I hated myself thinking I was weak because I also found out on DEC 11-2014, and I did not want to ruin christmas... I regret that SO MUCH. I have been trying to Reconcile for now 2 years and the path has been horrible and brutal because I lost respect for myself. Keep the respect you have for yourself the FOREMOST thought in your mind. yoU CAN FORGIVE HIM LATER, just bring the hammer down and expose to all people, and hit him where he feels it the most. I know it sounds vindictive, and maybe too harsh, but i sense he will still try to stay with you. He just needs to find TRUE remorse, he is only regretful, Don't worry, ALL CHEATERS ARE REGRETFUL WHEN THEY ARE CAUGHT, but remorse takes time for them to arrive to. Its our actions and the consequences they face that shape and push them towards remorse.

Hugs to you... When the baby is born have your family help. Don't rely on your husband.
 
#18 ·
When my husband cheated I kicked him out the same day I found out. You need to lower the boom in a similar manner. He needs to know that this is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE and you will not stand for it.

I also agree that you need to get a polygraph. Cheaters only admit to what they think you already know. It's called trickle truth and it's very insidious, and ALL cheaters do it.

My husband and I are stupidly happy today, but the only reason for that is that he owned everything he did and has worked VERY hard over the last 6 1/2 years to fix himself. If he hadn't done what he needed to we would not be together because I would never have let him move back home. Our story is linked in my sig if you want to read it.
 
#19 ·
I did kick him out the night I found out. I forgot to add that. He slept in a Walmart parking lot in his car.

Like I said - the only reason he is home is because I am about to give birth. I went back and forth and thought about it over and over and decided that I don't want him to NOT be in the room. I want him to be there for his daughter. I don't want bad memories of her birth. Even though I will never forget this. I am trying my best to make the most wise decisions I can.
 
#20 · (Edited)
Something about the birth traumatized him (I think just the act in general) and we did not have a sex life for a year or so. He stayed away from me. This hurt my self esteem deeply. We sort of got over it after a LONG time... but the sex was still kinda of vanilla. Or one sided - he would give me no pleasure, only himself.
I'd think most guys who witness childbirth firsthand will be traumatized to some extent. I did, for sure. I mean you see it all, the fluids, the afterbirth, the child's head popping out followed by the rest, including the cord and the placenta. How can you NOT get those images the next time you're down there trying to give her pleasure or even when you're about to insert yourself? In my case I even saw the episiotomy- when they cut and then stitch the bottom of the vj back together again to avoid tearing during delivery. As I write this I can still picture it as if it was yesterday. She had fibroids, so they pulled out the uterus (I think it was the uterus otherwise it was just one huge fibroid), and inverted it on her belly and zapped parts of it with some sort of electric device. It looked like some sort of alien creature just laying there attached with part of it going right back inside her vj. I can still smell the burning from the electric zaps they were giving it.

Fathers really should be warned with some sort of disclaimer prior to being present in the delivery room. "You'll never look at her vj the same way again and witnessing childbirth first hand can be detrimental to your sex life".
 
#22 ·
I'd think most guys who witness childbirth firsthand will be traumatized to some extent. I did, for sure. I mean you see it all, the fluids, the afterbirth, the placenta, the child's head popping out. How can you NOT get those images the next time you're down there trying to give her pleasure or even when you're about to insert yourself? In my case I even saw the episiotomy- when they cut and then stitch the bottom of the vj back together again to avoid tearing during delivery. As I write this I can still picture it as if it was yesterday. She had fibroids, so they pulled out the uterus and inverted it on her belly and zapped it with some sort of electric device to shrink the fibroids. It looked like some foreign alien object just laying there attached with part of it going right back inside her vj. I can still smell the burning from the electric zaps they were giving it.

Fathers really should be warned with some sort of disclaimer prior to being present in the delivery room. "You'll never look at her vj the same way again and witnessing childbirth first hand can be detrimental to your sex life".


He said the same exact thing to our counselor yesterday. He had no idea what childbirth was like. He said no video, presentation, nothing could have prepared him for that. We were also younger at the time... our first was a "surprise" so I think that adds to the shock of birth in a way.

He admitted that he knows he freaked over it, but eventually got over it. When he "got over it" he said that he should have done a better job in building back up my self esteem.

He said he wants to feel desired sexually, and when I was so insecure, it was a turn off. You see, I was so hurt, and felt so unattractive, that I NEVER tried to have sex either. I just waited for him.

He now admits that he feels it is his fault that I was so insecure. He stated that maybe if he would have initiated more, and made sure that I did in-fact feel sexy, sexy enough to initiate myself, that maybe it would not have spiriled out of control.

I hate that I felt so insecure. I lost all of my baby weight. I am 5 foot 6. 115 pounds when not pregnant. In really good shape. I dress nice.

See - there are many background issues that also need to be sorted out. Parts of me think that now that we have the ability to admit what is going on, and really look at all of the issues together - that maybe we CAN have a better relationship and more shared intimacy.
 
#21 ·
Does anyone have any advice for moving forward?
If I do leave, I will wait about a month to make that decision. I want to get through the holidays and the birth.
I would like this to work out, if possible. I just don't know how it will work. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
This is one of the few instances in which rug sweeping for a month is probably the best option. At least you got a confession in the meantime. I commend you on your maturity for still choosing to have your husband with you in the delivery room during this difficult time.
 
#23 ·
You CAN RECOVER FROM THIS. Just try to respect yourself MORE than the care consideration and respect you show him. I bent over backwards coddling (Its okay, its okay, blah blah) Hurt me so much more than I every imagined. Keep your self respect. When discovering infidelity, and being in shock, (for MONTHS) I lost myself. Most BS lose themselves and forgiving the WS is only part of the equation. We as the BS also find ourselves hating how pathetic, needy and vulnerable we were. And finding forgiveness for our own actions that we are critical of is even harder than forgiving the WS person.

I just don't want you to beat yourself up later. Its him who should be emotionally beat up. not you. Your fragile, pad your heart, make a buffer to this. Let him work on himself, and you focus on your new baby that is coming. Block WS out of your mind. This time is about you and that Baby. NO ONE ELSE.
 
#28 ·
You CAN RECOVER FROM THIS. Just try to respect yourself MORE than the care consideration and respect you show him. I bent over backwards coddling (Its okay, its okay, blah blah) Hurt me so much more than I every imagined. Keep your self respect.
I second this, so many BS overlook the impact the lack of self respect will have on them later, I went thru the same thing and it sucks...I lost respect on myself for lacking respect for myself during that dday time, I wish I would have been a lot tougher, but oh well, lesson learnt
 
#30 ·
We women go through so much ****. Carrying babies around for over 9 months inside of us and all the hormonal changes, weight gain, etc, giving painful births and then Husbands expecting us to be all visually sexy so they can have their wicked way. Something really lopsided in this scenario, men don't bloody well know how much we go through and put up with. That is why when we hit late 40's and 50's the light goes on and some realise enough of this, now he expects me to pander to him and be his mother too. If I ever meet God, I am going to ask him, why we got the short straw. Rant over.
 
#33 ·
"Husbands expecting us to be all visually sexy so they can have their wicked way. Something really lopsided in this scenario"

Wicked ways? Why should it be wicked for a couple to make love? Or its just him?

My wife was bummed she had to wait 6 weeks. I think she demanded sex at 3 weeks and we did it softly.

About men seeing birth. For many guys, that's rough. I chose not to watch, didn't want to take that chance. I kinda wish I was there, but still content with that decision.

To the OP: he is only in regret... He got busted. If he came to you first, admitted what he did -that would be different.

It does seem he trying at least. And a better MC seems needed. Your call.
I recommend two books.

1- how to help your spouse heal after an affair. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

2- not just friends.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743...g_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=AD2C1HDWJC12RN7CAMBC

Whatever reason he did this, there is no excuse. Continue therapy.
The timing sucks. Do your best. There are people here to help.
 
#35 ·
W had c sections so I got to watch the alien scene where they pulled the kids out of her. The nurse took me around the hanging sheets that shield the view so I could see the babies. There was blood everywhere and the doctor yelled at the nurse because there was an adjoining room that I was supposed to go through to avoid the mess. But TBH it didn't affect me at all - I expected as much, knew my W was ok (I had been holding her hand through it) and was focused on the kids.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#36 ·
W had c sections so I got to watch the alien scene where they pulled the kids out of her. The nurse took me around the hanging sheets that shield the view so I could see the babies.
Yeah my second child was a C section too. I was standing by her head. Even though I recall some hanging sheets either they didn't block the view or I looked around them. I clearly saw the doctor reach his arm inside of her and pull out a leg. Seemed rather unreal at the time.
 
#37 ·
I don't suspect he told her to play along. Main reason is because i do not think he thought he was going to be caught. After he got caught, there is no way they had any interaction together. He did not return to work for a few days after this happened (scheduled days off anyway) and I can see the text and call history online.

I don't know... this is one of the worst situations I have ever been in. Very depressing. The first 2-3 days, I was extremely hurt and sad. Today I am angry.

Knowing how my husband can be sexually, it really wouldn't surprise me if he literally went over there just to get oral. I know a lot can happen in 10 minutes, but I really think he saw her as a piece of &ss while his wife was pregnant. Not that it makes any difference. I am just trying to make sense of all of this in my head - because it's the only way I am going to move forward. I don't think he has any strong feelings or wants a relationship. The only thing I think he may be lying about is how many times it happened. And even that I am not sure.

I am not sure of ANYTHING right now AHHHH
 
#45 ·
Adegirl,

Sorry this has happened to you, it is gut wrenching. Dont make any hasty decisions right now but think of your long term future.
Many will probably agree with me but it's not as if your man was a young student, he is 30 years old and should have common sense and a sense of boundaries. If you accept him back you are setting yourself up for years of heartache when you get older, put on weight, have many more commitments, etc. He has shown you what and who he is, he is not to be trusted, he cares only for himself.
The reality is 'one cannot make a silk purse from a sow's ear', you cannot change him, time cannot change him, he is fundamentally flawed and is far from a decent human being to do that to the mother of his kids. It tells you all you need to know. Get out now, he can still be the father of your children, but your deserve someone who loves you, cherishes and honours you. He has not and will not do this. Run as fast as your legs can take you.
 
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