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post #151 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 12:51 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

If you're finding it hard to get your courage, then you need to think of your 3 kids. Your wife is trying to blow up the family. They need you to fight. Once she has sex with this guy, the little feelings she has for you will be out the door. Don't let it go any further. Once she's sullied, you'll rightly dump her but for now she hasn't been defiled.

Go look at post from WW in the OW section of Loveshack. Hundreds of women pining away ALL DAY, giving all of the emotional energy to their OM. Nothing left in the tank for their kids and especially the BH.

Anger is better than despair. It's time for some righteous anger. You need to fearlessly fight for your family.

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post #152 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 12:57 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

If your co-workers are seeing you showing signs of distress, your wife will definitely pick up on that. Which would explain the text to Mr Douche cop about you being the love of her life and no further communication.

She may have been warning him. You need to look for a burner phone. The reason they may have stopped communicating was because she reached out to him on another phone.
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post #153 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 01:07 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Take her phone whether she wants you to or not, run Dr.Fone on it and retrieve the deleted messages. That gets you away from revealing your work source.
Get a digital voice recorder and keep it on you to avoid abuse charges. Also get one for the house while you are away.
Contacting his wife is absolutely a must.
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post #154 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 08:10 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Take her phone whether she wants you to or not, run Dr.Fone on it and retrieve the deleted messages. That gets you away from revealing your work source.
Get a digital voice recorder and keep it on you to avoid abuse charges. Also get one for the house while you are away.
Contacting his wife is absolutely a must.
This might be OK but you already know what they are planning. If you do this DO NOT ask her for the phone and get into a wrestling match with her or she might call the cops. If you are on the phone plan and pay for the phone I do not think she can charge you with stealing her property. Of course, had you seen an attorney like you were told from the start you would know that already.

You wife is planning to go **** another man. You still have to decide on if you are going to let it happen and eat more **** sandwich or not and act.

One more thing. When and if (I hope) you confront her, you do not run right to MC until you know you have the entire truth. Waste of time to do therapy with someone in an active affair, and your wife is. And if your marriage can be saved you will see how quickly her fantasy dissipates once she has divorce papers (consequences) in her hand versus you pleading with her to let you try to make her happy. You can read on these forums for a thousand hours and those of us that go "nuclear" as they call it have a much better track record of knocking this so called "fog" out of them than those that play the pick me game
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post #155 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 09:04 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
Nothing relating to infidelity ever that am aware of and yes his W would definitely be pissed if she saw them, there are pictures included, very erotic I guess, but nothing revealed....
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
OK, you are right, I should have posted the initial messages first....here they are (my W messages are in BOLD)


So, finally booked the trip, we are coming up for year end

oh, very cool!!!

Thats it? just cool??

Trying to keep texting safe (smiley)


another conversation

Finally get to see my gorgeous friend
a lot more

well still well over a couple weeks away


another conversation

You dont need to do a thing, really you look totally amazing, 10 out of 10

Well, thank you kindly but after 3 kids I still think I have plenty to work on!





another conversation

you are missing bikinis and the beach! we know where your mind is

Yes, I got a weakness for beautiful women like you, where else would my mind be?

hmmm, IDK, you tell me

Well, I am thinking about those pictures you sent, how incredible you look, and how I would love to see you, just being honest.

I figured as much, ha!

I have some older ones on my FB

Oh trust me I have checked them out!!! I FB stalked you many times already

lmao, am sure you did!

its a cop thing

might have to have my handcuffs ready for this trip, I usually only travel with my gun

haha, oh my, did you see anything that peek your interest?

Just enough to want to see more, but thats exactly how it should be, dont be naked, always leave something for the imagination!

I better be careful, is it safe to text with you? wouldnt want to get you in trouble

by bikinis do you mean something like this? (faceless bikini photo sent)

wow, really wow, omg!!! am speechless




Why would you want to save your marriage to this person? I don't know why anyone here would recommend it.





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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago, she is a couple years younger than W and was very very hot then. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex, kissed and groped but that was it, and only once. Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.


Nice how you waited to share this story. If your wife ever found out about this; she's probably hated you ever since.
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post #156 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 10:02 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I was a WW 25 years ago.
Started as a coworker friendship then an EA and eventually a PA. What would have shut it down in the EA stage? If my H had gone nuclear on me. If he had confronted about communication and dinners and phonecalls etc. If he had said VERY CLEARLY I dont care what you do but I'm not sticking around for this s#it. You are behaving like an immature lovesick teenager and I am not interested in being married to someone so selfish and disgusting. You have been cruel and unfeeling to me as your husband disrespected our marriage and family. I am drawing up separation papers you can have your little fling hope it was worth it. I'll let om's wife know as well.

The shock and shame of that scenario I think would have knocked me out of my fog. It would have created such a panic in me at the thought of losing my family and my husband. The disappointment in his eyes would have blown things up.

He would have to have been very strong and decisive. If I thought there was an opportunity to rugsweep and cake eat the fog would have had a chance to creep back in.

I always loved my husband. I never wanted a divorce. I never wanted OM. I wanted what both gave me. I actually needed things from H that he wasnt giving me no matter how hard I tried to ask him for it. It was attention, presence, companionship- and by the way our sex life (H and I) was awesome. OM was nothing compared to him
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post #157 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 10:10 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
One more thing. When and if (I hope) you confront her, you do not run right to MC until you know you have the entire truth. Waste of time to do therapy with someone in an active affair, and your wife is.
Probably correct, but ... if the therapist has integrity they will not continue therapy if they know the affair is ongoing. It is common to do individual sessions as well as joint sessions of MC. If the therapist bails out it is likely they found out the affair is still ongoing. They will first try to get the cheater to confess, but if they won't then the therapist with integrity will fire the clients. This is a sure sign to the betrayed that an affair (maybe not the one known to the BS!) is ongoing or there is some other major deception (child isn't the husband's, financial infidelity, etc).

Not all therapists have this kind of integrity, or they have the philosophy that they are helping the BS in small increments even if the truth has not been fully revealed.
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post #158 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 10:23 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago, she is a couple years younger than W and was very very hot then. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex, kissed and groped but that was it, and only once. Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.
Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.

Your wife cheating today is not your fault. Whether or not she ever suspected or knew of this little thing happening, her cheating now is her choice. Let's imagine she knew about your kissy thing with her sister. That would give your wife the right to either not marry you, divorce you, demand you make amends, or just let it go. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as Karma. Your actions back then did not create some kind of cosmic payback.

You did a shtty thing back then, though you showed enough integrity to stop before it was sex. But the statute of limitations has run out after all these years. You feel terrible and you know it was wrong. It was before you were married. Suffering through your wife now cheating on you is not going to fix anything for you!!!

Absent any issues with your wife cheating, we all here would recommend that years ago you should have come clean to your wife about it. Not now. Your wife will use this against you. She will beat you over the head with it, and she'll play on your guilt. She'll see it as justification for her affair, and she won't feel any guilt.

Telling her about your fumbling around with her sister before you were married will 100% destroy any chance of saving your marriage.

Don't do it. Just don't do it. You want to lead by example, being kind and honest with her so that she'll be kind and honest with you. It never works out when you do that. Never.
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post #159 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 10:29 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

One last thing to think about. Going 007 is fine to find out what you're dealing with. You already know what you're dealing with. The value of placing a VAR to catch her voice calls with OM is probably zero, and anything you hear will only hurt you more. Collecting evidence from here on out only serves 2 legitimate purposes. One is to verify she has cut off all contact with him after you confront her. The other is to use in the divorce if it can make a difference where you live.

I would carefully search the house for a burner phone. Also her car. Check every little cubby in the car, including under the seats, where the spare tire is, etc. Check inside all her shoes in the closet, pockets of clothing hanging in her closet, inside unused purses. The burner phone will be somewhere she can easily access it but where you would likely never accidentally stumble on it. Be sure to leave everything exactly where you found it.

I think you are at risk of getting overly anxious if you start spying on her. You already know she is in an affair and intends to have sex with the OM. You don't need any more data to confront her, to demand she go NC, or to initiate divorce.
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post #160 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 10:37 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I'm going to echo @Thor on not discussing what happened before you were married. Your wife will try to use that as some justification for her adultery.

You kissing her sister when you were just dating vs your wife plotting to have sex after 14 years of marriage and 3 kids is no way in the same league. Don't be like so many BHs that come here and try to elevate something that they did to justify your inaction for your WW's actions.

You need to shut this down already. Everyday that passes makes that more problematic.

Also going to repeat myself for a 3rd time. Look for a burner phone. That text about you being the love of her life was a signal to douche to lay low.

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post #161 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 11:59 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Career woman here and 37 years married (first time marriage for the both of us). Your wife is taking a bold move to travel at New Year's to plan to meet up with this man (mutual friend of yours), bringing your daughter along. She does not respect nor fear any outcomes of her actions. Carry through seeing your attorney to protect your rights.

You need to decide whether you wish to save this marriage or not. If you wish to save this marriage, go with your wife on this trip. Expose this planned meetup with your friend's wife without notice to your wife. See if you can get the Other Man's Wife to give you more information and evidence.

Really sorry you are here. I am without sympathy for cheaters.
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post #162 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 12:16 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.

Your wife cheating today is not your fault. Whether or not she ever suspected or knew of this little thing happening, her cheating now is her choice. Let's imagine she knew about your kissy thing with her sister. That would give your wife the right to either not marry you, divorce you, demand you make amends, or just let it go. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as Karma. Your actions back then did not create some kind of cosmic payback.

You did a shtty thing back then, though you showed enough integrity to stop before it was sex. But the statute of limitations has run out after all these years. You feel terrible and you know it was wrong. It was before you were married. Suffering through your wife now cheating on you is not going to fix anything for you!!!

Absent any issues with your wife cheating, we all here would recommend that years ago you should have come clean to your wife about it. Not now. Your wife will use this against you. She will beat you over the head with it, and she'll play on your guilt. She'll see it as justification for her affair, and she won't feel any guilt.

Telling her about your fumbling around with her sister before you were married will 100% destroy any chance of saving your marriage.

Don't do it. Just don't do it. You want to lead by example, being kind and honest with her so that she'll be kind and honest with you. It never works out when you do that. Never.
The majority of advice I got was to absolutely come clean about my 25 year old affair (no PIV or oral) as a way of showing H that I was willing to be vulnerable and honest hoping that he would then be able to come clean about his.

Pros- I felt much better after my admission. I felt it allowed me to form a new relationship based on honesty.

Cons- He did not open up about any ongoing affair ( i have not proven that there was anything more than the beginnings of an EA)
-He did use it against me whenever I tried to discuss what I felt was an innappropriate relationship and his lying. He would shut down any conversation we were having by saying he wouldnt speak of it because I WAS guilty of doing things and he was completely innocent.
He eventually after a poly admitted to being with 4 woman 4 different times dancing and kissing when he was out of town years ago. He definately did use my disclosure against me as a way of avoiding any feelings of guilt and then justifying anything he had done.

Would I tell him if I was going to do it over? Yes - although it didnt help the issue at hand -it made me feel better to have finally been honest with him. We are trying to recover from this. Time will tell.

I had gone to 2 counselors before this and both had told me not to tell him. If I did it would just hurt him and would further harm the marriage.

Last edited by nursejackie; 12-17-2016 at 09:39 PM.
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post #163 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.

Your wife cheating today is not your fault. Whether or not she ever suspected or knew of this little thing happening, her cheating now is her choice. Let's imagine she knew about your kissy thing with her sister. That would give your wife the right to either not marry you, divorce you, demand you make amends, or just let it go. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as Karma. Your actions back then did not create some kind of cosmic payback.

You did a shtty thing back then, though you showed enough integrity to stop before it was sex. But the statute of limitations has run out after all these years. You feel terrible and you know it was wrong. It was before you were married. Suffering through your wife now cheating on you is not going to fix anything for you!!!

Absent any issues with your wife cheating, we all here would recommend that years ago you should have come clean to your wife about it. Not now. Your wife will use this against you. She will beat you over the head with it, and she'll play on your guilt. She'll see it as justification for her affair, and she won't feel any guilt.

Telling her about your fumbling around with her sister before you were married will 100% destroy any chance of saving your marriage.

Don't do it. Just don't do it. You want to lead by example, being kind and honest with her so that she'll be kind and honest with you. It never works out when you do that. Never.
Just clicking like didn't really say it. Absolutely correct....., listen to this
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post #164 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 12:39 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

As said. Burner phone.
No doubt a signal that she knows you're looking. If the trip is on, the affair is ongoing.

You really should be divorcing this woman. Really.
She is neither faithful, nor has respect for you.

You want to keep her, keep your life, not rob yourself if your live for her.
From experience, I can very plainly and confidently tell you that your love for your wife is YOUR own worst enemy. It is going to bring you nothing but pain now.

File for divorce, let her know you know what the trip is about, and at least ACT like you don't care if she's still alive.

That is your only chance. Anything you are told that sounds logical or reasonable about being living or caring, but firm. Dismiss that crap. Go nuclear or prepare for a repeat performance, even if she chooses to stay married to you. Good chance she'll cheat again anyway--- because she wants to.
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post #165 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 01:01 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Did you ever cheat?

Cough.

Why am I not surprised.

Her freaking sister? The ultimate in betrayal.

Your excuse was that sis was HOT and kept up the pressure?

Maybe cop is keeping up the pressure.

This is a game changer whether you accept it or not.
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