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post #271 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 01:27 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
However I don't think that's how his "wonder attack" was characterized. I believe he said on the NEXT text it would turn into a group message for 5 posts only.

That is an application program functioning at the operating system level using operating system exit routines (sorry to use very antiquated terminology but we don't know the operating platform and the concepts are still the same).

I realize you guys are searching for explanations that could be plausible, but I simply think he created a fantasy situation and has no idea about the underlying technology so what he described comes off as a typical Hollywood script (rogue cell phones making helicopters crash into grain silos if I recall Sandra Bullock's movie correctly)


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Well, it would necessarily have to take effect on the next text. I don't know of a way to do it for a set number of messages then revert, the way I could have done it would have been for all messages sent until changed back, but I don't rule out the possibility of doing things simply because I don't know how to do them myself.


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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #272 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:15 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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..... and well, we had sex.....am an idiot. I dont know what else to say, I told her after that sex didnt change anything and I was still mad as hell, I was exhausted and crashed to sleep.
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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
No ugly comments necessary, and no one is calling you an idiot. B ut she just gaslighted you with sex and yes you fell for it but that is not the problem unless you are in a state where having sex with her nullifies adultery in a divorce.
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Good luck brother, and enjoy the hysterical bonding sex, as you did nothing wrong.


It's hard to stay angry at someone whom you keep having orgasms with.

Well played OP's wife, well played.


Still can't get the make-out session with the sister out of my mind. ugh.
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post #273 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:52 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Nucking Futs View Post
I used to work for a major carrier. Entry level csr's had the access to do this. It would be very rare for one to be able to figure out how, but the access was there. It wouldn't be an operating system update, just a settings update not much different from pushing in a new voice mail access number. And a programmer with access to the raw databases could pretty much do anything he wanted.
Thank you for that information. Having people with access permissions for functions that would rarely be able to figure out how to do sounds like a recipe for disaster. :-)
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post #274 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 03:58 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Thank you for that information. Having people with access permissions for functions that would rarely be able to figure out how to do sounds like a recipe for disaster. :-)
The problem was actually the opposite. The hard part was getting them to go into it at all.

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #275 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Well, it appears another BH has been run off by another round of attacking the victim. Sorry, but I don't put these two situations in the same category ... I ... just ... don't. One was a spur of the moment thwarted seduction attempt from a semi-naked jealous sister, while young (immature), not yet M'd, and the other was an ongoing premeditated betrayal by a W of 15 years. Very few things in life are black and white, while most occur in varying shades of gray. Therefore, I don't recognize, nor accept any hypocrisy for my position.



Personally, I'd like to see ME come back and get the support he needs to out the OM and blow up his world and to get the clarity of the whole truth from his WW.



Come on back ME (if you're still reading) ... toughen your skin and as they say "take what you can use and ignore the rest". We all come to this place with our own dysfunctional baggage, so its not surprising that different people focus on different aspects of any story. I found when I was first going through this nightmare, that I connected with a few posters and looked to them to keep me straight ... the others, I just skimmed over and never responded to their misconceptions, and I'd suggest you do the same.


It doesn't really matter what you think. It only matters to OP and W. We already know how OP feels about the sister incident. We were pointing out that the risk he takes on exposure is that his wife may feel otherwise.

IMO, and I am a guy, if the wife had done this - made out with OP's brother right before the wedding, we all would be yelling for him to dump her.

That was supposed to be the time of maximum love and lust. One can also say after 15 years the loved waned and that the wife's behavior is normal or at least not surprising.
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post #276 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 05:18 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Your posts usually suggest reflection, compassion, and forgiveness.

Your's is a voice in the wilderness. One, drowned out by those that seek vengeance on the fallen.

On TAM....go with the flow, or go unnoticed...........few likes for the tame, the meek or the kind-hearted.
Thanks, but I don't deserve such cheers. I can be pretty hard on people too.

This thread illustrates a point I always try to make. We see only one side of the story. For some, that is enough---spouse intended to cheat, spouse is dead meat. Then it turns out that the cheatee has been a cheater and vice versa. Opinions change.

Where would we be if the OP had not admitted to a seemingly (to him) minor offence way back at the start of the OP's marriage?
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post #277 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 05:44 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

An isolated incident initiated by a hot sister BEFORE vows spoken, where OP nixed the sex and cut off things.
Weakness the that kind of nude sexual pressure would be hard for any man not to show interest in. Any man that says it wouldn't phase him is a liar.

He stopped, he didn't go back for more. That shows loyalty to me.

I would not tell his wife. Her crap was premeditated and after vows were spoken--- totally different.
I think wonky ninja is wrong in comparing the two situations.

One is after marriage, premeditated, Pursued by wife, no conscience---- CAUGHT.
The op, IF his story is real and accurate, stopped the contact, didn't go further, and never let the sis tempt him again.
How can the two be compared?

I agree that if the wife or the groom fooled around with a sibling, I'd say don't marry the cheater. But if op's story is accurate, he was seduced and resisted. I see that differently.
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post #278 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:38 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
An isolated incident initiated by a hot sister BEFORE vows spoken, where OP nixed the sex and cut off things.

Weakness the that kind of nude sexual pressure would be hard for any man not to show interest in. Any man that says it wouldn't phase him is a liar.



He stopped, he didn't go back for more. That shows loyalty to me.



I would not tell his wife. Her crap was premeditated and after vows were spoken--- totally different.

I think wonky ninja is wrong in comparing the two situations.



One is after marriage, premeditated, Pursued by wife, no conscience---- CAUGHT.

The op, IF his story is real and accurate, stopped the contact, didn't go further, and never let the sis tempt him again.

How can the two be compared?



I agree that if the wife or the groom fooled around with a sibling, I'd say don't marry the cheater. But if op's story is accurate, he was seduced and resisted. I see that differently.


Well he didn't resist. He just didn't have sex with her.

IMO he is at higher risk. If a strong sexy woman presses him for sex at a bar or a business trip, will he cave?

I won't detail this thread by telling all my stories, but being on the other side, that $hit with the sister really matters and his attitude towards it really matters. If I was him I'd be concerned that information would be exposed.

One thing OP never told, that most do, is WHY he was monitoring his wife's messages.
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post #279 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 07:25 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by WonkyNinja View Post
So he is forgiven for messing around with her sister and given a green light to expose her and the OM while keeping the minor irrelevance of hooking up with her sister to himself and taking the high ground. Unbelievable.
Well you only read a portion of my statement.

He should have confessed this years ago. But now it will be extremely counterproductive to reveal it. His wife would use it to excuse her behavior and to beat him over the head. If the goal is to have a healthy reconciliation, revealing his actions from many years ago (before they were even married and which did not involve sex), he cannot reveal this.

It is his wife's current affair which has made it unwise for him to reveal it. Absent her affair, yes he should have revealed it.
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post #280 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

OP is apparently remorseful about this thing. He stopped it. Never went to sis again. If I were him, I'd never reveal it. Sis would just say he pressured HER. Wife would believe that most likely.
I believe if he told the whole truth about it, he did what was smart after the episode.

As to the caving question.... A married man keeps himself out of potential sexual pressure from other women. This was his fiancee's sis. Is she not culpable more so?

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post #281 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 09:20 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Well you only read a portion of my statement.



He should have confessed this years ago. But now it will be extremely counterproductive to reveal it. His wife would use it to excuse her behavior and to beat him over the head. If the goal is to have a healthy reconciliation, revealing his actions from many years ago (before they were even married and which did not involve sex), he cannot reveal this.



It is his wife's current affair which has made it unwise for him to reveal it. Absent her affair, yes he should have revealed it.


How about the goal of having an HONEST reconciliation? She is going to be punished for her mistake while he hides his?

Sounds like what J was doing to LosingHim.

I think he was wise to rug sweep both, have good sex and move on.
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post #282 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 10:18 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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How about the goal of having an HONEST reconciliation? She is going to be punished for her mistake while he hides his?

Sounds like what J was doing to LosingHim.

I think he was wise to rug sweep both, have good sex and move on.
On a scale of 1 to 10, what OP did was about a 2, what his wife was/is doing is about a 7. In reality if he admits what he did it will make reconciliation impossible. R will be less than perfect because he will be hiding something from her, but the flip side is if he reveals it she will use it as the excuse to not be remorseful and to play on his guilt rather than address her own issues.

It would be better to leave the Level 2 infraction unaddressed while addressing her Level 7 infraction rather than make it impossible to address the Level 7 because of the Level 2.

His revelation to us of the groping event was bound to be a very hot button on this forum. People are welcome to their opinion on it, I have no interest in trying to change anyone else's mind.

OP's selective and sparse engagement with us on this thread leaves me with many questions and some doubts about what we're dealing with. My responses are more on a philosophical basis in this thread to provide fodder for thought for anyone who finds himself in a similar situation.
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post #283 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 10:43 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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On a scale of 1 to 10, what OP did was about a 2, what his wife was/is doing is about a 7. In reality if he admits what he did it will make reconciliation impossible. R will be less than perfect because he will be hiding something from her, but the flip side is if he reveals it she will use it as the excuse to not be remorseful and to play on his guilt rather than address her own issues.

It would be better to leave the Level 2 infraction unaddressed while addressing her Level 7 infraction rather than make it impossible to address the Level 7 because of the Level 2.

His revelation to us of the groping event was bound to be a very hot button on this forum. People are welcome to their opinion on it, I have no interest in trying to change anyone else's mind.

OP's selective and sparse engagement with us on this thread leaves me with many questions and some doubts about what we're dealing with. My responses are more on a philosophical basis in this thread to provide fodder for thought for anyone who finds himself in a similar situation.

In terms of ranking the severity of the indiscretions of the OP and his wife, I think what he did says alot about his character. I mean it is one thing to engage in sexual contact with an OW but your future sister in law and the day before your wedding, says he has no respect for his wife or her feelings. He is a cad. I know you dismiss it as him being young, etc. which is a load of BS, there is no excuse at all for this.

I suspect his wife has found out and if he has acted in the marriage as a cad (some men never change) I am not surprised the wife (wrong as it is) is engaging in the same kind of stuff herself.
sometimes the seeds we sow grow Venus fly traps and they come back to bite us in the ass big time.......just saying.
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post #284 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:27 PM
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new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
On a scale of 1 to 10, what OP did was about a 2, what his wife was/is doing is about a 7. In reality if he admits what he did it will make reconciliation impossible. R will be less than perfect because he will be hiding something from her, but the flip side is if he reveals it she will use it as the excuse to not be remorseful and to play on his guilt rather than address her own issues.



It would be better to leave the Level 2 infraction unaddressed while addressing her Level 7 infraction rather than make it impossible to address the Level 7 because of the Level 2.



His revelation to us of the groping event was bound to be a very hot button on this forum. People are welcome to their opinion on it, I have no interest in trying to change anyone else's mind.



OP's selective and sparse engagement with us on this thread leaves me with many questions and some doubts about what we're dealing with. My responses are more on a philosophical basis in this thread to provide fodder for thought for anyone who finds himself in a similar situation.


I concur with you on the last paragraph so I will depart after this philosophical comment below.

But you are way off on the severity on the sister event. Ask a woman to rank it.

My wife has a sister. I won't say any more.

Peace out.
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post #285 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:46 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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I concur with you on the last paragraph so I will depart after this philosophical comment below.

But you are way off on the severity on the sister event. Ask a woman to rank it.

My wife has a sister. I won't say any more.

Peace out.


I'll rank it blue!

It's HIGH in my mind .... why? Because I would be starting my marriage without all the information I needed to make an informed decision. My sister???? I don't think so!!

And by the way, it would affect my relationship with my sister also!

A man makes a choice for one woman ... to give his loyalty to, that choice was made. Even a passionate/sexual kiss and ESPECIALLY groping of the breasts of my SISTER, is NOT what you do AFTER your choice was made.

All my OWN opinion of course.


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