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post #16 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 09:46 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Read up on what The 180 is.

Also read No More Mister Nice Guy.

It is up to you it you want to try and save the marriage. Do not let her go with out confronting her. Do it this weekend.

Know the facts by heart.

Do not let her side tract you.

Say what you have to say with out letting her interrupt you.

Lay it straight to her that if she goes on this trip, you view it as her turning her back on the marriage.

Up to you, but if she still goes on the trip. I would not let her take the kids. File a injunction to keep her from leaving the state with them. You do not want them around the POSOM.

Tell her if she wants the OM then she need to fill for divorce and leave the home.

Do not leave your home. Be there for your kids.

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post #17 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I cant help keep coming back to reply, I dont know if I want to save anything or not, am so torn and confused I cant think straight. Nothing relating to infidelity ever that am aware of and yes his W would definitely be pissed if she saw them, there are pictures included, very erotic I guess, but nothing revealed.....I dont have time today but will post more message details tomorrow...I just cant believe this is happening....what did I do???
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post #18 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 09:56 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

You may have contributed to the marriage not being healthy, but you did not cause her to cheat.

Here is what you do.

You expose. Send a simple email/message to her parents, your parents, the OM, his wife, very close friends (think maybe 3-5 total friends), and anyone else that may be enabling the affair.

"Friends and family, I am writing you this letter to inform you that my wife has been having an emotional affair with X since X date, to include the exchanging of sexually explicit photos. The upcoming trip she has scheduled was going to be used to consummate the affair. I am telling you because I would like to save our marriage for not only our sake, but for the sake of our children. However, I will not remain married to a woman who continues to cheat. I am asking for your support and prayers in this difficult time."

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #19 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:06 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Inform the POSOM's wife asap - with no warning to anyone! This will get the ball rolling even if you don't know what you want to do next.

The fact is that (as you said) if its not this guy it would be someone else as she has already shown intent (with a very unattractive guy too). So something is clearly wrong with her!

It might be that she is bored and has fantasised about this - or it might be that she has no real morals regarding monogamy and this is the real her coming out (basically a bad person). Whatever the reason, you have no chance of even discussing this properly while she is still in what I will call this "lust fog".

Taking your daughter with her to disguise her need for fvcking this guy is despicable! I would find this even worse than her infidelity - it is absolute disregard for her child!

As I said, inform the other spouse and watch for what happens next with out revealing anything to her. And never reveal your sources.

This should become interesting shortly. Oh and by the way forbid her from taking your daughter anywhere!

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #20 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:10 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.
Sir...

...we should talk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.
Believe me, I get what you're saying.

In the end, though, it all comes down to whether or not -- right now -- you a) want to save your marriage, home, and family AND b) have it in you to fight for your marriage, home, and family.

Because after the trip?

The whole ball of wax will be all the more unsalvageable by that point.

ACT!

Or don't.

Know this, though -- not acting now will lead to a much rougher road later on.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 12-15-2016 at 01:56 AM.
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post #21 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:11 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Being paralyzed and doing nothing at this time is the worst mistake you can make.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Do not set idly by and watch this happen. You'll live to regret it.
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post #22 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:12 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

An affair is a premeditated act. They don't just happen. It's a decision. You didn't cause her to cheat. Get over that.

Contact his wife immediately

Last edited by Marc878; 12-14-2016 at 10:39 PM.
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post #23 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:16 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Gtfo. You don't want this burden of not knowing on your back for the rest of your life. It's not worth it when the end result will likely be that you will get divorced anyway. Assuming you were a faithful and loyal husband, you don't deserve this.

If you already know enough that this is a PA, and she is going to meet him, do you really want to be second fiddle? You want her to come home cause she realized he wasn't what she wanted and settle on you. **** that! You take control now. Tell her you can't trust her anymore and get a lawyer. I dont care if you expose if you are leaving. Sometimes it's better not to expose if you have kids and want to maintain a semblance of a good relationship. But that is only if you are walking out the door.
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post #24 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:40 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Read what Gus has said. Read it again, and let it sink in. Hell, read it a 3rd and 4th time. After that, read farside's post, #18, and let that one sink in.

This is not the time to second guess. Figure out if you want to save your marriage, or not, and act accordingly.

So sorry you're here.
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post #25 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:41 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.

So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.
You don't need any more info. For gods sake use what you have.

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post #26 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 10:48 PM
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Cool Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

The choice is yours! But the ultimate decision will be hers!

Having said that, if you want to attempt to thwart this impending PA, then you should personally confront and roll out all of the evidence that you have duly accumulated against her!

Two likely scenarios ~ she will either beg your forgiveness, or she absolutely won't give a rat's a$$ and will go full speed ahead with the impending affair!

Right now, you should be fastly employing "the 180!" That and doing an exploratory with an accomplished family attorney to study both your marital property and child custody rights!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #27 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 11:33 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Most of the posters here are correct. If you want a sliver of a chance to fix this marriage, lower the boom on her.

Here's the thing.

If he halts this secret meeting, this tryst, she will have clean hands and a clean smelling [women fold].

She can [honestly!] tell others that she had absolutely no intention of bedding this POSOM.

Who can call her a liar?...She can claim there was not another man [inside her...job] lying on and with her.... it did not happen. AT MOST it was sexting. And the sexting is provable ONLY if OP reveals his source of information.

POSOM is a cop. OP is violating company rules by hacking his wife's communication. If this hack gets out he will get fired and may be prosecuted. Or threatened with prosecution by Bluebeard the Cop.

She did not go...therefore it did not happen. She can still hold her head up.

But if OP conducts a sting operation.....lets her get penetrated by the blue perp, then her fold is soiled, her lie is weak, and her resolve will be shamed silent. There will no coming back from this act.

There will be justifiable closure....probable cause bolstered by hard-on evidence.

NOTE: "All this is predicated on getting solid proof of the tryst. That you must do."

I say, let the WW seal her fate by her pulling rank on the POSOM's Staff Sargeant, allowing the white lightning to fill her snifter.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #28 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 11:59 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

How has your passivity worked out for you so far? Personally I would just serve her and leave it at that.
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post #29 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:23 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

So sorry you are going through this. You have gotten some really solid advice that you can think about which choice fits your situation best. I do agree that you quickly need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not. Easier said than done, huh?

I just had a couple questions.

How is your marriage otherwise?
How has your sex life been?
In reflecting back, has there been anything she has been telling you she is unhappy about with you and/or your marriage?
Do you have any access to her social media or similar other things that she could be using to communicate?

I hope whatever your decision ends up being that things work out for the best of all involved.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #30 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 06:52 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Let the other mans wife know. Do not give her anything that could get you fired. Then tell your wife if she goes you will file for divorce. Ask her where she wants her stuff delivered.
Tell her you can work on the marriage if she takes a polygraph. Otherwise, tell her everyone will know exactly who she is and you will be dropping her like a hot rock.
Cold hard strength is what you need now. Weakness and indecisiveness is a love killer and one wa street to defeat.
Good luck.
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