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post #31 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:23 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Actually the direct approach may serve you better.
Tell her you need to talk. Ask her how the marriage is going. Then ask her if she wants to stay married and work things out.

Then tell her if she goes on the trip, if she sees/f#cks the copper boy, divorce will be filed before she gets back.

Unless she is begging you to stay married you need to divorce her.

No matter how the convo goes, after you talk to her talk to copper boy's wife.

For me, there would be no more trips for her without me. Trust is gone.

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post #32 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.
This becomes the entire issue for me. Whether she meets him or not, the betrayal has already occurred. If they have sex or not is merely a detail.

Trust is a non-negotiable pillar of a relationship for me. There are no half measures. If I can't trust my wife 100%, I can't trust her at all. I won't have that.

No doubt that people make bad decisions when they are weak and vulnerable. I am all for setting boundaries to protect my marriage and keep us both from being in situations that could lead to an irrevocable mistake. That said, your wife's behavior has required countless conscious decisions to proceed down the path that led here.

You could probably stop this from happening, but what does that really change? There had to be reasons that you would feel the need to read her texts the way you did. I assume that this action is contrary to your employer's policies and could result in some form of disciplinary action. If so, you must have felt a compelling need to know what she is up to in order to take such risks.

Search your soul. If you are someone who can live with some level of betrayal provided no body fluids are exchanged, blow the thing up. If you are like me, don't waste the time and show her the door. I can see no upside to a life in which I have to conceal what I know so that I can continue to spy on my wife. Either have no reason to spy or end the marriage. JMO.

Good luck.
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post #33 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:50 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

OP - I don't see how anyone would allow their SO to do this without at least making it clear what going PA would mean (D of course).... Don't sit back and take it, either do what you can to prevent it going PA or file D, but don't be passive.
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post #34 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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There is texting indicating they plan to get together thou of course not specific about anything, however I think a PA is very likely.
Likely?!? No my friend. 100% GUARANTEED.

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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA....
You tell her, "IF YOU GO ON THIS TRIP, I WILL FILE FOR DIVORCE" and you DO IT if she ignores your warning. The marriage MAY be salvageable if her worst crime to date is an online fling.

Once she fvcks this guy its over. Personally, I'd dump her anyway but if you have ANY interest in R then NOW IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.

This is one of those gray areas where at the end of the day YOU need to decide whether she DESERVES a second chance. How are the other areas of the relationship? Has she always been a shady sloot or is some stress in her life causing this behavior?

Do what you think is BEST for YOU. She's already put herself first clearly. So you need to do the same. Good Luck.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 12-15-2016 at 01:28 PM.
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post #35 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:37 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Just tell her you know, and that if she goes through with the trip her belongings will be waiting for her in garbage bags on the front porch and the locks will be changed upon her return.
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post #36 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I agree with everyone. STOP the A. But that doesn't mean you don't divorce also.

It gives YOU the choice. Ignoring until it's done removes your choice. Then the best you'll ever get is someone who had a PA if you decide to reconcile, and from what every BS has said, the images of this dude fvcking your W will be stuck in your head. Why would you want that, regardless of your decision about the marriage?

Stop being passive. Take charge,


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post #37 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:45 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

What do you want to do? Do you want to stay married to a woman who can plan to use a family trip to cover an intention to F*ck another man?

If you are sure she is planning to have a PA on this trip, why do you want to stay married to her?
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post #38 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Question: What made you start looking at her messages?
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post #39 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:36 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I think the situation is a lot worse than it appears. She is already emotionally invested with this guy. She has planned to meet him. She has come up with an elaborate ruse which includes taking your child out of state. The act of sex between them is just icing on the cake at this point.

She has lied to you several times already. She is planning on having sex with OM, which means she has already thought about it and fantasized about it. She is engaging in sexual behavior with him already, with the sexy pictures and flirty talk. While this is not a PA by definition, it is a violation of marital boundaries involving sexuality. Before cell phones and the internet this kind of behavior wasn't possible so we don't really have a good handle on how to think of it, but it is sexual behavior nonetheless.

You report that you thought the marriage was ok up until now. I take this to mean you'd like to save the marriage. You should rework that into wanting to get to the best possible outcome for you and your children. What that means is either A) a good healthy marriage, or B) a divorce which results in both parents having good relationships with the kids.

Your marriage will never be what it was or what you thought it was. Never again. Her actions have made that impossible. You can strive to repair and rebuild into a new marriage. Doing that requires you be strong and resolute. At least when in front of her. You can be scared and you can cry, but do it in private. Tell her if she goes on the trip you will file for divorce while she is gone. And tell her you prefer she stays home and you two start going to marriage counseling. Carrot, stick.

Don't let her or any MC make this about your failings. She failed, not you. This affair is 100% on her. So she has to own it and she has to work on that. In parallel you two can both work on your own imperfections. It is fair for her to point out things she doesn't like about you as a husband, but never in context with her affair. Only in context with going forward to build a good marriage.
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post #40 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:46 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Yes, you never reveal your source of information. You can use misinformation to cover your source. You can say someone sent you a chat log via anonymous email. You can say you saw her phone. You can say his wife sent you a copy of a message.

If I were you, I'd move the evidence off of your company's systems. Copy it to a thumb drive and walk out with it. Erase it from the company computers and storage. It is probably against company policy for you to have done this, though it is your own account so maybe not. It would seem odd for the company to prevent you from seeing your own account. Still, I'd be extra careful to delete all traces.

You don't need any additional info to know what you know. You don't need to convince her she has done what she has. You don't even have to convince her what you know. You can show her you know enough by simply saying you know why she is going where she is going, and if she does you will file divorce.

If infidelity is a factor in divorce where you live, and if there are large financial reasons at stake, you might want proof. If that is the case you need to talk to a lawyer asap to find out what is involved. What you have is probably not admissible in court even if you got it legally by seeing her phone and sending the messages to yours. Probably you'll need photos of the two of them together. But it doesn't sound like you're ready to end the marriage. If you have decided to divorce, I'd be strategic by following whatever the attorney advises.

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post #41 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:53 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

It sounds like it's already a broken marriage. I think you should talk about it but more than likely she's going to tell you what you want to hear. Unless you let things take their course and be ready for the worst.

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post #42 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:53 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop.

You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.
I truly don't get this? How can it even be a question? Just going to duck under a bridge for a moment...
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post #43 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Do not intervene, keep checking her emails, she may not do anything on this trip but there will be many more, you will probably catch her then.

Until then do not say a word, your demeanor might give the game away.

It might take 6 or 7 trips.10 trips to be absolutely certain.. before you can intervene and confront.

*This advice is unlicensed, follow at own risk*
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post #44 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Do not intervene, keep checking her emails, she may not do anything on this trip but there will be many more, you will probably catch her then.



Until then do not say a word, your demeanor might give the game away.



It might take 6 or 7 trips.10 trips to be absolutely certain.. before you can intervene and confront.



*This advice is unlicensed, follow at own risk*

The best offer is to accompany her on the trip and watch her reaction.
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post #45 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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If you wait to confront until AFTER she's gone on the trip, she'll lie, deny, and gaslight the Hell out of you.

She'll also delete the messages, wipe her phone, delete all of her e-mail, etc.

AND she'll take the affair underground, which will make your life Hell.

So here's what you do --

1. Back up any and all evidence FIRST. Be sure to store everything in at least two different Cloud-based locations so that she can't get to it. Register the accounts to a new e-mail address, and use unique passwords for each of the new accounts.

2. Confront your WW w/ knowledge of the EA. Also be sure to let her know that a) the trip is now cancelled, and b) she'll be cutting any and all contact w/ OM going forward.

Unless, that is, she'd prefer to divorce.

3. Expose to OMW. Be prepared to forward evidence to her as needed.

If your WW refuses to cut contact w/ OM, attempts to gaslight you, etc, expose the affair to her family as well.

And then file for divorce.
You need to print this post out and follow it to the letter. You really really do.
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