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post #46 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 12:29 PM
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Are there any other red flags present: changes to personal grooming, lack of attention to you, guarding her cell phone, etc?

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post #47 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Then the best you'll ever get is someone who had a PA if you decide to reconcile, and from what every BS has said, the images of this dude fvcking your W will be stuck in your head. Why would you want that, regardless of your decision about the marriage?
The mind movies only suck while you still care about the person. Once you dump them and move on then it goes away. Take it from a guy who heard the audio recording from his bedroom.

In any event OP.... You don't want that mental imagery of your wife bent over in handcuffs while Mr. Policeman is banging her hard in nothing but a gun holster.

You really, really, don't and like the others said. Even if you take her back, PA or otherwise, you'd be a complete fool to EVER trust her again. Prepare for your new full time career as warden. FYI: The benefits are lousy.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #48 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.
I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me
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post #49 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:57 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

DO NOT CONFRONT WITHOUT PROOF AND A PLAN

She will gaslight you and lie to you and deny deny deny
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post #50 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:58 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
The best offer is to accompany her on the trip and watch her reaction.
OP's wife probably knows he needs to stay home with the other two kids so that bluff probably won't work.

He should probably suggest that the whole family go and they can stay together the whole time.

One question... OP said that her plans was to see "this friend and their family". Since OP's wife probably didn't tell him this, he must have read it in the texts. Are we jumping to conclusions on the PA? Why would she tell the cop she was going to meet his family? What am I missing here?
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post #51 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 01:58 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Posting this again cuz you REALLY need to see it

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
If you wait to confront until AFTER she's gone on the trip, she'll lie, deny, and gaslight the Hell out of you.

She'll also delete the messages, wipe her phone, delete all of her e-mail, etc.

AND she'll take the affair underground, which will make your life Hell.

So here's what you do --

1. Back up any and all evidence FIRST. Be sure to store everything in at least two different Cloud-based locations so that she can't get to it. Register the accounts to a new e-mail address, and use unique passwords for each of the new accounts.

2. Confront your WW w/ knowledge of the EA. Also be sure to let her know that a) the trip is now cancelled, and b) she'll be cutting any and all contact w/ OM going forward.

Unless, that is, she'd prefer to divorce.

3. Expose to OMW. Be prepared to forward evidence to her as needed.

If your WW refuses to cut contact w/ OM, attempts to gaslight you, etc, expose the affair to her family as well.

And then file for divorce.
You need to print this post out and follow it to the letter. You really really do.
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post #52 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

Some thing you need to know

1) THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
2) This is NOT your fault.
3) She WILL deny everything even if you have proof. Expect that.
4) You may never know why. Many BS's never know why.
5) You need to have proof, and even then she will DENY DENY DENY
6) This IS NOT YOUR FAULT
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post #53 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
Sounds pretty straight forward. You just cleared up a lot of my questions.

You are a nice guy beta provider. That's why she married you. She's was never attracted to you. You give her a cushy life. She's a USER nothing more.

Now she seeks out a macho alpha cop on the side for a good pounding to get her sloot needs met. She's not marriage material, you got duped by a POS my friend.

DIVORCE HER IMMEDIATELY. SHE'S NOT WIFE MATERIAL. SHE WILL DO THIS AGAIN. THESE TYPE NEVER CHANGE. THEY JUST GET BETTER AT HIDING IT. RUN.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #54 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by MarriageEjected View Post
trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.

As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.

The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.

I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.

I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me


That's worse than I thought. It could mean she is a serial cheater if she can maintain the lie that easily AND let's you believe everything is great. It's only great for her because you've got stock options, work hard, take care of the kids, take her on dates PLUS she has an open marriage.

I've not been betrayed but I would wonder if this isn't really who she is


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post #55 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

To clarify @MarriageEjected, usually a wayword starts to rewrite their marital history when they become involved to alleviate guilt and make it the BS fault. You can read this time and time again here on TAM. They'll even convince themselves that they never loved the BS and give the ILUBINILWU speech.

In contrast, your W acts like everything is peachy and she isn't making your life miserable at all.

I can only assume that means this is just what she does (cheats for fun) OR she has already completely checked out of the marriage. You don't seem to have the latter impression so I would assume the former


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post #56 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

I've thought about this with my own ex cheating wife - if I could go back in time and stop her (or attempt to stop her) before she had sex with the posom, would I? The answer is no. The reason is this: the intent is still there. So you stop it this time. Now you know you have a wife who intended and was willing (if you're right) to have sex with another man.

If it were me, painful and awful as it sounds, I wouldn't stop it - but let the chips fall where they may. Investigate and find out if she did cheat. If so, divorce her. Even if she doesn't - she's still having an affair.

I agree with the whole "free will" thing. I wouldn't want to have to stop my wife from cheating - if she wants to do that, then she can - you kyboshing it doesn't mean she doesn't want to, doesn't intend to and won't do it in the future. You can't control other people. You can only control how you respond to their actions - which in this case, if she is going to cheat - is to end your sham of a marriage.

Say you do thwart her attempt to have sex with this guy - is everything OK then? Can you trust her going forward? Will you feel the same towards her knowing her intentions?

Brutal situation - sorry she's put you in this position. Good luck.

Last edited by moth-into-flame; 12-15-2016 at 03:05 PM.
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post #57 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:42 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop.

You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.
This.
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post #58 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:46 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on??
Yes. If you stop the PA, it doesn't really matter. The intent - as you said, is there. You can never trust her again. You will ALWAYS be in spy mode, ALWAYS waiting for her to try again. She's shown she's capable and willing. Can you live with that even if you derail her plan, THIS TIME?
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post #59 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:52 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Know this, though -- not acting now will lead to a much rougher road later on.
How so? So he acts, thwarts the PA...now what? He's in limbo hell waiting for the rest of his life for her to try it again, and being married to a woman he knows intended to have sex with another man.

Flipside - he says nothing, gathers the intell/proof that she cheated, and now is resolute. Why is it his job to control his wife's actions? She has free will. She's not a child. IMO, you let adults make their own decisions, then act accordingly. Otherwise, he's in a continuous loop of hell.
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post #60 of 348 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:36 PM
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Re: new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
How so? So he acts, thwarts the PA...now what? He's in limbo hell waiting for the rest of his life for her to try it again, and being married to a woman he knows intended to have sex with another man.

Flipside - he says nothing, gathers the intell/proof that she cheated, and now is resolute. Why is it his job to control his wife's actions? She has free will. She's not a child. IMO, you let adults make their own decisions, then act accordingly. Otherwise, he's in a continuous loop of hell.
Evaluate the portion of my earlier reply that you chose to quote on it's own merit -- it's correct, is it not?

If he wants to save his marriage, home, and family, then he should act w/ that goal in mind.

If, however, he'd prefer to divorce, he should act w/ that goal in mind.

Either way, if you read my reply in such a way that I implied that he should seek to -- in any way -- "control" his wife's actions, then you read it all wrong.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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